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« The New Nominee Is... | Main | Rachel's "Revelation" »

Big Brother, Episode 5 Recap

I know this is hard to believe, but I really don’t have a lot to say as we head into the week of the canoodling chemists and the bimbos who hate them. Rachel’s shocking win this past Thursday means we’re going to watch a lot of catty behavior and personal feelings controlling the game. It will be a week of people way too aware of the cameras, and whose every move is dictated about how cute and smart they think they’ll appear.
So let’s commence with the reaction to Annie’s departure. Rachel, of course, is excited - not only because she gets to continue to play but she gets to keep on playing cutesy with Brendon. Enzo babbles nonsense about Annie “getting hit by a grenade by the Brigade”, and that next on the list is Brendon and Rachel. Brendon says they’re “going to own this house”. Really? 
Brendon uses the opportunity to admit that Annie was indeed correct about his lying about his occupation. This starts off a lengthy description as to just how brilliant and smart he really is. Somehow he thinks that this will make him at him as a lesser target. We then see a parade of the others that have lied so far in the house about their occupations (Andrew, Ragan). Enzo still wants him out.
We then move to Rachel’s shocking, panty-showing victory. “I’m so excited. Are you kidding me? Me and Brendon get to stay together for a whole week, and we’re safe!” Ugh. Love the blurred-out booty. Brendon babbles more about how happy he is by her victory, but for some reason Andrew is also jumping around. He explains that he was so excited because he knew he wasn’t a target this week. Hayden joked that he looked like “a kid at Christmas…or Hannukah or whatever. Dude, if you‘re in with them, act like you‘re not”
Britney, however, is pissed that she was so close to winning but lost to “an idiot who wasn‘t smart enough to put on pants“. Ok, now that is funny. Monet is not pleased, either, as they don‘t like each other. Enzo gets the last word one more time, repeating his stupid grenade line. Just shut up, please.
Enzo meets Matt in the bedroom, and Matt says they have to “reboot“. Enzo already knows, though, that Rachel wants to go after Monet and Britney, but he also knows that it‘s really Brendon that‘s running Rachel‘s HOH.
Meanwhile, the lovebirds celebrate in the only way they know how - with Rachel‘s legs wrapped around Brendon‘s pelvis. She jumps into his body, and they fall onto the bed. She continues to ride his dick as they talk about how they now have all the power. She babbles nonsense about how she has to use this power to get them farther in the game, but immediately Brendon talks about how pissed Monet and Britney are. Brendon claims that any decision she would make would magically be the same thing he’d want. Yes, we get it. You think you’re soul mates. Their magical plan is that Brendon is going to also win next week. We’ll see about that.
Britney and Enzo are now talking about how excited Andrew was about Rachel’s victory. Enzo says they HAVE to be in an alliance. Later, Andrew walks in on Britney and Monet talking, and he comments on how he thought one of those two were going to win. “We saw how excited you were when we didn’t”, complains Britney. “I gotta be honest”, he replies. He attempts to explain that he knows he doesn’t have a chance if she won. This is a pointless argument that goes on too long.
Rachel is STILL flashing her ass as she bounces into the backyard to get everybody to look at her HOH room. Yeah, this tired segment. Just read my recap of that from the Showtime feeds this past Thursday evening. We get it. You’re excited by your tequila, and you get to share your room with Brendon all week. Or do  you?
With that silliness over, we now go to Lane and Hayden sitting outside talking about what they think Brendon…I mean Rachel is going to do. They think they’ll “have to make some moves this week”. Um, no, you don’t.
After a commercial break, we get to witness the beginning of another relationship. Matt and Hayden are sitting outside a bedroom, and a bikini-topped Kristen walks in. For some reason, Hayden asks about her birthmark and has to show her his. She talks about how birthmarks indicate where you’ve been stabbed in a previous life, and Hayden says that he thinks her hot but she’s hard to read.
We move on to the new twosome outside flirting, and the acoustic guitar music kicks in as they talk nothingness. Hayden claims that girls always come to him, but Kristen is “a tough nut to crack”. Hayden makes her laugh by saying they can’t “paint the showmance picture”. 
Time for another segment of the mean girls. Andrew is exercising, and Britney and Monet sit in their bikinis badmouthing him. Britney is so happy that Monet is around to listen to her catty comments. “I am so frickin’ tired of the majority of people in this house.” We then see her being annoyed at Rachel’s idiotic babbling. “Monet is the only girl in this house I can even stand to be around.” They continue to make fun of her fake breasts, and also move on to comments about Kristen. “People are so fake”, concludes Monet.
And now Hayden is sweet-talking Rachel, and says that Brendon is a great person to have as an advisor. Hayden says his goal is to not only save himself but also Kristen, and stupid Rachel falls right into the trap. Forgetting that Hayden put her up last week, she says to him that she believes he was her savior. She asks who she should put up, and Hayden mentions Britney and admits that he really likes Kristen. He turns down an alliance with them, though, which causes her to question him.
It’s Matt’s turn to grovel, and he claims he’s acting paranoid that he’s going on the block. He babbles that he thinks Andrew is gunning for him, and Rachel (in a rare smart question) asks what that has to do with her. The whole celebration episode is brought up again, and Rachel asks if he thinks Andrew would control her opinion. “Do you know who is in charge this week? Rachel.”
This is getting tiresome, as we now get to again watch Rachel straddle Brendon. She asks if he thinks the house is pissed about her victory (duh), and Brendon is now questioning Matt. “You don’t act that nervous unless you have a reason to be nervous.” You really are a doofus, Brendon. He says  he’s going to keep an eye on him.
Now it’s time for the Have/Have Not competition. Rachel compares it to like being in “a hood”, while Kathy says it’s like “Sanford and Son”. The teams have to pick a person to be “human graffiti”, and will be taped to a wall. The person who lasts the longest gets to pick the four have-nots. Players also get paint blasters to attempt to force other teams off the wall.
Those chosen to be “human graffiti” are Britney, Kathy, and Ragan. Let’s jump to the results. Ragan drops first, followed by Britney. Well, Britney complains she can’t breathe, so they let her down. That’s two comps you’ve disqualified yourself, you silly twit. Shockingly, Kathy is the winner! Kathy’s team chooses Britney, Monet, Brendon, and Enzo as the people on slop for the week. Britney is pissed! They walk in to find that the have-nots also get fish sticks and fruitcake to accompany their slop. Britney is still not happy.
Saboteur time..kind of, as the house sees that it was Annie. Hayden is proud of himself, as he was the one who put her up. Andrew is also pleased, as he’s no longer the person the house believes is the saboteur. Enzo somehow believes that he knew all along it was her. Really?
Finally, back to game play. Rachel takes Britney upstairs, and claims that she likes her. Britney lies, and says that neither her nor Brendon would have been her target if she had won (and she admits that lie in the diary room). She goes off once again on Andrew’s celebration, complaining that “he acted like he had won”. She says that if she doesn’t go up this week, her and Brendon won’t go up next week. 
Monet follows Britney, and basically tells the same lies (and admits to such in her diary room comment). Again, Andrew is mentioned, coupled with “a floater”. Rachel says that as she was talking, all she could think about was Matt. She claims to Monet that she just doesn’t know what to do, and admits that somebody she had not given any thought to had come up and acted paranoid. She claims she doesn’t know if it should be Andrew or that person who goes home. Nice acting, Rachel.
And now it’s Hayden’s turn once again. She asks if he is on their side or not. Brendon stupidly pipes up that he needs to pair up with them, and admits in the diary room that he’s just playing up that he’s on their side. He stupidly brings up Enzo and Matt, so Hayden “deflects bullets” to keep The Brigade safe. Ugh. “I’m doing anything I can to ensure The Brigade is safe this week.” Rachel, though, is still confused. At least this time she admits to it.
Finally, it’s the moment of truth. This week, we do get the tired old script of Rachel staring at the wall of pictures and reading how it’s her duty as HOH. Matt, Britney, Hayden, and Monet all dutifully say they’re worried, and Rachel adds that there are people she knows would put up her and Brendon. At least she’s now wearing an outfit that covers her ass.
Once gathered, Rachel pulls out Brendon (big surprise), which is followed by Kathy, Hayden, Ragan, Kristen, Enzo, Matt, Andrew, and Lane. Yes, Britney and Monet are nominated. Rachel says that she nominated Monet because of the ten grand that she has already won, and something about the different alliances that have been formed is her reason for Britney. WTF?
Britney is in tears in the diary room, complaining about how hard this is and how she knows how awful she looks when crying. Monet’s comments are even more idiotic, saying she hates Rachel and the nomination makes her hate her even more. What? Rachel adds that those two are girls who will do nothing to help them, while Hayden is pleased that his girl AND The Brigade are safe. Yes, it’s a good week for him. 
See you Wednesday!

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