The day has finally arrived – tonight we crown the winner of Big Brother 13? Will it be Adam, the only male Tori Spelling fan in the world who somehow believes he’s an All-Star? Will it be Porsche, the owner of multiple sweat suits and whose deadpan one-liners anger the cat crowd who don’t comprehend the concept of sarcasm? Or will it be Rachel, the veteran who constantly lets everybody know she’s had to “fight for her life” every week, but leaves out the little tidbit that production is always there to lend a helping hand when all hope appears to be lost?
We could just jump ahead 85 minutes and hand the check to what seems to me is an obvious choice, but we have lots of pomp, circumstance, whining, and self-important declarations to sit through. Once we get through the obligatory Julie Chen intro, a lengthy “previously on Big Brother” segment, and a bunch of cheese, the show commences where we left off last Thursday – the endurance competition that starts the three –part final HOH.
They all start off by talking about how they need to win, although Porsche adds in that maybe it’s not that important thanks to her final two deal with Rachel (who also mentions that she doesn’t know if she can trust Porsche). Nice job on the script-reading, kids!
We’re at the ten-minute mark, and Adam is already struggling. Porsche says she’s not feeling that great either. He’s really struggling at the twenty-two minute mark, and attempts to stretch his legs. Rachel is incredulous at his whining. Sure enough, he jumps off at the 28:58 mark. He says he has to “save any strength I have left for part two”. Silly boy.
Jump ahead a few minutes, and Porsche is asking Adam how Rachel is holding up. “She’s good.” Porsche says she’s “feeling a little ill”, but is “staying up here for dear life”. She says she’s feeling nauseous, though, while Rachel says she can stay up all night. Rachel wants her to drop so she doesn’t have to “hang out in throw up butter”. Porsche’s knees start to buckle, and she’s off at 46:10. Rachel gives a smile and thumbs up to the camera, and then tells Porsche she “did really good”. That’s actually funny!
Yes, Rachel, we know that Brendon would be so proud. Porsche hopes that she can beat Adam in the second part to ensure her place in the final two. Obviously, so does Adam.
After commercials, it is time for the second part of the HOH, which both Adam and Porsche have to perform separately. It’s an underwater maze, and since Porsche apparently loves swimming she is confident she’ll do well. In the maze is the names of the house guests, and they have to place each of the previous HOH’s in order.
Porsche jumps in, and after making a “joke” about not practicing anything underwater, she finishes the competition. We don’t get to see her score, but she thinks she could have done better. After the obligatory “I have to kick ass” speech from Adam, he starts working on the names. The goggles get in his way, though, so he tosses them aside. Unfortunately, now he can’t see at all. Great job, Tori-lover.
Adam jumps out and grabs the goggles, but he’s lost lots of time. He finally finishes, and Rachel reads off the scores. Adam’s time was 6:03, but Porsche’s was 3:50! Porsche will now battle Rachel for the final HOH! Adam just hopes that whoever wins will realize their best shot is to take him, and Rachel reads the diary room cue cards well enough to express doubt.
Now we jump to the jury house conversation, and Shelly asks who they want to see come next. Jeff wants it to be Kalia and Porsche, while Brendon hopes it is Porsche. Daniele wants to see Rachel (“shocker”, says Brendon), while Shelly is hoping for either the “coaster” (Adam) or Rachel.
And in walks Kalia – “hey guys!” She fills them in on Rachel’s win, but luckily we’re interrupted by Jordan’s appearance. For some reason, Brendon jumps up excitedly. Oh yeah, because that means that Rachel is still there. Jordan fills them in on what happened, and says that she thinks Rachel should win. Daniele counters that although Rachel whines about floaters, she’s “the biggest floater in the house”. (Hmmm, I think I’ve heard that line on The Big Brother Gossip Show!) Brendon counters that switching up strategy is a way to play, but Daniele says that she treats people like shit. Brendon’s response? “I always said she’s as smooth as a rhinoceros in a china store.”
Kalia, though, says that she has changed her mind about Rachel, and that she has had the toughest road to the end. Shelly, though, doesn’t think there is any point where you have to “viciously, maliciously tear people out personally and then send them off with half a million dollars”. Jordan brings up the lies and the mean things Shelly has said, though, but Rachel’s “level was different and not strategic”. Jeff says that they had plenty of chances to get rid of Rachel.
They move on to Porsche, and again Jeff whines about how he never talked to her. Kalia congratulates her on her “chill” way of playing, but Jordan said she did nothing “but walk around in a bikini and cooked”. Kalia also points out the wins Porsche had, and that she had much more than Adam. Jordan counters that he showed his loyalty, and Jeff agrees that it “is a big part of the game to me”. Shelly again points out that he “waffle-waffled” the entire game. Jordan is still hung up on her opinion that Porsche did nothing until “day 52”, but Daneile points out that Adam is a “piggy backer”. Ok, I’m officially bored.
Ooooh, Shelly brings up how Kalia and Porsche played “Dani’s game”. Uh oh, Kalia is pissed. “I played my own game, and we played together. End of story! Period!” Thank God that’s over!
Now it is time for the final competition of the year. It’s Rachel versus Porsche in a question game about the jury members (which in some ways is not fair to a noob). The first question is about the moment Brendon doesn’t want friends and family to see, and they both are wrong. The second question is about Daniele’s opinion of the most shocking moment, and Porsche changes to the wrong answer. Shelly’s question is about her most fatal error, and they both are again wrong. Jeff’s question is about the best thing about being in the house, and AGAIN they are both wrong! Kalia’s question is about the biggest lie in the house, and again Rachel is correct. She has won the final HOH!!!
After commercials, it is time for Rachel to pick her runner-up – I mean second final two candidate. Porsche goes first with the final plea, and she doesn’t say much but the typical stuff. Adam gives a shout out to the metal heads at Yankees stadium (note, they’re not watching), and then says that he was NEVER a floater, unlike Porsche. “Last year, you said floaters grab a life vest. This year, floaters grab a paycheck?” Ugh.
Rachel then stands up, and after telling Julie “no” to whether she is ready, she gives the “fight for her life” speech before evicting Adam! Porsche and Rachel are the finalists! He gives one last metal cheer before heading out, and then (stupidly) milks the crowd for more cheers and high fives. He even hugs poor Julie!
Julie asks if Rachel made the right decision, and points out that he was not great at competitions. He believes he did very well at the end, but ultimately Rachel made the right decision “because if I had made final two I would have won.” Um, no you wouldn’t. Thankfully, we’re done with him already.
It is now time to introduce the jury, and I’m surprised there are no boos when Shelly walks out. Julie then introduces Adam as the seventh member of the jury, and Brendon is (obviously) ecstatic. The two finalists are then beamed in for jury questions, and Brendon goes first by asking Rachel about whether she should be rewarded for the hurtful things she’s said. Once again, we get the “fight for my life” speech, and that she should win on game play. Oh yeah, and she’s sorry if she offended anybody.
Jordan goes next, and asks Porsche her patented “bikini and cook” question. Get over it, girl. You did little more. She points out that she had the golden key for the first month, and played a social game instead. Kalia asks Rachel what she did besides winning competition, and AGAIN we get the “fight for my life” speech. She adds that her biggest move was evicting Kalia, who she thinks would have won if she had made final two.
It is now Shelly’s turn, and she asks Porsche when she started playing the game. She claims she started in the first week, but Keith screwed up her game. Yes, again we got to hear once again about the golden key. Neither of these girls have a lot to say, I guess. We’re already finished – I guess Daniele, Jeff, and Adam don’t get questions.
One more commercial break later, it is time for the final pleas of the last two players. Rachel goes first, and ONE MORE TIME we get the “fight for my life” spiel. ENOUGH!!! She adds that she was the person who exposed Daniele’s plan of backdooring Jeff, and also giving the boot to Kalia. Somehow, she also deserves credit for playing without Brendon.
When she finally concludes, Porsche she points out that they were the people who kept her in the first week, and Adam gives her a dirty look when she says she got second place four times and won four competitions. A couple of minutes later, and I have no idea what she said.
Here we go – it is voting time. Brendon’s key goes in first, and we know his vote. Daniele is next, and she tells Porsche she adores her but Rachel is “lucky that it is not a personality contest”. Oh boy, the cat ladies aren’t going to like that line! Jeff is the third vote, and he says “I don’t have anything cute to say”. He just congratulates them both as he puts in his key.
Shelly says she loves the heart they both have, but just not as much as Brendon loves Rachel. Kalia struggles with her dress, and then says something she didn’t say all season – “I don’t have a lot to say.” Instead, she just says “pajamapajama”. Jordan says hi to Rachel and that she misses her. “You both did good.” Adam is last up, and he again says he would have won if Rachel hadn’t evicted him. “I got four answers right in that final HOH. If I didn’t throw my goggles and didn’t smoke I would have won this game…the next time I come back for All Stars I’m winning this game!” No, you won’t!
Before we get to see the votes, though, we get a little bit of time with the first five evictees. We start with Evel Dick, and Julie asks about the veteran’s alliance he created. He says it was a “would have, should have, could have been the best alliance that has ever played the game if they had stuck together. But my lovely daughter blew it open with an atomic bomb, and there it went.” Daniele agrees, but says that the biggest mistake players usually have is making alliances on the first day. “I wanted to work with the people that I actually cared about and had relationships with.”
Julie asks if Daniele’s move to boot Jeff was a dumb move, and he jokes he’d rather talk about his daughter “behind her back”. He says that it was “typical in playing too hard, too fast”. He thinks she should have had secret alliances with the noobs, and let them do the dirty work.
Talk moves to Cassi and what surprised her the most. She jokes that it is how cute Adam is without his beard. She says that Shelly shocked her but she played a great game. Shelly is asked to respond, and she says that she does “adore” her but she just had to play both sides of the house since she is not a competitor. Jeff is asked to weigh in on this topic, and he says that they had made up in the jury house. Cat ladies, you can call off the hounds on Shelly!
Julie then asks Kalia about her non-existent strategy of “biting her tongue”. Now that she isn’t playing the game, does she have anything she wants to say? She still thinks she “bit her tongue a lot in the house”, but feed watcher never saw it! She claims that she did play her own game, and that she “is nobody’s slave”. We go back to Jeff, and whether he made up with Daniele. He jokes about giving back each other’s “friendship bracelets”, but admits that he does not like her. Uh oh. Julie ends the segment by reminding everybody about the America’s Choice prize.
FINALLY it is time to reveal the votes! We know the first vote (Brendon) goes to Rachel, but Daniele voted for Porsche. Jeff’s vote went to Rachel, as does Shelly. Kalia, though, votes for Porsche, but Jordan’s vote goes to Rachel FOR THE WIN! Censors, be careful as Rachel’s ass is about to escape her tiny dress.
As we head to the final credits of the season, Julie reveals that Adam voted for Porsche. The final score was then 4 – 3. The America’s Choice prize obviously went to Jeff. Who didn’t predict that?
So there we have it. What did you think of the finale? Or the entire season? Anything stand out as exciting, funny, weird, or noteworthy? Let us know!