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Thursday
Aug112011

Big Brother Season 13, Episode 16 Recap

Generally, I have a pretty good idea on the main events of every episode. Besides viewing the feeds, the template for Big Brother broadcasts rarely change. I know A will be followed by B, with a small possibility of C being cut out to get to D. This format rarely changes.

Well, tonight I’m almost clueless. Sure, I have some ideas on what we’re going to be shown, but for the most part it is a clean slate (just like the brains of most of the Big Brother house). I know that the person that is evicted will get a chance to compete to immediately return, but I have no idea how this is all going to work out. I’m almost excited!

Almost is the key word, though, as it is very unlikely that the person I want to leave will be evicted, and it is also likely that the person I don’t want to see return will indeed be the lucky one. I almost have to pray for a Buster Douglass-ish upset, and unfortunately I don’t see any lucky punches coming from one of the most clueless contestants in reality show history.

Once Julie explained that Lawon is incorrect in his assumption that the returning player has a special power, we get the show off with reactions to Jeff’s use of the veto. Rachel can’t believe that Lawon was put up, and says she doesn’t think Lawon even knows he’s in the Big Brother house. “This is a miracle!”

Lawon screams that he “loves” being on the block, and somehow believes he has a “99% shot of coming back to the game with super powers”. Oh, you deluded man. “So take note, America. Lawon made the boldest move that anyone could do in the Big Brother house.” No, you made the stupidest move!

Jeff is also surprised, thinking that she is either “very intelligent” (nope), or “she’s so stupid to put the numbers even more in our favor. My vote is she’s really stupid” (yep). Kalia explains that this is probably not the best week to kick out Rachel, and she needs to put up someone “who won’t be gunning for me”.

Lawon is now sitting in the kitchen, complaining about being put up. “I’m putting on my acting skills right now. I want everybody to believe this is not planned…Big Brother get ready for the performance of a lifetime.” Yeah, we’ll be waiting…and waiting. Shelly plays along, even though she knows the whole plan. She gives a second glance when Lawon says he would never volunteer.

Lawon now heads outside, and Shelly follows him saying he should be “fired up”. Lawon continues to act, but Shelly knows he’s lying by the way he’s talking. She asks him if he volunteered, and adds that she knows he’d never lie. “Something doesn’t make sense.” He says that he’s going to figure it out before he walks out the door, which is another red flag for interrogator Shelly! “Rachel is not going to persuade anybody. This whole thing is wack-a-doodle.” She says she’s going to get to the bottom of it.

Shelly heads right up to the HOH to ask Kalia if he volunteered. Kalia immediately says that he indeed did volunteer (why would you tell her that?). Jeff and Jordan are also talking about Lawon, and Shelly comes in to spill the beans about Lawon’s act. “I got some questions. I hate actors.”

Lawon then walks in, and starts bitching that she should have told him. He then walks out, and Shelly makes fun of his acting skills. Jeff really doesn’t care, though, as he and Jordan are safe.

After listening to her usual garbage about having to save herself, we then see Rachel heading into the HOH to talk to Daniele and Kalia. Yeah, this is the same type of crap we have seen a hundred times. Rachel says she has two votes, and just needs to find one more. Kalia replies that she has the vote to keep or evict Rachel, and they talk deal. “I need to know that I’m not going to get screwed”, says Daniele. Rachel laughs in the diary room afterwards, promising they’re “going to feel the wrath of Rachel”.

Meeting adjourned, Rachel heads into the have-not room to report to Jordan her version of what happened upstairs. She denies setting up a deal with them, and after Shelly walks in the story is repeated. Shelly advises them to not listen to them, and that they’re playing her. Shelly advises her to not talk to them again. “We’ll vote you out if you go up there again.”

Shelly’s work is not done, though, as she now has a discussion about Lawon with Daniele. She denies having any knowledge about the setup, and says she’s confused as to which “crazy” she should evict. Shelly then tells a slightly truthful story about the aftermath of Rachel’s meeting with Daniele and Kalia. “I honestly thought by the way she was acting that you guys had made up and she had made a deal with y’all.” Daniele is pissed! “This is unbelievable to me.”

And we’re back to where we started, with Daniele reporting Shelly’s story to Kalia. Yes, we’re supposed to believe that there is some suspense as to who is being evicted. Kalia doesn’t quite buy the story, though, and wonders if it is better to just boot Rachel and “take our chances”. Yeah, right.

After the first commercial break, it is time for Julie to talk to the house. She asks Daniele if the twist has affected how she plays the game, and she sort of acknowledges that it has but at the same denies it. Shelly is then asked about the crying in the house, and she replies gibberish garbage. Jordan is next, and it is still about the tears. She recaps the have-not competition, and says she was a “ball of fire” this week and “pretty gripe-y”. Jeff is asked if the game gets harder or easier as it goes on, and he says that it’s harder. He thinks that this time he’s been better controlling his emotions. Oh really?

Oh boy, it is time to hear from last year’s house guests about their thoughts about Rachel. It begins with Rachel, and anybody who follows him on twitter know that they had made up after the completion of their season. “Believe it or not, I’m going to be in Rachel’s wedding party.”

Matt then shows up at Ragan’s house, and they sit and watch some footage from this year. Matt jokes about Rachel’s lack of tears (haven’t we all), and we then see Brendon being evicted. Ragan calls Rachel’s breakdown “cry-bernating”. Hmmm. He says that she doesn’t know what it is like to play the game without Brendon. Ok, as much as I love Ragan and Matt, I’m now getting bored with this.

Wow, they’re actually making time to talk to Kalia. Julie begins by asking what her biggest challenge was this week, and Kalia says that it was the twist and how it made her rethink getting out Rachel. Ugh, Kalia still believes she’s a tough player. Julie also asks about making up with Jeff and Jordan, and she babbles about believing they were her friends, and that she missed their friendship. Yeah, that’s your downfall.

We return to the living room for final pleas, and we begin with Rachel. She thanks her family, and misses Brendon. She thanks everybody in the house, and reminds them one more time about the twist. Lawon lets out a squeal, and says it has been a “great summer for me”. He says he won’t say anything about spineless jelly fish, as he loves everybody. “Do the best thing that’s good for you.”

The voting begins with Jordan, who obviously votes against Lawon, as does Jeff before we go to a commercial break. Once we return, voting continues with Porsche, who continues the anti-Lawon sentiment, as does Daniele (who says she knows she will regret it), Shelly, and Adam. It’s unanimous!

Julie delivers the news, and before he gets to the door Julie stops him. She tells Lawon that he does have a chance to return to the house, but he will be battling his way back. She lets on that the other four evictees have been sequestered, and Rachel’s mouth literally drops! Seriously, literally drops! Lawon will now battle against the America’s Choice winner to return.

We then get the four evictees on cam, and Keith is asked if there are any surprises by his company. He says that seeing Brendon is a major shock, and Cassi feels the same. She had a feeling that Dom may have been evicted. Dom says he’ll “offer my first born child” to return. Brendon repeats how he “gave up his game for Rachel”, and he would love to return. Julie says that Lawon was just evicted, and now it’s Brendon’s turn to drop his jaw…but obviously not as far as Rachel.

Unfortunately, we have to sit through one more commercial break before we find out who America chose. God, I hope it’s not Brendon…and in a close vote it was Brendon! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! This season sucks!

Brendon and Lawon take their places at the buzzes, and the competition is called “That’s How We Roll”. Balls are dropped with the houseguests named, and the first person who gets the entire set of house guests in the baskets wins. Yeah, this doesn’t look good for Lawon.

As soon as it commences, we have to hear the screaming from Rachel. Brendon is the first to score a basket, and his lead continues to increase. Jordan is now holding her ears as she has to endure Rachel’s screeching. Brendon is up 7-4 with a just under two minutes left, and Brendon’s lead continues to increase. It is 12-6 with one minute left, and Brendon eventually completes the competition. Yes, Brendon is back, and obviously Rachel straddles him.

This is not good news for me, my friends, or America. Thanks, Kalia, for the worst HOH week in history. Thanks, Lawon, for making the dumbest move in Big Brother history. What are your thoughts on the twist? Or Brendon’s return? Or anything else for that matter? Let me know. Somebody has to cheer me up!

Wednesday
Aug102011

Big Brother Season 13, Episode 15 Recap

Tonight’s episode may as well be titled “Stuck on Stupid”, as almost this entire hour is going to consist of dumb people doing and saying dumb things. The first few segments will continue to feature that red-headed banshee screaming for her feeeee-awwwn-say, as if she’s the only person to ever be separated from their boyfriend.

We’ve seen enough of this act the past two seasons, however, so it’s the second half that’s noteworthy. Seriously, the two most idiotic decision in Big Brother history (and I’m not exaggerating with that claim) should be shown tonight (unless there is some selective editing on one person’s behalf).

How will this happen? Let’s just say that these people’s moronic thought processes are trumped by a chain-smokin’, Bush-lovin’, catchphrase babblin’ person of questionable gender. You’re going to marvel as she takes less than a few minutes to infiltrate Kalia’s clean slate of a brain. The next time the Republicans have the White House, their first move should be to hire this person to head the CIA. She’s that good, or is the rest of the house that bad? That’s a tough question.

So let’s get moving with the clichéd responses to Kalia’s nominations of Jeff and Rachel, along with Rachel’s silly actions against Daniele. As we see her follow Daniele away from the nomination table, Shelly grabs her and tells her to calm down. Rachel complains in the diary room that Kalia is “reciting a script that Daniele has given her”. Kalia denies it, saying that she’s on the block because she’s “immature, catty, and ridiculous, and your behavior after the nomination ceremony is example A”. Hmmm, how quickly people forget, though.

Oh, we almost forgot about Jeff, who is also pissed that she put up two great competitors, and the one evicted may come back. Daniele, of course, is still cocky about the situation. “If Kalia is going to put blood on her hands, then I’m going to the bathroom to wash mine.”

Meanwhile, Shelly is still trying to calm Rachel down. She pulls her into the purple room, and says she’s worried that she may do something that will cause her to be kicked out. “I don’t care”, responds Rachel. “I’m going home. What does it matter?” Shelly continues to plead with her, and Rachel complains that Daniele has turned everybody against her. Shelly throws out the magic words, though. “Brendon doesn’t want to see you that way, Rachel.” Uh oh. Yeah, you know the words that come out of Rachel’s mouth after this.

The discussion concludes with Rachel saying she doesn’t want to stay in the house, and storms off. She heads into the have-not room and starts packing. “This isn’t worth money”, she whines to Jordan. “I’m so tired of everyone acting like I’m such a bad person. Daniele tore up Brendon and I, and she did it on purpose to hurt my feelings.” Jordan unpacks the stuff that Rachel has packed as she continues on about losing Brendon. Clench those eyes tighter, Rachel, so we can see a tear or two.

Jordan continues to attempt to cheer up Rachel, and in the diary room says its “tough work”. Yeah, I bet. Yet CBS continues to plague us with this footage as Rachel continues on and on about how she can’t survive without her Brennon. Please, poke my eyes and ears out immediately!

The camera now switches to the next bedroom, and Daniele and Porsche laugh at what they’re hearing. Yeah, this is also worthless, as Daniele says she suddenly likes that rarely-seen bimbo.

Daniele is now upstairs in the HOH, and Kalia now has tears in her eyes. Being a player instead of a floater is hard work, she says. Yet Kalia believes she can win. “I want to leave here knowing I left on my own doing; knowing that I came here to play.” They see everybody talking in the kitchen, and so she puts her head up against the door to hear Jeff talking about being players and not followers. Yeah, this doesn’t help Kalia’s mood, and she begins wailing. This is just terrible TV, although she does set the stage for her upcoming idiocy by saying in the diary room that she wants to do “anything” to get Jeff off her back.

After the commercial break, it is time to pick veto players. Jeff doesn’t want Daniele to play, and he promises to win. Rachel, of course, also says she HAS to win because she’s playing alone. Kalia pulls out Adam’s name, Jeff gets Shelly, and Rachel gets house guest choice. She picks Jordan. The host is Porsche.

Before we get to the competition, Shelly pulls Jordan and Jeff into the bedroom for a pep talk. Jordan asks if she’s “with us solid”. Shelly can’t believe what she’s hearing, and says she’s “never gone off the page once” before storming out of the room. Jordan starts crying, and Jeff says he “can’t take it anymore”. Yes, this is the token Jeff and Jordan cuteness for this episode.

Knowing he has to do some “damage control”, Jeff heads into another room to talk to Shelly. We get some silly story about how from the very beginning she has done everything to ensure Jeff and Jordan make it to the end. After a minute or so, Shelly is smiling again.

It’s now comp time, and for some reason we have to endure Jordan describing the competition. Rachel says she knows how the game works, but refuses to tell Shelly because “the entire house is against me”. Yes, Rachel, we know. The game has a Greek theme, and they have to roll a ball up a ramp and run around to catch it. Any ball that hits the ground causes a reset. The first one to get to 300 balls wins.

After listening to everybody once again claim they need to win, the contest finally begins. Oh yeah, we have to listen to another explanation of the rules from Adam. Jordan is having problems, of course, and Rachel’s plan is to win using “speed and accuracy”. Of course, this means we get to see her drop the ball multiple times, which makes Daniele laugh.

Surprisingly, Adam is slightly in the lead over Jeff, which means we get a “ball” joke from Jordan. Stupid Kalia notices, and decides to “take a break”. Shelly also drops her ball, and seeing she’s way behind Adam and Jeff also decides she’s out of the running. Kalia begins rooting for Jeff, which pisses off Daniele. Adam is in the lead near the 300 mark, and gets cocky in the diary room before we head to commercials.

When we return, Adam is tied with Jeff at 290. Jeff finally pulls ahead at 202, and goes on to win by two points. While Jeff celebrates, Rachel is once again pissed off. Kalia is obviously also happy, but doesn’t want to make any more enemies in the house.

Everybody heads inside, and we get the second Rachel pity party. Yeah, you know the script. Jeff comes in, and says that if Porsche becomes the replacement nominee she’ll be saved. Jeff acknowledges that she’s a bigger baby than his young niece, but it is in his best interest if Rachel stays. Jordan, though, thinks that she will be the nominee, and this will mean “war”.

The two head up to the HOH, and Kalia reiterates that she never wanted Jeff to go home. Her goal has been to target Rachel the entire time, but Jeff doesn’t want to hear it. “Personally, it was a stupid game move. If Rachel had won, then I would have gone home.” He asks if the risk was worth her reward, and Kalia responds that she never thought Jeff would be THAT pissed. He still claims that he will be going against her, but Kalia hopes that Jeff will settle down by NOT putting up Jordan as the replacement. Jeff says he’s “not buying it”.

Ok, here’s the point where, CBS editing crews willing, we see the game move of the year. Before we get to that, however, we have to endure Adam shaving off his beard. Really? The best segment of the year, and it is being cut down for more Adam nonsense?

Before we get to Shelly, we see Rachel babbling to Kalia about joining her side. Again, this is like every single one of Rachel’s previous pleas to those who nominate her – pleads, promises, and a little bit of threats. Yet CBS makes it look like Kalia is actually considering the move. No, that comes later.

Daniele now enters the HOH, and Kalia informs her about the possibility of keeping Rachel. Wait, what? We’re not getting the Shelly segment??? Obviously, Daniele is pissed! And so are the viewers who saw how this actually happened on the live feeds!!!

Now Porsche and Lawon are in the HOH with Daniele and Kalia, and Lawon volunteers to be put up!!! “I’ll come back and be like, ok, oh well, let’s play this game.” The rest of the room can’t believe their ears! He adds in the diary room that he believes he’d come back “with some special powers. We’re going to sail to the top. How you like me now?” I hope those powers include brains, my friend. Daniele thinks this is a win-win for her, as she can possibly make a deal with Rachel. Even Kalia thinks he’s “out of his mind”. Once he leaves, Daniele and Kalia laugh about the situation. You shouldn’t laugh too loud, because you did get played by footage CBS decided not to show us. Motherfuckers!

It is now veto ceremony time, and I can barely continue writing in my rage. In fact, I’m not even going to watch. Viewers undoubtedly heard the standard lines about not wanting to be on the block (besides Lawon), and Jeff used the veto on himself. Lawon is the new nominee, and everybody is laughing behind his back. Nice work, CBS. Besides a house full of morons, you refuse to let us view what really went down this week.

So what are your thoughts? Are you as pissed as me? Is Lawon the biggest moron in the BB history? Or is it chicken-shit Kalia? And who wants to bet that Brendon is the person who returns tomorrow? Let me know your thoughts.

Sunday
Aug072011

Big Brother Season 13, Episode 14 Recap

“Brennnnnn-nonnnnnnnn!”

“Brennnnnn-nonnnnnnnn!”

This word, and very few others, will be uttered over and over tonight, as Big Brother will once again be the Rachel story. We’ll hear over and over how the banshee just cannot be without her soul mate, and how she’s going to wreck havoc on the house in revenge. Will she succeed? The answer is the only reason that kept many of us watching the feeds the past three days.

There’s no waiting as we start right off with the eviction of Brendon. Jordan is glad she’s safe, but she says she feels bad because it was because of Brendon and Rachel that she is still in the house. Daniele is cocky, as always, and she wants to send Rachel out the door next.

You all know Rachel’s reaction. “Daniele got rid of Brendon to make me hurt. Daniele started a war, and if I have to run through mud and take ten weeks of slop, I’ll do anything possible to make sure she goes home.” We then see her race off crying after Brendon’s departure, and Jeff complains that with another veteran gone then there’s a target on his back.

Shelly gives Rachel a hug as we hear tonight’s cameo from Lawon. “It’s time for somebody strong in this game to GET OUT! Now it’s time for the new kids on the block to show these veterans we are here to play.” Um, why don’t you do something then.

We jump ahead to Kalia’s HOH win, with a quick shot of a sad Rachel. Yes, Kalia is happy, as she screams in the diary room. She apparently showed Daniele that she is indeed as strong as her. Um, ok. Daniele adds that she “is proud of my little protégé…I’m definitely not sad that I turned on my old alliance.”

Great camera work is shown as Daniele frowning at Jeff consoling Rachel, who says Kalia is the worst person to win HOH this week. “She’s Daniele number one buddy – the same people that took out Brendon, and laughed about it and were mean to us all summer.” Pot, meet kettle. She knows she’s being nominated.

But Jeff is also not happy with Kalia’s win, and he’s mad that Porsche put him and Shelly up together in the game. Porsche approaches Jeff and apologizes, saying that she got really nervous and was sorry. Jeff blows her up, but Porsche says it was an honest mistake, although it helps her in the long run. The segment ends with Rachel whining, “I wanted to do it for Brendon”.

Everybody heads inside, and Kalia goes into the storage room to celebrate. “I told you”, she yells at the camera. “Nobody in this game better say that I’m not good at this game, and I don’t deserve to be here. Nobody.”

Cue the sad music, as Rachel is now crying in the have-not room. At the same time, Kalia is celebrating with everybody else, and Porsche fills her in on Jeff’s treatment of her after the competition. Porsche leaves, and Daniele and Kalia celebrate because they’re “risk takers”.

Meanwhile, Rachel is still bawling. Porsche comes in to console her, and Rachel thanks her for being her friend. Jordan joins them, and she reminds them that whoever is voted out does have a chance to return. After a bit, Porsche leaves the room and Jordan jumps right in with calling her a traitor. Jeff joins them, and the twist talk continues. Jeff tells her not to worry if she is nominated, and Rachel claims “the pity party is over”. No, it wasn’t for those watching the feeds. Jeff encourages her to stir it up.

Time for my least favorite segment of the week – the unveiling of the HOH room. Yes, there’s a giant bag of food, and pictures of the family. Kalia cries, and everybody acts interested. Zzzzzzzzzzz!

Kalia and Daniele are now talking in the HOH, but for a change it is Daniele that is eating. Daniele trains her on how to talk to everybody…basically just say “mmm hmmm mmm hmmm”. On cue, Rachel knocks on the door. Awwwwwwkward! Rachel whines about missing Brendon, and then asks Daniele to leave. “Obviously, we’re not best friends.” Rachel claims that she’s proud of Kalia, and that she respects her. She gives the standard offer of not nominating her next week if she’s not on the block this week. The word “respect” is said at least ten times, and after telling Rachel that she has no idea what she’s going to do, Kalia claims in the diary room that she may consider Rachel’s offer. Surrrrrre! As Rachel walks out, Kalia says to herself, “oh humble pie tastes so good, doesn’t it home girl?”

Time for filler, as Shelly asks Kalia a bunch of questions about her life. No need to recap, as it’s truly filler. Kalia babbles and babbles, and Shelly nods her head.

This is followed by more filler, as Adam gets rid of his elf suit. Unfortunately, we have to endure  him doing a strip tease. Yes, Adam, anything for TV time. Ugh!

Back to game shit…or is it? Kalia is snoring outside, and Shelly decides to surprise her by crawling under the hammock. Um, this is old footage…and not terribly exciting.

Ok, not it really is back to game stuff, as Daniele and her best friend are again talking about nominations. Kalia wants to put up Jeff and Rachel, but they know how they’ll react. The decision is made to tell Jeff that he’s being put up only to “fight for that veto”. Kalia says that she’s also going to play the “emotional card”, but Daniele warns that it may not work.

It’s now have-not competition time, as everybody walks out to the “Big Brother lounge”. Adam and Lawon both promise to be great at this competition (oh yeah?), and Kalia describes how a blended drink is created and the teams have to guess the ingredients. Another segment not worth recapping, except that the Have-nots this week are Jeff, Jordan, Rachel, and Shelly. Oh yeah, and Jeff and Jordan are now pissed at Shelly for screwing up. One more thing – CBS has to insert touching footage of Jeff and Jordan for the cat ladies.

Everybody heads in to find out that this week’s food is catfish and coconuts. Doesn’t sound that bad to me. Jordan is still pissed, as she hates fish and doesn’t know that you can eat coconuts. Silly girl.

It’s now time for a Jordan pity party, and Jeff comes into console her. I guess Jeff and Jordan are now officially the Rachel and Brendon of the game, as Jordan changes gears to bitch about Porsche.  “Everybody else benefits from us.” Hmmmm. Yep, they’re officially the new Brendon and Rachel, as Jordan breaks down again in the diary room while complaining about floaters.

After commercials, Kalia summons Shelly upstairs for a chat. She says that she feels she knows Shelly very well “personally, but I’m still so unsure on who she’s playing with…if anybody”. Kalia offers to add her to the Daniele/Kalia clique, and Shelly, as always, plays it right back. She wants to play with them, and promises to not put them up next week. You know, the same thing she tells everybody. But Shelly goes a step further, asking if she could see the three of them going to the finals together. In the diary room, Shelly admits that she has no intentions of doing this (mainly due to her love of Jeff and Jordan), but she’d be “remiss not to make sure that I have things on the other side”.

Oh wait, a second Lawon appearance on the show? Not for long, though, as Kalia kicks him and Daniele out as Jeff and Jordan come into the HOH. Kalia lays out the plan she talked about earlier in the show, but Jeff and Jordan are not happy with the plan to put up Jeff for the sole purpose of playing in the veto. Jeff says that if Rachel wins, then he’ll go home. Jordan reminds her of the twist that may bring a person back, and Jordan goes off on the floater shit once again. (For more details of this exchange, tune in to the latest episode of The Big Brother Gossip Show.)

Jordan storms out yelling about dead weight in the house, and Jeff repeats everything that has already been said. “Know that when I take myself off, you’re my number one target…and if I get voted out, know that I’ll come back only to take you out.” After more floater talk (and whining about doing Daniele’s work), Jeff also storms out. Kalia bawls in the diary room, but thankfully it’s not that guttural wail that we heard on the feeds.

It is now nomination time, and you know the drill. Kalia stares at the wall of pictures, and we see her insert keys. Meanwhile, she and those possibly on the block babble scripted nonsense. At least the ceremony is entertaining, as Rachel cozies up next to Daniele. When Daniele shifts to the side a bit, so does Rachel. “Is this serious? Does she have to be sitting on my lap and touching my foot?”

Adam’s key is the first pulled, followed by Porsche, Daniele, and Jordan. For some reason, Jordan then says that “my key should have been left out of here, because I know if one of them or somebody wins the veto this week, I’m going to be the replacement nominee.” She then pulls Lawon’s key, which is followed by Shelly. Yes, Rachel and Jeff are nominated.

Kalia stands up and says the “last week has been hell for a lot of reasons. The cattiness; the talking behind people’s backs. In the end, the people upstairs you pointed to in those pictures? They taught me to be a strong person and to make the decisions that are best to me. And they would never, ever want me to lay down and let somebody make a decision for me. That’s for everyone in the house who thinks I’m making someone else’s decision. (Snickers are heard.) I’m making my own.”

As they walk away from the table, Rachel continues her follow game with Daniele. “Hey, Daniele. How are you doing.”

“Gosh, you’re such an idiot. Unbelievable.”

“Do you want to talk?”

“No, I don’t even want to look at you.”

The show ends with Daniele saying this is a good week for her, regardless of whether Jeff or Rachel go home. Jeff obviously disagrees, again bringing up the twist and Daniele controlling her. “Guess who we’re coming for? You, big Kalia.” Oh snap! Kalia says that Jeff’s HOH room antics weren’t the best way to stay off the block. Of course, the last words go to Rachel, who blabbers on about fighting “tooth and nail” to “take her down”.

With that, we’re done. I must admit that outside of the filler and Have-not stuff, this wasn’t such a bad issue. The Rachel stuff was kept to a minimum, and the HOH meeting was much more entertaining than usual. What did you think? Did you laugh at Rachel’s childish antics with Daniele? Are you tired of Jeff and Jordan? And where was Porsche tonight, outside of pissing off Jeff and Jordan in the HOH comp? Let me know your thoughts!

Thursday
Aug042011

Big Brother Season 13, Episode 13

A big disclaimer for tonight’s show – what you may see tonight is complete bullshit. Well, at least in the first couple of segments. As stated in a previous post, the past 36 hours has been nothing but Brenchel drama. The world has conspired against the red-headed she-devil and her “genius” (I prefer “special”) boyfriend, and she had been once again talking about walking off the show (which she won’t do).

Instead of these more realistic (and typical) views of Rachel, it is my prediction that the first two segments are going to be filler consisting of the fake wedding they put on for the Showtime cameras a couple of nights ago. There will also be just enough footage of them conspiring with the likes of Shelly to make the world think that Brendon indeed has a shot to survive another week.

So let’s start off with the reactions to what Brendon believes is a shocking turn of events – his use of the veto to save Rachel instead of himself. Yawwwwwwn. Oh Julie, Brendon’s move doesn’t mean “chivalry is not dead”. Brendon is oh so proud of himself as he talks about making sacrifices for “the girl I love”. Excuse me while I gag. Daniele is ecstatic as “all of my Big Brother dreams are coming true”.

Jeff isn’t surprised that Jordan was put up as she’s a safer bet than if he had been put up. Jordan agrees, but she hopes that people will tell her if she’s going home…only because she bought “an eviction dress”. Oh Lord. Rachel, of course, is still crying because they’re “the most dynamic duo”. Please, I just ate dinner!

Rachel runs off into the have-not room crying, but Brendon is all smiles. He is so proud of himself, and wants reassurance that it was such a bold move. “If nothing else, at least I went out with a bang”. Come on, CBS, we don’t need the romantic guitar music.

With that segment thankfully over, Shelly runs into Jeff and Jordan and says she doesn’t get it. She questions whether this was something they had always planned. In the diary room, Jeff says he doesn’t know how he’s going to deal with her without Brendon. “When every piece of fruit and vegetable she looks at reminds her of Brendon, I’m going to rip my hair out”.

Meanwhile, Kalia is running her mouth off with Daniele (a recurring move all week). They’re both happy, and Daniele says that she can beat Rachel easier than Brendon. She does acknowledge that if he somehow stays, she’s in deep shit. She goes over the votes, and says she has to ensure that the noobs vote her way.

Back to Brendon and Rachel, and they’re having a similar conversation. They have to get some noob votes, and Porsche is the first they chatter with. Rachel says they’ll never get rid of Porsche, who points out that Jeff doesn’t seem to upset that Jordan is nominated. Porsche says she is indeed voting for Jordan to leave because she doesn’t want to upset Rachel. Oh yeah, that’s a good reason.

Adam is next, and Rachel says that if he keeps Brendon they’ll keep him safe “the rest of the summer”. Hmmm, how many people can she promise that to? Rachel badmouths Daniele, but Adam is hesitant. Shelly has joined the group, and she indicates that she’s voting to keep Brendon. In the diary room, she goes on about how she has to make the best move for her. Adam, though, continues to not give an answer.

Daniele now sits down next to Adam and asks if they’re “still good”. She’s noticed that Brendon and Rachel are “happy all of a sudden”. Adam claims in the diary room that he still doesn’t know how he’s voting, and tells Daniele that he’s open to reasoning from both sides. “I make my own decisions.” Sure you do.

Back to Kalia and Daniele in the HOH, and they’re laughing about Rachel. Since she’s in the diary room, they call up Porsche to see if they can get her vote. Kalia leaves, and Daniele says she has a better chance if Brendon leaves. “They will lie to every single person to get what they want. They will literally try to sell their first child.”

Suddenly, Rachel walks in and she’s obviously pissed that Porsche is in the room. After whining a bit, she bolts right back out. “The thought of Porsche switching sides and voting out Brendon, and hanging out with Daniele, drives me insane. Why doesn’t she just take a knife right now and gut me?”

Still steaming outside, Porsche tells her that she needs to “stop with the sad thing”. Rachel asks if she’s still on their side, and Porsche says that she is. Brendon comes out and Porsche continues to tell her that she needs to mellow out…and of course, this means Rachel has to storm off. Brendon barks at Porsche for bringing up the topic, and Rachel starts screaming that “obviously, nobody is going to vote for us”.  Porsche wanders off, saying “I can’t help you now, girl”.

Rachel is now on the hammock, and Brendon follows her. “Nobody cares in this game about anybody but themselves”, she whines. She continues screaming, so Brendon chastises her. “I left you in this game so you can play, but you’re screwing yourself by doing this.” He asks if it was a mistake to save her, and she not only agrees but adds that he made a mistake “by asking me to marry you”. Oh yeah, this goes on and on…and moves on to how she can’t get a job and is crazy. Yeah, that’s about right. Ugh, cure the romantic music again as they kiss and make up.

Thankfully, the segment is over and we don’t even have to endure their fake wedding…yet. It’s time for Julie’s questions, and she starts with Adam’s elf costume. Yeah, it’s not worth recapping, except he mentions Dio’s first band, Elf. Oh yeah, and he dances (again). Moving on to Rachel, she asks about Brendon saving her instead of himself. Yes, we get it. You “love” each other. Jeff is then asked about his feelings about the possibility of Jordan leaving before him, and he talks about how he’s never spent a minute in the house without Jordan. And that’s it…with no stupid wedding talk!

Oooh, and now we get an interview with Evel Dick. After a clip of Rachel, Brendon, and Shelly talking about how different the game would have been with him, he claims that he would have never let Daniele play such a stupid game. He says they were “one of the best alliances in Big Brother history”, and we see clips from season eight. He says that she “is trying to come out of the shadow I cast on her in season eight so desperately. She’s playing so hard so fast has been terrible.” He talks about the stupidity of laying in bed with Dominic, which put a big target on him. Clips are shown that indicate the similarities between her and Dom with her and Nick in season eight.

He adds that targeting Jeff last week was a big mistake, as she was “in the best position in that house”. She should have waited until week eight to break up the couples, he adds. Although she has a lot of ground to make up, she is a great competitor so she still has a shot at winning.

In a move guaranteed to anger Rachel, Julie then interviews a barefoot Daniele. Julie starts by asking about targeting Jeff, and Daniele says her only regret was going after him too soon. She is then asked about what her father thinks of her gameplay, and she thinks he’ll criticize her but also back her up. Rachel is then brought up, and whether they can mend fences. “Absolutely not, but not on my account. She feels that I’m splitting up a marriage, not a couple in the house. That’s her problem in this game. She’s only going to play personal, and attack people on a personal level…the rest of her game is going to be to get me out of this house (and probably kill me after the game).” That’s a great answer!

Ok, so it’s final plea time. This should be interesting. Brendon is up first, and after saying he misses his (and Rachel’s) family, he doesn’t drop the bomb like I thought he would. He just gives her a pep talk, and tears up. Jordan is next up, and she just babbles goobleygoop.

Voting begins with Jeff, who votes to evict Brendon. A tearful Rachel obviously votes to evict Jordan. And we go to commercials with the vote tied at one. Silliness. Kalia is voting when we return, and she votes to evict Brendon, as does Adam. Porsche votes against Jordan, though, but Lawon and Shelly both vote against Brendon. Guess who is evicted???

Julie gives the news, and Brendon plays the nice guy as he claps everybody’s hands. He embraces Rachel for the entire time, and picks her up and twirls her. “Win HOH for me.” Oh boy.

The interview with Brendon commences with saving himself over Rachel, and he says that “love is a crazy thing”. Enough with this bullshit! Julie presses by asking if they believed she could go farther than him, but he says he’d have a “little bit better chance of staying longer”. Daniele is brought up, and we know his opinion of her. “I think she’s still living in her dad’s shadow.” He thinks she’ll make it for a few more weeks, and Rachel will be gunning for her.

Final goodbyes start with Kalia, who is a bit full of herself as she says how much she’s happy he’s gone. “I genuinely have no clue why you’re so arrogant. There are a lot of things easier than rocket science. Apparently, getting you out of this house is one of them.” Not smart, girlfriend. Jordan talks about wanting an invitation to their wedding. Daniele is up next, and says nothing intelligent. Speaking of no smarts, Rachel finishes the segment by crying about how “at least our babies will see our love story on DVD.” Kill me now! Julie finishes by noting that this will be the longest time they’ve been apart since meeting, and Brendon says they’ll make it ok. Hmmm, keep Skype away from him.

Before the commercial break, though, Julie announces the new twist to the house. Hey Adam, enough of the jig! She informs them that the next houseguest evicted has a chance to return to the game. Not adding any more info, she then tells us how the four original evictees will be competing against next week’s evictee to return to the game. We get to vote on which of the four will be in this competition. Vote Cassi!!!

Finally, it is HOH time, and it’s called “Checkmate”. It’s a “face off” game, where two at a time go up to answer questions about the first three evictees. Jordan and Kalia are first up, and Kalia correctly chooses Dominic. Rachel and Lawon are up next, and this time Rachel is correct. Kalia and Adam are now up, and Adam is now out. Rachel and Porsche are now up, and Rachel yells out an expletive as she screws up her answer. Jeff and Shelly are now up, and Shelly is correct this time. Kali and Porsche come up, and Kalia is once again correct. She’s now up against Shelly for HOH, and Kalia is the new HOH!!! Rachel is not going to be happy about this!!!

We’re through for this week’s episode. What did you think of the editing? Are you happy Brendon is gone? What about Kalia’s surprise HOH victory? Please comment and let us know your thoughts.

Wednesday
Aug032011

Big Brother Season 13, Episode 12 Recap

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There was no recap for Sunday’s show. I had a good reason, though, as it was my nephew’s ninth birthday. Sure, I could have gone back and written something later, but our live recap of the “endurance” competition completely covered it, and that was over half the show. The other half was Brenchel bullshit, along with a touching Lawon cameo and an annoying “elf”, concluding with the nominations of Brendon and Rachel. Oh yeah, and the President made a cameo (for east coast viewers, at least).

Truth be told, I’m even less excited about tonight’s broadcast. America’s least favorite couple is bound to be the focus of 75% of it, especially with the attention-whoring stunts they pulled the past few days, and I’m beyond sick of them. Maybe we can get Obama to once again interrupt this travesty of a show.

So let’s start right off with the reaction to the nominations. You can pretty much write this segment yourself. Brendon promises to win the veto, and that Rachel will be coming after Daniele. Jeff isn’t shocked, and thinks Brenchel are a better target. He’s still worried about being backdoored. For some reason, Daniele thinks that she’s Robin Hood, “stealing from the rich to give to the poor”. Say what? She adds that the rest of the house is “too scared to make a big move. I think big moves take you really far in this game.” Of course, Rachel is in “tears” as she promises to come after Daniele as payback. “I’m back with Excalibur.” Um, ok. Nice job, diary room, in teaching her a new word.

The so-called “power couple” heads into the have-not room to whine about what happened, and Jeff and Jordan join them. Jordan says that this is not what she expected, and Rachel claims that Daniele wants to pull off a guy that “she can’t compete against”. Rachel says that if one of them wins veto, then Jeff will go up. “I’m not, I’m not an idiot.”

Shelly then walks in and asks what is up, and Brendon goes off on Daniele, saying she has “declared war on the house”. No, she’s doing you a favor. Brendon then jumps into cheese mode, saying that if he’s evicted they’ll still be married for the rest of their life. Ugh.

The others leave the room, and the romantic music kicks in as they embrace. It is pity party time, and Brendon says that if he wins the veto he’ll pull himself off. Oh God, this goes on as Brendon cries in the diary room. ENOUGH!!!

Wait, I started to fast forward as Brendon was babbling some big word, but I stopped as he said “I only know that because I’m a PHD student.” WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING??? Holy shit, these two are fucking disasters. The romantic music continues, and the vomit continues to rise up into my mouth.

Meanwhile, Jeff and Jordan are alone in another room, and Jordan is still shocked that one of them didn’t go up. Once again, we hear about how one of them will have to go up if they win veto. Jordan volunteers to be that person. Brendon and Rachel then walk in, and this week’s circular discussion carries on.

For some reason, Daniele heads downstairs to console Rachel, and says that she hopes Rachel doesn’t take it personally. In the diary room, Daniele adds that she was trying to cover her back for the future, but Rachel will have none of it as she whines about not making friends in the house. Yeah, this goes about as expected as Rachel complains about Daniele “tearing my heart out”. In the diary room, Rachel calls her a “mean girl”, and I can’t really understand anything else she has to say.

Thankfully, it was time for commercials, and when we return it’s time to pick veto players. Jeff says he wants to be picked for the competition to ensure that nominations stay the same. Sure enough, his name is the first name pulled…which pleases Daniele. “He knows if he doesn’t compete to his fullest, him or Jordan have a big possibility of ending up on the block.”

Rachel pulls out Adam’s name, and Brendon couldn’t be happier as he’s “one less person I have to worry about”. Brendon pulls out Porsche’s name, which causes another diary room screamfest from Rachel. This time, though, she’s screaming in excitement. Danielle chooses Lawon to be the host.

Before we get to the game, though, it’s time for more babbling about the situation from Jordan and Jeff. They decide to talk to her to remind her of their deal, but they both agree that next week they’ll go against it to nominate her. Jeff says the best plan would be to backdoor her. “Whoops!”

Ok, now it’s time to play the game as Lawon comes out wearing a Flavor Flav clock. They head outside to see an obstacle course of almost all the games they previously played. To play the game, everybody has to predict the time it will take them to complete each task. The person who predicted the quickest time performs the task, and If they go over, they’re out. If they make it through in time, then the person who chose the longest time is eliminated.

After hearing from everybody how they have to win, we finally get going. The gumball portion is first, Rachel chose the quickest time, so we have to listen to Brendon go on and on as he cheers heron. Kalia makes her weekly cameo as she says that’s probably how they’re like “in the sack”. Rachel makes it under the time she predicted, so the highest time (Adam) is out.

The second round is the “superhero puzzle”, and Rachel predicts an impossibly low time. Brendon is not happy with her. Needless to say, she doesn’t make it in the time she chose. The third round is the “hairy leg” spelling game, and Jeff knows this isn’t his expertise. After saying that she wanted to be slightly longer than Brendon, Daniele ends up being the lowest prediction. She doesn’t make it in time, and she’s out. Yep, Rachel is happy with this outcome.

Next up is the “cow milking” game, and this time Jeff does want to win. We get a flashback of Porsche and Keith’s embarrassment in the original game, and she picks a crazily high time. Jeff has the lowest time, and he “has” to win to protect him and Jordan. As time ticks away, we head to commercials.

When we return, the final seconds tick off…and Jeff’s milk bottle overflows just a second or so after his time is up. Daniele is bummed. It’s now Porsche and Brendon in the final golf round, and Brendon’s prediction is just two seconds shorter than Porsche. I think you know how this turns out. Yep, Brendon gets a ball in the hole with two seconds left. Yeah, this again gets sickening as Rachel straddles Brendon.

The celebration continues inside, and Brendon’s bright idea is to make everybody think that he’s going to use it on himself but instead use it on Rachel. Somehow, he thinks that will mess Daniele up. And again, we get the bullshit “knight in shining armor” crap.

Jeff is still beating himself over losing the veto, and they’re now worried that Brendon and Rachel will cut a deal with everybody to make sure both of them stay. Jeff thinks that Jordan has a lesser chance of going home if she’s nominated.

Kalia is now seen eating some of Daniele’s food (big surprise), and they’re surprised when Shelly knocks on their door. Immediately asking who Daniele wants to get booted, Daniele replies that it is in Brendon and Rachel’s hands. After she leaves, Daniele and Kalia talk about how “sketchy” she is. Suddenly, we’re led to believe that Shelly is a potential candidate for a nominee. Yeah, right. She decides to talk to Jeff and Jordan.

After another commercial break, Jeff and Jordan come up to visit Daniele. She informs them that she will do “whatever I can to keep you both here. I’m nervous because I hear that Brendon is taking himself off the block.” Jeff says that he’s heard that he’s pulling Rachel off, and Daniele asks them to find out exactly what they’re doing. Jordan volunteers to be the pawn, if she really is the pawn, but Daniele is worried that if Brendon doesn’t take down Rachel she could somehow pull off a victory.

They dutifully report to Brendon their conversation, and Brendon still claims that he’s taking himself down. Jordan says that Jeff and Brendon have the best chance at destroying the game. Brendon says that if she still wants to play with them, she should put up Lawon. Yeah, like that’s going to happen.

It’s now Brendon and Rachel’s turn to visit Daniele, and as she would say – “awwwwkward”. Brendon says that he’s going to use it on himself, and wants to know if Daniele is willing to work with them. Daniele’s response is that since she doesn’t vote, she doesn’t have any power. Brendon wants her to put up a floater, but Daniele doesn’t think that will save them. Daniele couldn’t look more disinterested as Brendon babbles on, but the background music is designed to make it sound like she’s actually considering Brendon’s bullshit.

Finally, we get to the moment of truth, and Brendon is still proud of himself as he talks about how he’s going to surprise everybody by using the veto to save Rachel. “This is going to be awesome!” No, it won’t. Daniele plays along, though, saying that it makes the choice of replacement nominee that much harder. Jeff is also worried because Rachel “will do anything to stay in this house”.

The veto meeting is called, and Brendon asks Rachel why he should save her. Why we have to endure this is beyond me, as of course he announces that he’s going to use it to save Rachel. Daniele then gets up and talks about how if she wasn’t HOH she would be the one on the block…and leaving on Thursday. She adds that she doesn’t want to make any new enemies, and nominates Jordan as the replacement nominee.

As we head to the final credits, Brendon continues to be proud of himself. He thinks that he “got” her, but Daniele says she couldn’t be happier. “My number one target is remaining on the block, and if I can single-handedly get the biggest threat out of the house, kudos to me”. Jordan says she has no clue…yeah, we know…and she hopes that she really is the pawn. The final word is on how Rachel feels like a “fairy tale princess because my knight in shining armor saved me from the wicked witch in the HOH room”. Oh please.

So that’s it. Tomorrow Brendon is (probably) going home, and we’re also promised a special visit from Evel Dick. What did you think of tonight’s episode? Are you ready for that conceited ass to head out the door? Who will be the next HOH?