Before you begin reading this recap, I want you to jump on Spotify or Last.FM or whatever and pull up the song "Tonight's the Night". No, not the awful Rod Stewart song about his late-night activities with actress Britt Ekland. I'm talking about the mid-70's Neil Young dirge about his mates in Crazy Horse.
It's a much more fitting tune to represent this season. Ok, there were no deaths this year, unlike the guitarist and roadie that make Neil's song so emotional. But there was a funeral, and the season had a deathly glow to it.
Ok, enough of an attempt to open this in an arty way. I'm just not that good of a writer. Tonight we end this long, long season, and hopefully we'll see the answers to our big questions. Will Dan pull out his season-long goal to mentally shred the house? Will Danielle find a makeup combo that covers up her long-festering zits? Could Ian find the guts to flip the script and wipe that smug smile off Dan's face? Will Ashley find her brain? The list of questions goes on and on.
Before we begin, I'd like to thank everybody who has put up with my sarcasm and whining throughout the summer...along with those who took the time to listen to all of us babble about the show on The Big Brother Gossip Show. Despite my constant complaining, it has been a fun eight weeks, and I can't wait to do it again next summer.
After a long, long intro full of hyperbole (big fights? big romance?), and the usual recap of the recap from Julie, we go right to the first part of the final HOH competition. This dates way back to last Thursday night, so there won't be much commentary here. In case you forgot, it's an endurance comp where the three of them are dunked into water, and then slammed into a wall. Danielle gives us some foreshadowing by saying she has nobody she can trust. Yeah, whatever.
But wait. We do have something new here! Before the competition started, Dan told Ian that he had to throw this one! Dan says that he can't beat Danielle in the second heat, and fellow Renegade Ian is all too willing to follow through. He also has apparently told Danielle that she should trust him, and that Ian dropping in ten minutes will prove it.
Good boy Ian does exactly as he's told, and does drop. But it was in 17 minutes, not ten. Oh, and there is that smile from Danielle to Dan, even though she says she still doesn't know if she trusts him.
Dan sends Ian away, and then he tells her that the only shot for the two of them to win is for her to drop. But...it has to be her idea. They go back and forth on this for a bit, and he even asks "do you trust me or not?" As always, the silly little country girl also does as she's told and she drops. Yes, Dan convinced both players to potentially give up their place in the finals.
With this round over, after commercials we move on to the second HOH competition between Danielle and Ian. Before we get to that point, though, we see Danielle telling Dan she thinks she can beat Ian but "it's just the scary part if I don't". In the diary room, Dan says that his plan IS to take Danielle to the finals but he needs a "contingency plan in case she doesn't win round two". He comes up with a plan that will have Dan high-fiving Ian if he wins and yelling out, "we did it". Danielle is then supposed to get mad because Ian is supposed to take HER to the end. "You've gotta make him feel like if he cuts you, in no way you'll vote for him." Great idea, Danielle. Dan's hoping this make Ian want to throw the third round to him.
Finally, we get to the competition. There's a Big Brother "skyscraper", and they have to climb up and grab pictures of the house guests (after wiping soot off them) and line them up in order of eviction. The person with the fastest time is the winner.
Danielle goes first, but not all of the pictures are house guests. She puts her "heart" into it, and is confident she did well. Ian then does his round, and his strategy is to just clean off the names on the pictures to save time. Once completed, we find out that Danielle's time was 7:31, but Ian takes the prize with a time of 6:04.
Ian is calm, but Danielle is pissed. Time for plan B. Ian walks into the house and congratulates with Dan right in front of Danielle, which pisses off Ian. She asks Dan why he was celebrating, and Ian walks right by her saying, "I'm not going to talk to that bitch." The argument then becomes between Danielle and Dan about which player Ian is taking to the finals. The plan works...at least on Dan's behalf, as Ian says in the diary room that he would never take a person to the finals with that kind of poor sportsmanship. Hahahaha! Now, Dan says he just needs to convince Ian to throw the final round. Unfortunately, Ian says he would never throw that round, but Dan ends the scene by saying under his breath that will indeed happen.
Oh boy, it's now jury deliberation time. They begin by predicting who will the next face they see, and obviously they all have different dreams. Shane then walks in, telling everybody he got "blindsided by Dan". He tells the entire story about how Danielle had both the HOH and veto, and he still got sent home. Jenn thinks that Danielle was in on the plan, but Shane lets out a big claim that he and Danielle were in cahoots "physically" the last two days. Gross.
They start off the deliberations by talking about all three players. Ian is first, and both Joe and Britney have nothing but kudos for him. Frank doesn't agree, because, after all, he stabbed him in the back. Britney rolls her eyes, and another fight ensues. Jenn adds something about rats needing cheese, but I don't get her point.
Talk moves on to Danielle, and Britney thinks she had it pretty easy this season. Ashley, of all people, actually brings up how she just played Dan's game. They all agree on this. Britney doesn't believe that playing somebody else's game is not worth the winning prize, but Jenn does point out that she did win some competitions.
Obviously, Frank wants to talk about Dan. Britney says that she is in "awe of his game", and they all seem to agree. Well, except Frank...and Joe, who says there is a "life manual". Jenn, though, points out that all of them have done the same thing, but Frank can't be convinced. Joe agrees, saying "if Dan and Judas were in the finals, Dan MIGHT have my vote". Oh Joe. Ultimately, they all decide that they need more time to make their decision. Haha!
Here we go! It's the final HOH competition between Dan and Ian. As always, it is the questions regarding the jury members. The first question is Ashley's favorite moment in the house, and they both correctly pick her ice cream date with Frank. Question two is Joe's biggest regret, and they both correctly say it was his ten alliances.
The third question is about Britney's most embarrassing moment, and Ian takes the lead by correctly guessing that it was when Jojo bartered smokes for a vote. The next question is the moment in the house that irritated Frank the most, and Ian again is the only one with the correct answer of his being on the block all the time. Hmmm, think Dan is throwing it?
Question five is Jenn's most uncomfortable moment, and it is once again Ian who correctly says it was the Frank/Willie fight. Ian is the final HOH winner! There's no doubt in my mind that Dan threw that, like every other competition this year!
Now is the time for Ian to make his final decision, and after babbling about how hard it is to eliminate a Quack Packer, he gives Danielle the big boot! They all hug, and she's out the door. After watching some celebrating, Julie then goes into the interview. She asks why she didn't try to work out a deal with Ian, and she babbles nonsense about not wanting to have too many deals. What? She does make a bit more sense, though, when she adds that she knew Ian would go right to Dan with any deal they made.
Julie then asks why Ian kept Dan over her, and she claims that Ian "told me to my face he can't win against me". Um, no. You're an idiot, babe. She supposedly has too many friends in the jury, but she isn't sure she believes that. "It's a cowardly way to go out." Wait, what?
The next question is honestly answered, though, as she say she is "confused" when Julie asks how she's feeling. She doesn't know what to believe from Dan (duh), and we move on to idiocy about how Ian can't stand the thought of people not liking him.
With Danielle gone, it is time to start making our way to the conclusion. Oh wait, we have more filler to deal with, as the jury is brought out. Well, the first six...and then Danielle is reintroduced (which is what Britney says she wanted). After throwing herself at poor Shane (lol), Julie tells them that Ian is the one who evicted her.
It is jury question time, and Ashley starts by asking Ian about whether he made his own decision. Ian babbles nonsense about how he created the Quack Pack to "take destiny in his own hands". Dan, who is making hand gestures through the end of this speech, says he "totally disagrees" with that.
Frank then asks Dan about lying and backstabbing. Did he cross the line by swearing on the Bible and his wedding ring. Dan says he was "forced to play a ruthless game", and he would take it all back if he could. Yes, we get the "elbows in blood" speech again.
Jenn then tells Ian that she doesn't believe in snitches, so why should she reward him for playing Boogie, Frank, and herself. Once again, as Ian repeats his earlier lines about the Quack Pack, Dan is shaking his head that Ian is wrong about everything. Interesting strategy.
Joe is up next, and says that he believes the "elbows in blood" line is silly since he only won one HOH. "What are you trying to take credit for?" Dan says that he had to stab each of the jury members, and had to befriend and betray them all.
Next up is Britney, and she asks Ian why he deserves to win over Dan. In case you didn't hear it before, he AGAIN repeats his bullshit about "taking his fate in his own hands". He does make points by saying he "played a slightly cleaner game" than Dan.
It is Shane's turn, but he's confused by the piece of paper in his hand. After getting the correct card, though, he says "Satan...I mean, Dan, why do you deserve to win over Ian?" Dan then tells the real story on how the Quack Pack was originally formed with the four of them, and Ian in his dog suit was led up on a leash and told he was the fifth vote. He's right on this! Ian is now starting to get a bit upset, yelling "bull bull bull".
Now we end with Danielle, who doesn't have a prepared question. She asks him if he was aware that Dan also had a final two deal with her, and was planning on taking her instead of him if he had won. Ian was not aware of that, he says, and "I really hope that's not true". After all, Dan gave him his "grandfather's gold necklace as collateral". Yes, Danielle just gave her Johnny Holmes look again!!!! YES!!! Dan does admit that he would have taken her if he had not thrown that final comp.
After a commercial break, the two finalists now get a chance to plead their case. Ian goes first, and says that while he was going to keep his speech fairly nice, he is "disgusted" with Dan. He lays out how he has own more victories, and has a better poker face. He tries to make a "nine lives" joke, but it doesn't quite work. He does point out how Dan has backstabbed all of them, "including me". He says he has played the game with "probability, statistics, and a little bit of heart". The crowd applauds as he conlcudes.
It is now Dan's turn, and he rambles about how after the game was reset he knew he was in trouble, and then lists the positive attributes of everybody in the jury. He says he had to stand back and figure out what he had to do to win the game, and he had to be ruthless. He played the game 24/7 because he had to, and that's why he deserves to win. "I hope you're not too mad at me, and I hope you're not too disgusted."
It is now the moment of truth, and Ashley is the first to insert a key, saying "I definitely put you on my dream board". Britney is next, and says they both deserve it. "Quack quack."
Next up is Frank, and he says he's voting "for who I think made the best decisions in the game". "Preesh, hopefully", replies Dan. Joe is the next juror, and he is sort of subdued as he puts in his key. Jenn tells them they played a great game, and Dan replies that she has "sold over a million records". "Kissing butt to the end", Ian asks Dan. Shane is up next, and actually makes a speech of sorts.
The final vote could be fun, as it belongs to Danielle. "The only reason I'm voting this way is because I've tried to keep my word, and I'm trying to continue." Um, ok.
You'd think we would get to crown the winner, but instead it is time to bring back the rest of the cast (minus Willie). Janelle is asked what surprised her the most sitting at home, and she says "besides all of Danielle's lies", it was Dan's gameplay. "If he doesn't win Big Brother 14, it's an absolute travesty." Julie asks if he's the greatest ever, and Janelle says he's "ONE" of the greatest. Frank is asked for a response, and he says that he doesn't respect his game this year, although he was one of his favorite players ever.
Boogie is then asked the same question, and he says that he was way impressed by him, but he was even more impressed by how Ian grew over the summer. "He's going to leave a man, one way or another."
For some reason, we move over to Shane, who wants to ask Danielle if his eviction was premeditated. "I swear on everything, I had no idea." Dan jumps in and confirms that is indeed the case. Thanks, Shane, we now have to hear Dan's journey story one more time.
Julie takes control again, and asks Wil what surprised him the most. He says very little shocked him, and does a great imitation of "Eagle Eyed Joe". He says that people shouldn't hold a grudge if people like to you. "Take responsibility."
FINALLY, it is time to count the votes. Danielle voted for Dan, but Shane's vote goes to Ian, as does Jenn, Joe, Frank. Ian is the winner of Big Brother 14!!!!
In heads out, and is congratulated by his entire family...and Britney. As we go to commercials, the audience and house guests start a "quack quack" chant. It's a quick break, though, and when we return Julie congratulates him. It turned out that the last two votes were also Ian's, and he says it is "the best moment in my life". Julie then reads off the America's Favorite House Guest winner, and shockingly, it is Frank.
So that is it for this season? What are your thoughts? Are you happy that Ian won? Was it a mistake for Dan to throw that last HOH comp (if he indeed did)? More importantly, what did you think of this season as a whole? Let us know everything you think about tonight's show, and the entire year!