The wait is finally over. Nine months since that little weasel Ian shocked the world by winning season 14, the fifteenth season is about to commence. We’ve sat through various rumors and carefully-released info concerning this new season, and we’re not entirely sure what is going to happen tonight. What is this “MVP” stuff? How is this third nominee setup going to work? Why is another Reilly on the show?
I’m starting this recap an hour early, writing a few words as I prepare for tonight’s show. I’ve got the Slingbox set up to grab screen caps. The first whiskey-coke has been consumed, and the second one is about to be mixed. Next to my drink, I have aspirin, Rolaids, and Xanax. I also have a garbage can to my side, ready for the vomit that will undoubtedly come up when Elissa first utters a word. I think I’m ready.
Before we get to the show, though, a couple of other points of interest and disclaimers. If you haven’t yet my profiles of each of this year’s contestants, you may want to check them out. I’m bound to go back to them just to see if my first impressions inside the house differ from what I’ve published and/or said on last Saturday’s Big Brother Gossip Show. It is next to impossible to get a clear picture of these folks, especially based on twenty minutes or so of video interviews.
I’m also not a fan of many of the Big Brother cliches, particularly on the first show of the season. You won’t see much coverage of the phony footage of house guests receiving their keys at work or home, nor will I say much about the rush into the house. And I really don’t give a shit about the house layout, or the new front of the house that was unveiled in a photo earlier today. I still would love to see CBS copy the UK’s Big Brother and make the first episode a real event. That would make too much sense, though.
The time is now here, and the anticipation is high! Hey wait, it’s starting with Julie Chen in the house! That’s new! After a bit of her babbling, we kick off with the handing of the keys to the new houseguests. Helen is first, and she is hysterical. Well, they all are a bit.
Oooh, the first shot of Aaryn is smoking! She also says she’s a dirty girl. I think I’m in love! Nick is next, and he babbles some more about the Spiderman garbage that he said in his interviews. Helen then talks about being a mom who works in politics. “Big Brother is no different.” Spencer is shown conducting trains to end that first group.
Then the nightmare begins. The surfer dude, David, gets his key (“no frickin’ way”), and there is that voice. The scream of the banshees. The voice that causes dogs to howl for miles away. Yes, Rachel is shown handing her sister, Elissa, her key. I can’t. I just can’t comment more.
David thinks he’s a stud, Elissa shows her yoga skills (with more Rachel garbage), Andy is shown teaching college, and my girl Kaitlin’s eyebrows show up. Sorry, Colette, she is still hot.
Another group of goofballs is then introduced, starting with pizza boy McCrae. He’s a self-professed clown, guys. Then it’s on to pageant director, GinaMarie, youth counselor Howard, and helium-voice Jessie. I’m actually not paying much attention to what these people are saying.
Finally, the last four include deck boy Jeremy, big breasted realtor Amanda (hi, Amanda’s ad), pageant girl Candice, and country boy J-U-DoubleD. Um, yeah.
We then see more reactions of all of them, including Elissa’s “vision board” of past winners (gross). Again, I’m not real interested here.
Suddenly, they’re all on the stage, and Julie is asking if they’re ready. Guess what their response is? She says this year will be harder than ever, and the usual stuff they say every season.
First into the house are Candice, GinaMarie, Judd, and Andy. They run in to the usual “OMG” and various screeches. Judd seems to attempt to grab GinaMarie, though. Good luck with that, and babbles something incomprehensible about her. GinaMarie runs into the shower to see if her boobs will show. They do.
A bad edit leads us to the next group, which consists of Elissa, Jeremy, Kaitlyn, and McCrae. Wash and rinse, as it is about the same as the first group. Jeremy ends up in the bathroom while looking for a bedroom. McCrae says that he’s completely overwhelmed, as he is so different from the rest of the house. “My social game is going to be crucial.”
Another bad edit shows Julie announcing that it is now time for Howard, Helen, Jesse, and Nick to go in. Howard is impressed by all of the ladies, particularly Elissa and GinaMarie, who jumps off a bed into his arms. “We like our muscles. Howard definitely has muscles.”
Of course, Elissa gets more airtime than anybody else, and she says she wants to create an all-girl alliance. All of the girls are shown in the bedroom listening to GinaMarie shriek, but Kaitlin says she generally doesn’t get along with girls. “The cattiness and drama is just around the corner.” Jessie, meanwhile, is not impressed with the other girls. “I still think I’m the prettiest girl.”
Finally, Aaryn, Amanda, David, and Spencer get to enter. Aaryn doesn’t want to sleep with a strange boy, but it’s a problem because all of the beds are taken. David’s quandry is whether to bunk with a girl or go “bro/bro”. Spencer, though can’t wait to start evicting.
Champagne is then served, and GinaMarie is the first to introduce herself...loudly. Candice is not impressed. Maybe my mind will change on her. Ugh,, Judd uses the “let’s get this party started line”. That would be enough for me to evict.
David has nothing to say except that he’s a lifeguard. Suddenly, Judd is happy because “people may not think I’m the dumbest guy in the house”. Jessie is impressed with Jeremy, though, because he apparently looks like a Twilight character. *shrugs* Amanda, on the other hand, is attracted to Nick.
Helen believes that saying she’s involved in politics will be a negative, so she’s hiding that. Kaitlin, though, loves Andy because she’s been looking for a gay-mance. When Kaitlin introduces herself, Jeremy says his heart started melting. “I felt little rainbows and doves flying out.” Howard gets up and preaches his faith, and McCrae says that if he was gay “I would tear him apart”. I think I like this kid. Spencer is next, and he’s already annoyed with GinaMarie’s constant mouth-flapping. The house doesn’t believe that McCrae is actually a pizza boy.
Hey, one of my predictions is coming true. When Aaryn stands up, David immediately says that she is the love of his life. “I could stare at her eyes for hours.” Elissa is last, but says nothing about being Rachel’s sister. Judd doesn’t pick up on the connection either, but says she “looks familiar. I kinda want to get to the bottom of it.”
After a commercial break, the guys are investigating the house. Howard, Jeremy, and Spencer talk about putting together an alliance. “God helps those who help themselves”, explains Howard. Spencer believes he’s scored, as both of these guys are bigger guys, and he has a great social game. I predict this alliance doesn’t last long.
Jeremy is now talking to David and Jessie, who wants to align with them and “make the best looking alliance in Big Brother history”. Um, no, that isn’t. She explains that girls always go after her, and Jeremy is oh so happy that “alliances are falling into my lap”. McCrae, though, breaks up the pretty people alliance, much to Jessie’s annoyance.
A bunch of people are now in the kitchen as Julie announces that it is time for everybody to gather in the living room. She announces the usual rules about HOH, and two nominees. But wait, EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED! We now get to find out about the third nominee, and the house is freaking out over this news. Howard says it’s putting grey hairs on his head, but Andy loves the idea! Oh wait, we don’t get to find out about how the third nominee works. Ugh, Julie ends the segment by quoting Rachel’s “floater” line. After various “OMG” quotes, we head to commercials.
When we return, it’s time for the first HOH competition of the summer. It’s called “Popsicle Factory”, and everybody has to climb on a popsicle that is lifted off the ground. The last one standing is the winner. Hmmm, reminds me of a competition that Rachel won a few years before. In case you don’t remember that, we get some Rachel quotes from Elissa.
The comp commences, and Judd is the first one off after only five minutes. He didn’t want to win anyway, he says. Howard is next at seven minutes, and he also claims to have thrown it. Candice is next, and right after that a giant tongue is turned on to make the game harder. GinaMarie is the one to make the obvious double entendres, and she does.
Jessie starts humping her popsicle, which turns on Jeremy. Meanwhile, various people are talking about how Elissa looks like Rachel. Judd says he’s going to keep that knowledge quiet for awhile.
Amanda is the next to fall, followed by Spencer. Now “flavoring” is added to the mix, but David is not happy that his hair is being messed up. Helen, Jessie, Elissa and GinaMarie then fall off, but Nick says he’s not going to drop. Andy is next, leaving six up. Kaitlin is next, making Aaryn the “last girl standing”. “You don’t mess with Texas”, she says as we head to a commercial.
So there is five left after the adverts, but Aaryn quickly falls. There are now females left, including Pizza Boy! Everybody is shocked, especially Nick.
Julie then comes on with an incentive for those remaining. There are two lunch pails, and one contains a “Never Not Pass”, which would make them never have to endure being a Have-Not all year. The other pail has nothing. The boys start discussing whether they should go for it, and David drops. Jeremy now thinks he can get “this dude to do whatever I want”. David picks a pail, and it’s empty! Bwahahahahahahahaha! “Total frickin’ bummer!”
Jeremy then jumps off just seconds after Howard professed to having to rely on him to win for both of them. “Way to have my back, bro.” Jeremy says he wanted to win, but to not have slop all year is definitely worth it. “It sounds too sweet to pass up.”
So it is between McCrae and Nick. Nick asks if he’s cool for the week, and McCrae says that he likes him. “I tell him whatever he wants to hear to make him drop.” They talk a bit more, and Nick likes the idea more and more. He then drops, making McCrae the first HOH!!! Good for the pizza boy!
Now it is finally time to find out about the third nominee. Julie pulls everybody into the living room, and she again explains how McCrae has to nominate two people. Julie then says that the third nomination will be made by somebody in the room. She then talks about the MVP vote, and that person will indeed get the third nomination pick. This person will be told they’re the MVP in secret, and never have to tell anybody that they had it. Ugh, that means Elissa will have some power after all.
Everybody is shocked, shocked, shocked, and Aaryn conveniently uses the Rachel “floater” line. Yes, we get it. It’s going to be a crazy summer. We get some promo material, and then the show is over.
So what did you think of tonight’s show? Were you happy or annoyed to see Rachel? Or to hear her quoted over and over? Is Jessie this year’s Danielle? Were you happily shocked to see McCrae win HOH? Who did you like or not like?