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« The Big Brother 12 Premiere Was Here! | Main | And away we go! »

Big Brother, Episode 1 Recap

The wait is finally over. Big Brother is back...and I’m back to write way too many words on the season twelve debut episode.

A bit of a disclaimer, though. Unlike past seasons where I’ve been engrossed in the online rumors and “found” information, I’ve been on a bit of a media blackout since the contestants were announced a couple of weeks ago (outside of a few nice bikini shots). I watched the CBS Early Show piece, but I was immediately annoyed by the floozy who claimed to be both beautiful and smart. Trust me, anybody who has to tell you just how hot and brainy they are generally are neither. (And don’t get me started on the “saboteur” garbage.)

Rather than continue to annoy myself, I decided to enter this season with a blank slate of knowledge about the cast. Sure, I took a look at a few pictures, and at first glance they seem to be a typical reality show crew - a bunch of guys who seemingly don’t own any shirts but have plenty of razor blades (ugh), and a bunch of girls who live in bikinis and miniskirts (which I don’t really mind). Oh yeah, and the token small-town floozy, a hardcore man of faith, and a campy gay guy. Let’s just hope that none of these people live up to those generic stereotypes.

So here we go! Yes, the stupid “saboteur” gimmick is going to dominate the coverage, as Julie immediately launches into hype about how it’s going to “rock the house”. Ugh!. Nice to see a non-pregnant Chen, though. Ok, we get it! You don’t have to go on and on about this.

Ah, the first “but first” two minutes into the show! We move on to the staged excitement over receiving their keys. Andrew is a podiatrist, and an Orthodox Jew. O-kay. Britney is a small town girl with a twang, but she has “game”. Yeah, right. Hayden is shirtless, and is the “most competitive person you’ll ever meet”. Don’t forget the “ladies love me”. (Sigh) Oh god, here we go with that bikini-clad brainiac, Rachel. I hate her already.

Kathy is a deputy sheriff, who says she’s going to “bust everybody in the house”. Monet is seen shopping, and says she has to live with people who live up to her standards. Matt is a “genius”, but I have hope for him as he appears to be into indie rock.

Annie claims to know everything about the game, and will “do whatever it takes to win”. Lane babbles about getting his hands dirty as we see him working on his farm. Enzo is a Jeresey meatball. Literally.

Brendon is another shirtless wonder, and is a swim coach. Kristen is shown doing shots on top of the bar, while Ragan is shown teaching a class on “lying, cheating, and backstabbing”. Um, yeah.

Everybody supposedly has an hour to get ready after receiving their keys (yeah, right), and hijinks occur. It’s all so staged, and they all babble silliness that fits their earlier stereotypical comments. They all kiss their loved ones goodbye, except for Ragan who gives his dog a smooch.

We jump right into the moment where they move into the BB house. Julie welcomes them with the usual opening platitudes about best friends and enemies...oh, and that “anything can happen”. WE GET IT!!! She sends four into the house, and it’s just like in the Real World with everybody running around screaming and attempting to claim beds.

Champagne is poured, and they all introduce themselves. Matt doesn’t want the others to know he is a “certifiable genius”, and Rachel also decides to portray herself as an idiot with big breasts. Monet says she’s “ditzy”, and Enzo agrees. Ragan wants to form an alliance with Brendan, and hopes he’s secretly gay. Kristen, meanwhile thinks Hayden is “cute and lovable”.

Andrew lies and says he’s an unemployed daytrader instead of a doctor becuase he doesn’t want to put a target on his back. Annie says she has immediately fallen in love with Enzo because of his Jersey accent. Zagan, meanwhile, also lies about his profession for some silly reason. Britney loves the fact he’s a “flaming homosexual”, and just knows they’ll be best buds. Oooh, Annie is bisexual, but doesn’t want anybody to know.

After a commercial break, Julie goes on and on once again about the dumb saboteur twist. She has them all gather in the living room, and babbles the “expect the unexpected” line for what will undoubtedly be a thousand times this season. She breaks the news, and you can guess the reaction. Enzo hates “rats”, you know. Ugh, Julie adds that this twist makes it the “most challenging Big Brother ever”. After a creepy computerized tape package, they all babble about how frightening this is.

Another commercial break, and they’re all still acting paranoid about the twist. Julie again gathers them into the living room to announce the first HOH competition. She gives the whole spiel about how important it is, and the power that goes with it. Andrew immediately volunteers to sit out, and Enzo says that immediately makes him a suspect. What? Wouldn’t it make more sense for him to be playing if he is supposed to sabotage it. Julie reminds him that by sitting out he’s not eligible to be HOH, but he’s still ok with it. They all rearrange a bit to set up the teams, and Julie sends them into the storage room to put on their gear. Poor Andrew has to wear a weiner costume.

They head to the backyard to a giant set involving hot dogs, and Rachel says she wants “to jump on those big weiners”. Oh Lord. Julie lets Andrew know that although he can’t be HOH, by being mascot he’s safe from eviction this week. The others are not that happy about this.

For the weinie roast, a member of each team has to jump on one of the big weinies, and the rest of the team has to pull a big pulley to get them across the course. Kristen immediately falls, and has to start over. Annie, though, cruises right across and grabs a $10k prize. Monet does the same for her team, but she’s worried that she’ll now be a target with that kind of money. Britney is grossed out by the ketchup and mustard, and immediately do most of the others.

Rachel takes matters into her own hands by stripping off one of her shirts. Hayden doesn’t want to win HOH, but does realize that he has to help his team win. They toss Kristen to the top of the weinie, and she sails across. They  make a similar attempt with Britney, but she continues to fall off. Brendon decides to wedge a shirt on the top, but instead they wheel him across.

Britney again falls, and besides a blurred-out boob, she has hurt her knee. Andrew wants to do his duty as a doctor, but remember he lied about that fact? Instead, the deputy sheriff jumps in, and after rubbing Britney for a bit she proclaims her as “hurt”. Yes, she’s a genius. With newfound drama, it’s time for another commercial break.

When we return, Britney is still “seriously hurt”, and Monet thinks that could mean she’s the saboteur. A medic comes out to look at her, and Matt says that it’s the best thing to happen as he and Hayden make a bit of a deal. Julie says the medic has recommended that she sit otu the rest of the competition if she wants, but she’s already squealed in delight. The other team gets to pick a replacement for her among those that have already crossed, and they choose Kristen because she’s shorter and would have a more difficult time getting over again.

The contest resumes, and it’s a “dead tie”, as Enzo claims. Kristen makes it back over once again, and Rachel is now upset that she was the one her team chose. Kathy is having troubles, and while they plot to get her across Matt makes it across. They only have Hayden left, and Kathy continues to fall. Maybe she’s the saboteur.

Hayden successfully makes it across, and he’s the first HOH of the summer, with Monet the big money winner. Annie is not happy because she believes that it will be people from her team that are on the block. Hmmm, before we head to a commercial we’re given a chance to vote for who we think is the saboteur, which means we won’t find out until next Thursday. Oh come on, just let us know already.

When we return, Julie says we can send in our “saboteur ideas”. Yeah, that should be good. Tonight, though, their great idea is to turn off the lights in the house. Britney, though, just thinks it’s a technical difficulty, but Enzo knows that it’s an “act of have to get up a little bit early in the morning to get one past the Jersey kid”. Oh god.

Right after Enzo says that when the lights come back on the saboteur will be missing, we see Brendon in one of the bedrooms. He claims that he felt that lights out meant that BB wanted them to go to bed. At the same time, Andrew decides it is a good time to pay some pranks. Great idea, “day trader”. The lights come back on, and as they’re giving Andrew grief the saboteur voice comes back on to announce that the storage room is now locked. We end with them pointing fingers at Brendon, Andrew, and each other.

So far, so good. Nobody really annoyed me, although I have a feeling Enzo, Rachel, and a couple of others will real soon! See you Sunday!


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