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Entries in Episode Recap (114)

Thursday
Aug182011

Big Brother Season 13, Episode 19 Recap

Yesterday, I was listening to a comedy show on satellite radio and one of the topics was the overuse of the “our long national nightmare is now over”. The host was making the case that it is one of the worst clichés in modern journalism, and it should be never used again.

Well, I’m going to use it tonight, because (barring some last-second craziness) the nightmare that Rachel calls “Brennnnnon” is being cast aside for what should be the very last time. No more expert commentary on every subject. No more elaborate meals that suck the Big Brother house of food supplies. No more passive/aggressive behavior towards not only his “feeeee-ance” but the rest of the cast.

Most importantly, no more bragging on how he is the greatest player to ever set foot in the house. Guess what, science boy? You’re now the only person to be evicted from Big Brother THREE times! Yes, that’s right; there’s been a trio of wonderful evenings where the “Neander-tall” has walked out the door. Don’t let it hit you in the ass, you doofus.

Before we get to that great moment, though, we have lots and lots of filler to get through. Seriously. Lots of filler, especially since the HOH competition looks to be an endurance competition. I can’t even imagine the silliness we’re going to have to endure.

So let’s get started with the reaction to Adam using his veto, and Brendon replacing him as a nominee. Brendon is confident that he’s not going to be evicted again, and Shelly doesn’t believe that she “falls into zombieland”. Daniele complains about Kalia’s HOH week, and that she needs to clean it up by evicting Brendon. Rachel claims that by nominating Brendon twice, it is obvious that Daniele is “intimidated” by Brendon. Don’t think so, my dear. Rachel doesn’t stop there…as you may expect.

As with every Thursday episode this week, Brendon and Rachel head into the have-not room to cry, whine, kiss, point fingers, and make up. There’s no need to recap their silliness, and, thankfully, we’ll never see this scene again this season.  Brendon thinks he just needs to convince either Porsche or Adam for a vote to save himself.

Shelly, Jeff, and Daniele are now laying out in the sun, and Daniele comments on how “this is going to be a long week”. Shelly agrees, and asks if they saw Rachel glaring at her during the veto ceremony. Shelly says her plan is to just be “calm and cool…to make sure things stay good”. She does the typical kiss-up job on Daniele, and tells her she had a great speech.

We jump ahead a bit, and Rachel and Brendon are attempting to work their magic on Adam. Brendon’s plan is to point out how the girls have been winning everything so far, and wants to continue to boot the boys (and Shelly, who is questionably a girl). He promises to have Adam’s back, but as always Adam is non-committal. “You made my head hurt, and my stomach hurt.”

A bit out of chronological order, Rachel now attempts to work on Porsche. Rachel says she “is so ready to fight for my man. I am ready to do whatever it takes to ensure that Brendon stays in the house this week.” Porsche doesn’t make a lot of sense in her replies, and Rachel claims that they’re on her side. Porsche finally says that the last time she voted for Brendon to stay it didn’t help her out at all. This really doesn’t make a lot of sense, as Porsche is indeed still in the house. The talk ends with Porsche asking for a fake smile, which turns into a grimace after she walks out.

Now jump back two nights, as Shelly is sitting with Jeff and Jordan. Jeff makes a joke about going home, and Shelly asks if he’s voting her out. He says he’s not voting her out, but he’s actually conflicted about what to do. He reminds Shelly that they have to be “on the same page 100%”, and Shelly says they are. In the diary room, Shelly concedes that her method of gathering information from both sides may be creating some issues with her heroes. Instead, she goes on about how much she hates Rachel, but Jordan says they “need her right now”. Shelly rolls her eyes.

Danniele is now outside with Jeff and Jordan the following night, and drunkenly makes a deal with them. She concedes that three weeks ago they were her target, and it “probably was one of the worst moves I’ve made this season…you and you are not my target”. Daniele continues to plead to work together, but says in the diary room that she’s just going to agree with anything they say. The chat goes on to whine about those who have done nothing in the game so far, and they conclude that it doesn’t make sense to go after each other. Jeff now says he’s “leaning” towards evicting Brendon.

Now let’s go to the following day, but before the conversation Rachel had with Porsche. Rachel is now working on Jordan, and Jordan says it all is on Adam. If he doesn’t vote for Brendon, then they’ll have to vote with the house to not piss off the entire house. Yeah, this doesn’t go well. Rachel calls them “cowards” and “sheep” for worrying about the house. “Worst alliance ever!”

Jordan heads inside and informs Jeff of the conversation, and he heads outside to confront them. “Let’s see if they’ll bully me”. Jordan’s speech is basically repeated, and Rachel says “whatever”. This blows up, especially after Jeff complains they have no right to be pissed at him. “Rachel is like dealing with a little kid…and I can’t take it anymore”. He bitches at her about her attitude, and Rachel plays her innocent victim game. Yes, this leads to Rachel’s idiotic “all I do is fight” speech. Unfortunately, we don’t get the second part of this fight, where Jordan complains about Rachel not caring about her “babysitting” her the first time Brendon was evicted.

Julie’s chatter with the house is next, and it starts with Shelly’s phone call from her family. Yeah, it was touching. Jordan is then asked about whether the “humilitard” was worth giving Shelly the phone call, and her obvious response is “yes”. She just wouldn’t feel right not giving it to Shelly, and she does have Jeff. Brendon is then asked why he believes he beat out the other evictees to return, and he babbles ABSOLUTE NONSENSE about how America wants to see somebody who will compete. No, dumbass, it was the Jeff and Jordan crowd who felt it would help THEIR game! Rachel is asked how she’s holding up with Brendon being on the block, and she says she’s going to “hold up” to fight her way to win. Julie then concludes the talk by announcing tonight’s evictee is the first to go to jury.

Fluff piece time, and this week it is all about Shelly. After showing a conversation with Jordan about her family, we get to meet Shelly’s family once again. Yes, she was homecoming queen, and is a great mom. We get it! I must admit that her daughter Josie is adorable, though. The aftermath of the fight with Rachel is shown, and her daughter says she “needs to stop lying and kind of pick a side”. She wants her to stay with Jeff and Jordan. After a tiff with Jeff and Jordan, Shelly’s husband admits that the house is starting to get to her. Haha, I have to laugh at Josie saying, “shut up, Rachel”, after receiving her key in last week’s nomination ceremony. Funny thing is that Josie seems to know the game better than almost everybody else as she concludes that her mom has to get her relationships back in line.

After commercials, Julie is now having her HOH talk with Daniele. Julie starts off by commenting how it looked like both Brendon and Rachel were going to be out of the house, and Daniele says it was “horrible in every way possible” that they are both still around. Daniele says that she always has to go with her heart, but they all felt dumb when Brendon returned. She also claims to be a “logical player” when she put up Adam and Shelly last week, but she needed to guarantee that Brendon would be leaving this week. Julie asks about the Brendon/Rachel deal, and Daniele says that was her “plan B”, and that “technically, I did everything I promised them”. If Brendon remained in the house she would continue to work with them, but instead “the smallest girl evicted the tallest boy twice”.

Final plea time, and it begins with Shelly. Yes, we get the “dignity” speech that we’ve heard all week, and that she “wants to keep playing”. Brendon gives a shout out to UCLA, and brags about working on cancer research. He’s happy to spend another week with the woman of his dreams, and then goes on about how he will probably be the first juror. He says his vote will go to the strongest competitor; “not somebody who rides the coattails and somebody who floats to the end”. His last message is to Daniele, and that “you will always be Judas to me”.

Voting then begins Rachel, who obviously votes to evict Shelly to “go against the house”. Kalia votes to evict Brendon “for good”…and we head to commercials wondering what Jeff and Jordan will do. We return with Adam, who votes to evict Brendon, as does Jeff, Jordan, and Porsche. Brendon is evicted 5-1!

Julie gives the news to the house, and a repeat of his first eviction is shown as he hugs and kisses Rachel. He gives her a pep talk, and heads out. Julie starts the interview by asking if they would have kept their deal with Daniele if she had done the same. He says they both realized it was them against the house, so Julie asks what Rachel’s next move will be. “She’s going to win HOH, and she’s going to shake things up”. If she doesn’t win, she’s going to “ride the middle for as long as she can”.

We go right to the goodbye messages, and it starts with Daniele. She jokes that if he comes back again, “I might have to evict myself”. Kalia repeats her cockiness from the previous eviction, wondering “why America voted you back in this house. The good news is that you’re leaving – BYE…for good!” Jeff says that he wishes it was him that was staying instead of Rachel (interesting) but promises to “look after Rachel for you as much as I can stand her. I hope you leave the instruction manual this time on what do with her because I have no idea”. Obviously, we end with Rachel, who says that she has found her “inner strength” and can do it without him. “I’m going to kick butt and take names. Don’t hate because I’m going to make it farther than you did last season” It pains me to say this, but that was her best speech ever!

We conclude the show by starting the endurance HOH competition. The game is called “All Washed Up”, and one must fill up a cup with soap and haul it across a slippery stage to the other side to dump it into a gumball machine. The first to see their ping pong ball pop out wins. After a couple of minutes, soapy suds are dumped on everybody (or primarily those playing in the middle), which should aid Rachel’s game. Ooooh, Julie announced that next week is double eviction week right before the "rinse cycle" started falling on the players!!!

There we go! No more Brendon! Are you happy with this turn of events? How about the chronological jumps in the opening segments? Isn’t Shelly’s child adorable? Let us know what you think!

Wednesday
Aug172011

Big Brother Season 13, Episode 18 Recap

Another Wednesday, another episode of Big Brother. There’s not a lot to get excited about, as a good percentage of the show will be the veto competition. Besides that and the veto ceremony, I expect nothing more than lots of filler and the usual Brenchel pout/fight/makeup.

Obviously, the show begins with the reactions to Daniele’s (not so) surprising nominations of Shelly and Adam. Shelly whispers to Adam that she’s furious before we hear the weekly “I need to win” speech from Adam. Rachel is obviously ecstatic that her and her man are not nominated, but Shelly isn’t as thrilled. “The fact that I’m on the block right now is the least of my worries”, she claims. “I am so angry at Rachel, and the betrayal and the lies, that I almost can’t even see straight.”

Shelly pulls aside Daniele, and after hearing about how this is a win-win situation from Daniele, they head up to the HOH. Daniele “promises” that she is not her target, and that she really wants Brendon to be evicted. Shelly likes that idea, especially since she’s furious at Rachel for her “lying”. Daniele doesn’t know what she’s talking about, so this story is rehashed once again (along with the footage that shows Rachel wasn’t lying). “I’m done with them. Let’s get them out.” Shelly heads out, and we hear Daniele say “I suck at lying”.

Fluff time, as we now see Brendon and Rachel hugging and kissing. Their goal is to get Shelly evicted. Before we get more footage of them, though, it is now time for another episode of Adam groveling. He asks Daniele if the plan is for him to win veto to put somebody else up, and Daniele says she told Shelly the same thing. “I need Brendon to go home. You need Brendon to go home. We all need Brendon to go home. Rachel is no good without him. If it is them two on the block, she would leave.” In the diary room, Daniele says that anybody who isn’t Kalia or Porsche is expendable to her. “You’re just a pawn in my game”, she says to him. “Pawns go home”, Adam responds.

Rachel heads into the bedroom to talk to Jeff and Jordan, and Shelly then walks in. Note: this footage actually happened BEFORE the veto ceremony. Shelly says that Porsche has said the “three person deal is out”, and Rachel has no idea what she’s talking about. Jordan calls a house meeting, and I suggest that everybody just listen to last week’s episode of The Big Brother Gossip Show as Shelly and Rachel fight over this three-person “deal”…which, by the way, was a hypothetical deal to begin with. The only thing new here is that Jordan says in the diary room that she doesn’t know which of them is lying.

After commercials, we return to more footage of Shelly stewing. It’s actually a few hours later, although CBS wants us to believe it just happened. Shelly is wearing sunglasses to cover her crying eyes, and Jeff tells her that she needs to relax. (Again, listen to our show.) Shelly adds in the diary room that she “hates people who lies!” Um, yeah.

And from that footage we suddenly jump to the veto player selection meeting. Adam says he’s “praying to the metal gods” that Brendon and Rachel don’t get chosen as veto players. Shelly babbles some nonsense about her mom saying you have to get things for yourself, so she’s going to win the veto. Brendon says that the best case scenario would be for both him and Rachel to play, but Daniele pulls out Jordan’s name. Shelly gets Kalia’s name, and Adam pulls out Jeff’s name. Hmmm, neither Brendon and Rachel are playing, and Shelly is loving it! “Enjoy the view. It’s going to be a good one.” Porsche is chosen to be the host.

Before we get to the veto, though, Porsche attempts to enter the HOH. Daniele asks her if she can have five minutes, but was just kidding. They watch Shelly sitting alone in the kitchen, and joke about how Shelly will push the veto in Rachel’s face if she wins. She adds in the diary room that it is turning into a perfect week for her. “This could be a perfect opportunity to backdoor Brendon.”

When we return from yet another commercial break, Porsche leads everybody outside to a farm-themed set. They’ll be using the “cornhole” game they’ve been playing in the backyard, but first we have to hear idiocy from Jordan on how Jeff looks like a boy band member. The object of the game is to have the lowest score, as a direct hit gets one point, but a miss drops it into a rotating wheel with various point scores. The eliminated player then picks a “prize”, one of which is the POV. Players eliminated later get to exchange their prize with an earlier player’s prize.

After we listen to the same spiel from Adam, Shelly, and Jeff on how they HAVE to win (well, Jeff says he doesn’t necessarily have to win), we finally get going. In the first round, Shelly misses the board completely, and Adam is ecstatic. Daniele scores a perfect hit, and Shelly is eliminated. Her prize is the veto, but we know she won’t hold that very long. At least she realizes this fact, unlike in previous seasons.

In the second round, Daniele again scores a perfect shot, and Jordan is eliminated. She pulls out the solitary confinement card, which Jeff says is a good prize. She also gets a phone call from home. Yes, acoustic guitar stuff is now heard, but Jordan reconsiders and gives it to Shelly so she can call her husband. Shelly says she’ll never forget what Jordan did for her, and Jeff also calls her an “angel on earth”. Great, CBS, make those cat ladies happy.

For the third round, Daniele again scores a perfect hit, as does Adam. Kalia is out this round, and she nabs the Caribbean vacation. She doesn’t give it up for anybody’s prize, and Jeff jokes about how she obviously needs a vacation from napping. Brendon and Rachel complain that “there goes our honeymoon”.

At this point, Adam tells Jeff that he really needs the veto, and Jeff is wondering if he should win or not. Adam whispers a question to Daniele about whether Jeff is safe, and after whining about it in the diary room she says she’s willing to throw the competition. For the first time, she misses the target, and Daniele is now out. She pulls out a veto ticket that guarantees that she plays in the next veto competition, and stares down Kalia before deciding to keep it. “A veto ticket is very important in the Big Brother game. Just ask Brendon or Rachel.”

It is now down to Adam versus Jeff, but before it begins Daniele asks Kalia if it is ok to get rid of Brendon. She concurs. Jeff then tosses a 8, and Adam’s falls into the 7 for a victory! “Barely”, adds Daniele. Jeff’s prize is $5,000, and he sticks with the cash. Adam’s prize is the unitard, which he then trades with Jordan for the veto prize. “For all you doubters, I did it! Adam’s the man!” Um, sure, Adam, thanks to Jeff.

Everybody is heading inside after the commercial break, and Rachel asks Brendon in the storage room if she should volunteer to go on the block. “I don’t want to risk you going home”, she whines. Rachel continues to whine, but Brendon tells her to stop (as always). “I just got you back”, she complains. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We’ve heard this all a million times.

Jeff is now upstairs with Daniele, and she says it’s stupid to keep somebody who has already been evicted. “You’re not on my radar”, she tells him. Her worry is that Shelly could go instead of him, and Jeff would prefer that Rachel be put up instead of Brendon. Daniele replies that Rachel is not very good without Brendon. Either way, though, they both agree it will be hell. Jeff says he’ll tell Daniele anything she wants to hear to keep Jordan or him safe. “I swear you’re safe.”

Filler time, as Shelly has to do the solitary confinement bit before getting her phone call. It is all worth it, she says. “I would do anything for Tony and Josie. I would give anything to see them; just to hear their voices is priceless to me.” Yeah, this footage is tedious, although it is funny when she says it is great to not have to look at Brendon or Rachel.

More filler, as Jordan is called in to put on her “humiiitard”. I must admit, though, that her “I’m with stupid” costume is funny. Jeff loves the pigtails, “as cute as a stupid little button”. Adam loves the propellers on her dunce cap. “I’m so glad I’m not wearing that thing.”

Kalia now heads upstairs with some snacks (surprise, surprise), and Daniele fills her in on the plan to evict Brendon. She says she made that deal with him last week only in case they won HOH. “Why the hell would I ever make a deal with them? That’s like making a deal with the devil.” They’re both a little full of themselves as Daniele says her HOH “rocks’.

With the solitary confinement complete (or almost), Shelly breaks down in tears as she gets her phone call from the family. Yes, they love her, watch her, miss her, and while touching, I can deal without it. Cue the acoustic guitars as Shelly tearfully recounts the call. The house then comes to the door claiming she has three more hours, but she is indeed set free.

Just like Sunday’s show, the last segment before the house ceremony is Brendon and Rachel again pleading with Daniele to not backdoor them. Yes, this is the same conversation we’ve seen a few times, with the small exception of Rachel asking if she has a deal with Jeff. She denies it, and when Rachel asks them to put one of them up, she appears to listen. “I’ll think about it.”

For the final segment, Adam and the rest of the crew competently read their cue cards to make it appear that somebody besides Brendon or Rachel are going up. Adam calls everybody into the house, and obviously he uses it on himself. “I worked really hard to win this competition, and I’m really gald to come off the block.” Daniele then stands up, and after babbling about how it is a “game of many twists” and this year’s twist is a zombie who keeps coming back, she puts up Brendon.

Shelly loves being up against Brendon, but knows they’ll do anything to save themselves. “I’m going to be working my butt off to stay in this house.” Brendon says if he stays, he’s coming after her. Daneile says the “only way to get rid of a zombie is to cut off their head. Brendon, you’re head is finally cut off. Now we have to deal with a zombie bride running around this place.” Jeff, of course, is happy that he wasn’t nominated but isn’t happy that either way he’s losing an ally. “It’s a game time decision. I’ll be honest. I don’t know what I’m doing at this point.”

And we’re done. What did you think of this episode? Were you upset with the out of context fight between Shelly and Rachel? How about Daniele’s decision to nominate the “zombie”? Let us know your thoughts!

Sunday
Aug142011

Big Brother Season 13, Episode 17 Recap

After the craziness of Thursday’s eviction show, it is probably safe to say we’re heading back to predictable programming. I guarantee you the first half of the show will be filled with the Brenchel reunion (gross) and Daniele/Kalia moping. After the HOH competition, it will be Brenchel’s turn to mope before an interesting HOH conversation that leads to a surprise set of nominations.

Finally, the show begins after an hour delay due to stupid golf! We kick off with the announcement that Brendon received the most votes, and of course Rachel has to babble about how “perfect” this is. Kalia, however, knows she fucked up. “We should have evicted Rachel so she would have to battle Brendon, and we could have gotten at least one of them is out of the house.” Yes, you did fuck up! No go eat some chips! Daniele repeats similar gibberish.

The end of the competition is then shown, and we get even more screeching Rachel! “I can’t believe this is happening!” Lawon heads out, and Kalia feels bad that she’s the reason he’s left. Ugh, Brendon and Rachel are back on the screen thanking America. No, thank the idiotic cat ladies who had this theory that Brendon would keep their golden boy, Jeff, safe!

At least Jordan is happy, as she doesn’t have to babysit Rachel any longer. Yep, that’s right. Daniele reiterates that the last two weeks have been a complete waste of time. Once again, that’s right. “We’re back to square one.”

Everybody heads inside, and Rachel is excited to see the return of color to Brendon’s picture. Jeff adds in the diary room that now that everybody is back they have a great show at winning HOH. Obvi, their targets will be Kalia, Porsche, and Daniele.

As Porsche makes a sandwich, Jordan and Shelly command the boys to join them in one of the bedrooms. Yes, it’s time to watch everybody jump for joy at Brendon’s return. Shelly calls it a “love circle”, but Adam is a bit reluctant. He says he joins in just to align himself with somebody.

Meanwhile, the other three girls head into another room to cry. “That’s why you go off initial instinct in this house”, says Daniele. Kalia can’t believe that Brendon was voted in over Dominic. Yeah, some of us agree. “Everything I did was for nothing. Absolutely nothing!” Yep, that’s also right. Porsche, who always has a knack for joining the losing side, explains how Daniele and Kalia are now her team.

Talk goes on to Shelly, and how she is the exact opposite of Porsche. “You people were just talking terribly of this guy”, says Daniele, “and now you’re lifting him up on your shoulders and washing his feet. It’s so fake.” Yep, you’re correct once again.

Back to the loving couple. Jordan walks out of the room telling Brendon how she watched over Rachel, and then Rachel turns on the whinefest about how she was treated the past week. She also fills in Brendon on how Shelly was trying to create a final three deal with Jeff and Jordan. Brendon says he’s not going to let her “put a wedge in between my alliance.”

At the same time, Adam is explaining his dilemma. Does he want to be on a big team with lots of strong players who can protect him, or on the other team that is centered around one person? “We have all the numbers”, replies Shelly. “We just have to win this HOH.”

The whinefest continues, and it gets even worse as they hear Brendon scream his idiotic Mario Brothers voice. Kalia hints that she may just walk out, and Daniele tells her to stop because “we’re stuck together. If I leave, you’re screwed, and if you leave, I’m screwed”. They understand that Daniele HAS to win HOH. “If I don’t win, I’m going home”, says Daniele in the diary room.

After a commercial break (thankfully), it’s time for the HOH competition. They head outside to a yard full of displays that represent each of the house guest’s home states. It’s the counting game where they have to guess how many of an object is in each display. Ugh, we know EVERYBODY HAS TO WIN THIS HOH!!!

The first round revolves around Louisiana, and the number of necklaces on a silver tree. The answer is 673, and Rachel is already out with a guess of 1500! Yes, the self-proclaimed “queen of HOH’s” is gone! The second round has to do with Illinois, and the number of pepperonis on two giant pizzas. This time, Jordan goes out…and Daniele starts smiling.

For the third round, it is Porsche’s state and the contest is the number of olives in a giant martini glass. Porsche doesn’t get the connection, and now Brendon is out! Daniele is now getting cocky, as is Kalia! Nevada is up next, and it is the number of playing cards on a table. Jordan says Jeff has to win, but he now goes out!!! The vets are not happy. “We had fun with this one, huh”, whispers Brendon to Jeff.

Now it is Jersey time, and the number of baseballs in two giant gloves. Adam says he has it “in his glove”. Get it? Ugh. Daniele picks the highest total, but she was indeed closest. Shelly is now booted! She says she neglected to multiply her guess by two. What?

Adam is now the vet’s only hope, as she is up against Daniele and Porsche. Unfortunately, we have to wait between commercials. North Carolina is the next round, and the number of rivets in a propeller. Porsche says she was getting dizzy by the spinning propeller, and after hearing Rachel act cocky about having to rely on Adam, he is indeed booted. “Have fun on the sidelines”, says Daniele.

So it is now the final round, and it really doesn’t matter as it is between Daniele and Porsche. California is the final state, and they have to guess the number of gold coins in a chest. Daniele says she still has to win this round, as Rachel is bound to get right back in Porsche’s back pocket if she wins. Sure enough, Daniele pulls it out! “Kalia, my girl, you’re safe for another week…I’m really, really ready to take this house by storm again.”

Rachel couldn’t be more pissed. “I am like freaking out.” Her and Brendon immediately disappear into the have-not room to cry. “It’s good to be in the house for a week”, cracks Brendon. He assumes the two of them will be on the block again this week, but Rachel fills him in on their attempt to make a deal with her the previous week. “We might be able to make her put up Shelly.” Yes, Rachel, we know you’ll do “whatever it takes to make sure Brendon and I are safe.”

While this is going on, the other three girls are dancing around in celebration. Dear Porsche, go go dancing is not your thing. Knock it off! “I want these people scared to death of me!” Rachel interrupts the party, though, and everybody becomes quiet. She congratulates Daniele, and then thanks her for “voting for me. I’m shocked.” Rachel heads back out, and the three have fun making fun of Rachel. Porsche leaves the room, and Daniele tells Kalia that she really likes her and that Shelly is “done”. It all has to do with her changing sides from week to week.

Thanks to storm warnings, I missed a good portion of the next segment, which I’ve been told was filler from a few days ago where Shelly did a fake “job interview” with Jordan. I would have fast-forwarded through this anyway.

Filler finished, Adam now heads up to the HOH knowing that he has to do some damage control. Yep, this tale has been repeated every Sunday this entire season. Daniele asks him what she should do, and he says that if he wins HOH next week then she’s safe. Daniele is not really buying it, though, as she says in the diary room “either you’re with me or against me”.

It is now Shelly’s turn to grovel, and Daniele says that she’s “all over the place”. Shelly asks if she’s frustrated with her, and Daniele opens up about being happy that Brendon returned. “I can’t sit there and be in his face brutal”, she awkwardly replies. She whines that she never knows where she is with them. “Sometimes I feel like I’m not cool like you guys are.” The Jedi mind tricks continue, but Kalia is offended when she is sent packing by Shelly. Yeah, this is a dumb circular argument going on and on about how they like each other. Daniele says she’s “not buying any of this”, however.

Kalia informs Porsche of the snub, and they talk about the numerous lies she’s told. “I’m super happy that people finally see what a piece of shit that she is. Like, the constant lying and everything.” Unfortunately, Shelly heard the entire conversation and wanders into the kitchen a little bit later to confront Porsche.

After heading outside for a smoke, we hear Shelly babbling in the diary room about the impossibility of going “the moral high road in this game”. Um, whatever. Porsche wanders out, and the preaching continues from Shelly. Porsche complains about all the deals that Shelly has made, and she claims they’re not true. Thanks to the investigative archival footage that is then pulled out (and also played on last night’s Big Brother Gossip Show), we see that she indeed made a potential deal with Brendon and Rachel way back on August 3. Shelly must now remember that conversation, though, as she bitches in the diary room that she never had that chat. “I will never let (Rachel) take my class away from me.”

Meanwhile, Brendon and Rachel head upstairs to talk game. Daniel says that they need to come up with a reason to save them, and we hear the usual chatter from Brendon. Somehow, this time it seems to be working…especially when Brendon brings up a final three deal. Rachel actually makes a point when she says that she’d have four people working for her, and that Shelly is trouble. Daniele ends the chat by saying that she “has a lot to think about”, mainly because she knows while it would be a big move it could also be a “stupid game move”.

Nomination time, and everybody perfectly reads their scripts. Daniele does go off the standard camera angles a bit, though, as she appears to be truly troubled by the decision. Everybody is finally called in, and Shelly whines to Jordan about Rachel before everybody else sits down. “You know how all the information is getting passed on? Rachel!”

Kalia’s key is the first pulled, followed by Porsche, Jordan, “Jeffrey”, Rachel, and Brendon. Shelly and Adam are nominated! Daniele acknowledges that everybody probably doesn’t understand their nominations, and she says that after the travesty of the last two weeks she “make sure that what I need to happen happens”.

Shelly is furious, but it is not against Daniele. It is still against Rachel. “I can’t even believe what comes out of her mouth.” Adam chatters silliness, and Daniele says she believes she’s in a “very good spot”. If she wins veto, though, she may use it to put up Brendon.

So that’s it. What did you think of this week’s episode? Are you a bit more clear about Shelly’s hatred of Porsche and Rachel? Are you disappointed that the house meeting wasn’t shown? Let us know your thoughts. 

Thursday
Aug112011

Big Brother Season 13, Episode 16 Recap

Generally, I have a pretty good idea on the main events of every episode. Besides viewing the feeds, the template for Big Brother broadcasts rarely change. I know A will be followed by B, with a small possibility of C being cut out to get to D. This format rarely changes.

Well, tonight I’m almost clueless. Sure, I have some ideas on what we’re going to be shown, but for the most part it is a clean slate (just like the brains of most of the Big Brother house). I know that the person that is evicted will get a chance to compete to immediately return, but I have no idea how this is all going to work out. I’m almost excited!

Almost is the key word, though, as it is very unlikely that the person I want to leave will be evicted, and it is also likely that the person I don’t want to see return will indeed be the lucky one. I almost have to pray for a Buster Douglass-ish upset, and unfortunately I don’t see any lucky punches coming from one of the most clueless contestants in reality show history.

Once Julie explained that Lawon is incorrect in his assumption that the returning player has a special power, we get the show off with reactions to Jeff’s use of the veto. Rachel can’t believe that Lawon was put up, and says she doesn’t think Lawon even knows he’s in the Big Brother house. “This is a miracle!”

Lawon screams that he “loves” being on the block, and somehow believes he has a “99% shot of coming back to the game with super powers”. Oh, you deluded man. “So take note, America. Lawon made the boldest move that anyone could do in the Big Brother house.” No, you made the stupidest move!

Jeff is also surprised, thinking that she is either “very intelligent” (nope), or “she’s so stupid to put the numbers even more in our favor. My vote is she’s really stupid” (yep). Kalia explains that this is probably not the best week to kick out Rachel, and she needs to put up someone “who won’t be gunning for me”.

Lawon is now sitting in the kitchen, complaining about being put up. “I’m putting on my acting skills right now. I want everybody to believe this is not planned…Big Brother get ready for the performance of a lifetime.” Yeah, we’ll be waiting…and waiting. Shelly plays along, even though she knows the whole plan. She gives a second glance when Lawon says he would never volunteer.

Lawon now heads outside, and Shelly follows him saying he should be “fired up”. Lawon continues to act, but Shelly knows he’s lying by the way he’s talking. She asks him if he volunteered, and adds that she knows he’d never lie. “Something doesn’t make sense.” He says that he’s going to figure it out before he walks out the door, which is another red flag for interrogator Shelly! “Rachel is not going to persuade anybody. This whole thing is wack-a-doodle.” She says she’s going to get to the bottom of it.

Shelly heads right up to the HOH to ask Kalia if he volunteered. Kalia immediately says that he indeed did volunteer (why would you tell her that?). Jeff and Jordan are also talking about Lawon, and Shelly comes in to spill the beans about Lawon’s act. “I got some questions. I hate actors.”

Lawon then walks in, and starts bitching that she should have told him. He then walks out, and Shelly makes fun of his acting skills. Jeff really doesn’t care, though, as he and Jordan are safe.

After listening to her usual garbage about having to save herself, we then see Rachel heading into the HOH to talk to Daniele and Kalia. Yeah, this is the same type of crap we have seen a hundred times. Rachel says she has two votes, and just needs to find one more. Kalia replies that she has the vote to keep or evict Rachel, and they talk deal. “I need to know that I’m not going to get screwed”, says Daniele. Rachel laughs in the diary room afterwards, promising they’re “going to feel the wrath of Rachel”.

Meeting adjourned, Rachel heads into the have-not room to report to Jordan her version of what happened upstairs. She denies setting up a deal with them, and after Shelly walks in the story is repeated. Shelly advises them to not listen to them, and that they’re playing her. Shelly advises her to not talk to them again. “We’ll vote you out if you go up there again.”

Shelly’s work is not done, though, as she now has a discussion about Lawon with Daniele. She denies having any knowledge about the setup, and says she’s confused as to which “crazy” she should evict. Shelly then tells a slightly truthful story about the aftermath of Rachel’s meeting with Daniele and Kalia. “I honestly thought by the way she was acting that you guys had made up and she had made a deal with y’all.” Daniele is pissed! “This is unbelievable to me.”

And we’re back to where we started, with Daniele reporting Shelly’s story to Kalia. Yes, we’re supposed to believe that there is some suspense as to who is being evicted. Kalia doesn’t quite buy the story, though, and wonders if it is better to just boot Rachel and “take our chances”. Yeah, right.

After the first commercial break, it is time for Julie to talk to the house. She asks Daniele if the twist has affected how she plays the game, and she sort of acknowledges that it has but at the same denies it. Shelly is then asked about the crying in the house, and she replies gibberish garbage. Jordan is next, and it is still about the tears. She recaps the have-not competition, and says she was a “ball of fire” this week and “pretty gripe-y”. Jeff is asked if the game gets harder or easier as it goes on, and he says that it’s harder. He thinks that this time he’s been better controlling his emotions. Oh really?

Oh boy, it is time to hear from last year’s house guests about their thoughts about Rachel. It begins with Rachel, and anybody who follows him on twitter know that they had made up after the completion of their season. “Believe it or not, I’m going to be in Rachel’s wedding party.”

Matt then shows up at Ragan’s house, and they sit and watch some footage from this year. Matt jokes about Rachel’s lack of tears (haven’t we all), and we then see Brendon being evicted. Ragan calls Rachel’s breakdown “cry-bernating”. Hmmm. He says that she doesn’t know what it is like to play the game without Brendon. Ok, as much as I love Ragan and Matt, I’m now getting bored with this.

Wow, they’re actually making time to talk to Kalia. Julie begins by asking what her biggest challenge was this week, and Kalia says that it was the twist and how it made her rethink getting out Rachel. Ugh, Kalia still believes she’s a tough player. Julie also asks about making up with Jeff and Jordan, and she babbles about believing they were her friends, and that she missed their friendship. Yeah, that’s your downfall.

We return to the living room for final pleas, and we begin with Rachel. She thanks her family, and misses Brendon. She thanks everybody in the house, and reminds them one more time about the twist. Lawon lets out a squeal, and says it has been a “great summer for me”. He says he won’t say anything about spineless jelly fish, as he loves everybody. “Do the best thing that’s good for you.”

The voting begins with Jordan, who obviously votes against Lawon, as does Jeff before we go to a commercial break. Once we return, voting continues with Porsche, who continues the anti-Lawon sentiment, as does Daniele (who says she knows she will regret it), Shelly, and Adam. It’s unanimous!

Julie delivers the news, and before he gets to the door Julie stops him. She tells Lawon that he does have a chance to return to the house, but he will be battling his way back. She lets on that the other four evictees have been sequestered, and Rachel’s mouth literally drops! Seriously, literally drops! Lawon will now battle against the America’s Choice winner to return.

We then get the four evictees on cam, and Keith is asked if there are any surprises by his company. He says that seeing Brendon is a major shock, and Cassi feels the same. She had a feeling that Dom may have been evicted. Dom says he’ll “offer my first born child” to return. Brendon repeats how he “gave up his game for Rachel”, and he would love to return. Julie says that Lawon was just evicted, and now it’s Brendon’s turn to drop his jaw…but obviously not as far as Rachel.

Unfortunately, we have to sit through one more commercial break before we find out who America chose. God, I hope it’s not Brendon…and in a close vote it was Brendon! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! This season sucks!

Brendon and Lawon take their places at the buzzes, and the competition is called “That’s How We Roll”. Balls are dropped with the houseguests named, and the first person who gets the entire set of house guests in the baskets wins. Yeah, this doesn’t look good for Lawon.

As soon as it commences, we have to hear the screaming from Rachel. Brendon is the first to score a basket, and his lead continues to increase. Jordan is now holding her ears as she has to endure Rachel’s screeching. Brendon is up 7-4 with a just under two minutes left, and Brendon’s lead continues to increase. It is 12-6 with one minute left, and Brendon eventually completes the competition. Yes, Brendon is back, and obviously Rachel straddles him.

This is not good news for me, my friends, or America. Thanks, Kalia, for the worst HOH week in history. Thanks, Lawon, for making the dumbest move in Big Brother history. What are your thoughts on the twist? Or Brendon’s return? Or anything else for that matter? Let me know. Somebody has to cheer me up!

Wednesday
Aug102011

Big Brother Season 13, Episode 15 Recap

Tonight’s episode may as well be titled “Stuck on Stupid”, as almost this entire hour is going to consist of dumb people doing and saying dumb things. The first few segments will continue to feature that red-headed banshee screaming for her feeeee-awwwn-say, as if she’s the only person to ever be separated from their boyfriend.

We’ve seen enough of this act the past two seasons, however, so it’s the second half that’s noteworthy. Seriously, the two most idiotic decision in Big Brother history (and I’m not exaggerating with that claim) should be shown tonight (unless there is some selective editing on one person’s behalf).

How will this happen? Let’s just say that these people’s moronic thought processes are trumped by a chain-smokin’, Bush-lovin’, catchphrase babblin’ person of questionable gender. You’re going to marvel as she takes less than a few minutes to infiltrate Kalia’s clean slate of a brain. The next time the Republicans have the White House, their first move should be to hire this person to head the CIA. She’s that good, or is the rest of the house that bad? That’s a tough question.

So let’s get moving with the clichéd responses to Kalia’s nominations of Jeff and Rachel, along with Rachel’s silly actions against Daniele. As we see her follow Daniele away from the nomination table, Shelly grabs her and tells her to calm down. Rachel complains in the diary room that Kalia is “reciting a script that Daniele has given her”. Kalia denies it, saying that she’s on the block because she’s “immature, catty, and ridiculous, and your behavior after the nomination ceremony is example A”. Hmmm, how quickly people forget, though.

Oh, we almost forgot about Jeff, who is also pissed that she put up two great competitors, and the one evicted may come back. Daniele, of course, is still cocky about the situation. “If Kalia is going to put blood on her hands, then I’m going to the bathroom to wash mine.”

Meanwhile, Shelly is still trying to calm Rachel down. She pulls her into the purple room, and says she’s worried that she may do something that will cause her to be kicked out. “I don’t care”, responds Rachel. “I’m going home. What does it matter?” Shelly continues to plead with her, and Rachel complains that Daniele has turned everybody against her. Shelly throws out the magic words, though. “Brendon doesn’t want to see you that way, Rachel.” Uh oh. Yeah, you know the words that come out of Rachel’s mouth after this.

The discussion concludes with Rachel saying she doesn’t want to stay in the house, and storms off. She heads into the have-not room and starts packing. “This isn’t worth money”, she whines to Jordan. “I’m so tired of everyone acting like I’m such a bad person. Daniele tore up Brendon and I, and she did it on purpose to hurt my feelings.” Jordan unpacks the stuff that Rachel has packed as she continues on about losing Brendon. Clench those eyes tighter, Rachel, so we can see a tear or two.

Jordan continues to attempt to cheer up Rachel, and in the diary room says its “tough work”. Yeah, I bet. Yet CBS continues to plague us with this footage as Rachel continues on and on about how she can’t survive without her Brennon. Please, poke my eyes and ears out immediately!

The camera now switches to the next bedroom, and Daniele and Porsche laugh at what they’re hearing. Yeah, this is also worthless, as Daniele says she suddenly likes that rarely-seen bimbo.

Daniele is now upstairs in the HOH, and Kalia now has tears in her eyes. Being a player instead of a floater is hard work, she says. Yet Kalia believes she can win. “I want to leave here knowing I left on my own doing; knowing that I came here to play.” They see everybody talking in the kitchen, and so she puts her head up against the door to hear Jeff talking about being players and not followers. Yeah, this doesn’t help Kalia’s mood, and she begins wailing. This is just terrible TV, although she does set the stage for her upcoming idiocy by saying in the diary room that she wants to do “anything” to get Jeff off her back.

After the commercial break, it is time to pick veto players. Jeff doesn’t want Daniele to play, and he promises to win. Rachel, of course, also says she HAS to win because she’s playing alone. Kalia pulls out Adam’s name, Jeff gets Shelly, and Rachel gets house guest choice. She picks Jordan. The host is Porsche.

Before we get to the competition, Shelly pulls Jordan and Jeff into the bedroom for a pep talk. Jordan asks if she’s “with us solid”. Shelly can’t believe what she’s hearing, and says she’s “never gone off the page once” before storming out of the room. Jordan starts crying, and Jeff says he “can’t take it anymore”. Yes, this is the token Jeff and Jordan cuteness for this episode.

Knowing he has to do some “damage control”, Jeff heads into another room to talk to Shelly. We get some silly story about how from the very beginning she has done everything to ensure Jeff and Jordan make it to the end. After a minute or so, Shelly is smiling again.

It’s now comp time, and for some reason we have to endure Jordan describing the competition. Rachel says she knows how the game works, but refuses to tell Shelly because “the entire house is against me”. Yes, Rachel, we know. The game has a Greek theme, and they have to roll a ball up a ramp and run around to catch it. Any ball that hits the ground causes a reset. The first one to get to 300 balls wins.

After listening to everybody once again claim they need to win, the contest finally begins. Oh yeah, we have to listen to another explanation of the rules from Adam. Jordan is having problems, of course, and Rachel’s plan is to win using “speed and accuracy”. Of course, this means we get to see her drop the ball multiple times, which makes Daniele laugh.

Surprisingly, Adam is slightly in the lead over Jeff, which means we get a “ball” joke from Jordan. Stupid Kalia notices, and decides to “take a break”. Shelly also drops her ball, and seeing she’s way behind Adam and Jeff also decides she’s out of the running. Kalia begins rooting for Jeff, which pisses off Daniele. Adam is in the lead near the 300 mark, and gets cocky in the diary room before we head to commercials.

When we return, Adam is tied with Jeff at 290. Jeff finally pulls ahead at 202, and goes on to win by two points. While Jeff celebrates, Rachel is once again pissed off. Kalia is obviously also happy, but doesn’t want to make any more enemies in the house.

Everybody heads inside, and we get the second Rachel pity party. Yeah, you know the script. Jeff comes in, and says that if Porsche becomes the replacement nominee she’ll be saved. Jeff acknowledges that she’s a bigger baby than his young niece, but it is in his best interest if Rachel stays. Jordan, though, thinks that she will be the nominee, and this will mean “war”.

The two head up to the HOH, and Kalia reiterates that she never wanted Jeff to go home. Her goal has been to target Rachel the entire time, but Jeff doesn’t want to hear it. “Personally, it was a stupid game move. If Rachel had won, then I would have gone home.” He asks if the risk was worth her reward, and Kalia responds that she never thought Jeff would be THAT pissed. He still claims that he will be going against her, but Kalia hopes that Jeff will settle down by NOT putting up Jordan as the replacement. Jeff says he’s “not buying it”.

Ok, here’s the point where, CBS editing crews willing, we see the game move of the year. Before we get to that, however, we have to endure Adam shaving off his beard. Really? The best segment of the year, and it is being cut down for more Adam nonsense?

Before we get to Shelly, we see Rachel babbling to Kalia about joining her side. Again, this is like every single one of Rachel’s previous pleas to those who nominate her – pleads, promises, and a little bit of threats. Yet CBS makes it look like Kalia is actually considering the move. No, that comes later.

Daniele now enters the HOH, and Kalia informs her about the possibility of keeping Rachel. Wait, what? We’re not getting the Shelly segment??? Obviously, Daniele is pissed! And so are the viewers who saw how this actually happened on the live feeds!!!

Now Porsche and Lawon are in the HOH with Daniele and Kalia, and Lawon volunteers to be put up!!! “I’ll come back and be like, ok, oh well, let’s play this game.” The rest of the room can’t believe their ears! He adds in the diary room that he believes he’d come back “with some special powers. We’re going to sail to the top. How you like me now?” I hope those powers include brains, my friend. Daniele thinks this is a win-win for her, as she can possibly make a deal with Rachel. Even Kalia thinks he’s “out of his mind”. Once he leaves, Daniele and Kalia laugh about the situation. You shouldn’t laugh too loud, because you did get played by footage CBS decided not to show us. Motherfuckers!

It is now veto ceremony time, and I can barely continue writing in my rage. In fact, I’m not even going to watch. Viewers undoubtedly heard the standard lines about not wanting to be on the block (besides Lawon), and Jeff used the veto on himself. Lawon is the new nominee, and everybody is laughing behind his back. Nice work, CBS. Besides a house full of morons, you refuse to let us view what really went down this week.

So what are your thoughts? Are you as pissed as me? Is Lawon the biggest moron in the BB history? Or is it chicken-shit Kalia? And who wants to bet that Brendon is the person who returns tomorrow? Let me know your thoughts.