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« Jeff Expresses His Opinion On Wizard Headmasters | Main | The Continuing Saga of Bookie and Rachel »

The 10 Day Report: Stuck On Stupid

Unless my math is off, today marks the tenth day the hamsters have been under CBS surveillance, so it’s only natural for me to pull out that half-empty bottle of Jack Daniels and spend some time fast-forwarding through a few hours of Flashback feeds. I mean lots of fast-forwarding…so much that it only takes an hour or so to get through a whole day of feeds.

Yeah, I know what you’re saying – how can I possibly know what’s going on if I’m just rushing through the footage? It’s really the only way to go, as events such as Rachel and Brendon fighting is the same old shit multiple times a day…and outside of that, there’s little deviation from day to day. The day starts with Shelly cleaning, followed by a Brenchel fight, Jordan blissfully staring into the sky, three “noobs” conspiring, two of those noobs racing to tattle on the third to Rachel, another Brenchel fight…culminating in Rachel screeching “Big Booty, Big Booty” over and over.

So let’s go through the cast:

Adam: In his pre-show video, Adam stated that he idolized Evel Dick, and promised to act like the self-proclaimed living legend throughout this season. I’m sorry, Adam, we all know the source of your inspiration, and you’re no Evel Dick. In fact, your schizophrenic play is actually more reminiscent of the ultimate pipsqueak, Ronnie, except that instead of Star Trek you worship the bands that threatened to ruin my 80’s record store tenure.

It’s been clear since the premiere episode that Adam is pissed off that the veterans are stealing the thunder of what he believed would be HIS season, but I don’t think it matters who else is in the house with him. Either way, he’d be living under the lie that he was the house mastermind, when the reality is that almost everybody is simply humoring him.

Cassi. I must confess that my opinion of this Southern “model” has changed over the past few days. Although she’s clearly one of the folks brought in by central casting to cause horndogs such as myself to drool, she must have spent some time studying the game before it started. She’s one of the few noobs who understands that they have to split up the veterans, but she’s hamstrung by those who race upstairs to report anything she utters (including her own partner). It doesn’t help that the other token “pretty” girl, Porsche, is one of those twits who can’t stand to be in the vicinity of anybody who would steal some of her glory.

Dominic. I have nothing on this goober. He’s a moron, and the only thing that could keep him in the house for an extended time is Daniele’s strange attraction to him.

Kalia. Sigh. I had some high hopes for this woman, but she’s been a huge disappointment. All she’s really known for so far is her farts, burps, and discussions of her lack of pooping. Last night, she came up with the great idea of volunteering to go on the block next week so the house can rid her of her partner. Besides the fact that it’s a lazy plan to make the jury (I’d say the laziest ever), you would think that anybody who considers themselves a fan of the show would realize that volunteering to be nominated NEVER works.

Keith. Ok,he’s mellowed out in the last couple of days, but I have a feeling it’s because for the first time in his life he’s been brought back down to earth. While he claimed on the premiere that the duos gimmick ruined his “Keith’s Angels” plan, there’s no way that he could have pulled this off even without the veterans.  Hell, he can’t even handle the one “angel” (god, that was tough to type) that he chose as his partner!

Lawon. He’s funny, somewhat interesting, and has the best beauty products of the bunch. Unfortunately, he has little game and seems to be heavily targeted by those whose masculinity is threatened by anybody with little masculinity. As long as I get a few weeks of “Lawon-isms” I’ll be occasionally entertained.

Porsche. I have a friend whose child was named London because that’s where he was conceived, so I’m wondering if that’s also the case here. If so, thank God her parents didn’t own a Yugo. She’s a nightmare, which is probably why she’s become so attached to the veteran nightmare. She’s one of the noobs who will happily report anything she sees or hears to anybody, especially if the conversation involves Cassi.

Shelly. Her pre-show interviews included a bit about how she had no desire to be the mom of the house, but that’s exactly what she has become. From the moment she’s awake, she’s scrubbing every nook and cranny of the house. Once that task is completed, it’s time for her to attach her nose to the asses of the vets. Generally, it’s Jeff and Jordan, but quite often it’s also Rachel and Brendon. Her gravelly man-voice has never found a cliché she doesn’t over use, and I’m more than expecting her to scream out “let’s get this party started” any time now. In fact, I’m surprised I haven’t heard it yet.

Daniele. Ok, it’s a bit of a surprise but Dick’s evil spawn is actually playing the best game of the season. She’s toned down the whining (or at least is more selective as to the timing and witnesses), and seems to be actually enjoying herself. She’s the one vet who has spent as much time with the noobs as she has with her fellow returnees, yet she’s able to subtly throw barbs at Rachel without creating any drama. Keep in mind that while Dick has always been given the credit to HER success, she is a competition monster.

Jeff and Jordan. Meh. Yes, I understand that Jeff is dreamy, and Jordan is a natural beauty, but their presence adds little more than that. Jeff could potentially make a nice little run, as he’s the only vet besides Daniele that acknowledges there are other people in the house, but it’s also clear that Jordan has no desire to even be in the house. As long as she has snacks, she’s content to just stare off into the cosmos and give pie-eyed reactions to Shelly’s life stories. While some people have this insane theory that she is actually smarter than most believe, and that she is just soaking up information, I believe the only thing she’s collecting is calories.

Rachel and Brendon. This entire post was originally going to be about these two, but I just can’t bring myself to wasting any more time on them than I’m forced to endure by the Big Brother production team that guarantees them maximum screen time. Yet, it should be noted that Brendon treats her with so little respect that I actually feel sorry for her. The twit can’t do anything without being lambasted by the star of “Penis-gate”. She’s not allowed to talk game without his presence. Hell, she can’t even talk without him being within eight inches of her. Any deviation of this rule results in at least one of their inevitable thrice-daily fights.

Of course, once I feel sorry for her she pretends to be drunk on three sips of wine and demands the attention of the entire house. Horrific drinking games lead to her prancing around like it’s 2010 all over again, and together they’re this year’s Jessie and Natalie (and Lydia), proclaiming themselves untouchable for nomination, let alone expulsion.  If any noob hopes to win, they better knock these two off their pedestal…and pronto.

Now that I’ve spouted off on all thirteen of the cast members (we miss you, Evel Dick), I want to know what you think. Do you feel as lukewarm about these bozos as I? Could Jordan really be a quiet mastermind? Does anybody like the “Big Booty” game? Voice your opinions in the comments section.

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