Big Brother Season 13, Episode 8 Recap

There will be no big introductory paragraphs for this episode. We all know what we’re getting tonight – Rachel, Rachel, and a bit more Rachel. Oh yeah, and a has-been-but-never-was-in-my-eyes promoting a terrible show that will probably not last the summer. Sound exciting?

So here we go with the reactions to Cassi’s unanimous eviction. Shelly says its “bittersweet” because it was all caused by her earlier vote against Keith. Jordan again babbles about how it was too “early in the game…to make everybody mad”. Rachel goes off on one of usual catty speeches while bitching about Cassi complaining she’s catty. Get it?

Now we see Shelly thanking everybody for keeping her, but Lawon says “Big Brother has turned into a cathouse. Cassi leaving was just catty. It was personal. Rachel didn’t want Cassi to outshine Rachel’s Big Brother show.” That may be the smartest, yet most obvious, thing he’s said all season. Shelly is given her key, and, of course, she’s excited about this “lifeline”, while Dom complains about how the lack of success of The Regulators.

And the nightmare now begins, as we see Rachel winning HOH. “I am so excited! I am on fire!” Ugh, die bitch. “I gotta brush off my shoulders as I have never lost a HOH!” Brendon calls Rachel “The Quiz Girl”; the “brains behind our operation. I’m the athletic side, but anything that involves thinking quickly on your feet, Rachel can handle”. Oh Lord. There’s so much wrong in that statement.

Everybody congratulates Rachel, but Adam complains in the diary room about the vets winning everything. Well, do something about it! “Unfortunately, Rachel won again, so it’s time once again to kiss Rachel’s butt.” You better have a doctor check your lips when you’re done performing that task, Adam. Lawon knows that it’s either going to be him and his partner, or Adam and Dom that goes up. “I’m going to fight like a dog up in here!” Really?

Brenda and Rachel continue the celebration with Jordan and Jeff. Jordan says that she was happy Rachel won, as she didn’t want any of the noobs to get it. Dom then basically repeats what Lawon said a couple of minutes earlier, but “I feel like the little social work I’ve done in the past two weeks may pay off.”

At the same time, Brendon tells Jeff that he thinks the nominees should be Adam and Dom. Jeff, though, thinks that as payback for last week that he and Jordan should have some say in this week’s decision. Shelly is seen talking with Adam, complaining that the noobs must start actually winning. Adam believes that this week the noms should be Kalia and Lawon “because they haven’t done anything”. Well, of course he does. Adam adds in the diary room that he needs to work with Brendon and Rachel to ensure they know he’s with them.

Time for pure fluff. Rachel comes out of the diary room with her HOH key, but everybody’s hiding. They suddenly jump up and toss pillows at her. Oh, how wacky they are. You know the rest of this story – we get to see pics of her family and other garbage. She reads her letter from her sister, and I struggle to keep my eyes open.

Adam now visits Rachel and Brendon in the HOH, and he tells them he “wants to be around for awhile”. Brendon babbles about how he doesn’t want two floaters to make it to the end, and Adam complains how Kalia and Lawon have done nothing so far. In the diary room, though, Rachel says he had his chance, and knows that if Adam was the HOH they’d probably be up as nominees.

It’s now Lawon’s turn, and he does exactly what CBS wants in his diary room babbling, proclaiming that “I’m going to creep on upstairs and spit my ol’ game”. He tells them that he knows he needs their help, and Rachel responds by asking how he plans on playing the game. Suddenly, he’s more animated than he’s been all season, claiming he’ll do whatever is needed. Rachel looks as bored as me. “I’d rather be napping right now than listen to somebody talk in circles.” Wait a second. I agree with Rachel???

Time for more fluff, as it’s time to make fun of Dom’s snoring. Jeff is especially pissed, as he says he’s a light sleeper. Thankfully, it’s a short segment, as Rachel jumps out of the diary room to announce a luxury competition. Adam is especially happy, as it means nobody is on slop this week.

They all head outside, and for some reason the set makes Adam think that Tori Spelling will be visiting. WTF? Enough with this bullshit! Instead, some short chubby guy walks out, and Daniele turns to Shelly and asks who that is. “Awkward.” The guy announces that he’s from the show “Same Name”, and shares the same name as another celebrity. The comp will involve clues to his identity, and the first to announce his name will win. To make sure you understand, Jeff repeats the rules.

The game begins, and on the first clue somehow Jordan takes soap and sunglasses clues to figure out its David Hasselhoff. The game goes on, and Rachel somehow believes it is Michael Bolton. Brendon guesses that it’s Michael C. Hall. Brendon is then pissed that Rachel is helping Porsche, who somehow guesses that it is Michael Jackson. Some help. He’s dead, you bozo. Adam guesses Ricky Martin, and Lawon says it has to be Barbara Streisand. After the next clue, a knight in armor, Rachel guesses Kira Knightley, while Porsche says it’s Brian McKnight. Ok, this is going on too long.

Ending this idiotic segment, they all head outside to find Hasselhoff in his Knight Rider vehicle. Nice job in everybody acting like this is a fantastic meet and greet. After a tour of the house, Hasselhoff announces that Jordan has won, and her and three guests get to watch his awful new show. Jordan quickly picks Jeff, Shelly, and Kalia. Rachel is clearly pissed. “You’re not picking me to go to the screening and I’m the HOH. What is going on in your head, girl?”

OMG, this continues after the commercials, as they all head upstairs to eat sushi and watch this dumb show with the Hoff. Meanwhile, Rachel and Brendon have another fight. Brendon says that he’s so sick of fighting that he wants to leave. “Good, leave”, replies Rachel. Wash, rinse, recycle.

Hasselhoff finally leaves, and reads the CBS script perfectly as he talks about the sweetness of Jordan. Shelly informs Jordan that Rachel is pissed, and Jordan says in the diary room that she didn’t pick Rachel because she didn’t want to look like she’s kissing her ass. Meanwhile, the fighting continues, and Brendon says they should just put up Jeff and Jordan to make America hate them. Seriously, CBS, you’re showing THIS MUCH of their 300^th fight? Plus, this much of the clips from Same Name??? Awful.

Ok, their fight continues into a third segment, as Dom comes in to offer his services to the “game’s strongest competitors”. His theory is that as long as he’s aligned with them, there will always be bigger targets than him. I guess that’s not a bad plan, and Brendon thinks that he’s a bigger target than Jeff because Jeff “hasn’t won shit”. Brendon’s idea is for him and Daniele to work with the two of them. Rachel claims that Jeff saying Dom is coming after them is their “first strike”, and not letting her be a part of the luxury prize is their “second strike”. Oh, you silly twit. “They didn’t even take me, and I’m the HOH!” Ugh! Dom says he’s in this 100% until the end, but Rachel isn’t sure she can trust him.

Dom goes off and reports his conversation with a sleeping Daniele, who says “everybody in this house is stupid”. She asks Dom if he would ever nominate Jeff and Jordan, and he says he’d rather backdoor them. Since nobody will put them up, they have to get Brendon and Rachel to do their work.

Daniele then heads up to talk to Brendon and Rachel, saying that the best plan for her is to break up the two couples. She immediately jumps in on how stupid Jordan was not including them in the prize, and that completely pushes Rachel’s button. Daniele says she’s worried that they wouldn’t have the guts to put them up, and that somebody has to be the first to break. “Jeff’s gotta go”, says Daniele. Brendon, though, says they have to think this through as doing this too early may be a big mistake.

Jeff then comes into the HOH and asks if they’re mad about the luxury prize. “Noooooo, why would we care”, replies Rachel. Brendon says that Jeff was definitely doing damage control, and Rachel adds that it’s obvious that people are trying to create a rift between the two couples. “We’re not going after you two guys ever. If we wanted to, it would have been last week…it’s not even in our mind.” Brendon and Rachel claim they are thinking the same thoughts, and Jeff admits in the diary room that dealing with Rachel means walking on egg shells. Jeff finally leaves, and Rachel says she’s confused but “would have no problem stirring up the game a little bit”.

It’s not nomination time, and everybody again ably reads their scripts. Jeff and Jordan’s keys are pulled first, and then Kalia and Lawon. Adam and Dom are once again nominated. Rachel gives the “purely strategic” speech, and they all babble the usual nonsense.

That’s all folks! What did you think of the episode? Did you tire of the Hoff segments? Or the Brenchel fighting? Was there anything entertaining about this episode?

Big Brother Season 13, Episode 7 Recap

Well, last night’s episode garnered some mixed emotions. On the one hand, the ridiculousness that’s named Rachel was finally highlighted. Her demand to control Jordan’s HOH was somewhat accurately portrayed (and some blame must go to Jordan), and she looked like a damned fool when she was crying in the fake bushes.

However, for those of us who care about continuity, her fight with Cassi, and the mental breakdown/beatdown that occurred later in the evening also needed to be shown last night as it all happened before the veto meeting. Will we see it tonight? I’m guessing we will, but probably not in all its glory.

Oh well. Tonight is the end of Jordan’s reign a HOH (at least in name), the departure of either Shelly or Cassi (we all know which one), and the crowning of a new head of household. Who will it be? Please, anybody but Brendon or Rachel.

Before we get to any of that, however, we have to sit through the alternating cheers and whining after the nomination changes from Adam and Dominic to Cassi and Shelly. Lawon tells Cassi to be strong, but Shelly is also bummed about being nominated (obvi). “It’s crappy. It stinks. I hope that I’m safe. I feel like I’m safe. The odds are that my best friend, Cassi, is going home.” Cassi is bummed to be up against Shelly, and she knows the odds are she won’t get the votes to stay.

After giving Jeff a bit of a look, Rachel gloats that she “always gets her way”. Jordan says that those two are the last two that she wants to put up, but her alliance wants them gone. Cassi tells her that it’s ok, and they hug.

For somebody who is safe, Shelly is the one breaking down. She hates that her decision in week one to work with the veterans is why Cassi will end up leaving. Cassi joins her and asks why she’s sad. “It’s not fair.” Shelly tells her to campaign, but Cassi says she could “never, ever say a bad thing about Shelly.” Cue the piano music.

Jordan is upstairs crying, complaining that they never had a chance. Jeff tells her that she’s a good person. Yeah, this is filler, and again it’s designed to make Jordan and Jeff look like perfect people.

Daniele is now asking Shelly if she’s ok, and Shelly is still bummed for the reasons already listed. Shelly is especially bummed because she’s always taught her child not to lie. Yes, enough of this.

We now jump backwards to the night before (although this isn’t disclosed), and the big fight already talked about yesterday and earlier in this piece is finally aired. Cassi brings Rachel into the have-not room, and the fireworks explode (somewhat fairly). Well, somewhat, as it’s cut WAY down, and Rachel doesn’t look nearly as bad as she did Sunday night. The best part is the conclusion, though, when Cassi calls her a “catty, catty girl”.

Rachel then runs into the other room to change clothes, and complains in the diary room that she’s the “meanest fighter in the world. She used all of my weaknesses against me.” Rachel heads up into the HOH to put on a good cry in front of Jordan. We then get to hear an edited version of Jordan explaining how Rachel’s actions sometimes make her look “bitchy”. Ok, now this is starting to be edited to make Rachel look sympathetic. Daniele and Brendon both come into the room, and Brendon complains in the diary room that he’s “done” with her.

Let’s jump to the next day, but still before the veto ceremony, and Brendon and Cassi go into it. Cassi swears on the Bible that she hasn’t lied, and Brendon says that’s a line that he’ll never buy. This quickly dissolves into Brendon lecturing Cassi, and she says she’s not a “dumbass”. She claims that she just wanted to “clear the air” with them, and she’s obviously the only “adult” of the three. Well, she has a point there. Interesting how this was all portrayed, and nothing else that happened for the past three days was shown.

After the first commercial break, Julie interviews the house. They’re shown portions of the have-not competition, and they all obviously crack up. Julie asks Lawon about the toughness of the competitions. Yes, he answers they’re fun AND hard. Kalia is asked about her “injury”, and she thanks everybody for their help. Adam is asked how grateful he is to Dom for winning the veto to take him off the block…and yes, he is. You can hear Cassi in the background saying, “thanks, Dom”. Julie then asks Rachel about the tension during the veto competition, and she giggles and admits she sometimes says the wrong things. “We’re a happy family again.”

It’s time for more filler, as we get to view friends and family of the unlikely duo – Adam and Dominic. We meet Adam’s girlfriend, and she explains how he lost 100 pounds to be on Big Brother. She says he’s a “Big Brother scholar” after a clip of Porsche asking some BB trivia.

It is now Dom’s turn, and we meet his cute best friend, Dana. According to her, his mom is very controlling, and this is the first time he’s ever slept away from home. We see him flirting with Cassi, and Dana says that while he is a 25 year old virgin, he does know women. Dana also believes that his relationship with Daniele is just to help him get through the game.

Before we get to the expulsion, Julie talks to Jordan in the HOH. The first question is about their feelings about working with Brendon and Rachel. She says it’s good to have them on their side right now. Julie pushes by asking about their consideration of putting them up, and the reply is that it was “just too early”. Of course, we then get a viewer question as to when they’re going to get married and “make babies”. First, they have to actually live in the same state.

So now it’s voting time. Cassi gets to give her final plea first, and she says she feels “blessed” to meet everybody, and then tells Shelly how much she loves her. After noting that it “must be a special day because I’m in heels” (no shit), Shelly warns everybody that one will have to someday meet those they push aside on the way up the ladder. She concludes by telling Cassi how much she loves her.

Voting begins with Rachel, who obviously votes to evict Cassi, as does Brendon, Jeff, Adam, Dominic, Daniele, Kalia, Lawon, and Porsche. Yes, it’s unanimous!

Julie delivers the news to the house when we return from commercials, and Cassi hugs all as she walks out (even Rachel, who she had promised to have a word or two against). Brendon whispers something to Jeff while we wait for the interview with Julie, who then starts by pointing out that her final plea speech was like a goodbye. Cassi says she just couldn’t campaign against Shelly, and she knew she was going. Julie wants to go on some more about the “jealousy” angle, and Cassi is sort of vague. Yeah, it’s tough to be pretty, my dear. She’s then asked if she regrets “drawing the line in the sand” to separate the vets and noobs. Cassi explains that it was just kind of the unspoken thing going on, and after it goes on for awhile Juie cuts her off.

Jordan kicks off the final goodbyes by saying it’s too bad that “jealousy” got in the way of them really teaming up. Oh Jordan, you could have done that anyway. Rachel says that she’s “probably the worst game player ever in Big Brother. To say I’m catty and bitchy and I don’t like girls. The truth is I don’t like you.” Dom, however, complains that it just shows the “true character” of these girls. We end with Shelly calling Cassi “her Thelma to my Louise”. Hmmm, interesting.

Now it’s the moment we’re all scared of viewing. Will the next HOH be Rachel or Brendon? America is praying that it’s not. Tonight it’s a question contest called “Big Brother Online”, and it involves questions asked to visitors to the CBS website. A wrong choice eliminates a player. The first question is whether a person would rather get mouth to mouth from Jeff or Brendon, and the answer is Jeff. Everybody gets that one correct. The second question is who would be more likely to “warm the pool with something other than their charm” – Adam or Kalia. Everybody correctly chooses Adam.

Next, it’s which HG is more likely to steal a lover – Rachel or Porsche. The answer is Porsche, so Kalia is now eliminated. The fourth question is who would be more likely to save somebody from a burning building – Shelly or Brendon. Jeff is the only one out this time, as he picked Brendon. (What?)

For question five, it’s who would America rather see spend the entire summer in a bikini – Porsche or Daniele. (I know my choice.) Holy shit, the correct answer is Daniele, which leaves us with…get this, Rachel and Brendon. Now it’s who you would rather cheat from off a test – Jordan or Lawon. They both get this wrong by choosing Lawon. Now it’s who would be more likely to go “seriously bananas” in the house – Adam or Dominic. Finally, the two choose different answers, and Rachel wins by choosing Adam. Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!Well, that’s it, my friends (and I'm not paying attention to the final interview with Rachel). Oh wait, Julie just said that there is a "celebrity" visiting the house this week? And that there will be a change in the game later this week?

So...are you excited for Rachel’s victory? Are you dreading this week? What did  you think of the Cassi/Rachel edit? Which couple is going up this week?

Big Brother Season 13, Episode 6 Recap

Working on Big Brother footage for CBS must be a tough job. No, no, no, I’m not talking about the fact that every week presents hundreds of hours of footage that must be cut down to two 42-minute episodes (plus a segment or two on eviction day). What I’m referring to is the “Rachel edit”.

It has to be hell for these poor souls who have to somehow take footage that shows Rachel (and SkypeBoy) acting like fools and transform them into a modern day Romeo and Juliet. The task is comparable to convincing America that a Kardashian has the smarts of Steven Hawking. Tonight is an especially challenging evening, as all the acoustic guitars and pianos in the world can’t make one sympathetic for the Vegas cocktail waitress after viewing Sunday’s meltdown on the feeds.

Yet, I expect CBS to give it a grand ol’ try. The initial confrontation with Cassi will leave out important moments, the guidance from Jordan will be made to appear that it entered into that vast wasteland of a brain, and, worst of all, the mental beatdown from Brendon will be turned into a touching moment of a loving girlfriend learning from her masterful scientist boyfriend. Blech!

Before we get to that, however, we must sit through the usual garbage of the house reactions to the nominations of Adam and Dominic (god, this seems like it happened weeks ago). Adam says that Jordan had told him that he has to trust them if he’s nominated, and after Lawon whispers “you gotta fight”, Dom says he knows he’s the big target this week as “I’ve got big suspicions Adam stabbed me in the back”. Jordan agrees, saying she believes Dom is the “ringleader”.

For some reason, Rachel thanks Jeff for the nominations. “It’s not me, it’s Jordan”, he replies. In the diary room, Rachel is a bit more heated. “What are you doing? Cassi is the target to get out of here, not Dominic. If I can’t even trust you and Jeff to make the right choices at nominations, what am I going to be able to trust you at going forward?” Who is the HOH again?

Dom and Cassi reconvene in the have-not room. Dom says he knew it was coming, and Cassi asks if he thinks he has a shot. Dom says he doesn’t know how much he trusts Jeff and Jordan, and “it all depends on Adam’s deal with them”. Cassi tells him to cut a better deal, but Dom doesn’t want to be their “slave” for the next couple of weeks. Dom thinks he’s now flying solo.

Adam then walks into the room, and Dom asks him how he’s feeling. “We gotta win that veto”, says Dom. “Our back’s against the wall”, replies an unconvincing Adam. “Let’s not pull a Porsche and Keith.”

Jordan now has Adam in the HOH room, and claims that he acted so well Jeff believes he’s actually pissed. She promises him that he’s safe, and for the veto competition the “best thing for you to do is to sabotage it. I promise you we have your back.”

Meanwhile, Rachel is now hanging out with Porsche, who says Cassi has to be eliminated before the couples are split. This sets up the typical Rachel complaints against Cassi before Lawon interrupts. “I see Rachel and Porsche talking”, he claims, “and that’s mischievous. Those girls are always up to no good.”

Then we switch to Dom and Daniele, who warns him that anything she says has to be kept secret “because it’s for your benefit”. Daniele says in the diary room that she’s not stressing out yet, as she has some buttons yet to push. Yes, Jeff wants Dom out (“he’s an asshole” is the reply), but Daniele says both Rachel and Jeff are “going to sink their own ships”. Dom says that he is starting to trust Daniele, but she admits in the diary room that she’s just using him “for now”.

Daniele begins her work by telling Rachel she wants Daniele out, and Cassi put up in his place. “I don’t trust Cassi, trying to say she’s so real, and then running around the house telling lies to everybody.” Daniele admits in the diary room that she really doesn’t have anything against Cassi, “but if I see a bus, I’m not afraid to give her a little push”.

After commercials, Rachel and Brendon are talking to Jordan, telling her that they can all trust each other, but nobody can trust Cassi. “She’s so fake. She needs to get out of here.” Jordan just looks around, wondering where those voices are coming from.  Brendon doesn’t want her spending any time with Cassi. Jordan sees through their game. “Cassi just said one thing about Porsche, and Rachel is blowing it way out of proportion. It’s a little exaggerated and a little bit dramatic. It’s almost ridiculous.”

Jordan takes her concerns about Rachel to a seemingly bored Jeff. She tells him how Brendon and Rachel are constantly in her face about spending time with Cassi, but she wants to talk to her. “So, talk to her”, replies Jeff. “They gotta relax.” Jeff continues to rant about Rachel in the diary room, comparing her “to that little gnat that buzzes in your ear that you can’t stand…it’s not our first rodeo, and we don’t need that all the time…I need some Rachel-Off”. So do the feed watcher, Jeff. Trust me.

Sure enough, Cassi is in the HOH and Jordan informs her that people are “throwing you under the bus” (ugh, that dreaded line for the 10^th time already tonight). “It’s because you’re pretty. You’re like absolutely gorgeous, and that’s no lie.” Cassi says it’s not just that, but it’s also because “I don’t play back with them”. Cassi adds that she likes them because they’re genuine people that won’t let those types of games influence their thinking. She adds in the diary room that this is exactly why she hasn’t let on that she’s a model. Well, I wouldn’t go that far, my dear.

It’s time to pick players for the veto comp. Jordan ably gets through the script, and after calling up the nominees, Jordan pulls out the chip that belongs to…get this, Brendon and Rachel! Nice job, CBS! Dom is pissed! “I’m going to get destroyed!” Jordan then chooses Daniele to be the host of the competition.

Rachel takes Brendon into the storage room and asks him if he’d be willing to go against Jeff and Jordan if they win the veto. “I think they’re just doing what’s best for them in this game.” Really, Rachel? Aren’t you doing the same thing? In one of his most coherent points of both of his seasons, Brendon says that they can’t just go “behind Jeff and Jordan’s back”. Rachel says that she’s scared that Jordan is so easily influenced, and Brendon replies “that’s why we can’t let Jordan be alone with Cassi”. They decide to enlist Dom in their plan, and Rachel goes off to find Daniele.

Daniele warns them that it’s a risky move, but she’s “super excited” that they’re on board to keep Dominic. “In the end, I’m going to get what I want and nobody is going to be mad at me.”

It’s finally veto comp time, and Daniele leads them all out to the backyard to a giant “candy shop”. In this game, they’re playing as individuals, which obviously pleases Dom. To win, one must chew gumballs while walking across a plank to deposit on their “veto portrait”. Yes, Jordan, this leads to your stereotypical joke about “walk and chew gum all the time”. If you drop, you’re out unless you take two weeks of slop.

Jeff still believes that if any of the vets win that Dom will go home. Obviously, we know that’s not the case. Jordan quickly drops, and is about to take the slop before Jeff yells at her. This pisses off Rachel, who says “if they HOH isn’t playing, maybe we shouldn’t be”. Ooooh, Jeff is pissed, but he says nothing. Rachel falls, and immediately grabs the slop ticket. Jeff is steaming!

Rachel then falls once again, and she starts screaming her typical lines about how great Brendon is doing. Dom notices that he’s pretty close to Jeff and Brendon, and starts picking up the pace. Finally, Dom places the winning gum on his easel, and wins the veto. Cassi knows this is bad news for her.

With the contest over, Jeff tells Rachel that he “doesn’t appreciate your comments during the race”. Rachel doesn’t understand what he’s complaining about, and has that “are you kidding me” look on her face. “It’s done”, she bitches as she tosses her bottle down and walks away. She attempts to bitch at Brendon about Jeff, but he also admonishes her. “Keep your head in the game. Not emotion. Play smart.” Jeff comes back to them and continues to berate her for making Jordan look bad. “You showed that you’re better than Jordan. You showed it tenfold today.” The rest of the house looks on with giant smiles!

We come back from commercials to find Rachel bawling in some bushes. Ok, enough of this crap. Brendon says he has to get her to calm down in front of the rest of the house. Even Kalia thinks Rachel’s actions are idiotic. Yeah, it continues on as the rest of the house heads back into the house. And once again, we get the Brendon is a hero edit. Rachel finally comes back into the house, and Cassi believes these kinds of “shenanigans” makes Cassi look better. Well, not really.

Dom heads into the have-not room to celebrate, and he thinks his win is a victory for the entire house. Adam is even happy, as he kept his word and still gets off the block. Jeff and Jordan, meanwhile, head into the HOH and she tells him to “not be so mad”. He says he’s tired of the “Rachel show”. He goes on to say that’s exactly why people didn’t like her last year, and that her mouth is going to eventually be “their breaking point”. In the diary room, he ably reads the script to create some doubt as to the replacement nominees.

Rachel is still whining to Brendon, wondering if Jeff and Jordan will be dumb enough to put them up. Brendon grills her as to what she’s going to say to Jordan, but she’s not too thrilled by Brendon’s advice. Rachel says that she could say “I don’t appreciate your girl winning HOH because we let her”. Brendon commands her to stop. “No wonder America hates me”, Rachel concludes.

They do head up to grovel to Jeff and Jordan. Rachel apologizes, and Jordan says she’s not mad. Jeff says that she should have “just bowed out”, but Jeff says the “repercussions will last for two weeks”. Jeff adds in the diary room that he thinks it sounds like a forced apology. They all say the right things, though, and Brendon adds that the rest of the house can never see them bicker like that again.

Cassi is then brought into the HOH, with Shelli following three steps behind. Jordan says they are the last two people she wants to put up, and Cassi immediately asks if they gave any thought to putting up Brendon and Rachel. She adds that they need to think about “the long haul and who is going to turn on your later. At some point, y’all are going to have to get Brendon and Rachel out, and I would have been down to lead that front to do it.”

Jordan says her hands are tied, as the veterans are all tied together. Cassi says she “just wants to shake Jordan right now…and how this is a potential game changer” to rid the house of them.  This again sets up diary room stuff from Jordan to shed some doubt as to what she’s going to do.

She asks Jeff what he thinks of backdooring Brendon and Rachel, and Jeff says he’d stand beside her is she indeed did that. Jeff wants to “squash that annoying gnat in my ear”. To put an exclamation on the segment, Jordan adds that wants to “do something dramatic in this game.”

This all leads up to the anticlimactic finish, as Dom has to grab the veto and stare at the wall of house guests. He’s a bit bummed that Cassi is probably going up in his place. Everybody recites their expected lines in the diary room before Dom brings everybody in to take himself and Adam off the block. Jordan then gets up…and puts up Cassi and Shelly.

So that’s it, and while we did get to somewhat accurately see Rachel lose her shit during the POV competition, we didn’t get to see the fireworks with Cassi. Is CBS saving that for tomorrow?

Big Brother Season 13, Episode 5 Recap

Another Sunday, another Big Brother nomination show. It’s admittedly tough to get excited by this episode, as I’ve been disgusted by the actions of Queen Rachel and Brendon, and the non-actions of each and every noob. I’m a devoted recap-er, though, so here I am in front of my TV. Here’s what you’re going to see tonight – the have/have not competition, the (un)exciting unveiling of the HOH room, and the nomination. Oh yeah, and another silly Rachel fight that’s reminiscent of last year’s idiotic showboating.

I guess it’s time to start this thing with reactions to Keith’s eviction. Porsche acts like she’s the queen of the ball, and even sticks her tongue out at the cam. Why, nobody knows. Jeff says it’s all great for the vets, but Dom is bummed that two people switched their votes. “I feel like I’ve been shanked multiple times.”

Kalia, sporting some marvelous homeless hair, says she changed her vote because Keith called her out. Shelly, one of the two who “shanked” Dom, is playing it up real good. “Somebody is going to get an ass whooping at the end of this”, she says. She acknowledges that the noobs have no clue that it’s her. Adam adds that he knows this means the noobs aren’t united. Lawon is as “furious like a hot volcano in Hawaii awaiting to erupt”. Oh Lawton, you talk a good game but you’re rarely even seen on the feeds.

Rachel is then shown hugging Porsche right before she grabs her golden key. Rachel is so proud of herself, and in the diary room thanks the noobs for “being idiots”. For a change, I can’t really argue with her there.

We then jump ahead to Jordan’s HOH victory, and Jeff claims she’s “under-estimated”. Yeah, it certainly helps with the rest of your team (and some noob) throws it for her. Cassi isn’t so happy as she knows it means another noob will be going home. Yeah, like you.

Moving into one of the bedrooms, Rachel is jumping for joy in celebration with the rest of her alliance. At the same time, Cassi is asking where the the other two votes came from. Shelly continues to lie, and Lawon enters the room saying how pissed he is because he “stuck his ass out for his team”.

Adam enters as Dom asks about conversations anybody had with the vets. Adam admits he was approached, but denies he was one of the votes. Kalia says she assumes that everybody has had a similar conversation, and both Cassi and Dom deny it. Hey kids, the answer is right in front of you!!!

Adam makes a fatal mistake, though, by acknowledging that he did shake his head in agreement with every demand they made. Cassi’s shocked. Adam believes that Dom is the rat as he just happened to walk out at this point in the conversation. Kalia couldn’t be more proud of herself, though. Good for her, as she’s done nothing else so far this season. Adam, shut up! He also adds that he doesn’t expect to go up this week.

For some unknown reason, Rachel then enters the room, twirls her hair, and asks how they’re all doing. She acts a bit shocked when Kalia says “two of our own” voted against their interests. “I didn’t know there are sides”, she says. Oh Lord. Cassi explains that it’s all just how they feel about Porsche. Uh oh. “Some of us like Porsche”, responds Rachel, “and she’s here now for a month.” Oh snap! Part one ends with Cassi saying “I don’t like to be bullied”. Well, get ready, my dear.

Dom is now in the other room and Jeff says that he thought they had the votes to keep Keith. Dom’s response is that “I didn’t know that you wanted Porsche to stay”. This ends up being a silly conversation, as both Jeff and Dom complain that the others didn’t come talk to each other. Dom asks who their two votes came from, and Jeff does what he does best – play dumb.

Ugh, Rachel and Porsche are now celebrating in the supply room. Porsche reports that Lawon was in tears after the vote, and Rachel reports on her conversation with the noobs…including the Cassi comments. “Cassi started the ‘We Hate Porsche’ club that she’s the sole member of, and it doesn’t really faze me”, claims Porsche.

After Rachel and Porsche leave the supply room, the scene shifts to the bedroom where Daniele is thanking Kalia for her vote. She tells Daniele that the noobs believe that it was actually Adam who didn’t vote to evict Porsche instead of her, and it’s all because of his big mouth.

Adam is lying down by himself as Shelly comes in to give him a pep talk. Shelly claims she feels horrible, but Adam believes the stray vote (or one of them, at least) was actually Dom. Cassi is talking to Dom, and they both believe it is indeed Adam, and both believe it means the end for them. All of these idiots continue to trust Shelly, though. This junk goes on way too long, and at the end Dom says that he needs to work his charms on Daniele.

After the commercials, we get to watch the Dom/Daniele relationship supposedly “blossom”…complete with the acoustic guitars usually saved for Rachel and Brendon. Thankfully, we jump to the kitchen, where Rachel is washing dishes as Cassi comes in to put away the clean dishes. Rachel complains in the diary room that it’s so awkward that they “can’t even be in the same room”, yet Cassi doesn’t appear fazed at all. Cassi agrees that it was awkward to be in the same vicinity as her, but it was “for me to show her you’re messing with the wrong girl. I’m not some dumb little girl that’s going to cower in the corner because you’re Rachel.”

As Cassi sits at the table eating, Rachel turns around. Cassi says “long day”, and…the scene ends. WTF??? We have to endure Jordan’s HOH room garbage instead of what actually happened. God, I’m getting sick of this shit.

With the fluff officially over, we now have to endure filler. Brendon comes out dressed in his superhero unitard, and I’m officially sick now as he mugs to the cameras about Franklin, his “house pet” stuffed turtle. This is awful.

Adam now heads upstairs to talk to Jeff and Jordan to hopefully make a deal with the two of them. He admits to them that he did vote to evict Porsche, but says that he doesn’t want to go home. He says the alliance he believe that he had didn’t exist, so he now haves to grovel. He says that if he’s nominated and ends up with the golden key he’ll owe them a lot. Jeff is hesitant, as he doesn’t think he can trust him.

Back to Dom’s flirting with Daniele. He tells her that he has nothing to offer the other vets, and Daniele says that she’ll do what she can to help. He asks her why she would do this, and she says she likes to hang out with him. Yep, it’s Daniele’s first dumb move of the season.

When we return from another set of commercials, Jeff is complaining about how Dom thinks he’s running the show. Rachel will have none of this, though, and complains that it’s actually Cassi. “(She’s) driving me up the wall. She’s super floater Cassi. With Jordan as HOH, I hope we get the right person out of here, and keep the other person in the house that’s going to work for us.” That’s Shelli, if you haven’t figured it out. Jordan just lays there looking confused as Jeff and Rachel make their cases against Cassi.

Time for the have/have not competition. Jordan comes out of the diary room in an ant costume and attempts to read the script. Lawon says he’s determined to not be on slop once again. They’re now all dressed as ants, connected to their partners. The backyard is made up to look like a giant picnic, and the pairs have to grab giant food “crumbs” and carry them back across the field. The winner gets to pick the have-nots for the week.

There’s no reason to go through the commentary of this silliness, especially after Rachel’s godawful sexual innuendos, so let’s jump to the conclusion. Rachel and Brendon won, but before we can get to the expected slop choices, Kalia is stuck inside one of the props, and is supposedly “injured”.  I guess this is enough drama to make it a commercial-length cliffhanger.

Ok, we’re back, and a medic comes out to check on Kalia. They have to cut the pair out of their ant suits, but Kalia admits that her injuries were more out of “fear” than an actual injury. “I’m sure I’ll be back to all my antics ASAP”, she claims. What “antics”? The bitch rarely does anything!

Finally, we get to hear Brendon and Rachel’s slop choices…and yes, it includes Cassi and Shelly, along with Adam and Dominic. Yeah, yeah, yeah, slop stinks. None of the four are very surprised. They come back into the house to discover that America’s Choice for food is jelly beans and beef jerky. Can we stop this voting for food crap? All it does is make Adam scream more idiocy.

Back to the game. Dom heads up to talk to Jeff and Jordan, and he claims he’s going to be “100% honest”. He says he has to play with somebody, so he has no option but to come to them. Jesus, these noobs have absolutely no game. Jeff and Jordan humor him, but it’s a nothing conversation.

It’s Cassi’s turn next, and she just wants her and Shelly to remain in the game as long as possible. She says she has no problems putting up other noobs, and that she can keep a secret. Another interesting edit, as this conversation went on a lot longer.

Jeff and Jordan then ask Daniele what she thinks they should do, and obviously she now wants Dom to stay in the game. According to Daniele, Dom knows nothing about the game, and Cassi is completely untrustworthy. “She’s the one causing all the drama with all the girls and everybody else downstairs.” What? And now this conversation also goes around in circles, designed to make us unsure as to who the nominees will be.

So here we go with the nominations, and Jordan actually makes it through the prepared script. The noobs also read their scripts accurately, too, as none of them feel they’re safe.  Jordan says that her “alliance is telling her to go one way, while my gut is telling me to go another.” No, Jordan, that’s the desire for another crinkly bag of chips.

The cast is brought in, and the nominations are Adam and Dominic. Jordan says she nominated them because she doesn’t know where their heads are at. Um, sweetie, you could say that about anything and everything. She adds in the diary room that she doesn’t care what the rest of her alliance thinks. Adam, of course, is bummed about being nominated, and Dom promises to do anything possible to stay in the game.

Thankfully, we’re done here. What did you think of the episode? Are you tired of the beneficial edits that Rachel is receiving? Are the noobs as inept as they appear? Who do you want to see leave?

Big Brother Season 13, Episode 1

Finally, the time is here for Big Brother! After a tiresome yet frantic two weeks of rumors, gossip, hints, and honestly uninspiring video interviews, we get to meet the cast of Big Brother 13 tonight! Along with the eight new contestants, questions are finally answered as to the identities of the “dynamic duos” returning to the show. Will they indeed be the six names that have been bandied about the past week, or will there be a surprise or two?

So here we go with the usual Julie Chen opening, and within two minutes she mentions “dynamic duos” at least a half dozen times. We finally get some news – each “noob” has to pick a partner, and then three former pairs are coming in to play against them.

We jump right into the obviously-staged, "surprised" house guests discovering they made the cast. Dominic is supposedly a biker who LOVES his mom, but doesn’t like her touching his hair. Cassi is at work “modeling”, and she calls herself a tomboy. Lawon says everybody loves him, and he LOVES bright colors. Keith is at church, and he says “when I’m not in church, I’m chasing girls”. Um, yeah. Shelly is out huntin’ and fishin’, and babbles some Southern gospel.

Adam is found at a heavy metal show…although there is no band playing. He says he’s not afraid “to show my feminine side”. Hmmm. Kalia claims to be “the real life Carrie from Sex and the City”. I’ll stop there. Porsche is a “real life VIP waitress” who is “without a doubt, the hottest girl wherever I go.” Oh Lord.

They all jump around, wasting their supposed one hour of preparation. While packing, they all continue to babble nonsense that fits into their already prepared roles. Keith even has a flow chart for his planned “Keith’s Angels” gimmick. Kalia loves sex, but Dominic is a virgin. Meanwhile, Lawon says that if “they want me to be gay, I’ll be gay. If they want me to be straight, I’ll be straight.” I think I’m warming up to this guy.

After tearful goodbyes to moms, girlfriends, kids, and friends, they head out. Seconds later, Julie brings them out to the front of the house. Yeah, we’ve seen this scene a dozen times before as she preaches platitudes about what’s going to happen this season.

The first group to enter the house is Porsche, Dominic, Lawon, and Shelly. They all do the stereotypical screeching and rush to choose their beds. Porsche shows a bit of smarts, though, as she points out there are only eight people in the cast. Shelly makes a “funny” about how Porsche sounds like a stripper name.

Julie then allows the other four to enter, and it’s the same as before. Adam growls like a metal fan, and Keith is already in love with all the women. Kalia says she has a “hair phobia”, so having to share showers is a nightmare for him. Meanwhile, Keith twirls Cassi around, primarily so he can stare at her legs. Cassi claims her best feature is her “personality”, but shows a bit of self-awareness by admitting the “doctor’s did help a little bit”.

Dominic is the second person to figure out that there are more people to enter, but it doesn’t really sink in to the others. They all head into the living room, and Adam believes he’s going to dominate the house as the others don’t look too intelligent. Yeah, I kind of agree with him.

They begin introducing each other, and Keith kicks things off by lying about his job as a minister. He’s now a matchmaker, because somehow that will make the ladies come to him. Really? Adam loves metal, bacon, and 90210. Wait, what? They all get a laugh over his metal roar.

Shelly and Kalia continue on with the introductions, and Keith loves Kalia’s “puppies”. Ok, I’m bored with this already. Porsche admits that she was named after the car, and in the diary room says she’s already attracted to Dominic. She also lies about being a waitress, because I guess people are intimidated by “VIP waitresses”. Cassi also lies about her occupation because she doesn’t want people to think she’s “narcissistic” or “better than anybody else”. Ok then.

After a commercial break, it’s time for Julie to announce that the house guests must pick partners. “Expect the unexpected”, blah blah blah. Ok, we do get some real info here. Each of the members of the team that wins HOH is safe from elimination, and they must pick one team to go against each other to remain in the game. Keith is “crushed” because it completely screws up his “Keith’s Angels” plan (like these women would go with that anyway).

Keith makes the first move, asking Porsche to be his partner. She’s not happy about this, because she doesn’t want to go against his stunning wardrobe, but eventually agrees. Dominic thinks he’s an idiot for “thinking with the wrong head” (probably the only smart thing we'll hear from him all season). Shelli and Cassi quietly form a bond, and Adam asks Dominic (who is not real happy about this). By default, Kalia is forced to be with Lawon, and her planned quiet game is squashed because she’s paired with the “big, crazy, flamboyant” one.

Julie comes back on to verify all of these pairings, and the second bombshell is dropped. Well, not quite, as Julie disappears after announcing that additional pairs are entering. Porsche and Kalia immediately start talking about who these partners could be when the doorbell rings, and…oh fuck…it’s Brenchel. Ugh. Dominic says he’s scared because they’re big competitors.

Rather than talking about their return, Rachel babbles in the diary room about how Brendon proposed to them. Fast forward time. Ha, Adam is pissed! “You’re not taking over my house!” I love him now!!! After sitting down, the doorbell rings again, and this time it’s Jeff and Jordan. The reaction to those two is a bit more enthusiastic. Lawon says he’s “in the company of Big Brother royalty”. Oh yeah, and Shelli couldn’t be more happy to meet her idols.

After some of the usual cheesy cutesiness, they all continue to babble nothingness. Adam is pissed that the returning house guests are going to ruin “HIS” season. The doorbell rings again…and it is once again commercial time.

When we return, it’s time for…you guessed it…Evel Dick and Daniele. Adam is setting the tone as the narrator of the show, and he says that Evel Dick is the reason he attempted to be on the show. Keith, of course, is immediately in love with Daniele. “Yummy, yummy, yummy, I’m thinking of kicking Porsche to the curb.”

Ok, Dick makes the first funny of the season. He introduces himself as the only winner here, and poor little Jordan gets sad. Um yeah, although I was fans of theirs during their season I’m already tired of Jeff and Jordan. “Dick makes me feel like chopped liver, and I hate chopped liver.” Oh yes, another season of Jordan-isms.

Dick wants to take a look at the upstairs, and Jeff asks if he and Daniele are “good”. I guess not, as they haven’t spoke in three years. She looks way uncomfortable, especially when they do a diary room together. Jeff isn’t completely convinced, though.

With the introductions completed, it’s time for the first HOH competition. The rules are simple – there are giant bananas in the backyard, and the winner is the team who hangs on the longest. Adam says it’s important that one of the new couples wins. After a short time, chocolate begins to be poured over the bananas. Shelly cements her role as this year’s Kathy by immediately falling, and claims that it’s part of their strategy (just like Kathy did week after week last year).

Jordan is the next to drop, right after I was bitching at CBS censors for blurring her ass. Keith and Cassi are struggling because his ass is in her face, and he falls. Cassi also falls shortly after, as does Lawon. Meanwhile, Dominic is bitching that Adam’s head is in his ass.

Adam is the next to drop, and then it’s Jeff and Dominic. Porsche and Kalia are the only new castmates left, and Rachel notes that Brendon is struggling. Yes, the ultimate competitor drops once again. Kalia then drops, and Rachel is confident that he can beat the only remaining noob, Porsche. “I spend a lot of my time on bananas”, she says.

It’s now whipped cream that is poured on those left, and Porsche is struggling. Goddamn those censors! Sure enough, she then drops. It’s now Rachel versus Dick and Daniele. Rachel says they are safe if they fall. Dick stupidly agrees, and drops. Daniele doesn’t know if she can trust Rachel, but she nods that they have a deal. Oh Lord, Brenchel is the first HOH! Ugh, she has to throw out a “no one comes between me and my banana”. Hmmm, Julie ends the segment by saying there’s another twist coming designed “to send shock waves through the house”.

What is the new twist? Julie has everybody gather again in the living room, and she tells Rachel that her choice will be more important than in past seasons as it will be both “a blessing and a curse”. The person who survives the “chopping block” now has a huge advantage because of the “Big Brother Golden Key”. Dum dum dum! This key guarantees a person a spot in the top 10. In other words, they can’t be nominated again until after week four. You can see the wheels spinning in poor little Rachel’s brain.

Blah blah blah this is big blah blah blah I’ll happily send my dad home blah blah blah totally blows my strategy blah blah blah. After some bikini highlights (ok, there are other things shown), the show is over.

So what did you think of the episode? Did you like the twists? I’m sure the rest of the BigBrotherGossip crew will have plenty to say about everything that was shown tonight on the second episode of The Big Brother Gossip Show, which will be available here late Saturday night.