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« WHY WHY WHY........ | Main | Tonight's The Night! »

Big Brother Season 13, Episode 1

Finally, the time is here for Big Brother! After a tiresome yet frantic two weeks of rumors, gossip, hints, and honestly uninspiring video interviews, we get to meet the cast of Big Brother 13 tonight! Along with the eight new contestants, questions are finally answered as to the identities of the “dynamic duos” returning to the show. Will they indeed be the six names that have been bandied about the past week, or will there be a surprise or two?

So here we go with the usual Julie Chen opening, and within two minutes she mentions “dynamic duos” at least a half dozen times. We finally get some news – each “noob” has to pick a partner, and then three former pairs are coming in to play against them.

We jump right into the obviously-staged, "surprised" house guests discovering they made the cast. Dominic is supposedly a biker who LOVES his mom, but doesn’t like her touching his hair. Cassi is at work “modeling”, and she calls herself a tomboy. Lawon says everybody loves him, and he LOVES bright colors. Keith is at church, and he says “when I’m not in church, I’m chasing girls”. Um, yeah. Shelly is out huntin’ and fishin’, and babbles some Southern gospel.

Adam is found at a heavy metal show…although there is no band playing. He says he’s not afraid “to show my feminine side”. Hmmm. Kalia claims to be “the real life Carrie from Sex and the City”. I’ll stop there. Porsche is a “real life VIP waitress” who is “without a doubt, the hottest girl wherever I go.” Oh Lord.

They all jump around, wasting their supposed one hour of preparation. While packing, they all continue to babble nonsense that fits into their already prepared roles. Keith even has a flow chart for his planned “Keith’s Angels” gimmick. Kalia loves sex, but Dominic is a virgin. Meanwhile, Lawon says that if “they want me to be gay, I’ll be gay. If they want me to be straight, I’ll be straight.” I think I’m warming up to this guy.

After tearful goodbyes to moms, girlfriends, kids, and friends, they head out. Seconds later, Julie brings them out to the front of the house. Yeah, we’ve seen this scene a dozen times before as she preaches platitudes about what’s going to happen this season.

The first group to enter the house is Porsche, Dominic, Lawon, and Shelly. They all do the stereotypical screeching and rush to choose their beds. Porsche shows a bit of smarts, though, as she points out there are only eight people in the cast. Shelly makes a “funny” about how Porsche sounds like a stripper name.

Julie then allows the other four to enter, and it’s the same as before. Adam growls like a metal fan, and Keith is already in love with all the women. Kalia says she has a “hair phobia”, so having to share showers is a nightmare for him. Meanwhile, Keith twirls Cassi around, primarily so he can stare at her legs. Cassi claims her best feature is her “personality”, but shows a bit of self-awareness by admitting the “doctor’s did help a little bit”.

Dominic is the second person to figure out that there are more people to enter, but it doesn’t really sink in to the others. They all head into the living room, and Adam believes he’s going to dominate the house as the others don’t look too intelligent. Yeah, I kind of agree with him.

They begin introducing each other, and Keith kicks things off by lying about his job as a minister. He’s now a matchmaker, because somehow that will make the ladies come to him. Really? Adam loves metal, bacon, and 90210. Wait, what? They all get a laugh over his metal roar.

Shelly and Kalia continue on with the introductions, and Keith loves Kalia’s “puppies”. Ok, I’m bored with this already. Porsche admits that she was named after the car, and in the diary room says she’s already attracted to Dominic. She also lies about being a waitress, because I guess people are intimidated by “VIP waitresses”. Cassi also lies about her occupation because she doesn’t want people to think she’s “narcissistic” or “better than anybody else”. Ok then.

After a commercial break, it’s time for Julie to announce that the house guests must pick partners. “Expect the unexpected”, blah blah blah. Ok, we do get some real info here. Each of the members of the team that wins HOH is safe from elimination, and they must pick one team to go against each other to remain in the game. Keith is “crushed” because it completely screws up his “Keith’s Angels” plan (like these women would go with that anyway).

Keith makes the first move, asking Porsche to be his partner. She’s not happy about this, because she doesn’t want to go against his stunning wardrobe, but eventually agrees. Dominic thinks he’s an idiot for “thinking with the wrong head” (probably the only smart thing we'll hear from him all season). Shelli and Cassi quietly form a bond, and Adam asks Dominic (who is not real happy about this). By default, Kalia is forced to be with Lawon, and her planned quiet game is squashed because she’s paired with the “big, crazy, flamboyant” one.

Julie comes back on to verify all of these pairings, and the second bombshell is dropped. Well, not quite, as Julie disappears after announcing that additional pairs are entering. Porsche and Kalia immediately start talking about who these partners could be when the doorbell rings, and…oh fuck…it’s Brenchel. Ugh. Dominic says he’s scared because they’re big competitors.

Rather than talking about their return, Rachel babbles in the diary room about how Brendon proposed to them. Fast forward time. Ha, Adam is pissed! “You’re not taking over my house!” I love him now!!! After sitting down, the doorbell rings again, and this time it’s Jeff and Jordan. The reaction to those two is a bit more enthusiastic. Lawon says he’s “in the company of Big Brother royalty”. Oh yeah, and Shelli couldn’t be more happy to meet her idols.

After some of the usual cheesy cutesiness, they all continue to babble nothingness. Adam is pissed that the returning house guests are going to ruin “HIS” season. The doorbell rings again…and it is once again commercial time.

When we return, it’s time for…you guessed it…Evel Dick and Daniele. Adam is setting the tone as the narrator of the show, and he says that Evel Dick is the reason he attempted to be on the show. Keith, of course, is immediately in love with Daniele. “Yummy, yummy, yummy, I’m thinking of kicking Porsche to the curb.”

Ok, Dick makes the first funny of the season. He introduces himself as the only winner here, and poor little Jordan gets sad. Um yeah, although I was fans of theirs during their season I’m already tired of Jeff and Jordan. “Dick makes me feel like chopped liver, and I hate chopped liver.” Oh yes, another season of Jordan-isms.

Dick wants to take a look at the upstairs, and Jeff asks if he and Daniele are “good”. I guess not, as they haven’t spoke in three years. She looks way uncomfortable, especially when they do a diary room together. Jeff isn’t completely convinced, though.

With the introductions completed, it’s time for the first HOH competition. The rules are simple – there are giant bananas in the backyard, and the winner is the team who hangs on the longest. Adam says it’s important that one of the new couples wins. After a short time, chocolate begins to be poured over the bananas. Shelly cements her role as this year’s Kathy by immediately falling, and claims that it’s part of their strategy (just like Kathy did week after week last year).

Jordan is the next to drop, right after I was bitching at CBS censors for blurring her ass. Keith and Cassi are struggling because his ass is in her face, and he falls. Cassi also falls shortly after, as does Lawon. Meanwhile, Dominic is bitching that Adam’s head is in his ass.

Adam is the next to drop, and then it’s Jeff and Dominic. Porsche and Kalia are the only new castmates left, and Rachel notes that Brendon is struggling. Yes, the ultimate competitor drops once again. Kalia then drops, and Rachel is confident that he can beat the only remaining noob, Porsche. “I spend a lot of my time on bananas”, she says.

It’s now whipped cream that is poured on those left, and Porsche is struggling. Goddamn those censors! Sure enough, she then drops. It’s now Rachel versus Dick and Daniele. Rachel says they are safe if they fall. Dick stupidly agrees, and drops. Daniele doesn’t know if she can trust Rachel, but she nods that they have a deal. Oh Lord, Brenchel is the first HOH! Ugh, she has to throw out a “no one comes between me and my banana”. Hmmm, Julie ends the segment by saying there’s another twist coming designed “to send shock waves through the house”.

What is the new twist? Julie has everybody gather again in the living room, and she tells Rachel that her choice will be more important than in past seasons as it will be both “a blessing and a curse”. The person who survives the “chopping block” now has a huge advantage because of the “Big Brother Golden Key”. Dum dum dum! This key guarantees a person a spot in the top 10. In other words, they can’t be nominated again until after week four. You can see the wheels spinning in poor little Rachel’s brain.

Blah blah blah this is big blah blah blah I’ll happily send my dad home blah blah blah totally blows my strategy blah blah blah. After some bikini highlights (ok, there are other things shown), the show is over.

So what did you think of the episode? Did you like the twists? I’m sure the rest of the BigBrotherGossip crew will have plenty to say about everything that was shown tonight on the second episode of The Big Brother Gossip Show, which will be available here late Saturday night.

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  • Response
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