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« Scott's Initial Impressions - David | Main | Scott's Initial Impressions - Andy »
Thursday
Jun202013

Scott's Initial Impressions - Candice

Candice Stewart, 29

Hometown: New Orleans, La. 

Current City: Houston, Texas 

Pediatric Speech Therapist 

Pageant girls are a breed that needs to just die off immediately. This may be shocking to anybody that knows me, but I don’t have any time for them. I don’t care that they don’t know how to fix education, or their lack of knowledge on maps. 

Nothing about them is attractive to me. I don’t like their hair, makeup, or the way they talk. They’re nothing but Stepford Wives in training, looking for that third generation car dealership owner, or that ambulance-chasing lawyer who lucks into a class action suit that buys that mansion on the hill.

With that intro, it’s clear that Candice is a pageant girl. In fact, she was Miss Louisiana in 2004, and competed in Miss USA. Or is it Miss America? Miss World? Where’s that bitch from the Atlanta Real Housewives to set me straight?

I will give her credit for revealing that she didn’t apply for Big Brother. They came to her. Let me guess. Was it that staffer that I mentioned a few entries ago that wet his whistle while at a Texas college? Miss Louisiana is living in Houston these days. My guess is that Grodner gave him a little call one night because she needed a new version of last year’s pageant queen. Remember her? The one that claimed to be runner-up Miss Arkansas? 

Nope, it wasn’t the same casting guy. She was sitting in a restaurant two years ago, and some woman came over and said she was in casting. Damn it, Grodner! What were you doing in Texas? You can’t use the same lines as your other staffers!

Candice does have the pageantry method of fake answers down to a science. When asked if she was a fan of the show, she says that it is “amazing” but admits she hasn’t seen every episode. My guess is she hasn’t seen a full week of episodes, outside of those they’re forced to sit through while in sequester. Her excuse is that she didn’t always have cable. Ok then.

She also desperately needs to get married. Like now. She will turn 30 in the house, you know (if she makes it to the end). “It don’t matter if it’s in the house, or at Wal-mart, or the Sizzler, or Christian Mingle, or my manager’s upscale strip club. God wants me to marry and have little pageant babies!”

Yep, she played the God card. “Faith” is her favorite word ever, and God will forgive her if she does bad things in the house because winning Big Brother is for the betterment of society. “It is a game, and He wants me to play it like poker. Lying is like bluffing, y’all.”

I’m not a third of my way through this, and she’s driving me crazy. She claims to not care about looks, as it is all about “inner beauty”. Sure it is. She also idolizes Jordan. Game over for me.

Here’s what will happen with this twit. Her voice, and the constant use of it, will drive EVERYBODY crazy. She goes early. The earlier the better.

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