Welcome to Tuesday Night Fights! I’m Scott Hudson, your host and ringside analyst for the second installment of the battle of the dullards.
Yes, for the second Tuesday in a row we’re going to sit through lots of screaming, whining, crying, accusations, boasts, pledges, and much, much more (or less, depending on how you look at things). Oh yeah, and there will also be a veto competition and an extremely self-serving POV speech that somebody better pray is edited down so the person who gives it can show his face at home once the show is over.
Quick, take a guess how the show opens. Yes, it’s the reactions to Michelle’s nominations of Keesha and Libra. Can this be where we first hear the term two-headed snake? At least Keesha is smart enough to understand why she was put up (Jessie’s eviction), but adds that “I’m sure she had a little blonde girl in her ear”. Libra tells Michelle that she “appreciates” her speech, or really her non-speech. In the diary room, she also is not surprised, since she is responsible for the unitard, the loss of the Hawaiian trip, and “I kicked out her romance/showmance/I don’t know what you wanna call it”.
Dan, though, is shocked because he “fully expected” to be put up for nomination. “My strategy to gain sympathy from people must be working.” Jerry’s pissed, though, because…well, you know why since he’s repeated it ever since Thursday. “The only way he could justify doing something like this is if he’s America’s Player.”
Michelle attempts some deep thoughts (and fails miserably) when talking about her decision. “I want them to feel what it feels like to campaign against each other; how it feels to have their own alliance have to pick between the both of them. Because that’s what they did to Jessie.” For some reason, she goes to a mirror and blows Jessie a kiss.
Keesha goes into the bedroom, and wipes away some tears. Dan comes in, and asks if she wants to talk to him. Keesha says she is pissed that April’s key was the first one pulled out. “Now, all of a sudden that’s her best friend.”
Libra then walks in, and instructs Keesha to “hold your head up high. No matter what, I’m not going to campaign against you. We will ride it out.” Um, that’s not how it really plays out, but anybody that has watched Libra in action should realize that. Keesha again complains about April’s key, and Libra responds that she’s “got it coming, baby…get that bitch out of here”.
Keesha is now up in the HOH, and Michelle begins with one of her favorite words – “honestly”. Ugh. Michelle tells her that she wants Libra out, and that she’s being “dead honest” with her. Everybody that has already been evicted was a direct threat to Libra “and nobody else”, according to Michelle. Keesha admits in the diary room that she orchestrated Jessie’s eviction, but “I’m definitely going to keep my mouth shut”.
Normally, the POV competition comes much later in the show, but they have that time saved up for the battle of the dimwits. Michelle calls everybody together for the selection of the players, and Dan’s only wish is that Jerry is NOT selected. Michelle pulls out April’s name, Keesha gets Memphis, and poor Libra’s hand pulls out Jerry’s name. Ollie finally gets to be a part of the show, as he’s selected as the host.
Before we get to the competition, though, we get to hear Jerry bitch and moan about everybody not named himself, Ollie, and April. “Honestly (oh, that word again), I’ve never been more at peace”, claims April. “I don’t have to fake myself to that stupid bitch again…and be forced to talk to her. I’d rather shoot myself right now.” Ollie adds that if he knew that putting her up would “shut her up, we would have done that in week one”. April adds in the diary room that she believes the Jessie eviction was Libra’s plan, and that “she’s a compulsive liar”.
Jerry, though, still won’t let go of Dan’s so-called betrayal. “I don’t think Libra is more dangerous than Dan. (He’s) our deeper threat in this game.”
Michelle is now seen heading up to the HOH, and guess who is waiting for her? Yes, Jerry, and he immediately launches into his belief that Dan is America’s Player. Michelle agrees, and says she’s been “thinking that for a week now”. They go back and forth with their reasons for this belief, and Jerry uses the opportunity to put in Michelle’s head that the veto should be used to put him up as a replacement nomination. “I want Dan baaaaaad.”
Wow, we’re still not having the competition? It’s time for something we (thankfully) rarely see these days – the wacky “aren’t they funny people” segment. Dan thinks he’s the life of the house, and enlists Memphis in playing a silly prank where they dress up as burglars and wake up the girls. Come on, you have four hours of drunken fights to squeeze into just a few minutes, and you show us this? Poor Renny, though.
Finally, it’s veto time, and it’s called “Cry Me a Veto”. Memphis says there are “thousands of onions”, while Michelle calls it a “wall of onions…and IIIIII HHHHAAAATTTTTEEEEE Onions”. Shut up, you twit.
So the competition involves chopping up onions and and transferring them to two different bins. The heaviest veto bin wins the veto, but the two players with the heaviest “mystery” bins wins something else. Memphis says he was playing for nothing but the mystery prize, while April says she wanted an “equal amount in both, so it looks like I wasn’t greedy”.
I won’t bore you with Libra’s lengthy description of her strategy, or anybody else for that matter…or their complaints about the smell or anything else, either. When it’s finally over, Memphis mystery box weighed 33.8 pounds, while April had 27.4. Everybody else was substantially less, with Libra having none as she was playing for only the veto. Memphis then had to pick a prize envelope, and unfortunately for him he won an onion necklace that he has to wear for a full 24 hours. Dumb April, though, scores with five designer outfits. As usual, she’s nothing but charming when she says “it couldn’t have happened to a better person in the house”. Yes, she did say that, and she wasn’t being sarcastic.
As for the veto boxes, April somehow has just as much in that box as she did in the prize box. “I told you, I’m very consistent”, she brags. Libra’s box is weighed second to last, and she jumps to the lead with 32 pounds. Unfortunately for her, Jerry takes it with 36.8 pounds. Keesha and Libra are both crushed. “I’m done”, says Libra. “It’s over. Take it.”
Jerry, of course, has to gloat, both outside and inside. “I worked my ass off. Old man.” In the diary room, he babbles some ridiculous story about young and old bulls. Just shut up, please. Dan adds that he feels “very uneasy”.
After the commercials, Jerry is still celebrating (and tossing the middle finger towards the girls’ bedroom), which makes dumb April and Ollie giggle. “We gotta get Dan”, he whispers. Oh my god, we have to hear ONCE AGAIN how Dan is a “Judas” and betrayed people. Get over it, old man! He implores his so-called friends to join in on calling him that. (BTW, in case you’re wondering, the bleeped word Jerry uses is “cocksucker”.)
Jerry continues his victory lap up in the HOH, where Michelle tells him she’s proud of him. “Listen, I did that for Jessie.” No, you did that for your own self-importance. “Why do you think I worked so hard? Do you think that was easy for me?” Ugh, come on. He comes close to begging Michelle to let him use the veto, but Michelle’s only focus is on evicting Libra.
It’s now time for that battle that I have mentioned a couple of times, and it begins with happiness. You may recall that the house won a feast on Sunday’s episode, and we begin the sequence with everybody rushing out of the HOH to see what has been prepared. Michelle could care less about the food; it’s all about the wine for her.
Everything is peachy at first, until Keesha has the sappy idea to go around the table and say good things about each other. Memphis immediately responds with “I think Keesha’s crazy.” Little do you know, my friend.
For some reason, Renny chooses Jerry as the person to butter up, and as you may expect he eats it up. After some accolades to the “girls”, we move on to Dan, who actually said something about everybody, but of course we only see what he said about Jerry. After he’s finished, Jerry says he wants to reply and basically trashes him.
Keesha goes last, and we see her apologizing to April. After joking that she wants to borrow her new designer clothes, Libra butts in that this “is the only reason she’s kissing up to you”. Now the fun begins, as Michelle says she’s “the master of ruining a good time”.
Before we get to it, though, Ollie takes off his hat and babbles some niceties about how he’s there for anybody. Libra jumps in immediately after he’s finished and asks if she can talk to him. She gets up as we hear Jerry yell “we need more wine”. No, you don’t.
In the storage room, Libra tells Ollie that when they had the fight over her vote, she’d “never been hurt so bad”. Something tells me that’s a lie. She’s especially not happy about being called a “scalliwag” and a “ho”. What exactly is a scalliwag? Ollie tries to interject, but Libra’s on a roll as she continues to whine about her family and kids. “I didn’t think you’d say that to me, Ollie.” To his credit, Ollie does try to calm her down, but Libra takes over to explain why she had to vote out Jessie. “Just so you know, it was brought to me. Don’t think I was the catalyst.” When asked, she outs Keesha as the real culprit.
By skipping over a lot of material, we now are with Michelle and Keesha in HOH, where Michelle is complaining about Libra’s negativity at the dinner table. She recounts the designer clothing remark, and Keesha acts surprised. “She honestly said that?”
Michelle runs downstairs to grab April to verify the comment, and she says in the diary room that it was her plan “to turn two friends against each other…and flip this house upside down”. April confirms the story, and now Michelle runs to get Libra. “Bring the bitch into the room. If she wants to talk, let her talk.”
At first, Libra denies saying it, but then says she was joking. “I was laughing. It wasn’t to be rude.” Memphis, who is turning on my friend Christine by prancing around in a towel, decides it is much smarter to disappear. “I’m going to bed.” Smart move.
All of the girls start yelling at the same time, but when Keesha starts in on how she’s “always stood behind you”, Libra jumps up and yells, “well, let’s go there, then”. We now get a couple of minutes of them each pledging their innocence, and increasingly getting heated with each outburst. Meanwhile, all of the guys (and Renny) are downstairs eating dessert.
Even though she set the fight going, Michelle is becoming increasingly upset that the spotlight isn’t on her. So she does make it about herself, and how innocent SHE is, and her and Libra begin screaming at each other.
Dan calls the feast a “benefit dinner” because “every benefit was for me. With all of the insanity, everybody’s beginning to forget a little about me.” Yeah, he’s right.
Back upstairs, Libra brings out the info that Ollie just gave her about how she supposedly was the ringleader against Jessie. “So the votes came to you,” questions Michelle, “and you didn’t go out and get the votes?” The focus shifts back to Keesha, who says that Jessie was coming after her. “No, he was not”, claims Michelle, along with a fake-smiling April.
Keesha says that before her birthday, she got along fine with Jessie. Then a certain blonde came and “whispered sweet nothings about Jessie”. After denying this, Keesha asks her if she “takes credit for anything you’ve done in the past”. “No.”
Keesha has had enough, and wanders out of the HOH. “You guys are going to evict whomever you want.” Michelle’s not happy, and chases her around the house. In the diary room, Keesha babbles some more about how she doesn’t like April. Neither does America, sweetie.
After catching up to Keesha, Michelle starts yelling how “I didn’t do anything to make you frickin’ walk out on me.” When Keesha yells back that she doesn’t care if she’s evicted, Michelle is now mad that she’s now being yelled at. Um, Michelle, it’s not always about you. Finally, Keesha explains that she “can’t play the middleman between crazy and crazier”. I must say, that’s a pretty good explanation. It’s a nice job of editing, as every time Keesha says something about April, we get a shot of her phony smile.
It’s time for the POV ceremony, but before we get to that I have some bitching to do. I realize that the producers had to pare down three hours of fighting into just a few minutes, but there were lots of material not shown that needed to be shown. Instead of the phony comedy involving Dan and Memphis, why not let us see Michelle’s hissy fit where she battled every pillow in the house? That was a moment made for television. How about a taste of some of the other mini-fights that evening? Almost every combination of the four bimbos paired off at some point during the night.
Ok, back to the ceremony, and we begin with Jerry reading the prepared text of what happens at these gatherings. He babbles how this “is my chance to get Dan out of the house, or I can just stay and honor Michelle’s choices on who is on the block. Expect the unexpected.”
Jerry gathers the troops, and Keesha’s speech is nothing but how she knows she’s up because of her role in evicting Jessie. Libra, who obviously applied her TV face before the meeting, basically just repeats what Keesha just said but adds that she’s “to take the consequences of that action”.
Instead of just announcing what he’s doing, Jerry has decided to “talk about what I feel”. He goes on to talk about how Keesha and Libra would not have been his choice as nominees. We all know who he wished was up there, and Jerry continues on with how Dan is a hypocrite that hides behind his Bible. “You will always be Judas in my eyes.” (Oh boy, what I would give of a screencap of Libra’s bug eyes right now.) Memphis rolls his eyes in disgust, as do probably 90% of the viewers. Finally, Jerry moves on after telling Dan that it’s his “lucky day”. No, he doesn’t use the veto.
Dan says that “whatever the point of Jerry’s speech was, it didn’t accomplish anything”. Keesha gives the usual “I’m not going to leave this house without a fight” soundbite, while Libra says she’s going to be a “little more sleuth in my actions” because the game “changes every four hours”. Her plan is to let everybody know that Keesha was the person who really was responsible for Jessie’s eviction.
Welcome to Tuesday Night Fights! I’m Scott Hudson, your host and ringside analyst for the second installment of the battle of the dullards.