It's here! The night we've been waiting for all summer. Or as WWE's The Rock would say, "finally, Biiiiiiiiiiig Brother has come BACK to our television!!!!"
Over the last few weeks, those of us who live and breath this show have dealt with rumors, innuendo, leaks, predictions, undue personal attacks (and a few deserved), lies, and lying liars. Some stories have already be proven true, along with a TON that are as silly as the person who created them. (BTW, good work on the handful of people the created a firestorm of controversy with their claim they had a "live feed beta" last weekend.)
So what will we see tonight? Is this really the "biggest cast ever"? Will we be "shocked" by the promised four twists they're going to squeeze in this hour? Is there really going to be a new mom with a horrific twitter alter ego coming in, or a return of a infamous tart that I called out in admittedly poor taste as "Vegas whore" last weekend? (I predict "no" to the majority of these questions.)
Too bad I'm not able to watch this episode in my normal comfort zone of a nice soft couch, full-volume 5.1 sound, and surrounded by booze, smokes, poppers, and near-naked nymphs fetching me whatever I need. Nope, Chez Hudson is currently under construction, and the carpet installation has unfortunately coincided with tonight's broadcast. I'm old school tonight, watching an over-the-air broadcast with no DVR or rewind capabilities. And instead of comfort and barely-legal mental aids, I'm sitting on a pile of DVD boxes with no place to set down a drink. Forgive me if I'm not as complete or accurate with my quotes as in the past.
Enough with my problems! It's time to watch the show! And there she is - the Chenbot. Same boring delivery; same stiff movements. Wait, for of the "greatest of all time" are coming back. Then the supposedly confirmed rumors including Boogie and Britney just can't be true!!!
Unfortunately, we also have no change in how we "meet" the new houseguests. Yes, it's the awful, staged videos of them "receiving" their invites...complete with the cliches of how they're going to win, be the greatest player ever, how they're smarter than everybody, blah blah blah. Wait, Jodi just married a man with 5 kids? Craziness. all I learned is that JoJo is hot, the Survivor brother is a fucktard, the Playboy model isn't all that, and the spray tan chick is a moron.
With that segment thankfully over, they're all brought out together and Julie again reads the script from last year...or the year before...or whenever. Wil, Ashley, Jodi, and Frank get to enter first, and while I hate to keep hitting that same button it really is NO different than every other year.
Ian, Shane, Jen, and Danielle are then sent in, and it's a repeat performance marked only by Shane's dirty pits. Daniele says she's "never seen anybody" like Jen. The final four are sent in, although this is the group that we all thought was the first picture since CBS tweeted it earlier this week.
Ashley wants to babble about her life, but JoJo cares more about getting a bed. In face, she moves some bags away just to ensure she gets the bed of her choice. Champagne is poured, and they begin introducing themselves. Joe thinks Wil is one of the "prettiest chicks in the house". Oh boy. The Hantz boy introduces himself, and Ian already has figured out the Survivor connection. For some reason, though, Daniele thinks it is smarter to say that she is a kindergarten teacher rather than a nurse. Ashley tells her mobile spray tan story to dead silence, and for some reason she thinks Ian is her type. Really?
Frank says he's unemployed, but Jodi doesn't believe it. "I'm about 98% sure he's hiding some fact about what he does for a living." Kara admits she models, but says nothing about Playboy, and Ian is in love. "Kara might be the cutest girl ever in the history of hte planet Earth." Daniele, though, like Shane because a carpenter has "to be good with his hands". Yes, we found this year's cliche girl for the competition diary rooms voiceovers. Thankfully, it is commercial time.
When we return, Julie repeats the "memorable house guest" line, and we finally see that the "mentors" (or "coaches" as they call them). The first introduced is Dan, and he is excited to be able to combine his coaching and Big Brother skills this year.
Wait, I recognize that "bye bye bitches" soundbyte (we use it on the Big Brother Gossip Show), so that obviously means the second coach is Janelle. She claims to now be the "Real Housewife of Minnesota". Um, yeah.
Another BBGossip show soundbyte??? Yes, it's the "I lost my dignity on a slipper weiner" line from the love of my life, Britney! She makes fun of herself for letting those idiots play her in her season, but she says she's not as naive as last season.
Ugh, the fourth coach is Boogie. I have nothing to say here, except he's even more smarmy now than then...and that's saying something.
With the intros over, Julie now informs the noobs of the twist, but adds that the four supposedly great players are here to coach them. If one of their players wins, their coach wins $100,000.
As the noobs talk about coaching possibilities, Dan struts his way into the house to big cheers. He gives them his standard homecoming football game pregame speech, and they all huddle up afterwards. Knute Rockne, he isn't.
Britney enters net, but Frank isn't impressed that she could possibly be a coach. Boogie enters next, and Ian claims it's like "stepping into Yankee Stadium and playing with Alex Rodriguez". Really, Ian? Come on.
Finally, Janelle enters, and even Britney is happy as she's her "favorite player ever, ever, ever". Boogie reminds viewers that he evicted her in the All-Stars season, and is a bit worried she may enact revenge against him. God, I hope so.
Willie is sitting with Frank , and Dan comes over to tell him he looks like Russell from Survivor. Willie doesn't want people to figure this out, though, because Russell was known to be a jerk on his show. Dan says they look almost exactly the same, and Russell is worried that he's going to tell others. "He must be a good lookin' dude." Boogie and Janelle also have suspicions, and Boogie says there's no way he's going to pick him.
Julie calls everybody back to the couch, and explains that the reason they got invitations instead of keys is because they have to "earn" their key...and one is leaving that same night. Before we get to that, though, the coaches must pick their players.
Everybody is outside after the commercial break in some strange giant teddy bear bedroom setting, and Britney gets to choose first. She wants an athletic, sociable guy, and Shane is that guy. Boogie then picks Frank, partly because of his athleticism and also because of his hair. Janelle's first pick is Wil, partly because she wants "good schemers". Some things never change! Dan ends the first round by choosing Kara, which is surprising after his diatribe about wanting somebody "ruthless enough to stab a person in the back but nice enough that they'll make them like you while the knife is going in".
The second round sees the coach order reversed, and Dan goes with Daniele. Janelle adds Ashely to her team, and Willie can't figure out why he's being passed up. Boogie goes with Ian, who tells him he's a "legend". Britney finally picks Willie.
Again the order is reversed, and JoJo goes to Britney's team. Jen goes to Boogie's team, and Janelle gets Joe, Yes, poor Jodi is the last person standing, and Dan has no choice but to take the "steal of the draft".
The first HOH comp immediately begins, and it's a Summerlong Slumber Party. Everybody is dressed in pajamas, and they are playing as teams. The coach of the winning team gets to pick the first HOH, but the coach of the last place team has to evict one of their players.
As for the game, the players have to jump from bed to bed, and then grab a teddy bear to bring back to a "shelf". If a player falls, they have to go back to the end and start over. After some small talk, and more junk from Willie about his famous brother, the game commences.
These mattresses aren't static, though, as one moves back and forth, and another in circles. Every team has players that must start over, but Shane makes it back with the first bear. Wil follows with another, as does Frank. Dan's team, though, is having tons of problems, but Jodi is confident she can make it across. She nearly does, though, but has lots of trouble with the third one.
Ashley basically shows her camel toe, as her method is the "frogger" technique. Willie gets the second bear for Britney's team, and JoJo grabs the third bear. Ian grabs his team's second bear, and JoJo is too exhausted to continue making the jumps. Joe gets the second bear for Janelle's team as Britney gives JoJo a pep talk. At this point, three of the four teams (all but Dan's) are at the exact same point with the third bear as we head to a break.
When we return, all three are continuing to have problems. JoJo finally makes it across, though, and Shane leaps across to hit the buzzer. Britney's team wins!
The game isn't over, though, as Julie must remind the remaining players. Since it is the twenty minute mark, the coaches can now make substitutions, and Frank races across to get his teams' third bear. Wil does the same for Janelle's team, and ends up wtih second place as he beats Frank across to the buzzer.
With the game over, Britney must choose the HOH from her team, and she picks Willie. Yeah, this should make an interesting week. She says that he needs this free week to "wheel and deal to solidify his place in the house". As opposed to everybody else?
Unfortunately, Dan must evict somebody from the game, but obviously we have to head to a commercial before this occurs. We next see everybody back in the house, and Dan says his choice is between Jodi and Daniele. Jodi makes her case by saying she was a better failure at this competition than Daniele was. "I deserve to be here", she adds in the diary room. Really? Daniele is asked the same question, and she claims that Jodi will probably cause drama. Hmmm, I don't know where that comes from.
They all head back into the living room...and Dan gives a speech before giving the boot to Jodi. Daniele says she feels bad, and Ian says this is the most "cruel" thing he's ever seen on Big Brother. Willie adds that this is "his" game, and it's all about him. Yeah, we know.
So that's it this week. Same old stuff, really, with a couple of interesting twists. What are your thoughts on tonight's show? Do you like the coaching twist? Or the immediate eviction? Let us know your thoughts!