Since we're just over two weeks away from the most important reality television vote of the year, it is probably time that I show the world where I stand. Various factions have been courting me for the last few weeks, hoping that I turn my attention to their side. I have leggy brunettes on one side loading up their twitter timeline with sultry poses. On the other, it is all glitter-enhanced breasts and lacey panties. Which side will I choose?
Neither, actually. I've given so much thought to who is the most deserving winner of Big Brother #14. I've looked at flashback footage of everybody left in the game. I have googled their pre-show lives and listened to their post-show aspirations. As I sit here on my couch this Labor Day Monday, though, nursing a whiskey-Coke and chainsmoking American Spirit menthols, a lightbulb just exploded above my head.
Excuse me while I change that bulb.
Ok, I'm back. There is only one real choice for a Big Brother winner that would fully encapsulate this season. This person represents not just the dreams of anybody who signs up to go on the show, but also the reality of what will come in the weeks, months, and years after they are crowned the victor. This person is also what the producers, cameramen, viewers, feedwatchers, bloggers, and podcasters deserve for sitting through this drivel for the last two months.
Clearly, the perfect choice to win this year's version of Big Brother just has to be a delusional, mutton-faced, wanna-be Southern belle by the name of Danielle Murphree. She combines a great sense of grandeur with a complete lack of self-awareness, but, to be honest, everybody left in the house is guilty of these mismatched character traits.
Take Frank. Please, take Frank. One of the great competition machines in recent seasons has zero capability in judging character or reading between the most heavily-spaced lines in history. Or look at Jenn...if you can find her. Her "big move" that "proved" she was a master competitor did nothing but make her look like a fool.
And then we have Ian. Oh, poor poor Ian, the human vibrator. If Ashley really did want to get off while in the house, she should have just laid on the hammock whenever Ian was in a shaky mood.
Everything these morons have done in the last few weeks is set us up for the inevitable Dan victory that Grodner has clearly desired since he was handed a few tens of thousands to return to the show, but Grodner doesn't deserve this satisfaction. No, it has to go to our little snack-chomping mirror-poser.
If you don't agree with me, just think of the possibilities after the season ended. Danielle believes that Big Brother is the kickstarter to fame. Instead of Honey Boo, Teen Mom, or Real Housewives on the covers of supermarket tabloids, our little Danielle truly believes she will be their next cover girl. Time after time, she has related fantasies of being recognized and hounded wherever she goes after the season ends. What a better cap to this season is to see each and every one of her dreams crushed within days, if not hours, of her victory?
Let's be honest here. We may love Big Brother, but it has yet to be the stepping stone to any kind of fame. Their biggest star, Dr. Will, is lucky to make a cameo on a Real Housewives episode or a TLC "documentary". Their second biggest star hosts an internet show that is only a quarter-step above what we do every Saturday night on the Big Brother Gossip Show. After that, you have a serial tweeter, a Playboy TV asslicker, and a few dozen people who could walk onto Julie Chen's set this week and be recognized by NOBODY.
This is Danielle's year, and from here on in I will do nothing but push for her triumphant victory. Are you with me? I can't hear you. ARE YOU WITH ME???