If you ever see April on the feeds or Showtime, there's no reason not to mute. Just refer back to this post, as this is EVERY conversation that she has with Ollie (outside of demanding where Ollie deposits some bodily fluids):
April: OMG, can you believe Keesha is such a bitch?
April: I've been nothing but sweet to that bitch. I don't deserve to be treated this way.
Ollie: I know, April.
April: She's friends with Memphis just to piss me off. He shouldn't be here. He already won a three million dollar car.
April: I'm tired of being stabbed in the back by everybody. I swear I'm the most caring person in this house.
Ollie: You are, April.
April: I bet Keesha has never had to work a day in her pathetic life. You know I work at least an hour a day, and it's sooooooo hard.
April: I've never said anything bad about anybody in this house, especially that stupid bitch and those other pathetic morons.
Ollie: I know, April.
April: Even Jerry. Yesterday, I saw him say hi to her. Talk about a slap to my face.
April: Even you, Ollie. I see the way you look at her when her fat ass is hanging out of her bikini. God, it's just pathetic the way she struts her body around here. At least I wear classy heels.
Ollie: I'm sorry, baby.
April: And why the fuck were you flirting with that cow Janelle? Sometimes you disgust me.
Ollie: It's not my fault she was talking to me. I'm sorry.
April: And then Libra wasn't even thankful that I made her a birthday cake. She knows I hate her, but I'm so wonderful that I set that aside and tried to give her a special treat.
Ollie: You did, April.
April: I've had it harder in this house than anybody. It's so hard to save everybody every single week, and then they treat me like that?
Ollie: They're just jealous of you, April.
April: America knows how wonderful I am. They know that I'm a beautiful, caring person who puts everybody's happiness before my own. Do you think CBS will air our wedding?
Ollie: Mmm-hmmm...wait a second!
April: Can you imagine how perfect it will be?
Ollie: What did you just say?
April: Are you ready for bed?
Ollie: Yeah, let's go.
Earlier tonight, Dan spent an hour chatting with Libra about various topics, including the Bible and her life. It was completely innocent, and later Dan explained that he was just trying to cheer her up and that Keesha still has his vote.
Michelle, of course, has it all figured out. Dan and Libra have been put in the house as America's Players, and have worked together since the beginning. She thinks they may even teach at the same school (despite the fact he lives in Michigan and she lives in New Orleans), and that their game plan has been to rarely acknoledge each other. Keesha, obviously, can be convinced of anything, but I'm shocked that Renny is falling for this garbage.
Here we go with what promises to be a painful episode. Yeah, we’ll have the satisfaction of once again seeing the stunned looks when Jessie’s name is announced for eviction, along with the food competition involving past cast members. For every satisfying minute, though, we’re going to have five that feature Michelle’s awful accent and self-importance, or Jerry’s growing arrogance.
I don’t think it’s any secret that we begin with the eviction of Jessie. Michelle says she was seeing red. No, idiot, that’s your unitard. “I was enraged. I was furious. I was angry.” Um, those are all the same thing. She starts bawling about how much she misses him.
Jessie is shown whispering to Michelle to “stay with Memphis” right before he walked out. He says a similar thing to Memphis about Michelle. Silly Keesha is “so excited” because “it worked”. She’s proud of herself because for the first time in her life she actually orchestrated something.
April, of course, was “in shock”, and claims she “literally vomited in my mouth”. Something tells me by looking at your emaciated face that you may have a history of having that problem. “I felt like it was a low blow to me, and Jessie got caught in the middle”.
Dan knows he’s in trouble, especially when “everybody looked at me” after the vote was announced. “No matter what I did, or what America did, somebody was going to be mad at me.” We see Dan tell Jessie that he’s sorry, and Jessie replies “it’s your word” as he walks out the door.
As Jessie’s name goes to black and white, Jerry is staring intensely while Libra lets out a chuckle. “I was smiling from ear to ear. Put me in a Bright White commercial, honey, because I was glad to see him hit the road.” She then goes through a litany of dumb clichés. Just shut up.
Jerry is now openly staring at Dan, who comments on the amount of tension in the kitchen. “I just tried to look at the floor and not make eye contact.” Jerry continues to stare as we hear him say that “Dan has disrespected me by breaking his word and hiding behind his cross. I now have no respect for Dan at all.”
Michelle chases down April in the bathroom and demands to know what happened. Michelle, I have some advice for you – high heels do not go well with that awful unitard, even if you think it makes your ass look great. Michelle tells April that “Dan can go to hell”, and once again we hear the lie that April “saved their asses last week”. Yes, it’s always about you, little girl. Ollie walks in, and nothing of importance is said, as usual.
Back in the kitchen, Libra quietly tells Memphis that “we need you”. Michelle is still wandering around the house, and promises to get them back for Jessie. That’s one of a handful of lines we’ve been hearing over and over the past four days.
Finally, we move on to Michelle’s surprising HOH win. Immediately, Jerry, who just hours before hated anything to do with Michelle’s “side”, hugs her and screams “screw you people”. Walking by Dan, he yells some more about not “hiding behind your cross”.
Yes, Michelle, we know it’s for Jessie. She yells it in the diary room; she yells it to the outdoor camera. She’s so happy for herself that she sat through all of the wakeup messages the night before. “I’m flipping this house upside down.” Are ya?
We move on to yet another cliché, as April says “karma is a bitch”. Ugh, can they be given a list of phrases they can’t say? “Are they scared of Michelle and I? I’d be scared of us, too.” Wait, Michelle and I?
And we hear some more thoughts and prayers to Jessie, as Dan sits with a glum look. “I tried to uphold my word, but I put myself in a situation where I had to break my word with somebody. That’s my own fault. However, I never swore on my cross, and I never swore on my religion.”
Tell Jerry that, as he again goes after Dan and his religious beliefs. Just as Jerry didn’t wear his military stuff when he put up Brian for eviction, Dan took off his cross just before the CBS show. I really do hate meaningless gestures.
Michelle is again storming around, now calling people traitors. Libra and Keesha joke around a bit, but they know they’re in trouble. I do laugh, though, when Keesha talks about how she “sent Jessie packing back to his REAL girlfriend”. Are you so sure he has one?
This is becoming tiring, but now Michelle is stomping around proclaiming how she’s “never gone back on her word in this house”. Well, you really haven’t had an opportunity, as your friends have been evicted every week. She jumps on the anti-religion bandwagon, flipping off Dan and complaining about his cross. Dan says he knew people were going to be upset, but “I didn’t anticipate people would be this upset”. He disappears into the bedroom, and coves himself with a pillow. “I need to start drawing out some sympathy.” Yeah, that’s going to help.
Michelle now sets her sights on Renny, who was supposedly laughing at her. Standing a few feet away, Renny asks when this happened, and it turns out that she had teased her earlier in the day about staying up throughout the entire wake up call fiasco. “It wasn’t in a derogatory way”, she replies. When Michelle replies, Renny blows up and tells her to not “say that shit to me”. Good for you, Renny.
Libra and Keesha walk in as Michelle is yelling at everybody to not hide from her. “I am not afraid of you”, says Keesha. Oh really? April joins in with Michelle, which leads Libra to yell, “oh, now y’all best friends”. Good one. This gets April fired up (as you may expect), and Michelle screams “you’re a liar” as Libra walks away. Jerry just has to get involved, and starts yelling that she’s “going home!”
Just when it looks like it’s over, April screams that Libra swore on her children. “I did not swear on my children!” “Yes, you did!” “No, I didn’t!” “Yes, you did!” “Tastes great!” “Less filling!” As this goes on, Dan stirs and I almost see a smile on his face.
Jerry still has to add his two cents, and really pisses Libra off by calling her a dummy. When Libra responds, Jerry for some ungodly reason does some weird sort of hand movements. Having gone five seconds without screaming, Michelle has to add some more to the fight, but it’s really not worth recapping.
Finally, somebody notices that Dan’s not around, so Michelle jumps up to go confront. “Put down that Bible”, and put down that cross. I don’t even think he’s a school teacher. Jerry adds that “he needs to be praying”.
Memphis has been sitting around watching the festivities, and he says that “it’s a little much”. In the diary room, he adds that “it just blows my mind that anybody would stoop to the level of saying anything about somebody’s religion. Where I come from, people get punched in the mouth.”
Thank God for commercials. I never thought I’d say that. When we get back, it’s time for Michelle’s confrontation with Dan. Memphis comes in the room beforehand, and Dan tells him his plan to try to create some sympathy. Dan says that he’s hoping that Memphis can “get to Michelle’s ear” (how can he with all that awful hair?) and sway her to not put him up. Memphis says his plan for the week is to just sit back and watch everybody else blow up.
Oh, we still have to wait for Michelle to babble to Dan. Now she’s sitting with Memphis, who is promising that he doesn’t have something going with “those people”. “I didn’t promise them anything. The only thing I promised them was if I won HOH they wouldn’t go up.” At the end of their talk, he whispers to her that he’ll “always have your back”.
Finally, it’s the moment I thought would happen ten minutes ago. She walks in and immediately asks if he’s really a school teacher. What/ Ugh. Then we get the interrogation. “Why’d you do it? Why? Why?” She goes on and on with the same question, and Dan really offers no answer (although I love his smile for the cameras after she walked out). The producers did a fantastic job of editing this segment down, and I bow to them for that.
Libra is now in the kitchen doing what she does best (her nails), and asks Michelle if she still wants her to come up to see her pictures. “It’s a game. I’d like for you to see where I come from.” Oh yeah, I bet Libra is just dying to see that mess you call a family.
Of course, that means we get to my least favorite segment of the week – the entrance to the HOH. It’s funny how April is suddenly so interested in all things Michelle; even calling her brother “good looking”. Yeah, I believe that you think that. Memphis notices how fake she’s acting, and makes fun of her in the diary room. “Shut up! I can’t stand the fakeness.”
Oh god, it gets worse, as she reads her letter from home. Libra has her live TV fake smile, but it’s Renny who is truly touched by what she hears. She gets up, and leaves the room crying. She explains in the diary room that she became emotional while thinking of her own family. Dan comes in to console her, and tells her that “her family is proud of you”. Keesha is next, and basically says the same thing.
Jerry and April, the house’s premier ass kissers, are now in the HOH asking what Dan said to her. You can guess what Michelle says in response. Jerry says he won’t ever talk to him again, which I’m sure will really bother him. Oh, Ollie’s up there too. It’s funny how he can be in a room and not be noticed. Jerry continues to go on and on about how his religion is phony.
April gets fired up when Jerry mentions Libra, and we again rehash the issue about swearing on her children. They all agree that Libra is the person that needs to go this week. As we go to commercials, we get a quick shot of Libra lying down with one of her patented ugly expressions.
Now that we’re back, it’s time for the heavily promoted food competition against former houseguests. Unfortunately, the former competitors are not present. Everybody is excited when they discover they’re competing against these people, and scream when they see Brian on the TV screen.
The contest involves “real world” questions, where they have to give true/false answers to whether a news story is real or not. Unfortunately, it’s not the houseguests I want to see return. I mean, really, who cares about Chicken George, Bunky, or a heavily-perspiring Mike Boogie? Ewww, Amy’s not looking great these days, nor is Jun. At least Janelle still looks good (as does Jen), and I laugh when April gives Ollie a dirt look for noticing her.
So this game is (as usual) sort of convoluted. A fact is read off (which represents one day of food), and then the returning houseguest babbles about this fact to try to get their opponent to make the wrong guess. Keesha looks confused.
Dan goes first, and he chooses to go against Boogie. The “fact” revolves around Favre’s return to football, and being with the Jets. Boogie recites the actual facts, and Dan says it’s false. Obviously, he’s wrong, but to be fair, who would have ever guessed that to be the case? The entire house is shocked by this story. I’m more shocked by Boogie’s sweating problem.
Renny now goes against Jen, and the topic involves gas prices. Jen claims that Renny’s her favorite, and then babbles nothing to convince Renny anything. Renny is correct, as you may expect, so they get food on Tuesday.
Dirty old man Jerry is next, and of course he picks Janelle, and screams that he loves her. Janelle yells back that he’s hot. Oh boy. Their question involves Jessie, and whether he was offered the cover of some fitness magazine. Michelle immediately wakes up, but is surprised when Janelle says “he’s not even that cute”. Dumb Jerry believes the story to be true, which obviously is not the case. Dan complains “it’s been like only eight hours”. Yes, Dan, Jerry really is that stupid.
The next contest is for a grill, and Memphis chooses to go against Amy. This topic is whether China has banned bald and smelly cab drivers during the Olympis, and Amy talks nonstop for the full 30 seconds. What she said I have no idea, though. Memphis incorrectly says that it’s a false story. Wow, even I didn’t know that.
Ollie now goes against last season’s Matt, who says “I see you doing your thing”. “I’m just trying to be like you, player”. Yeah, we know what they’re talking about. Matt then flirts with Michelle, which I’m sure we’ll be hearing about for the rest of the season. Matt can’t resist a jab at Natalie, though, which makes me laugh.
Their topic is about whether China can control the rain, and Matt has some outlandish story about a laser that “shoots up to the satellites”. Ollie doesn’t buy it, saying that he “has the game with the ladies” but not with science. It’s too bad that Matt is actually correct.
It’s now Libra’s turn, and she chooses Bunky. Their question is whether Cheech and Chong have reunited. Do you think Libra has even heard of Cheech and Chong? Libra thinks Bunky is lying, and she also is wrong. Renny, the only person who has won so far, says she’d like to see their reunion tour.
Michelle gets to play for a bonus prize, which is a feast. She chooses to go against Jase, and for some reason makes a weird spaceship noise, which makes Matt crack up. Their question is about whether the earthquake is real or not. Michelle gets this once correct, so finally the conspiracy about this event is answered! Too bad they probably shouldn’t have won this prize, as everybody will see during Tuesday’s episode.
April is the next up, and obviously she has to go against Chicken George. Their question is whether Britney Spears has decided to make a country album, and dumb April doesn’t believe that George would lie to her. Um, the game is to convince you to make a wrong choice, you twit! Yes, she answers that it must be true.
Finaly, we get to Keesha, and she obviously has to go against Jun. This question involves a Paris Hilton political ad, and Jun makes up a story about how Paris screwed it up. Keesha says it’s not in the news, and is correct.
To recap, the house is on slop for five of the next seven days, and Brian concludes by saying “that’s what you get for voting me out”. Good one, and this time I mean it.
With the game over, we now go back to Michelle. Isn’t it always about Michelle? She’s now talking with Memphis about the nominations. Michelle says that she’s DECIDED that she’s “all by myself right now”. Hmmm, then why have you been bitching and crying all weekend about being alone? Ugh. Memphis again tells her that he’s not with “them”. Michelle is already thinking about the finals, and tells Memphis that he’s the one she wants to be up there with.
Memphis makes his plea for Dan, saying that he’s not in any alliance that he’s aware of, but Michelle’s not buying it since he voted with Keesha, Libra, and Renny. She also claims that she’s playing strategically, not personally. Um, sure you are.
Back downstairs, Renny is bitching about April. Memphis comes in, and they all talk about convincing Michelle to put her up. Renny goes upstairs to try to make that happen. Michelle babbles on about how she wishes she could share this win with Jessie, but Renny doesn’t look too interested. Renny asks why April even put him up. “Jessie had to bite the bullet for her. She’s the number one threat in my book.” Michelle says she “seems to be out of the loop on a lot of things. I’ve got a lot to think about.”
Yes, this episode is finally almost over. We see everybody sitting outside contemplating their futures, as Michelle struggles to figure out how the keys fit into the contraption. Why do they still have the HOH read that script about their duties as HOH? We know it by heart.
Memphis again says his strategy has been to lay low, Renny again states that she hopes to God that April is put up, and Dan worries that he’s going up but hopes that “the kid from Tennessee” has saved him. Libra knows she’s “Michelle’s biggest target by far” but claims “I’m ok with it”.
The keys are then pulled out, and I’m shocked that April’s came out first. Renny’s also a bit surprised, and clearly not happy. We go down the line, and Dan is the last key selected, with Keesha and Libra now on the block. Michelle gets up and babbles that it isn’t personal; it’s strategy. Really? How could that be? You can say that as many times as you want, but that doesn’t make it true.
Dan is happy that “my strategy is working exactly how I wanted it to work. Michelle thinks I’m weak.” Jerry still won’t let it slide with Dan, whining that he deserves “more” than just being put on the block. “He will always be known as Judas.” Keesha babbles the usual lines about giving it “everything she’s got” to stay in the house, and Libra says she was disappointed that Michelle’s speech “didn’t pack the punch I was looking for”.
With that, this long, delayed episode is finally over. See you Tuesday with the bitchfest of the year!