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« Rachel is a Hot Mess | Main | Cassi Finally Gets It »
Sunday
Jul172011

Big Brother Season 13, Episode 5 Recap

Another Sunday, another Big Brother nomination show. It’s admittedly tough to get excited by this episode, as I’ve been disgusted by the actions of Queen Rachel and Brendon, and the non-actions of each and every noob. I’m a devoted recap-er, though, so here I am in front of my TV. Here’s what you’re going to see tonight – the have/have not competition, the (un)exciting unveiling of the HOH room, and the nomination. Oh yeah, and another silly Rachel fight that’s reminiscent of last year’s idiotic showboating.

I guess it’s time to start this thing with reactions to Keith’s eviction. Porsche acts like she’s the queen of the ball, and even sticks her tongue out at the cam. Why, nobody knows. Jeff says it’s all great for the vets, but Dom is bummed that two people switched their votes. “I feel like I’ve been shanked multiple times.”

Kalia, sporting some marvelous homeless hair, says she changed her vote because Keith called her out. Shelly, one of the two who “shanked” Dom, is playing it up real good. “Somebody is going to get an ass whooping at the end of this”, she says. She acknowledges that the noobs have no clue that it’s her. Adam adds that he knows this means the noobs aren’t united. Lawon is as “furious like a hot volcano in Hawaii awaiting to erupt”. Oh Lawton, you talk a good game but you’re rarely even seen on the feeds.

Rachel is then shown hugging Porsche right before she grabs her golden key. Rachel is so proud of herself, and in the diary room thanks the noobs for “being idiots”. For a change, I can’t really argue with her there.

We then jump ahead to Jordan’s HOH victory, and Jeff claims she’s “under-estimated”. Yeah, it certainly helps with the rest of your team (and some noob) throws it for her. Cassi isn’t so happy as she knows it means another noob will be going home. Yeah, like you.

Moving into one of the bedrooms, Rachel is jumping for joy in celebration with the rest of her alliance. At the same time, Cassi is asking where the the other two votes came from. Shelly continues to lie, and Lawon enters the room saying how pissed he is because he “stuck his ass out for his team”.

Adam enters as Dom asks about conversations anybody had with the vets. Adam admits he was approached, but denies he was one of the votes. Kalia says she assumes that everybody has had a similar conversation, and both Cassi and Dom deny it. Hey kids, the answer is right in front of you!!!

Adam makes a fatal mistake, though, by acknowledging that he did shake his head in agreement with every demand they made. Cassi’s shocked. Adam believes that Dom is the rat as he just happened to walk out at this point in the conversation. Kalia couldn’t be more proud of herself, though. Good for her, as she’s done nothing else so far this season. Adam, shut up! He also adds that he doesn’t expect to go up this week.

For some unknown reason, Rachel then enters the room, twirls her hair, and asks how they’re all doing. She acts a bit shocked when Kalia says “two of our own” voted against their interests. “I didn’t know there are sides”, she says. Oh Lord. Cassi explains that it’s all just how they feel about Porsche. Uh oh. “Some of us like Porsche”, responds Rachel, “and she’s here now for a month.” Oh snap! Part one ends with Cassi saying “I don’t like to be bullied”. Well, get ready, my dear.

Dom is now in the other room and Jeff says that he thought they had the votes to keep Keith. Dom’s response is that “I didn’t know that you wanted Porsche to stay”. This ends up being a silly conversation, as both Jeff and Dom complain that the others didn’t come talk to each other. Dom asks who their two votes came from, and Jeff does what he does best – play dumb.

Ugh, Rachel and Porsche are now celebrating in the supply room. Porsche reports that Lawon was in tears after the vote, and Rachel reports on her conversation with the noobs…including the Cassi comments. “Cassi started the ‘We Hate Porsche’ club that she’s the sole member of, and it doesn’t really faze me”, claims Porsche.

After Rachel and Porsche leave the supply room, the scene shifts to the bedroom where Daniele is thanking Kalia for her vote. She tells Daniele that the noobs believe that it was actually Adam who didn’t vote to evict Porsche instead of her, and it’s all because of his big mouth.

Adam is lying down by himself as Shelly comes in to give him a pep talk. Shelly claims she feels horrible, but Adam believes the stray vote (or one of them, at least) was actually Dom. Cassi is talking to Dom, and they both believe it is indeed Adam, and both believe it means the end for them. All of these idiots continue to trust Shelly, though. This junk goes on way too long, and at the end Dom says that he needs to work his charms on Daniele.

After the commercials, we get to watch the Dom/Daniele relationship supposedly “blossom”…complete with the acoustic guitars usually saved for Rachel and Brendon. Thankfully, we jump to the kitchen, where Rachel is washing dishes as Cassi comes in to put away the clean dishes. Rachel complains in the diary room that it’s so awkward that they “can’t even be in the same room”, yet Cassi doesn’t appear fazed at all. Cassi agrees that it was awkward to be in the same vicinity as her, but it was “for me to show her you’re messing with the wrong girl. I’m not some dumb little girl that’s going to cower in the corner because you’re Rachel.”

As Cassi sits at the table eating, Rachel turns around. Cassi says “long day”, and…the scene ends. WTF??? We have to endure Jordan’s HOH room garbage instead of what actually happened. God, I’m getting sick of this shit.

With the fluff officially over, we now have to endure filler. Brendon comes out dressed in his superhero unitard, and I’m officially sick now as he mugs to the cameras about Franklin, his “house pet” stuffed turtle. This is awful.

Adam now heads upstairs to talk to Jeff and Jordan to hopefully make a deal with the two of them. He admits to them that he did vote to evict Porsche, but says that he doesn’t want to go home. He says the alliance he believe that he had didn’t exist, so he now haves to grovel. He says that if he’s nominated and ends up with the golden key he’ll owe them a lot. Jeff is hesitant, as he doesn’t think he can trust him.

Back to Dom’s flirting with Daniele. He tells her that he has nothing to offer the other vets, and Daniele says that she’ll do what she can to help. He asks her why she would do this, and she says she likes to hang out with him. Yep, it’s Daniele’s first dumb move of the season.

When we return from another set of commercials, Jeff is complaining about how Dom thinks he’s running the show. Rachel will have none of this, though, and complains that it’s actually Cassi. “(She’s) driving me up the wall. She’s super floater Cassi. With Jordan as HOH, I hope we get the right person out of here, and keep the other person in the house that’s going to work for us.” That’s Shelli, if you haven’t figured it out. Jordan just lays there looking confused as Jeff and Rachel make their cases against Cassi.

Time for the have/have not competition. Jordan comes out of the diary room in an ant costume and attempts to read the script. Lawon says he’s determined to not be on slop once again. They’re now all dressed as ants, connected to their partners. The backyard is made up to look like a giant picnic, and the pairs have to grab giant food “crumbs” and carry them back across the field. The winner gets to pick the have-nots for the week.

There’s no reason to go through the commentary of this silliness, especially after Rachel’s godawful sexual innuendos, so let’s jump to the conclusion. Rachel and Brendon won, but before we can get to the expected slop choices, Kalia is stuck inside one of the props, and is supposedly “injured”.  I guess this is enough drama to make it a commercial-length cliffhanger.

Ok, we’re back, and a medic comes out to check on Kalia. They have to cut the pair out of their ant suits, but Kalia admits that her injuries were more out of “fear” than an actual injury. “I’m sure I’ll be back to all my antics ASAP”, she claims. What “antics”? The bitch rarely does anything!

Finally, we get to hear Brendon and Rachel’s slop choices…and yes, it includes Cassi and Shelly, along with Adam and Dominic. Yeah, yeah, yeah, slop stinks. None of the four are very surprised. They come back into the house to discover that America’s Choice for food is jelly beans and beef jerky. Can we stop this voting for food crap? All it does is make Adam scream more idiocy.

Back to the game. Dom heads up to talk to Jeff and Jordan, and he claims he’s going to be “100% honest”. He says he has to play with somebody, so he has no option but to come to them. Jesus, these noobs have absolutely no game. Jeff and Jordan humor him, but it’s a nothing conversation.

It’s Cassi’s turn next, and she just wants her and Shelly to remain in the game as long as possible. She says she has no problems putting up other noobs, and that she can keep a secret. Another interesting edit, as this conversation went on a lot longer.

Jeff and Jordan then ask Daniele what she thinks they should do, and obviously she now wants Dom to stay in the game. According to Daniele, Dom knows nothing about the game, and Cassi is completely untrustworthy. “She’s the one causing all the drama with all the girls and everybody else downstairs.” What? And now this conversation also goes around in circles, designed to make us unsure as to who the nominees will be.

So here we go with the nominations, and Jordan actually makes it through the prepared script. The noobs also read their scripts accurately, too, as none of them feel they’re safe.  Jordan says that her “alliance is telling her to go one way, while my gut is telling me to go another.” No, Jordan, that’s the desire for another crinkly bag of chips.

The cast is brought in, and the nominations are Adam and Dominic. Jordan says she nominated them because she doesn’t know where their heads are at. Um, sweetie, you could say that about anything and everything. She adds in the diary room that she doesn’t care what the rest of her alliance thinks. Adam, of course, is bummed about being nominated, and Dom promises to do anything possible to stay in the game.

Thankfully, we’re done here. What did you think of the episode? Are you tired of the beneficial edits that Rachel is receiving? Are the noobs as inept as they appear? Who do you want to see leave?

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