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Tuesday
Jul022013

Big Brother Season 15, Episode 3 Recap

A word of warning before we begin. There’s a great chance that this recap is going to be a bit angrier than usual. There will probably even be a cuss word or two. It may even be cut off before the show is over.

Why, you ask? Because tonight looks to be a nightmare come true for me. One person is going to dominate the proceedings. A person who shouldn’t be in the house, in my opinion. A person whose voice is harder to understand than J-U-Double-D.

I’m sure you know exactly who I’m talking about, and there’s no way that the majority of TV time isn’t devoted to her. At the very least, there will be segments about how the house doesn’t like her, her (not very) shocking MVP win, her participation in the veto competition, and the final veto meeting. That’s not even including the inevitable cameo by her supposedly “legendary” family member.

So here we go, starting off with another endless recap of what we’ve seen already this year. Once finished, the show predictably provides diary room comments concerning the nominations of Candice and Jessie. You know the drill. The nominees are pissed, the HOH is happy, and most of the rest of the house is relieved it’s not them. Ok, it is funny when Candice says she’s not going to cry, and is then shown crying in the diary room.

Elissa is talking to Amanda, and is happy with the nominations as she thought she’d be the first person evicted. Standing just a foot or two away is Candice, who gives her the stink eye. In the diary room she says that she thought she’d be put up because she was Rachel’s sister. “i’m back in this game, and I’m going to win this season of Big Brother.”

In the storage room, Nick and Jeremy celebrate the success of The Moving Company. Nick really doesn’t care who is going home as long as it is not one of them.

Jessie is now in the HOH, and she is freaking out. McCrae tells her to cool out, and assures Jessie that she’s just a pawn. McCrae admits in the diary room that he doesn’t really care if she goes home or not. Candice joins the gathering, and immediately starts laying in to McCrae. “I guess I should have been your fucking shadow or something.” Jessie leaves, and McCrae says he “doesn’t do well with conflict”. He reminds her that there is a third nominee, but Candice is still pissed. She says that it is perceived that he is in an alliance with the other boys, but McCrae denies it. Of course, this means that Candice is definitely going to win veto. “Game on for everybody.” Where is this Candice on the feeds?

We move on to MVP talk. Jeremy is wondering who it may be, and Jessie actually has a coherent thought. She believes it will be Elissa, thanks to her sister. Jeremy doesn’t like this favoritism. Just in case you forgot about the Rachel/Elissa connection, we get yet ANOTHER montage of every house guest predicting that Elissa will win thanks to Rachel.

This comes to a head when a number of people are in the HOH with Elissa, and Jeremy and Amanda are talking about this very fact. Elissa is coy, though. “I think my sister’s fans are going to vote for me, because she has awesome fans.” She then says her sister is a supermodel, and claims to be related to Giselle Buncheon. Jeremy is confused, as he has no idea who Giselle is.

Now we get the MVP segment. A barefooted lass heads into the diary room, and sure enough it is Elissa. She opens an envelope that announces her victory, and is shocked. SHOCKED! “This is crazy!” She goes into full Rachel mode to thank America for her victory.

Elissa then heads into the HOH with McCrae, and she tells him that she has indeed won. “I am so flattered, and so excited.” She says in the diary room that she wants him to help her pick that third nominee, and McCrae couldn’t be happier. He immediately points to David, because he is such an awesome competitor!

Elissa isn’t so sure, though. She thinks Nick is a “bigger threat”. She then asks for a promise not to put her up, and McCrae says that he HAS to if somebody is to be replaced. This does not make Elissa happy. “Why would you do that? This changes everything.” He tries to reassure her that she would be safe, but Elissa’s frozen mouth almost moves into a frowning position.

After commercials, it is time for filler. At least it’s not Elissa filler. Well, it’s almost worse, as we have to endure the Aaryn/David relationship. David informs her that he lives with his mother, and only works during the summer. Aaryn can’t believe it, but he thinks that she thinks it’s cool. No, she doesn’t.

With that, we move on to the unveiling of the MVP nomination. Elissa has “secretly” chosen...drum roll please...David. Aaryn is pissed! Even more pissed than David, who thinks he is the “most likable guy in the house”. Elissa explains that she did it to possibly get McCrae to not put her up as a replacement nominee.

It’s now time to choose the veto players. In a change from last year, David has to pick both of the other players. He pulls out Howard and Elissa’s names. Candice says she has to “bring her Candy Land A-Game if I want to win this veto”.

WIth the meeting adjourned, David and Aaryn head into the bedroom for some dry humping. That’s the way to cheer up a surfer. David, though, is still confused and betrayed. “I feel like the whole house is against me.” He thinks the entire house wants him gone, but everybody else that comes into the bedroom are just as confused.

Poor Aaryn is upset, though, that David would actually think any negative thoughts about her. “I’m all about helping him out. I care about him way more than the game.” She hides away in the photo booth area to cry until David comes along to apologize.

Oh, the little Aryan youth is pissed, and lays into him for making him cry in front of everybody. “It feels like betrayal.” David says that he’s “mind-boggled” that she’s pissed at him when it’s him that is on the block. “I didn’t realize it was that dramatic of a situation.” He asks her if they’re good, and she continues to bitch at him.

Elissa enters the bedroom where Jeremy and Jessie are sitting, and asks them who they believe won MVP. “You didn’t get it with all of your fans?” Jeremy complains that she had said that she’d win with all of her sister’s fans. “I never said that”, replies Elissa. In case you forgot, the clip from ten minutes earlier was played. Jeremy is pissed.

McCrae and Amanda are now in the HOH, and Amanda says that he can’t win the veto or he’ll look like “too much of a threat”. McCrae says he hopes he can trust her, and this pisses her off. He decides that the way to get her to trust him is to share a “juicy secret” with her, and informs Amanda that Elissa won MVP. She is not to share it with anybody. Amanda wants her to “come clean soon, or she’ll have a bigger target on her”.

Elissa then head into the HOH, and McCrae tells her that he just old Amanda the big secret. “You’re screwing me over! You hate me! I thought we were working together!” Downstairs, Amanda is recruiting people to “save” McCrae.

Jeremy wants to clear up the sister comments, and she claims she never said them. Elissa explains who Giselle is to Jeremy, who says that if he won MVP he’d tell her. For some reason, though, Elissa believes this is abusive behavior. Now Jeremy is a dope who in the house has shown some questionable traits, but he’s actually cool and calm here while Elissa goes into full Rachel mode.

It’s now veto competition time, and GinaMarie screeches something about some person from the American Baking Competition show hosting the event. I have no idea who this person is, or what show she’s is talking about. They head outside, and Howard is pleased he is going to see “honeys in honey”.

The competition is called the Big Brother Baking Competition. They have to crawl through the honey to the batter, where giant “blueberries” contain letters. Then those letters are to be used to spell a word. The longest word correctly spelled wins.

After the usual “I need to win” comments, the competition begins. I won’t bore you with the usual wacky comments from the competitors, and will just jump to the results. Howard correctly spelled “sailing”, but he doesn’t want to win. Jessie spelled “tumbled”, to tie Howard (who still is in the lead). Candice completely failed, spelling “rafts”. Amanda is not impressed. “Has nobody taken a third grade English class?”

David is even worse. He doesn’t have a word, which makes Andy laugh. Elissa then unveils her word, or should I say words, as she claims “potroasts” is a word. It’s obviously not. She’s “devastated”. It’s all up to McCrae, and he wins by default by spelling “delivery”. Even without trying, he has won veto. “This is like a huge pizza delivery with no tip.”

It’s time for some filler again, as Elissa and Helen talk about how hard it is to be on the show. At least Helen actually makes an appearance on tonight’s show. Helen says it’s “important for me to keep her spirits up”.

Back outside, Elissa ask to talk to McCrae, as she feels she has been betrayed by him. She attempts to talk him out of putting her up. It’s just not fair, as Jessie and Candice didn’t have a target on them like she has. Wait, have I heard this before? He says that he has to put her up, but that doesn’t mean she’s going home. McCrae admits to feeling guilty, but fourteen allies are better than one. “I can’t go against the wishes of the house.”

McCrae is now in the HOH, and Nick comes in to talk to him. He thinks the Moving Company shouldn’t use the veto at all to ensure “Blondie” goes home. Nick thinks that Elissa can be useful to them, and that David needs to go home. “He’s a mega threat.” McCrae, though, thinks he’ll be “target number one” if he doesn’t put her up, and says he doesn’t know what he’s going to do.

It’s now that time. Everybody fulfills their camera obligations. McCrae stares at the wall of keys, while the nominees and other cast members talk about how they don’t want to be on the block. McCrae finally calls them into the house, and announces that he is going to use the veto on Candice. She is then replaced by Elissa, and says it is because she “creates a lot of waves in here, and it would be better for the harmony of the house if you went home this week.”

You can guess the final comments. Candice is happy, Aaryn is not worried, and David is “not too thrilled”. Elissa gets the last word, and she is “really sad” to be on the block. “He betrayed my trust.” Oh wait, the real final word comes from McCrae, who says that Elissa is NOT the actual target.

There you have it. The Elissa Show, featuring fifteen other co-stars! What did you think of tonight’s episode? Are you starting to believe that Aryn is a controlling little twit? Or that David may be the dumbest person to ever appear on Big Brother? Comments please. Pretty please?

 

Sunday
Jun302013

Big Brother Season 15, Episode 2 Recap

Tonight is one of the few times when the Sunday night show is full of unseen material, as it will consist of nothing but pre-live feed material. Hopefully, a few questions will be answered. Why are people shunning Elissa (besides the reasons I would do this)? Why are the current nominees on the block? How did the various alliances get formed? Most importantly, how did Jeremy go from Jessie to Kaitlin? And why would either girl even want him?

The drink is mixed, the Tylenol has been swallowed, and the garbage pail is next to me...so it must be time to begin! After the reminder of everything that happened on Wednesday’s show, we kick off with yet another recap! Yes, things have not changed in the Big Brother production department.

This replay is about the new MVP twist. In case you forgot what was said, Nick has to explain it to us once again. Everybody is scared because of the secrecy. “It kind of changes everything. You have to be nice to everybody.” Aaryn thinks it’s “awesome” as she’s going to win it “more than once”.

Meanwhile, Jessie says this makes it hard for the HOH, because one of his nominees may not go home. “Now you have two targets on your back.” The current HOH, McCrae, agrees, and looks worried. “I could get a lot of blood on my hands and not get what I wanted.”

We move into the lounge area, and Jeremy and Judd are complaining that it will be nothing but girls that win MVP. Judd says that Kaitlin will win, and Jeremy’s reply is that “she’s got my MVP”. They run down all of the hot girls in the house, and even I can understand Judd for the first time. Jeremy says that since he’ll never know who is the MVP, “I’m going to have to have a snuggle session with each and every one of these beautiful ladies. You know what, I don’t think that will be too hard.” Good luck with that, bra.

We’re now in the bathroom with the young hotties (Kaitlin, Aaryn, Jessie), and Kaitlin says she didn’t want to win HOH. Nick interrupts for a second, and after he walks away Kaitlin and Jessie talk about how cute he is. “It’s like we have things in common”, says Jessie. I’ll refrain from commenting on that. Kaitlin tells her to “go for it”. The three decides to create some code words for the boys - Kenneth (David), Manhattan (Nick), and The Sailor (Jeremy). Wait, they change Nick to “Big”. “You like the Sailor”, says Jessie. Both Aaryn and Kaitlin give dirty looks to that claim. Kaitlin goes on to make fun of his voice. (Foreshadowing alert!)

Ugh, it’s the “who wants to see my HOH room” segment. I hate this shit. I don’t give a fuck, even when they start making fun of Rachel. God, that awful whiney voice of Elissa now gets a diary room segment. She decides to not let anybody know they’re related. Yeah, that will last long.

It’s time for some filler, as Jeremy and Nick play some hackysack. Nick questions Jeremy about his thoughts on the house, and Nick wants to bring in Howard and Spencer. Jeremy just says yes to everything, and he is excited because those two are already in an alliance with him. “I’m cool with that plan.”

Nick moves on to those two to invite them in, and they both agree. Nick wants to have a late-night chat with all of them so that they can bring McCrae into the fold. After showing some weird hippy dance from McCrae, Nick does come in to butter him up. McCrae wants to guess the list of this alliance, and he guesses correctly except for Spencer. McCrae agrees this is a good idea, saying “this is a good offer. An offer I shouldn’t refuse.”

Spencer, Jeremy and Howard then head up, and they go through all of their roles. Jeremy says he is “flabbergasted by all of the talent in this room.” Nick thinks this whole group will be final five, but thinks that David is their one big threat. McCrae thinks he should put up two girls, with the real plan to go after him. Howard says “if you put up the right two, they’ll kill each other anyway”. Nick says that getting rid of him will make it so that the only other physical threat is removed.

The meeting adjourns with the most important part of the conversation - the alliance name. I’m actually surprised they took this long. Remember when The Brigade came up with the name before they even created their team? Yeah, so this is called The Moving Company. McCrae says he “feels amazing” to be both HOH AND have a power alliance!

After commercials, it’s showmance time! David asks Aaryn to go sit in the hammock, saying that she is the perfect girl for him. She immediately starts talking about how in competitions, he has to save her. “I just like really need you to like work hard and make sure that I stay safe and I’ll never put you up.” They’re a power couple, yo! David says this is perfect, as he came into the house MORE for a showmance than the money anyway. “She’s way smarter than me, and I’m ready for some action.”

Jessie is clearly boy crazy, and complains to Amanda that she doesn’t know who she likes. Amanda suggest either Nick or Jeremy, and she does like both of them. Amanda asks if she gets any vibes from Nick, and Jessie says that they flirt. She wants Amanda to go ask him if she likes him, and Amanda complains it is like being at a Bieber show. She does a pretty good job at impersonating her, actually. Jessie’s main problem is that she doesn’t want to look stupid. Too late, baby. Amanda suggests that she just go sleep with McCrae instead. (For those watching the feeds, that’s an interesting comment.)

Oooh, it’s J-U-DOUBLE-D time! He is in the HOH with McCrae, and informs him that “I know for a fact that Elissa is Rachel Reilly’s sister”. McCrae actually didn’t know until that moment, and realizes that she really is a clone. Others are talking about the same thing. In fact, everybody is talking about it. David is completely perplexed, in fact. “Aaryn is one smart cookie.” Um, no. She’s not. Stop it. And please stop this segment. It’s gone on way way too long, even though it is funny that Amanda is embarrassed that she didn’t figure it out.

We return from another commercial break with the Have/Have Not competition. McCrae is dressed like a safari guide, and announces the rules for the game. It’s called Kooler and the Gang, and it’s a giant campground. Judd is happy because it’s “almost like home”. They have to race across the lake, grab a soda can, and place it on a platform held by the rest of the team. Another then runs in, and they have to form a pyramid with these cans.

After some comments about how they just can’t be a Have-not, the competition begins. I won’t bore you with a play-by-play, but the losers end up being Andy, Howard, Elissa, Judd, and Helen. The segment ends with the unveiling of the Have-Not room, a recreation of the inside of an airplane, and they all complain.

Now a handful are sitting outside, rehashing the Have-Not competition. They all make fun of Judd’s paddling, and then Amanda says she wants to “fucking vent”. Kaitlin immediately starts complaining about how Candice wouldn’t listen to any direction, and that she liked her until that night. Amanda doesn’t disagree. “She’s got to go”, says Kaitlin.

Amanda is sucking on a popsicle in the HOH when we return from more adverts, discussing with McCrae how tough it must be to the be the first HOH. Amanda says “everybody wants a slice of the pizza boy” (oh, how I could have fun with that line), and she wants to have a voice in the nominee selections. She goes on to tell him that nobody likes Jessie, and that it’s not smart to put up strong guys. “Jessie has a way better ass than me, and I’m a little jealous”, she says in the diary room. McCrae is confused. “Putting up weak players can definitely keep the target off of my back, but it could be a waste of my HOH.” Smart thinking, pizza boy.

A bit later, Elissa walks into the room. She apologizes for not knocking, and says in the diary room that she’s worried that the secret will be “coming out soon”. She decides to tell McCrae, and he tells her that she doesn’t want to act like Rachel did during her time. As a superfan, though, he claims to be excited. It’s exciting to have her around, but “if I don’t try to take her out, it could come back to haunt me.”

Now Jessie,  Aaryn, and David are in the HOH, asking what his plans are. McCrae says the idea is to come up with something that ensure his safety for the next week. Jessie says the safe move would be Elissa and Helen, with Elissa being the target. “She’s for sure 100% to be Rachel’s sister. And what if she’s not even here to play the actual game? What if she’s here for like as sabotage?” Hmmm, maybe David is right. Aaryn is smart, you guys! Poor McCrae is even more confused. “Bottom line is that I have to play this game for me!”

Before we get to the nominees, The Moving Company has a meeting. Well, Nick and McCrae do. Nick wants two girls up, or possibly David. Elissa’s name is also brought up once again.

Finally, we’re at the moment of truth. Will the nominee be surfer boy? Will it be the dim bulb booty chicks? Or will we get the thrill of our life and see that Reilly monster sweat it out as a nominee?

McCrae brings in the house, and the keys start coming out. The first key belongs to Nick, followed by Jeremy, David, Aaryn, Kaitlin, GinaMarie, Elissa, Helen, Amanda, Andy, Howard, Spencer, and Judd. Jessie and Candice are nominated!

McCrae gives generic bullshit reasons for his nominations, which pisses off Jessie. She says she’s going to win POV and come after him. Elissa is so relieved, as she was convinced she’d be put up every week “just like Rachel”. Candice says she’s “not ready to go home”, and cries as she wants to win. McCrae explains that he put up the two least favorite people in the house, and hopes that the MVP is the one to get blood on their hands.

So that’s it! We didn’t get all of our questions answered, but quite a few of them. What did you think of tonight’s episode? Does the nominations now make sense? Let me know your thoughts!

 

Wednesday
Jun262013

Big Brother Season 15, Episode 1 Recap

The wait is finally over. Nine months since that little weasel Ian shocked the world by winning season 14, the fifteenth season is about to commence. We’ve sat through various rumors and carefully-released info concerning this new season, and we’re not entirely sure what is going to happen tonight. What is this “MVP” stuff? How is this third nominee setup going to work? Why is another Reilly on the show?

I’m starting this recap an hour early, writing a few words as I prepare for tonight’s show. I’ve got the Slingbox set up to grab screen caps. The first whiskey-coke has been consumed, and the second one is about to be mixed. Next to my drink, I have aspirin, Rolaids, and Xanax. I also have a garbage can to my side, ready for the vomit that will undoubtedly come up when Elissa first utters a word. I think I’m ready.

Before we get to the show, though, a couple of other points of interest and disclaimers. If you haven’t yet my profiles of each of this year’s contestants, you may want to check them out. I’m bound to go back to them just to see if my first impressions inside the house differ from what I’ve published and/or said on last Saturday’s Big Brother Gossip Show. It is next to impossible to get a clear picture of these folks, especially based on twenty minutes or so of video interviews.

I’m also not a fan of many of the Big Brother cliches, particularly on the first show of the season. You won’t see much coverage of the phony footage of house guests receiving their keys at work or home, nor will I say much about the rush into the house. And I really don’t give a shit about the house layout, or the new front of the house that was unveiled in a photo earlier today. I still would love to see CBS copy the UK’s Big Brother and make the first episode a real event. That would make too much sense, though.

The time is now here, and the anticipation is high! Hey wait, it’s starting with  Julie Chen in the house! That’s new! After a bit of her babbling, we kick off with the handing of the keys to the new houseguests. Helen is first, and she is hysterical. Well, they all are a bit.

Oooh, the first shot of Aaryn is smoking! She also says she’s a dirty girl. I think I’m in love! Nick is next, and he babbles some more about the Spiderman garbage that he said in his interviews. Helen then talks about being a mom who works in politics. “Big Brother is no different.” Spencer is shown conducting trains to end that first group.

Then the nightmare begins. The surfer dude, David, gets his key (“no frickin’ way”), and there is that voice. The scream of the banshees. The voice that causes dogs to howl for miles away. Yes, Rachel is shown handing her sister, Elissa, her key. I can’t. I just can’t comment more.

David thinks he’s a stud, Elissa shows her yoga skills (with more Rachel garbage), Andy is shown teaching college, and my girl Kaitlin’s eyebrows show up. Sorry, Colette, she is still hot.

Another group of goofballs is then introduced, starting with pizza boy McCrae. He’s a self-professed clown, guys. Then it’s on to pageant director, GinaMarie, youth counselor Howard, and helium-voice Jessie. I’m actually not paying much attention to what these people are saying.

Finally, the last four include deck boy Jeremy, big breasted realtor Amanda (hi, Amanda’s ad), pageant girl Candice, and country boy J-U-DoubleD. Um, yeah.

We then see more reactions of all of them, including Elissa’s “vision board” of past winners (gross). Again, I’m not real interested here.

Suddenly, they’re all on the stage, and Julie is asking if they’re ready. Guess what their response is? She says this year will be harder than ever, and the usual stuff they say every season.

First into the house are Candice, GinaMarie, Judd, and Andy. They run in to the usual “OMG” and various screeches. Judd seems to attempt to grab GinaMarie, though. Good luck with that, and babbles something incomprehensible about her. GinaMarie runs into the shower to see if her boobs will show. They do.

A bad edit leads us to the next group, which consists of Elissa, Jeremy, Kaitlyn, and McCrae. Wash and rinse, as it is about the same as the first group. Jeremy ends up in the bathroom while looking for a bedroom. McCrae says that he’s completely overwhelmed, as he is so different from the rest of the house. “My social game is going to be crucial.”

Another bad edit shows Julie announcing that it is now time for Howard, Helen, Jesse, and Nick to go in. Howard is impressed by all of the ladies, particularly Elissa and GinaMarie, who jumps off a bed into his arms. “We like our muscles. Howard definitely has muscles.”

Of course, Elissa gets more airtime than anybody else, and she says she wants to create an all-girl alliance. All of the girls are shown in the bedroom listening to GinaMarie shriek, but Kaitlin says she generally doesn’t get along with girls. “The cattiness and drama is just around the corner.” Jessie, meanwhile, is not impressed with the other girls. “I still think I’m the prettiest girl.”

Finally, Aaryn, Amanda, David, and Spencer get to enter. Aaryn doesn’t want to sleep with a strange boy, but it’s a problem because all of the beds are taken. David’s quandry is whether to bunk with a girl or go “bro/bro”. Spencer, though can’t wait to start evicting.

Champagne is then served, and GinaMarie is the first to introduce herself...loudly. Candice is not impressed. Maybe my mind will change on her. Ugh,, Judd uses the “let’s get this party started line”. That would be enough for me to evict.

David has nothing to say except that he’s a lifeguard. Suddenly, Judd is happy because “people may not think I’m the dumbest guy in the house”. Jessie is impressed with Jeremy, though, because he apparently looks like a Twilight character. *shrugs* Amanda, on the other hand, is attracted to Nick.

Helen believes that saying she’s involved in politics will be a negative, so she’s hiding that. Kaitlin, though, loves Andy because she’s been looking for a gay-mance. When Kaitlin introduces herself, Jeremy says his heart started melting. “I felt little rainbows and doves flying out.” Howard gets up and preaches his faith, and McCrae says that if he was gay “I would tear him apart”. I think I like this kid. Spencer is next, and he’s already annoyed with GinaMarie’s constant mouth-flapping. The house doesn’t believe that McCrae is actually a pizza boy.

Hey, one of my predictions is coming true. When Aaryn stands up, David immediately says that she is the love of his life. “I could stare at her eyes for hours.” Elissa is last, but says nothing about being Rachel’s sister. Judd doesn’t pick up on the connection either, but says she “looks familiar. I kinda want to get to the bottom of it.”

After a commercial break, the guys are investigating the house. Howard, Jeremy, and Spencer talk about putting together an alliance. “God helps those who help themselves”, explains Howard. Spencer believes he’s scored, as both of these guys are bigger guys, and he has a great social game. I predict this alliance doesn’t last long.

Jeremy is now talking to David and Jessie, who wants to align with them and “make the best looking alliance in Big Brother history”. Um, no, that isn’t. She explains that girls always go after her, and Jeremy is oh so happy that “alliances are falling into my lap”. McCrae, though, breaks up the pretty people alliance, much to Jessie’s annoyance.

A bunch of people are now in the kitchen as Julie announces that it is time for everybody to gather in the living room. She announces the usual rules about HOH, and two nominees. But wait, EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED! We now get to find out about the third nominee, and the house is freaking out over this news. Howard says it’s putting grey hairs on his head, but Andy loves the idea! Oh wait, we don’t get to find out about how the third nominee works. Ugh, Julie ends the segment by quoting Rachel’s “floater” line. After various “OMG” quotes, we head to commercials.

When we return, it’s time for the first HOH competition of the summer. It’s called “Popsicle Factory”, and everybody has to climb on a popsicle that is lifted off the ground. The last one standing is the winner. Hmmm, reminds me of a competition that Rachel won a few years before. In case you don’t remember that, we get some Rachel quotes from Elissa.

The comp commences, and Judd is the first one off after only five minutes. He didn’t want to win anyway, he says. Howard is next at seven minutes, and he also claims to have thrown it. Candice is next, and right after that a giant tongue is turned on to make the game harder. GinaMarie is the one to make the obvious double entendres, and she does.

Jessie starts humping her popsicle, which turns on Jeremy. Meanwhile, various people are talking about how Elissa looks like Rachel. Judd says he’s going to keep that knowledge quiet for awhile.

Amanda is the next to fall, followed by Spencer. Now “flavoring” is added to the mix, but David is not happy that his hair is being messed up. Helen, Jessie, Elissa and GinaMarie then fall off, but Nick says he’s not going to drop. Andy is next, leaving six up. Kaitlin is next, making Aaryn the “last girl standing”. “You don’t mess with Texas”, she says as we head to a commercial.

So there is five left after the adverts, but Aaryn quickly falls. There are now females left, including Pizza Boy! Everybody is shocked, especially Nick.

Julie then comes on with an incentive for those remaining. There are two lunch pails, and one contains a “Never Not Pass”, which would make them never have to endure being a Have-Not all year. The other pail has nothing. The boys start discussing whether they should go for it, and David drops. Jeremy now thinks he can get “this dude to do whatever I want”. David picks a pail, and it’s empty! Bwahahahahahahahaha! “Total frickin’ bummer!”

Jeremy then jumps off just seconds after Howard professed to having to rely on him to win for both of them. “Way to have my back, bro.” Jeremy says he wanted to win, but to not have slop all year is definitely worth it. “It sounds too sweet to pass up.”

So it is between McCrae and Nick. Nick asks if he’s cool for the week, and McCrae says that he likes him. “I tell him whatever he wants to hear to make him drop.” They talk a bit more, and Nick likes the idea more and more. He then drops, making McCrae the first HOH!!! Good for the pizza boy!

Now it is finally time to find out about the third nominee. Julie pulls everybody into the living room, and she again explains how McCrae has to nominate two people. Julie then says that the third nomination will be made by somebody in the room. She then talks about the MVP vote, and that person will indeed get the third nomination pick. This person will be told they’re the MVP in secret, and never have to tell anybody that they had it. Ugh, that means Elissa will have some power after all.

Everybody is shocked, shocked, shocked, and Aaryn conveniently uses the Rachel “floater” line. Yes, we get it. It’s going to be a crazy summer. We get some promo material, and then the show is over.

So what did you think of tonight’s show? Were you happy or annoyed to see Rachel? Or to hear her quoted over and over? Is Jessie this year’s Danielle? Were you happily shocked to see McCrae win HOH? Who did you like or not like?

 

Wednesday
Sep192012

Big Brother #14 Finale Recap!

Before you begin reading this recap, I want you to jump on Spotify or Last.FM or whatever and pull up the song "Tonight's the Night". No, not the awful Rod Stewart song about his late-night activities with actress Britt Ekland. I'm talking about the mid-70's Neil Young dirge about his mates in Crazy Horse.

It's a much more fitting tune to represent this season. Ok, there were no deaths this year, unlike the guitarist and roadie that make Neil's song so emotional. But there was a funeral, and the season had a deathly glow to it.

Ok, enough of an attempt to open this in an arty way. I'm just not that good of a writer. Tonight we end this long, long season, and hopefully we'll see the answers to our big questions. Will Dan pull out his season-long goal to mentally shred the house? Will Danielle find a makeup combo that covers up her long-festering zits? Could Ian find the guts to flip the script and wipe that smug smile off Dan's face? Will Ashley find her brain? The list of questions goes on and on.

Before we begin, I'd like to thank everybody who has put up with my sarcasm and whining throughout the summer...along with those who took the time to listen to all of us babble about the show on The Big Brother Gossip Show. Despite my constant complaining, it has been a fun eight weeks, and I can't wait to do it again next summer.

After a long, long intro full of hyperbole (big fights? big romance?), and the usual recap of the recap from Julie, we go right to the first part of the final HOH competition. This dates way back to last Thursday night, so there won't be much commentary here. In case you forgot, it's an endurance comp where the three of them are dunked into water, and then slammed into a wall. Danielle gives us some foreshadowing by saying she has nobody she can trust. Yeah, whatever.

But wait. We do have something new here! Before the competition started, Dan told Ian that he had to throw this one! Dan says that he can't beat Danielle in the second heat, and fellow Renegade Ian is all too willing to follow through. He also has apparently told Danielle that she should trust him, and that Ian dropping in ten minutes will prove it.

Good boy Ian does exactly as he's told, and does drop. But it was in 17 minutes, not ten. Oh, and there is that smile from Danielle to Dan, even though she says she still doesn't know if she trusts him.

Dan sends Ian away, and then he tells her that the only shot for the two of them to win is for her to drop. But...it has to be her idea. They go back and forth on this for a bit, and he even asks "do you trust me or not?" As always, the silly little country girl also does as she's told and she drops. Yes, Dan convinced both players to potentially give up their place in the finals.

With this round over, after commercials we move on to the second HOH competition between Danielle and Ian. Before we get to that point, though, we see Danielle telling Dan she thinks she can beat Ian but "it's just the scary part if I don't". In the diary room, Dan says that his plan IS to take Danielle to the finals but he needs a "contingency plan in case she doesn't win round two". He comes up with a plan that will have Dan high-fiving Ian if he wins and yelling out, "we did it". Danielle is then supposed to get mad because Ian is supposed to take HER to the end. "You've gotta make him feel like if he cuts you, in no way you'll vote for him." Great idea, Danielle. Dan's hoping this make Ian want to throw the third round to him.

Finally, we get to the competition. There's a Big Brother "skyscraper", and they have to climb up and grab pictures of the house guests (after wiping soot off them) and line them up in order of eviction. The person with the fastest time is the winner.

Danielle goes first, but not all of the pictures are house guests. She puts her "heart" into it, and is confident she did well. Ian then does his round, and his strategy is to just clean off the names on the pictures to save time. Once completed, we find out that Danielle's time was 7:31, but Ian takes the prize with a time of 6:04.

Ian is calm, but Danielle is pissed. Time for plan B. Ian walks into the house and congratulates with Dan right in front of Danielle, which pisses off Ian. She asks Dan why he was celebrating, and Ian walks right by her saying, "I'm not going to talk to that bitch." The argument then becomes between Danielle and Dan about which player Ian is taking to the finals. The plan works...at least on Dan's behalf, as Ian says in the diary room that he would never take a person to the finals with that kind of poor sportsmanship. Hahahaha! Now, Dan says he just needs to convince Ian to throw the final round. Unfortunately, Ian says he would never throw that round, but Dan ends the scene by saying under his breath that will indeed happen.

Oh boy, it's now jury deliberation time. They begin by predicting who will the next face they see, and obviously they all have different dreams. Shane then walks in, telling everybody he got "blindsided by Dan". He tells the entire story about how Danielle had both the HOH and veto, and he still got sent home. Jenn thinks that Danielle was in on the plan, but Shane lets out a big claim that he and Danielle were in cahoots "physically" the last two days. Gross.

They start off the deliberations by talking about all three players. Ian is first, and both Joe and Britney have nothing but kudos for him. Frank doesn't agree, because, after all, he stabbed him in the back. Britney rolls her eyes, and another fight ensues. Jenn adds something about rats needing cheese, but I don't get her point.

Talk moves on to Danielle, and Britney thinks she had it pretty easy this season. Ashley, of all people, actually brings up how she just played Dan's game. They all agree on this. Britney doesn't believe that playing somebody else's game is not worth the winning prize, but Jenn does point out that she did win some competitions.

Obviously, Frank wants to talk about Dan. Britney says that she is in "awe of his game", and they all seem to agree. Well, except Frank...and Joe, who says there is a "life manual". Jenn, though, points out that all of them have done the same thing, but Frank can't be convinced. Joe agrees, saying "if Dan and Judas were in the finals, Dan MIGHT have my vote". Oh Joe. Ultimately, they all decide that they need more time to make their decision. Haha!

Here we go! It's the final HOH competition between Dan and Ian. As always, it is the questions regarding the jury members. The first question is Ashley's favorite moment in the house, and they both correctly pick her ice cream date with Frank. Question two is Joe's biggest regret, and they both correctly say it was his ten alliances.

The third question is about Britney's most embarrassing moment, and Ian takes the lead by correctly guessing that it was when Jojo bartered smokes for a vote. The next question is the moment in the house that irritated Frank the most, and Ian again is the only one with the correct answer of his being on the block all the time. Hmmm, think Dan is throwing it?

Question five is Jenn's most uncomfortable moment, and it is once again Ian who correctly  says it was the Frank/Willie fight. Ian is the final HOH winner! There's no doubt in my mind that Dan threw that, like every other competition this year!

Now is the time for Ian to make his final decision, and after babbling about how hard it is to eliminate a Quack Packer, he gives Danielle the big boot! They all hug, and she's out the door. After watching some celebrating, Julie then goes into the interview. She asks why she didn't try to work out a deal with Ian, and she babbles nonsense about not wanting to have too many deals. What? She does make a bit more sense, though, when she adds that she knew Ian would go right to Dan with any deal they made.

Julie then asks why Ian kept Dan over her, and she claims that Ian "told me to my face he can't win against me". Um, no. You're an idiot, babe. She supposedly has too many friends in the jury, but she isn't sure she believes that. "It's a cowardly way to go out." Wait, what?

The next question is honestly answered, though, as she say she is "confused" when Julie asks how she's feeling. She doesn't know what to believe from Dan (duh), and we move on to idiocy about how Ian can't stand the thought of people not liking him.

With Danielle gone, it is time to start making our way to the conclusion. Oh wait, we have more filler to deal with, as the jury is brought out. Well, the first six...and then Danielle is reintroduced (which is what Britney says she wanted). After throwing herself at poor Shane (lol), Julie tells them that Ian is the one who evicted her.

It is jury question time, and Ashley starts by asking Ian about whether he made his own decision. Ian babbles nonsense about how he created the Quack Pack to "take destiny in his own hands". Dan, who is making hand gestures through the end of this speech, says he "totally disagrees" with that.

Frank then asks Dan about lying and backstabbing. Did he cross the line by swearing on the Bible and his wedding ring. Dan says he was "forced to play a ruthless game", and he would take it all back if he could. Yes, we get the "elbows in blood" speech again.

Jenn then tells Ian that she doesn't believe in snitches, so why should she reward him for playing Boogie, Frank, and herself. Once again, as Ian repeats his earlier lines about the Quack Pack, Dan is shaking his head that Ian is wrong about everything. Interesting strategy.

Joe is up next, and says that he believes the "elbows in blood" line is silly since he only won one HOH. "What are you trying to take credit for?" Dan says that he had to stab each of the jury members, and had to befriend and betray them all.

Next up is Britney, and she asks Ian why he deserves to win over Dan. In case you didn't hear it before, he AGAIN repeats his bullshit about "taking his fate in his own hands". He does make points by saying he "played a slightly cleaner game" than Dan.

It is Shane's turn, but he's confused by the piece of paper in his hand. After getting the correct card, though, he says "Satan...I mean, Dan, why do you deserve to win over Ian?" Dan then tells the real story on how the Quack Pack was originally formed with the four of them, and Ian in his dog suit was led up on a leash and told he was the fifth vote. He's right on this! Ian is now starting to get a bit upset, yelling "bull bull bull".

Now we end with Danielle, who doesn't have a prepared question. She asks him if he was aware that Dan also had a final two deal with her, and was planning on taking her instead of him if he had won. Ian was not aware of that, he says, and "I really hope that's not true". After all, Dan gave him his "grandfather's gold necklace as collateral". Yes, Danielle just gave her Johnny Holmes look again!!!! YES!!! Dan does admit that he would have taken her if he had not thrown that final comp.

After a commercial break, the two finalists now get a chance to plead their case. Ian goes first, and says that while he was going to keep his speech fairly nice, he is "disgusted" with Dan. He lays out how he has own more victories, and has a better poker face. He tries to make a "nine lives" joke, but it doesn't quite work. He does point out how Dan has backstabbed all of them, "including me". He says he has played the game with "probability, statistics, and a little bit of heart". The crowd applauds as he conlcudes.

It is now Dan's turn, and he rambles about how after the game was reset he knew he was in trouble, and then lists the positive attributes of everybody in the jury. He says he had to stand back and figure out what he had to do to win the game, and he had to be ruthless. He played the game 24/7 because he had to, and that's why he deserves to win. "I hope you're not too mad at me, and I hope you're not too disgusted."

It is now the moment of truth, and Ashley is the first to insert a key, saying "I definitely put you on my dream board". Britney is next, and says they both deserve it. "Quack quack."

Next up is Frank, and he says he's voting "for who I think made the best decisions in the game". "Preesh, hopefully", replies Dan. Joe is the next juror, and he is sort of subdued as he puts in his key. Jenn tells them they played a great game, and Dan replies that she has "sold over a million records". "Kissing butt to the end", Ian asks Dan. Shane is up next, and actually makes a speech of sorts.

The final vote could be fun, as it belongs to Danielle. "The only reason I'm voting this way is because I've tried to keep my word, and I'm trying to continue." Um, ok.

You'd think we would get to crown the winner, but instead it is time to bring back the rest of the cast (minus Willie). Janelle is asked what surprised her the most sitting at home, and she says "besides all of Danielle's lies", it was Dan's gameplay. "If he doesn't win Big Brother 14, it's an absolute travesty." Julie asks if he's the greatest ever, and Janelle says he's "ONE" of the greatest. Frank is asked for a response, and he says that he doesn't respect his game this year, although he was one of his favorite players ever.

Boogie is then asked the same question, and he says that he was way impressed by him, but he was even more impressed by how Ian grew over the summer. "He's going to leave a man, one way or another."

For some reason, we move over to Shane, who wants to ask Danielle if his eviction was premeditated. "I swear on everything, I had no idea." Dan jumps in and confirms that is indeed the case. Thanks, Shane, we now have to hear Dan's journey story one more time.

Julie takes control again, and asks Wil what surprised him the most. He says very little shocked him, and does a great imitation of "Eagle Eyed Joe". He says that people shouldn't hold a grudge if people like to you. "Take responsibility."

FINALLY, it is time to count the votes. Danielle voted for Dan, but Shane's vote goes to Ian, as does Jenn, Joe, Frank. Ian is the winner of Big Brother 14!!!!

In heads out, and is congratulated by his entire family...and Britney. As we go to commercials, the audience and house guests start a "quack quack" chant. It's a quick break, though, and when we return Julie congratulates him. It turned out that the last two votes were also Ian's, and he says it is "the best moment in my life". Julie then reads off the America's Favorite House Guest winner, and shockingly, it is Frank.

So that is it for this season? What are your thoughts? Are you happy that Ian won? Was it a mistake for Dan to throw that last HOH comp (if he indeed did)? More importantly, what did you think of this season as a whole? Let us know everything you think about tonight's show, and the entire year!