Somebody’s dream is about to be squashed tonight, and I couldn’t be happier. On the one hand you have Keith, failed star of dating shows whose plan of creating “Keith’s Girls” was extinguished moments after entering the house. On the other hand you have Porsche, whose reasoning for being on the show has nothing to do with prize money and all to do with this idiotic fantasy of having a film crew documenting her post-Big Brother life.
Truthfully, I could care less who heads home tonight, but it’s safe to say that we’ll NEVER hear from the evictee again. Keith will go back home and stammer out sermons in between chasing local girls with little self-esteem. Porsche’s future is destined to remain at that (non)-exclusive nightclub, where she’ll serve overpriced foo-foo drinks until a businessman twice her age makes her his second (or third) wife. What’s the future of the person who survives the evening? Look for them to be the first evictee after the Golden Key is turned in.
Before we get to that fantasy-extinguishing moment, we have to sit through a few minutes of filler, including a segment or two to make it look like either of them have a 50/50 shot of staying. After a overly-long intro and an intro by Julie, we get the expected reactions to Rachel’s decision to not use the veto. Nothing that’s said is worth repeating, except Porsche’s claim that she’s a strong competitor. Yeah, right.
Porsche and Keith have a conversation, and Keith is suddenly sweet-talking the twit. Porsche is having none of it, though. “You can tell Keith is lying when his lips are moving.” Oh snap! She lets him know that she’s prepared to handle anything that he tells the others.
We jump into the have/not room, and Dom says that he wants Porsche gone. Cassi wastes no time in agreeing, and Lawon says it also sounds cool to him. “They (vets) see Porsche as this weak twit”, Cassi says. In the diary room, Cassi admits that Keith has played a terrible game, but he’s a better choice to stay than Porsche.
The vets don’t agree, though. In the HOH, Rachel is saying that Keith has to go. They’ve finally realized that the numbers game doesn’t work for them, and Jeff thinks they need to go after Adam or Cassi’s vote. Working on that goal, the vets decide to socialize with the noobs. Oh God, I have to hear Rachel’s “Big Booty” bullshit again. For some reason, we also have to endure “Vegas Rachel” as she does some awful booty dancing, accompanied by a drum circle performed by the rest of the house.
Dominic is actually showing some smart, though, as he’s not buying the suddenly nice side that’s being shown by Rachel and the rest of the vets. “What are you trying to do? How are you trying to manipulate me, and what are you trying to get out of me?”
Ok, this segment goes on a bit too long, as Rachel starts calling Brendon “Bootie”. Brendon says that’s an affectionate name she has for him, but he doesn’t like the rest of the house knowing that. He calls her over, and after saying in the diary room that she’s no longer “a Vegas party girl”, he starts complaining to her for revealing that dumb name. Hell, it’s better than “Ashy Penis”. Ugh, he calls it “protecting Rachel”.
WTF? This is the most sanitized version of a fight I’ve ever seen, as the piano music jumps in as Rachel says “I love you” over and over. Finally, he starts whining, and it’s nothing like how it actually happened as they accentuate his “I love you” comments over his more hateful lines. He finally turns off the light to go to bed, saying he doesn’t care if she doesn’t sleep with him.
After a commercial break, we get part two of the romanticized version of Rachel fighting with Brendon. She complains about him being mean to her, and as always she apologizes over and over. He continues to whine, and finally snarkily says he accepts it. “You have a hot, beautiful fiancé who is in love with you…who is smart. Who calls you ‘bookie’. Is that the worst of your problems?” Wait, does Brendon have another fiancé. Hey CBS, tone down the acoustic guitars, and get rid of the anthemic crescendo when they make up. My God, this is the fucking worst segment in Big Brother history!
Back in love, Brendon decides to go to Shelly for a vote. Yeah, she’s an easy mark, saying its “awesome” to work with her beloved vets. Jeff says that he now has to go talk to Adam because he was a person Dick brought into the group. Jeff’s great idea is to have Adam name their alliance. Really? He comes up with nothing except “Adam’s Angels”. Ugh.
Now we’re back outside, and Cassi tells Shelly and Kalia that they have nothing to gain by booting Keith. Kalia doesn’t want to “rock the vote”, though, and Shelly is just confused because she’s playing both sides. She wants to know what she has to gain by keeping him, completely ignoring the numbers game. Cassi then moves on to Adam, who says he hasn’t promised his vote to anybody. In the diary room, Adam claims that this vote says whether you’re with the noobs or veterans. Um, Adam, you’re a noob. Think about it.
With another set of commercials down the drain, it’s time for Julie to ask dumb questions to the house. Oh wait, this could actually be good, as Julie has a message from Evel Dick. He says he’s alright, as is his girlfriend and family. He loves the game, and would have never left the house if there wasn’t an emergency. He apologizes to Daniele, saying they “get along the best when we’re on Big Brother playing together”. She doesn’t seem to be too interested, though. He then tells the rest of the house that he will be watching, and wants good gameplay, strategy, and fights. He ends with saying he misses most of them.
Julie then goes to Daniele and asks if she has something to say to him, and she has really little to say except that it is tougher since it is more than just gameplay. Julie presses for her to say “I love you”, but that’s too “awkward” for Daniele. Hmmm.
We then get to see clips of the have/have not competition, including Keith dry-humping the other boys. Yes, that’s actually pretty funny. Dominic is asked if it was worth it to have Keith on top of him. His answer is yes. Adam is then asked what it’s like to play with the vets, and once again his answer is not worth repeating.
Keith then gets to plead his case, and he starts by saying that Porsche “rocks”. Wait, what? He then adds the three things that are needed to make it through the house – have fun, never take things personally, and remember that it’s only a game. Porsche says thanks to everybody, and not much else.
It’s now time for the voting. Dominic is first, and votes to evict Porsche. Brendon votes to evict Keith, as does Jordan. Cassi, however, votes to evict Porsche. It’s tied as we go to commercials.
Lawon is the first to vote when we return, and his vote is against Porsche. It’s Jeff’s turn, and yes, he votes to evict Keith, as does Daniele (after saying she does love her father). Adam then comes in, and his vote is against Porsche. Kalia’s vote is against Keith, as does Shelly. Yes, this went as expected.
Julie announces that Keith has been evicted, and he’s all smiles as he hugs everybody. After watching the house mill around for a few seconds, Julie then begins by asking how shocked he was at being evicted. “Very shocked”, he replies. He does say that he would have done a few things different, and Julie adds that he wasn’t very smart in throwing the POV while on the block. She then asks what went wrong with his choice of Porsche as a partner. He does make sense here, though, saying that she broke their plan on all the noobs sticking together. Keith also says that the game is harder than he expected, and continues on with saying that falling for Porsche, who is hot, would have messed up his game even worse.
It’s time for the goodbye messages, and Cassi says he acted like he was on the “Dating Game”. Lawon says he acted like a “fool…BOOM!” Ugh, Rachel claims he underestimated “the power of Hurricane Brenchel. We flipped the script on you, and used all of your noobies against you!” Porsche ends the segment by whining about playing her, and points to her “you can look but you can’t touch” shirt. She really is a mini-Rachel.
With Keith gone, we can move on to the HOH competition. Those of us who watched the feeds the last couple of days have seen them practicing their golf game, and that’s exactly what they’re playing tonight. They have to hit their ball around a sand trap, with the winner the closest to a “hole in one”.
Rachel was allowed to choose the play order, and Dom’s the first shot. He hits a six, and Adam’s lands in the eight. Cassi’s shot goes too far, and ends up in the water…as does Shelly. Lawon goes nuts with force on his short, and also ends up in the water. Kalia ties Dominic by hitting a six, but Jordan takes the lead by hitting a three. Jeff doesn’t even try, and goes right into the water (reminiscent of throwing a comp for Jordan during his season?). Brendon also fucks up on purpose, making Jordan the HOH! Great job, noobs.
With a couple of minutes left in the show, Julie attempts to coax a Jordan-ism out of her. She delivers, thanking Jeff and Brendon for “letting me win…it’s a repeat from our season”. Porsche is asked how she feels about having the golden key, and her response is that it feels great. Julie then asks a supposed question from the viewers, and it’s to Shelly about missing her kid. I guess she has a stuffed puppy that reminds her of the family. “They’re the love of my life.” Adam is then asked who his favorite 90210 cast member is, and he does a metal roar as he screams “Donna Martin graduates!” Um, sure.
And the show is over. What did you think? Are you excited for Jordan’s HOH win? Are you going to be sick of the entire vet team? I know I am. Leave some comments on this week’s show.