Aka: The Tale of a Nymphomaniac, 2 Mean Girls, and a Mensa Midget
Here’s the deal. Tonight’s show probably won’t vary much from the following script - mad mean girls, giggling lovebirds, more mean girls, POV competition, more giggling lovebirds, more mean girls, a double-agent Mensa subplot, conniving lovebirds, veto ceremony.
That’s it. There’s no way around any of that. I’ll completely understand if you move on to other posts. I am paid by the word (I wish!), though, so I have a few dozen more paragraphs to construct fleshing out that long, run-on sentence.
Following the script, we commence with the reactions to the nominations of Britney and Monet. Britney thinks Rachel’s excuse of “alliances” was “bullcrap…I’m on the side of the house that’s against her and Brendon, which is everyone.” I’m really starting to like this little trollop. Monet’s comments are very similar, and says her “initial reaction was to punch her in the face, but obviously I can’t do that”. Der Bergade couldn’t be more happy, as they’re safe and nobody knows about them.
Rachel babbles some more about how “strategically” these nominations make sense. The acoustic love music comes on as they have another sickening…I mean heartwarming moment. Ugh.
Britney then runs off crying into the bedroom. “Nobody is going to save me.” Monet comes in and is also bawling. “Her reasoning doesn’t even make sense…it’s strictly personal.” It doesn’t take long for the tears to subside, though, and Monet starts on once again about wanting to slap her. They both somehow believe they’ve been nice to her. “She’s a stupid hooker”, Monet concludes.
Der Bergade are still celebrating, and Hayden is concerned about the veto. Lane thinks he’d be a replacement nominee, but Lane says it would probably be him.
It’s now nighttime, and Britney is still crying. Rachel asks her how she’s doing, and offers to go upstairs to talk. Rachel claims it’s the “worst feeling to make somebody cry”. Britney puts up her good girl personae, saying she’s not mad at them but she doesn’t have any alliances with anybody. Rachel claims that she doesn’t want her to go home, and that she thinks Monet is coming after her. Britney says in the diary room that she wants to keep both her and Monet, and she’ll throw anybody under the bus for that to happen. She wants Andrew gone, and if she sticks around he’s “my number one target”.
More lovebird garbage follows, as Rachel is crying because she made the Mean Girls cry. Brendon kisses her tears away, this time accompanied by loving organ Muzak. Ugh, gag me. Of course, Rachel forgets about the game within seconds, saying she “just doesn’t want me and you to be broken up”.
Back to the Mean Girls. Britney and Monet are sitting outside, and Britney says it’s all because Rachel is jealous of Monet. “She’s targeting me because I don’t look like a skanky ass bimbo stripper.” Monet isn’t a fake person, and won’t pretend to like her. “I don’t usually just hang out with whores for fun…every time she wears a skirt the STD’s go airborne.” I can’t help it. I love Britney.
After commercials, it’s time to play with our heartstrings again, as Matt informs Andrew about his wife’s bone condition. Too bad it’s a lie, as he admits in the diary room. “There’s a surgery you can do, but the health care system (says) it’s not necessary. It costs exorbitant amounts of money.” God, he rules! We see him also tell Britney the story. “Who’d vote on a guy whose just trying to save his wife’s leg?” Ok, this segment has gone on long enough, as we see him tell Ragan the same story. Not surprising, Ragan falls for it. Matt claims that if this plan works, he’ll donate a substantial amount of money to the charity.
Yet Andrew does see through it. You see, Matt doesn’t know that Andrew is a podiatrist, and he’s never even heard of this disease he claims she has. “It was definitely not a medical term in my mind.”
Stupid Rachel now comes out and gathers the gang to pick players for the veto competition. Both Britney and Monet babble about how they have to win. Predictable stuff. Rachel picks House Guest choice. Hmm, guess who she picks? Yeah, Brendon. Monet pulls out Lane’s name, while Britney gets Enzo, who says he wants to play to ensue Der Bergade stays safe and “meow meow meow stays safe”. Ugh.
The gang heads out, and Enzo says the set looks like “professional gambling”. The game consists of grabbing their briefcase and locking themselves to stockades. The person who stays in their stockade closes to the one hour mark wins.
This is not exciting stuff, especially when we hear Enzo babble his patented Jersey garbage. After seeing the various strategies of Brendon and Monet, host Ragan comes on to add the twist of a dollar bill slapping them in the face. Britney is sickening, because most dollar bills at some point are in g-strings. Rachel says she was using the bill to count time, and then suddenly it stopped. Lane talks about how he’s never been locked in a dollar bill, but has woke up in college with a handcuff.
Britney, who has dropped out of almost every competition she’s been in so far, complains about the heat, and she is the first to drop out. Lane believes it’s too soon. Enzo is the next out, and is followed by Lane, and Brendon. Rachel says that she’s confident she’ll beat Monet, who adds that she just wants to throw her briefcase at her. They both drop at the same time.
So here’s the results. Rachel’s time is 1:15:07, Monet’s is 1:15:06. Brendon dropped at 1:06:04, while Lane is 1:01:29. Britney was 52:28, but Enzo was 1:00:14. Wow, Enzo was over by 14 seconds! “That’s like one quickie with the wife”. Ugh. My God, Britney won POV! Rachel plays nice with her, but Lane is pissed that “Bergade truck has just blew another tire. We’re out of gas right now!” Hmmm, where was the “git ‘er done”? Rachel is bummed because she has to “make another enemy”.
They’re still talking about the competition when we return from commercial break, and Britney follows Monet into the have-not room and hugs her. She tells Monet that she’s going to have to convince Rachel to put up somebody that can be backdoored. “I’ll tell her we won’t go after her if she keeps you. I’m going to try to get her to backdoor Andrew…and then next week we get revenge.”
The lovebirds are making out again when the door bell rings. It’s Monet, but Rachel doesn’t want to talk to her. Yet she does. Monet doesn’t understand why Rachel doesn’t like her, and Monet claims that if she had been HOH they would have not been her target. Rachel asks who she thinks is coming after then, and Monet says it’s Andrew. Rachel doesn’t believe it, but admits she doesn’t know where he stands. Rachel wants assurances that her and Britney won’t come after then, and Monet lies that neither of them will come after her.
Meanwhile, Der Bergade are whining about Britney’s victory, worried that one of them will go up instead. Rachel is then shown in the diary room going on and on about how putting Andrew up could save them. She gets in the hammock with Brendon and asks him what he thinks. “Do you really think you could trust them?” Rachel responds with her favorite word - strategically. Brendon says in the diary room that he doesn’t think it’s a smart move. At the same time, Monet is telling Britney that she thinks that Rachel is falling for their scheme. Britney believes that makes them “amazing geniuses”. Don’t go overboard, my dear.
Ragan and Matt now come into the room, and Rachel wants to ensure that both of them will vote to eliminate Monet. In the diary room, Rachel seems more concerned about angering Brendon than playing an intelligent game, but she still thinks putting up Andrew is the best move. When informed of this plan, Matt says that he would be a safer candidate than Andrew. Ragan’s response in the diary room is a bit over-the-top, but Matt thinks it’s a win-win situation because he has the trust of the loving couple and Der Bergade will be really happy that he’s taking a risk for them.
Stupidly, Brendon asks what he wants in return, and he says that he wants Rachel to say in the POV speech that he’s a pawn. He also wants to act blindsided by this news. Matt runs downstairs and informs Der Bergade of this move, and Hayden says he’d never do something so stupid. Yet, he believes it’s a good move for Der Bergade. “That type of loyalty is huge”, adds Lane, also implying that they believe they’ll be the final four.
Upstairs, the lovebirds argue about whether it should be Andrew or Matt. Andrew walks in during their little tiff, and Rachel interrupts Brendon to ask him to wait outside for a few minutes. Before he walks out, Andrew says he knows what’s going on and he’s ok with it. The lovebirds fight some more about the issue, and she says she doesn’t trust Matt at all. Brendon finally gathers his clothes and walks out, leaving Rachel to pretend to cry for the cameras. Ugh, they’re disgusting.
(Note: This conversation was way out of context. The two had actually floated the possibility to Andrew at least a full day before, and this fight happened a few hours before the actual nomination ceremony. Nice job, CBS.)
And it’s now time for the moment of truth. Britney faithfully follows the script, and everybody else involved do their part with the “I’m worried” quotes. Britney pulls them all inside, and of course takes herself off the block. Rachel stands up, and puts up…Matt. She adds that she wants everybody to know that he’s just a pawn.
Andrew is relieved, and Matt says that he’s a “diabolical super genius” by volunteering. Britney is pissed that “I did all of this work for nothing…Rachel and Brendon have to go ASAP”. Ragan is concerned for his little buddy, and Monet again talks about physical violence. Well, she says that she just wants to “kcik some ass”.
So my script wasn’t too far off! See you tomorrow!