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Monday
Jul162012

The Worst Porno Ever!

Many, many years ago, a good friend of mine claimed that Showtime and other movie channels routinely broadcasted pornography late at night. Obviously, a clean living, moral person like myself would never know about these things. Pornography? Naked people sticking body parts into each other? No, I would never knowingly view something like that. Give me wholesome entertainment while I wolf down some cookies and milk.

Last night, though, I believe I watched some sort of edited porno. I’m talking really edited; almost fit for a child. I thought I had tuned into Big Brother After Dark, but there’s no way this could be possible.

When I turned to that channel, I witnessed a couple of floozies helping some young bimbo with outdated hair squeeze herself into an extremely tight dress that featured a super lowcut top and a bottom that barely covered her bum. There’s no way this trailer trash Farrah Fawcett could fit a pair of panties under this ensemble, and clearly there was no bra as half of that part of her body was in clear view.

It also seemed obvious that I had probably tuned in a bit late, as surely this prep scene occurred right after the three bimbos did whatever it is that girls do in one of THOSE types of movies. I shuddered in disgust at the sins that must have been broadcast into millions of homes across the country. Children could have been tempted to turn away from their faith!

After a long period of primping and adjustments, this would-be Ginger Lynn was greeted by a silly young boy who somehow combined the characteristics of Urkel, Barney Fife, Bud Bundy, and Harry Reems (minus the moustache). Oh, I get it now – this is one of those deflowering porns that I’ve heard about where the young boy has his innocence stolen by an older hussy.

As they moved into another room, I was definitely convinced that this is one of those “special” movies. Given the cheap exterior of the shot, it just HAD to be true! Cheap, tacky furniture in a room whose walls appear to be connected via Elmer’s Glue gave it the look of a small town community playhouse. Certainly one bad move would cause the entire set to fall over. Plus, you could even see their microphones!

Yet, I kept watching, partly out of curiosity and partly because I had this weird stirring in my pants. These two would-be stars didn’t make it easy, though. Sure, the lines they had to deliver were cringe-inducing, particularly when the bimbo asked “is that graphite in your pocket or are you just happy to see me”, but her “skills” in delivering these lines made the Kardashians look like Oscar winners.

It didn’t take long before I was almost begging for them to actually get to the dirty part of the movie, yet it never came (nor did they). The dork kept babbling, and the bimbo kept the double entendres coming, but not an article of clothing was shed.

Then suddenly, out of the blue the movie jumped to different people! What the hell? So they really do edit the sex out of pornos on this channel? Now on my screen was a steroid-pumped midget lying spent in bed, talking to an exhausted, disheveled young blonde with messy hair and wandering eyes. There’s no doubt what had just happened in this scene, which means this movie completely cut out not one but TWO sex scenes in a row!

Like the previous scene, these two porn sluts wasted my time by babbling away before being joined by a gay version of The Lemonheads’ Evan Dando. Wait, not only is this a porno but it’s a gay porn? I better call my Congressman!

I couldn’t bear to witness any more of this debauchery, so I turned off my television, threw up, and then prayed for the next hour. Yet something drove me back to my television, and when I turned it back on the steroid boy had yet another girl sleeping in his bed! Clearly, I had again missed the dirty parts, so I turned it off only to find he was with that bimbo from the first scene a little bit later!!!

I feel so dirty today, but thankfully this terrible movie was edited for television. I can’t even imagine how disgusted I’d feel if they hadn’t cut these scenes. What happened to Big Brother After Dark, though? Was it cancelled? I may have to tune in again tonight to find out if this is a recurring issue. Yeah, that’s the reason I’ll tune in.

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