Well, here we are at the finale of the twelfth season of Big Brother, and as Jerry Garcia once sang, “what a long, strange trip it’s been”. 75 days ago, thirteen of the most deluded, self-absorbed, camera-conscious cretins were ushered into the Big Brother compound. One by one they were sent away; a few by good game play but mainly due to silly squabbles, jealousy, revenge, and/or a general inability to see which way the winds of popularity were blowing.
It’s really a sad state of affair when so many people are going to keep their eyes on Britney’s boyfriend and family than the three finalists in the competition. Sure, the news about Britney’s home would have brought on that sort of reaction during even the best seasons, but I know I speak for a rather large percentage of people that could really care less if the winner is Hayden, Lane, or Enzo.
After a super-long recap (that immediately reminded me how much Rachel annoys me), the show commences with footage from the past five days. “Let the best Brigadesman win”, says Enzo as they shake hands. This is just silliness, though, as they all talk about making it to the end and how tough it is to decide who to take with them.
Enzo is bummed, though, and says he came into the house with the plan to win at least two competitions but he screwed it up. “I’m the mastermind. I’m the Godfather, and now it looks like I made a hit on myself.” Ugh!
Lane and Hayden are now patting themselves on the back in the kitchen, and Hayden “corrects” himself by saying “we’re the final two”. He claims to be worried that Lane won’t take him to the final two, and says he’s “working to discredit” everything he’s accomplished. Lane says that although they have this final two deal, he’s not sure he’d win against Hayden.
Enzo is still stewing about how he “put in all the work into this thing”, so he’s going to make sure that he gets taken to the final two and will “brainwash’ the jury to award him the money. His strategy is to whine, and he first works on Hayden. In return, Hayden claims that Enzo played the “greatest social game ever”. Hmmm. Hayden claims in the diary room that he may indeed have a better position to win with Enzo.
Now it’s time to work on Lane, and he basically repeats the same stuff he said to Hayden. “I think I’m still competing for 50”, replies Lane. “I don’t think I can beat you or Hayden.” Enzo says that the “trick” to getting to Lane is “convincing him that he can’t beat Hayden”. This seems to work a bit, as Lane says his “heart” says to take Hayden but his “brain” is saying to take Enzo. Great editing and diary room scripts here, CBS.
So that’s it for footage from the past six days, and the actual discussion wasn’t much longer than what we saw, as all three spent the vast majority of this time patting themselves on the back, sleeping, eating, and farting.
After commercials, Julie now talks to the finalists. She starts with Enzo, and whether it was worth leaving his family. “If I don’t get no money out of this, then it’s not worth it.” He says it was tough, and he misses his entire family. Hayden is then asked about whether the game taught him anything about himself or life. He babbles nonsense about how he now knows he can do anything in life. Lane is then asked what he’ll miss most about the house, and he says it’s a “guy that calls himself meow meow. I’ve never heard that before.”
It’s time for jury house footage, as it’s time for Britney to show up. They’re all playing cards, and Ragan says although his first night was bad it hasn’t been so bad since. He says he’s still working on rekindling his friendship with Matt.
Rachel asks Ragan who he wants to see enter the house, and he spills the beans about the “boys working together since probably very early in the game”. Matt says “could be”, and correctly says he expects to see Britney come into the house. Brendon says he wants to see somebody who has won something win the game, and as he’s talking about Britney she walks in with her Bergade alternate shirt on. “How do you feel about that, Matt?” She immediately tells them all about Der Bergade, and Matt’s involvement. Ragan and Rachel’s mouths drop. “I didn’t even know these boys were smart enough to have an alliance, or even know what the word alliance meant”, says Rachel in her first good line of the year.
“Then why are you here, Matt”, asks Kathy. They both sort of laugh about how Der Bergade turned on him, and that everybody in the alliance found somebody to play. Kathy asks Matt if Ragan was that person for him. ”I got kicked out of Der Bergade because they said that I got too close to him.” Ragan is pissed at Matt, which he says is “analogous” to what he did with the illness lie.
Matt laughs, though, when Britney says that Enzo claims the alliance was all his idea. “Are you serious? Everything was his idea but he calls me the brains?” Ragan adds that there’s now a final three where none of them ever had any worries about being evicted. Matt claims that he’s happy that the secret is out, but that if he had stayed in the house he would have gotten rid of those guys eventually.
Matt asks her if she was the saboteur, and she returns the question. “Matt lies about everything”, replies Kathy, which leads to Matt admitting his big lie. “That’s horrible”, she says. “I’ve been told how horrible that is”, he says, and adds that he feels bad about it. Britney claims that she always knew he was sneaky, and this “reinforces” that. Britney also asks about how Rachel has behaved, and Matt says she’s “been drinking wine like normal”.
More jury house time, as they all gather to “debate the merits” of the three remaining players. Britney says that every person evicted was a “bergade casualty”, but Rachel says they all got lucky because “we were all too busy taking each other out”. She just can’t see how their “big strategy” worked so well “when I won two HOH’s”. Oh Lord. Brendon says four votes doesn’t control the house, but Britney reminds them they actually had seven votes with their friends. “The brilliant thing about Der Bergade”, explains Ragan, “is that you have four core members. Three of them go out and get the side alliance, and the side alliance is loyal to the member who has brought them in.” Britney says “regardless, they chose who went home. You had no power. We all sit here because of Der Bergade.”
She adds that “for the first time in Big Brother history, an alliance made it the final three intact”, which causes Brendon to point out what we’ve been saying for the past two weeks - “I thought it was four”. Kathy asks who actually started Der Bergade, and Matt says that it was all his work, despite what Enzo says. He adds that he’d like to see exactly why Enzo should win “because I’m drawing a blank”. Britney says she actually does because “you can’t argue with his social game. Everyone sitting on this jury can say that at one time or another we had a relationship with Enzo.” Matt and Ragan don’t agree, and Rachel actually admits that she had “no social game”. Ding ding ding! She seems to agree that he deserves it, as he never had to worry about being evicted.
Moving on to the others, both Ragan and Matt says that Hayden deserves to win because he was a hard competitor and his “golden locks” made everybody feel secure. Rachel disagrees, saying he didn’t “have good game play at all”. She says that he just did what others wanted him to do. Kathy says she agrees with Matt, but I can’t understand what she says.
As for Lane, Rachel says that he “played the best game” because nobody “can legitimately claim that they’re pissed at any move Lane has made in this game.” Ragan agrees, but says that “being a nice guy is not a Big Brother move that you want to award a half million dollars to…I can’t say he did anything other than not talk bad about other people”. Britney basically repeats what she said about Enzo in regards to Lane. She also says he’s a “lot smarter than anybody ever gave him credit for”.
Brendon wants to move on the “competitive game”, and that the final three hasn’t played well in competitions, so he actually wants to award the one with the “best social game”. Matt chimes in that when they question the three, they “have to use simple words so we don’t confuse them”. Ha! Kathy just wants the truth. The truth about what? Britney, though, says all three are deserving, and that they’re all going to be legitimate friends. Ragan can’t wait for the questioning, because it’s the first time they’ll have to squirm through tough questions.
It’s now time for the final HOH round, and as usual it’s questions about the jurors. Statements are read about each jury members, with two possible endings. The correct answer obviously results in a point. Rachel is the first question, and it’s about her favorite moment in the house. They both pick “falling in love with Brendon”, and they’re both correct.
The second question is from Kathy, and it’s the “most shocking moment”. They both pick Rachel’s return, and they’re both correct once again. The third question is regarding Matt’s “fatal error”, and they both correctly pick his throwing his last HOH. Brendon’s question is which moment he doesn’t want his family to see, and again they both correctly pick the fight with Britney. This is boring.
Ragan’s question is about the house guest who needs a “reality check” the most, and again they both pick the same answer (Rachel’s hair extensions). They’re both wrong, as the correct answer is that Brendon was willing to give a “waitress” a half million dollars.
Britney’s question is about the funniest moment, and they again pick the same answer (Kathy getting stuck in caramel). They’re wrong, as it’s actually the Rachel/Ragan fight. It’s a tie breaker question for the winner, and it’s how many slams they had to endure in part one of the HOH competition. Hayden says 91, while Lane says 55. Hayden is the winner of the round (and game)!
When we return from the break, it’s time for Hayden to choose who he’s evicting. Enzo gets to plead his case first, and he babbles how it’s a “tough decision…whatever you gotta do, you gotta do”. Lane gets up and talks about how he loves them both, and blah blah blah. Hayden then gets up to make his half million dollar decision. He stands, and after saying how much he loves them he evicts Enzo! “I love you, dude”, Lane says as he walks out…but not to the standing ovation he has always said he deserves.
While we wait for the interview, both Hayden and Lane talk about being stressed about the other evicting them. As they move into discussing the questions, we move to the interview with Enzo, who immediately (and emphatically) claims he had “one of the best social games ever…my competitions? That’s another grenade.” He goes on to babble about how he created Der Bergade, and was the mastermind of the “greatest alliance ever”, and says he had the greatest final speech, too. Julie asks why Hayden kept Enzo, and he says he was scared that Enzo would have “scared” the jury. “Did it sting?”, Julie follows. It does, because he ‘got no money out of this thing”.
They move on to Enzo’s lack of great work in competitions, and Enzo says he wasn’t surprised. “It definitely kicked my butt.” Julie then asks how hard it’s going to be to award one of his friends, and he says it will be hard but he has to hear what they have to say.
Goodbye messages end the segment, and Lane says he “doesn’t know what Hayden was thinking” because he would have taken him. Yeah, right. Hayden also kisses his ass by agreeing that he “was the best social player in Big Brother history. Everybody loves you, and you’re a huge threat to win the game if you’re in the final two.” Enzo ends it by saying how much he loves CBS, and that he’s “dirty dancing” with everybody that’s at the after party. “I loved this experience from the bottom of my heart.”
That ends the first half of the show!