The day started just like every other day this week. Shit, shower, coffee, and dozens and dozens of godawful “X days until Big Brother” tweets. Please, my friends, don’t waste my bandwidth with this garbage.
Today, though, is a big day as we can finally see who is going amuse, arouse, and annoy us for the next 100 days. The annoyance factor is already in full throttle, as Julie Chen actually made a mistake in an interview and said the cast videos would be available at 9 am. When they weren’t up at that time, the bb15 hashtag went berserk. OMG OMG, what are we going to do? Wait until noon, pacific time, which is the part of the day that all other press releases stated it would happen.
Unfortunately for me, at that time I had other commitments that took me away from taking a peak at these folks. Now that it’s almost bedtime, I finally get a bit of time to make some initial impressions. I primarily used the interviews that are hosted at welovebigbrother.com, but I also viewed the CBS videos for as long as I could handle that moron Jeff and his terrible interview style.
Aaryn Gries, 22
Hometown: San Angelo, Texas
Current City: San Marcos, Texas
Picture a warm spring day in Texas. A frazzled Big Brother casting staffer is down to his last wits. He’s spent the last few weeks traveling from one minor city to another, making minor CBS affiliates happy by pretending to be auditioning potential housemates. Bad food, boring bars, terrible morning zoo radio hosts, and the worst of Middle America body shapes have him craving something...anything...even slightly appealing. A perfectly cooked Thai dinner, a live band, and a bit of slap and tickle with a fetching young lady is exactly what was needed.
With the dog and pony show over, it was now time to find the real Big Brother contestants. The kind that tickles Grodner’s nether regions. So this staffer has received the golden ticket - a college town in Texas. Even if he didn’t find somebody for the show, he’d be able to satisfy his urges by using his patented pickup line - “Wanna be on Big Brother?”
Surrounded by good ol’ Texas girls with legs up to here and breasts out to there, the staffer is successful the first two days. Nobody ever said a Texas girl was smart, after all, so the success rate of that line worked wonders. One of those nights, the bimbo even cooked him a meal.
To ensure his job security, though, he had to actually find a house guest, so on the third day he actually did his job. Like the first two days, he parked himself on a bench in the commons area and just waited.
It didn’t take long. Aaryn Gries, a 22 year-old psych major, at least on paper. Her real story is her modeling career. Fresh-faced but working a curvy booty, at first glance Aaryn looks similar to a non-chip chomping version of Jordan. Oh yes, Grodner will love her!
Yes, she fits all of the Big Brother bimbo stereotypes. She is open to finding “love” on Big Brother, and all she wants is a guy that makes her laugh. Sure she does. Ok, the need for giggling dies quickly, as she lusts for a “lumberjack’. A lumberjack with “inner beauty”, though.
But any love she finds has to be real, as she can’t lie or fake it. Trust me, I bet she has faked it a few times before. Particularly when auditioning for bikini modeling gigs.
For a psych major, though, she’s a terrible liar. She’s a “big” fan of the show, although she never saw it until this past December. This leads into a long story about how a bunch of episode were supposedly played in her living room. In December? That’s when she decided to “apply”, and has now seen almost half of the episode that has ever aired! Yeah, right.
The crazy thing is how the Big Brother Canada winner just happened to have the EXACT same gameplan that she plans to play. Wow, how is that possible? It really couldn’t be that she had NO gameplan until she heard this person’s winning formula! (By the way, she didn’t remember Jillian’s name, and certainly didn’t remember how Jillian won by a voting fluke.)
At this point, the interview lags. She babbles about how she is going to lie about her psych major, because obviously that would put her in jeopardy. This moves on to her pageant career, and grooming, and other insipid topics.
My overall impression - she’ll look good in a bikini laying out, but she stands a good chance at keeping up the Big Brother formula of being the model that goes out on the second eviction. At least our staffer goes home a most satisfied man.