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Entries in CBS (112)

Friday
Jun212013

Helen Kim, 37

Hometown: Falls Church, Va.

Current City: Chicago, Ill.

Political Consultant

As soon as I clicked on Helen’s video I started thinking about the Netflix series, House of Cards. If you haven’t seen it, start watching it now! Or after Big Brother is finished, I guess. House of Cards is a political drama starring Kevin Spacey as a South Carolina Congressman, and the various behind the scenes wheeling and dealing of power.

Why did my thoughts roam to this show? Well, Helen works as a political consultant, and I can definitely see her wandering the halls of Congress in her power suit. Cut just above the knee, so a little leg can be shown but not enough to create gossip amongst the other staffers, Helen would fit right in on that show.

For some unknown reason, Helen isn’t going to reveal that she has such a sexy job. Beauty pageant consultants and lifeguards are just going to be too impressed by such a gig, and they’ll go after her right away. Um, no.

The political talk goes on a bit too long in this video. Well, it goes on way too long. I don’t give a shit about her views on the Republican party. It has nothing to do with Big Brother.

While I like her, she has some traits that are really annoying. She has a tendency to use 50 words when 5 will do the topic justice, and not only does she move her hands, her whole body writhes as she babbles.

She has two young children, and for some reason she thinks that being a mother will be an asset. That worked really well for Wah-mber, after all. Being a mother has somehow kept her from ever watching the live feeds in the past, though, which I guess is plausible.

She’s also playing for her Big Brother fanatic friend, who gave her a reference that helped her get on the show but died last week. This was a weird segment on the video, and I wonder if it is actually a Matt Hoffman type deal.

This is a smart woman, and if she can find somebody willing to work with her she could go a long way. She’s a bit older than the majority of the house (even at 37), though, so this may be a tough road for her. The key will be to downplay the mom and dead friend cards, and maybe ease up a bit on the motor mouth chatter. I’d like to see her go far, but I believe ultimately she’ll fail to meet sequester.

 

 

Friday
Jun212013

Scott's Initial Impressions - GinaMarie

GinaMarie Zimmerman, 32

Hometown: Brooklyn, N.Y.

Current City: Staten Island, N.Y.

Pageant Coordinator

How we handle stereotypes in this country is a bit confusing. Make a watermelon joke and you’re forced to go on an apology tour. Name a professional sports team after a derogatory term used against a culture that we massacred and you’re ok.

You almost need a handbook these days to know who or what is considered offensive. Immediately into this video, I quickly understood that ALL Italian stereotypes are cool to use. They’re funny and actually complimentary. Hell, add a bit of Long Island to the Italian clichés, and you have a laugh factory!

I had some high hopes for GinaMarie after seeing the half-naked modeling shots that have been floating around the web the last day or two. Unfortunately, there is a helluva lot of airbrushing going on in those shots.

Not that this woman is horrific looking. Not at all…and not that it matters. She’s relatively attractive, but I was hoping for this year’s version of JoJo. I wanted to get that bathtub meth lab going again, along with the whips, chains, and multi-use sex toys. Every house needs a dirty girl, and GinaMarie seemed to be the perfect candidate.

Too bad it’s not meant to be, and I should have figured that out when I read that her occupation is “pageant coordinator”. Gross. That means we’re going to hear a lot of really bad conversations between her and Candice about the “craziness” of beauty queen competitions. I hope most of those occur during Big Brother After Dark to help me fall asleep at night.

Like too many of these interviews, there is also too much focus on the “showmance” angle. Seriously, Jeff and Jordan are the worst thing to ever happen to Big Brother (for many reasons), simply because every contestant is now asked about whether they want to hook up in the house. Just stop it. Now.

As she rambled about how she hates certain kinds of girls, I began to zone out until one of the scariest noises in the world made me jump up in my chair. WTF was that high-pitched noise that comes close to that special frequency that only dogs can hear? That’s her laugh? Oh Lord.

GinaMarie may make it to jury, but just barely. Her belief that she’s smarter than she really is will eventually be what causes her demise. 

Friday
Jun212013

Scott's Initial Impressions - David

David Girton, 25

Hometown: San Diego, Calif.

Current City: San Diego, Calif.

Lifeguard

Before he became an undistinguished Congressman, Al Franken published a political comedy book called Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them. Why do I mention this right now? Simply because 30 seconds into this craptacular interview, it’s the only thing on my mind.

David is a liar. A douchebag. Every thing about him screams big fibber. Even that messy hair is a lie. You just know he spends a good thirty minutes in the bathroom fixing those curly locks to have that wind-swept look.

He claims that he and his mom have been watching Big Brother together for at least nine years. At least he’s man enough to admit that he still lives in his mommy’s basement. There’s no doubt that this is true, although I bet when he brings the babes home she either has to hide or claim she’s his roommate. Or sister. Or kissin’ cousin.

The moron can’t talk without moving his hand either. Like a similar Italian cretin from an earlier season, it’s clearly from chronic masturbation. It’s a distraction the way that hand rhythmically rises and falls in line with the cadence of his “hey bro” conversation. Dude, even a bit of pocket pool would be classier.

This bro thinks he’s a groundbreaker, and the reason his “application” was fast-tracked is because they’ve never had a surfer dude from San Diego before. Hey Ian, make sure you add this to the Wikipedia page. It’s a very special first for Big Brother!

At least he’s honest about his superficiality. He comes right out and says he’s an “attraction guy”. Of course. This special catch would never end up with a pig. But she has to be able to cook, and he just knows America wants him to find that special lady in the house.

This is about all I can deal with him, especially after he was “goaded” into showing his abs. Here’s what is going to happen with him. He is alpha enough that he will last quite a long time. Way too long for my taste.

For feed watchers, though, he may create some fun drama. I predict a love triangle of sorts. Amanda is going to lust for him, but she’s too old, has the wrong hair color, and smokes. That’s three strikes against her. He’s actually going to want Aaryn because she’s thin, blonde, dumb, and an easy pushover. This will cause Amanda to absolutely hate Aaryn! I can’t wait!

Thursday
Jun202013

Scott's Initial Impressions - Candice

Candice Stewart, 29

Hometown: New Orleans, La. 

Current City: Houston, Texas 

Pediatric Speech Therapist 

Pageant girls are a breed that needs to just die off immediately. This may be shocking to anybody that knows me, but I don’t have any time for them. I don’t care that they don’t know how to fix education, or their lack of knowledge on maps. 

Nothing about them is attractive to me. I don’t like their hair, makeup, or the way they talk. They’re nothing but Stepford Wives in training, looking for that third generation car dealership owner, or that ambulance-chasing lawyer who lucks into a class action suit that buys that mansion on the hill.

With that intro, it’s clear that Candice is a pageant girl. In fact, she was Miss Louisiana in 2004, and competed in Miss USA. Or is it Miss America? Miss World? Where’s that bitch from the Atlanta Real Housewives to set me straight?

I will give her credit for revealing that she didn’t apply for Big Brother. They came to her. Let me guess. Was it that staffer that I mentioned a few entries ago that wet his whistle while at a Texas college? Miss Louisiana is living in Houston these days. My guess is that Grodner gave him a little call one night because she needed a new version of last year’s pageant queen. Remember her? The one that claimed to be runner-up Miss Arkansas? 

Nope, it wasn’t the same casting guy. She was sitting in a restaurant two years ago, and some woman came over and said she was in casting. Damn it, Grodner! What were you doing in Texas? You can’t use the same lines as your other staffers!

Candice does have the pageantry method of fake answers down to a science. When asked if she was a fan of the show, she says that it is “amazing” but admits she hasn’t seen every episode. My guess is she hasn’t seen a full week of episodes, outside of those they’re forced to sit through while in sequester. Her excuse is that she didn’t always have cable. Ok then.

She also desperately needs to get married. Like now. She will turn 30 in the house, you know (if she makes it to the end). “It don’t matter if it’s in the house, or at Wal-mart, or the Sizzler, or Christian Mingle, or my manager’s upscale strip club. God wants me to marry and have little pageant babies!”

Yep, she played the God card. “Faith” is her favorite word ever, and God will forgive her if she does bad things in the house because winning Big Brother is for the betterment of society. “It is a game, and He wants me to play it like poker. Lying is like bluffing, y’all.”

I’m not a third of my way through this, and she’s driving me crazy. She claims to not care about looks, as it is all about “inner beauty”. Sure it is. She also idolizes Jordan. Game over for me.

Here’s what will happen with this twit. Her voice, and the constant use of it, will drive EVERYBODY crazy. She goes early. The earlier the better.