Tonight’s episode may as well be titled “Stuck on Stupid”, as almost this entire hour is going to consist of dumb people doing and saying dumb things. The first few segments will continue to feature that red-headed banshee screaming for her feeeee-awwwn-say, as if she’s the only person to ever be separated from their boyfriend.
We’ve seen enough of this act the past two seasons, however, so it’s the second half that’s noteworthy. Seriously, the two most idiotic decision in Big Brother history (and I’m not exaggerating with that claim) should be shown tonight (unless there is some selective editing on one person’s behalf).
How will this happen? Let’s just say that these people’s moronic thought processes are trumped by a chain-smokin’, Bush-lovin’, catchphrase babblin’ person of questionable gender. You’re going to marvel as she takes less than a few minutes to infiltrate Kalia’s clean slate of a brain. The next time the Republicans have the White House, their first move should be to hire this person to head the CIA. She’s that good, or is the rest of the house that bad? That’s a tough question.
So let’s get moving with the clichéd responses to Kalia’s nominations of Jeff and Rachel, along with Rachel’s silly actions against Daniele. As we see her follow Daniele away from the nomination table, Shelly grabs her and tells her to calm down. Rachel complains in the diary room that Kalia is “reciting a script that Daniele has given her”. Kalia denies it, saying that she’s on the block because she’s “immature, catty, and ridiculous, and your behavior after the nomination ceremony is example A”. Hmmm, how quickly people forget, though.
Oh, we almost forgot about Jeff, who is also pissed that she put up two great competitors, and the one evicted may come back. Daniele, of course, is still cocky about the situation. “If Kalia is going to put blood on her hands, then I’m going to the bathroom to wash mine.”
Meanwhile, Shelly is still trying to calm Rachel down. She pulls her into the purple room, and says she’s worried that she may do something that will cause her to be kicked out. “I don’t care”, responds Rachel. “I’m going home. What does it matter?” Shelly continues to plead with her, and Rachel complains that Daniele has turned everybody against her. Shelly throws out the magic words, though. “Brendon doesn’t want to see you that way, Rachel.” Uh oh. Yeah, you know the words that come out of Rachel’s mouth after this.
The discussion concludes with Rachel saying she doesn’t want to stay in the house, and storms off. She heads into the have-not room and starts packing. “This isn’t worth money”, she whines to Jordan. “I’m so tired of everyone acting like I’m such a bad person. Daniele tore up Brendon and I, and she did it on purpose to hurt my feelings.” Jordan unpacks the stuff that Rachel has packed as she continues on about losing Brendon. Clench those eyes tighter, Rachel, so we can see a tear or two.
Jordan continues to attempt to cheer up Rachel, and in the diary room says its “tough work”. Yeah, I bet. Yet CBS continues to plague us with this footage as Rachel continues on and on about how she can’t survive without her Brennon. Please, poke my eyes and ears out immediately!
The camera now switches to the next bedroom, and Daniele and Porsche laugh at what they’re hearing. Yeah, this is also worthless, as Daniele says she suddenly likes that rarely-seen bimbo.
Daniele is now upstairs in the HOH, and Kalia now has tears in her eyes. Being a player instead of a floater is hard work, she says. Yet Kalia believes she can win. “I want to leave here knowing I left on my own doing; knowing that I came here to play.” They see everybody talking in the kitchen, and so she puts her head up against the door to hear Jeff talking about being players and not followers. Yeah, this doesn’t help Kalia’s mood, and she begins wailing. This is just terrible TV, although she does set the stage for her upcoming idiocy by saying in the diary room that she wants to do “anything” to get Jeff off her back.
After the commercial break, it is time to pick veto players. Jeff doesn’t want Daniele to play, and he promises to win. Rachel, of course, also says she HAS to win because she’s playing alone. Kalia pulls out Adam’s name, Jeff gets Shelly, and Rachel gets house guest choice. She picks Jordan. The host is Porsche.
Before we get to the competition, Shelly pulls Jordan and Jeff into the bedroom for a pep talk. Jordan asks if she’s “with us solid”. Shelly can’t believe what she’s hearing, and says she’s “never gone off the page once” before storming out of the room. Jordan starts crying, and Jeff says he “can’t take it anymore”. Yes, this is the token Jeff and Jordan cuteness for this episode.
Knowing he has to do some “damage control”, Jeff heads into another room to talk to Shelly. We get some silly story about how from the very beginning she has done everything to ensure Jeff and Jordan make it to the end. After a minute or so, Shelly is smiling again.
It’s now comp time, and for some reason we have to endure Jordan describing the competition. Rachel says she knows how the game works, but refuses to tell Shelly because “the entire house is against me”. Yes, Rachel, we know. The game has a Greek theme, and they have to roll a ball up a ramp and run around to catch it. Any ball that hits the ground causes a reset. The first one to get to 300 balls wins.
After listening to everybody once again claim they need to win, the contest finally begins. Oh yeah, we have to listen to another explanation of the rules from Adam. Jordan is having problems, of course, and Rachel’s plan is to win using “speed and accuracy”. Of course, this means we get to see her drop the ball multiple times, which makes Daniele laugh.
Surprisingly, Adam is slightly in the lead over Jeff, which means we get a “ball” joke from Jordan. Stupid Kalia notices, and decides to “take a break”. Shelly also drops her ball, and seeing she’s way behind Adam and Jeff also decides she’s out of the running. Kalia begins rooting for Jeff, which pisses off Daniele. Adam is in the lead near the 300 mark, and gets cocky in the diary room before we head to commercials.
When we return, Adam is tied with Jeff at 290. Jeff finally pulls ahead at 202, and goes on to win by two points. While Jeff celebrates, Rachel is once again pissed off. Kalia is obviously also happy, but doesn’t want to make any more enemies in the house.
Everybody heads inside, and we get the second Rachel pity party. Yeah, you know the script. Jeff comes in, and says that if Porsche becomes the replacement nominee she’ll be saved. Jeff acknowledges that she’s a bigger baby than his young niece, but it is in his best interest if Rachel stays. Jordan, though, thinks that she will be the nominee, and this will mean “war”.
The two head up to the HOH, and Kalia reiterates that she never wanted Jeff to go home. Her goal has been to target Rachel the entire time, but Jeff doesn’t want to hear it. “Personally, it was a stupid game move. If Rachel had won, then I would have gone home.” He asks if the risk was worth her reward, and Kalia responds that she never thought Jeff would be THAT pissed. He still claims that he will be going against her, but Kalia hopes that Jeff will settle down by NOT putting up Jordan as the replacement. Jeff says he’s “not buying it”.
Ok, here’s the point where, CBS editing crews willing, we see the game move of the year. Before we get to that, however, we have to endure Adam shaving off his beard. Really? The best segment of the year, and it is being cut down for more Adam nonsense?
Before we get to Shelly, we see Rachel babbling to Kalia about joining her side. Again, this is like every single one of Rachel’s previous pleas to those who nominate her – pleads, promises, and a little bit of threats. Yet CBS makes it look like Kalia is actually considering the move. No, that comes later.
Daniele now enters the HOH, and Kalia informs her about the possibility of keeping Rachel. Wait, what? We’re not getting the Shelly segment??? Obviously, Daniele is pissed! And so are the viewers who saw how this actually happened on the live feeds!!!
Now Porsche and Lawon are in the HOH with Daniele and Kalia, and Lawon volunteers to be put up!!! “I’ll come back and be like, ok, oh well, let’s play this game.” The rest of the room can’t believe their ears! He adds in the diary room that he believes he’d come back “with some special powers. We’re going to sail to the top. How you like me now?” I hope those powers include brains, my friend. Daniele thinks this is a win-win for her, as she can possibly make a deal with Rachel. Even Kalia thinks he’s “out of his mind”. Once he leaves, Daniele and Kalia laugh about the situation. You shouldn’t laugh too loud, because you did get played by footage CBS decided not to show us. Motherfuckers!
It is now veto ceremony time, and I can barely continue writing in my rage. In fact, I’m not even going to watch. Viewers undoubtedly heard the standard lines about not wanting to be on the block (besides Lawon), and Jeff used the veto on himself. Lawon is the new nominee, and everybody is laughing behind his back. Nice work, CBS. Besides a house full of morons, you refuse to let us view what really went down this week.
So what are your thoughts? Are you as pissed as me? Is Lawon the biggest moron in the BB history? Or is it chicken-shit Kalia? And who wants to bet that Brendon is the person who returns tomorrow? Let me know your thoughts.