Call it the holiday blues. Call it laziness. Call it what you like, but I decided against my usual 10,000 word recap tonight. I knew the format of tonight's show would match every other endurance Sunday episode, and the appearance of Grodner's human dildo, Jessie, was not reason enough to sit through and transcribe. Plus, I've had visions all day of a beautiful woman partying in New Orleans, wearing little more than a sexy tank top.
I did watch, though, and had some fun tweeting my usual absurdist silliness. I hearby treat you to some of my reactions from this long, long hour.
7:57 Instead of All-Stars, they should have an ultimate losers season. Can you imagine an endurance where Joe & Kathy pin a tail on a donkey?
7:59 We could have a comp where Ian, Danielle, and Cowboy have to make the goofiest faces in the mirror.
8:00 After last night, though, we do know one contest where Joe would excel...but it would have to be on Showtime.
8:00 Maybe Joe, Ian, and Brendon could have a Skype self-pleasure contest! #AllStarLosersSeason
8:02 So the show starts tonight with dummy#1, dummy#2, and dummy#3....with a drunk, twitching idiot#4.
8:03 And a self-important, "Christian" douchebag.
8:04 Cue Dan screaming the instructions in the diary room any second now...
8:04 Oh Jenn, you have yet to make a big move and you have yet to be a "big target".
8:05 Wait, is this a loop? Joe and Jenn aren't down yet?
8:05 Ian's growing self-importance is the funniest thing about this season.
8:06 And there is the screaming. *WhereIsTheMuteButton?
8:07 Joe, not only are your four kids laughing at you but all of America is
8:07 I'm sorry, the Hula Hoop "punishment" was no punishment, and Joe loved every fucking second of the attention. #GuaranteedScreenTime
8:08 Good thing precious Danielle wasn't bruised by the "comet"
8:08 Oh look, there's goes the "big target" Jenn.
8:09 What we learned tonight - giant red penises are kryptonite to Brooklyn lesbians.
8:10 Dan, can you scream the obvious just a little bit louder? I missed it the first five times.
8:11 Shane sure loves hitting the penis comet.
8:11 So Danielle is completely made up for the comp, but is in the diary room showing every blemish. #DumbTwit
8:12 Dammit, CBS, why no Danielle puke footage??
8:12 Dan was up 42 minutes - I had predicted 45.
8:17 It amazes me that they stretch out these boring endurance comps to almost a full half hour of broadcast time.
8:22 So the new rule is that breaking alliances is ok if you "like" the new people more Interesting.
8:27 Oh look, the only two people who didn't think Frank was going up. #JoeAndFrankAreClueless
8:28 Now this "girlfriend" convo is by far Jenn's BEST MOMENT OF THE SEASON!!!! You go girl!!!
8:28 Hmmm, Danielle is actually all made up and busty for the Shane diary room convo???
8:28 Ian's HOH reveal. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
8:30 Danielle's only thought about Ian's HOH is "where are the Cheetos?"
8:31 So all the Dan fans saying that he didn't have a F2 deal with Frank, he himself has said it at least 3 times tonight.
8:32 Fuck the Quack Pack.
8:32 Poor Joe had to stop jerking off to do his dumb hula hoop shit.
8:33 You know when the season is over Danielle is going to be pissed they didn't show her in the hula hoop.
8:35 Ding Ding Ding Ian!!! He can't play HOH next week. Your idiot Quackers would have a better chance at winning HOH
8:40 Oh come on, like Mr. BB WIki would even consider NOT opening Pandora.
8:42 Even on the scale of Jessie appearances, this is easily the worst Pandora ever. zzzzzz
8:43 Who wants Jessie's dick more - Grodner, Danielle, or Shane???
8:44 This segment would have been better if chip-chomper Britney had still been there.
8:45 Yes, Dan, scream that same theme to us one more time. We may have forgotten since ten minutes ago.
8:46 Dan's "It's kind of your call", which means "here's what I am commanding you to do".
8:47 This season is such a disaster that I actually want that delusional twit Danielle to win.
8:54 Oh come on, Ian, this is not the "difficult decision" the scriptwriters want us to believe.
8:55 Danielle clearly remembered that this is guaranteed camera time, as her tits are busting out of that shirt.
8:56 Ian, quit lying. Jenn has NOT played a "remarkable social game" this season. She's been invisible!
8:56 Ugh..."quack quack". Shut it, Ian.
8:57 Oh Jenn, I now laugh at your diary room segments as much as I do Dan and Joe's.