Big Brother - Season 11, Episode 4 Recap

Here we are with the first eviction of the season, and quite possibly the earliest surprise of the history of the show. Just yesterday, I was thinking about how this episode was bound to be so predictable that I could write the majority of this recap hours before it aired.

As the evening transpired last night, though, the script almost completely flipped. What was originally a typical “vote with the house” mantra has almost turned into anarchy, with the key players being the two people least likely to lead anybody to do anything. One sort of hatched the plan; the other may be the person who foils it tonight.

So here we go with the usual recaps and a cheesy Julie intro before leading right into the aftermath of Lydia being replaced by Braden as nominee. Ronnie claims to be the “biggest schemer here”. Seriously, he’s way too full of himself. Braden is confused, as usual. Russell babbles some nonsense, and Lydia couldn’t be happier with Russell, which Braden notices. He now knows she probably backstabbed him.

At the same time, Jeff knows that Braden’s nomination was a stab at him, and Jordan seems to be more upset about the nomination than Braden. Others come in to hug him, and Jordan complains about how “somebody is going around starting stuff about everybody”. Ronnie acts extremely nervous as they throw out a few names of conspirators. “Me and Laura are a hot mess”, Jordan complains. She’s got a point there.

Braden says that people are jealous that he’s a good competitor, and Jordan tells him that he needs to get out there and talk to people. Meanwhile, Chima feels great about her chances of staying in the house. “I’m just going to lay low.”

Casey asks Lydia how she’s feeling, and Lydia complains how her “friend” Jordan wasn’t upset about Lydia’s nomination but is bawling over Braden’s nomination. Oh, get over yourself.

Braden and Russell are now alone in the kitchen, and Braden is asked if he knew he was going to be put up. He confirms that he did, and in the diary room says he believes that Lydia betrayed him. Russell says he’s not convinced they have all the votes they need, so he says in the diary room that he’s trying to get Braden riled up enough to create a scene.

Sure enough, on a boring afternoon Kevin and Lydia are talking about their lives, and Braden interrupts them to complain about how they sold him out. Lydia denies that she set him up, although old footage shows her throwing out his name. Braden tells her to tattoo on her leg “week 2” or “week 3” because that’s when she’ll be leaving.

Things are relatively calm until Braden throws out Kevin’s name, and that sets Lydia off. “I’m being considerate to him, but you’re just a bitch and a skank.” Kevin says in the diary room that he doesn’t like it when people attack others, and we then see Lydia and Braden scream at each other, and then Kevin and Braden start yelling. (Actually, this is an extremely edited version of the fight.)

After commercials, we go back to Lydia entering the house right after her fight with Braden to scream at Jordan for awhile. Jordan looks confused, but that’s pretty normal. Remember, Lydia’s whole problem with Jordan is because she didn’t cry when she was nominated. Come on. Jordan gets even more confused as the conversation continues, but she runs into another room to further the fight. “I have not done one thing to you! I should not be in the middle of it!” Now Lydia claims to be the calm one. Ok, for that very moment you were, but that’s still a silly comment. Kevin adds that after what was said, he better not see Jordan talk to Braden.

Now Kevin and Lydia start yelling at Jeff, who has no clue what’s going on. This is just getting silly. Kevin claims that he may end up leaving because she’s friends with Jeff. His response is that by selling out Braden and Jeff, Lydia may now end up leaving soon. Finally, Lydia says she “is closed for the rest of the damned day”. Thank God.

Now Jordan has finally awakened a bit, realizing that since Braden is on her team his departure would hurt her. She then enlists Laura to help her save Braden, who seems to be open to the idea. “It’s time to take their reigns from them (athletes) and take control of the house.”

Laura then goes to Ronnie with this plan (big mistake), and he says it’s a good idea because he can “control” Michelle. He says in the diary room, though, that anything he does has to be good for him.

Jordan thinks she almost has enough votes, and just needs to get Casey’s vote. He listens to Jordan and Laura, but doesn’t commit. He claims to be the swing vote, and I guess he sort of is, but it’s another house guest who probably is the questionable vote.

Julie now greets the house guests, and asks the “athletes” about the fight between Russell and Jeff. Russell responds some nonsense about “unsaid things”, and that he doesn’t expect a “postcard on my birthday”. Ugh. Jeff’s response is that “his mother told him that if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything”. This brings out a laugh from everybody.

The Jordan/Lydia fight is brought up next, and Jordan answers in her usual nonsensical way. “But we’re fine now”. Are you?

When we return from commercials (and enough with this Julia Child movie promo), we get to hear Jessie babble from the HOH bedroom. He’s asked about how he’s doing this year compared to last, and he laughs at his own joke about the “target being a little bigger than last summer”. What? Julie then asks who is the brains of the athletes, and while saying that Russell is smart “I’m not going to sell myself short here”. Hmmmm. Thankfully, that was a short segment.

It’s time for the nominees to plead their cases, and Braden is up first. For the first time this season, he actually talks in complete sentences! He admits to mistakes, and says he wants to stick around to prove himself. Chima then gets up and complains how “short some of the memory spans are in here because my opponent called both of my very good friends (bleep) and (bleep). A vote for Braden is a vote for a racist.” Oh my. Julie calls it the most memorable speech ever given. I call it idiotic.

The votes start with Russell, who votes to evict Braden, as does Natalie. Jeff votes to evict Chima, as does Jordan. It’s now 2 -2 as we go to commercials. When we return, Kevin votes to evict Braden, while Laura votes to evict Chima. As expected, Lydia votes to evict Braden, and Michelle votes against Chima.

Now we get to the swing votes. Casey wants to evict Chima’s “melodramatic behind”, and Ronnie almost cries as he votes to evict Braden. Oh God, it’s a split decision, which means that Jessie is the deciding vote. Obviously, he chooses to boot Braden.

It’s the usual hugs and kisses as he grabs his bags, and in the background we see Lydia hugging Chima. The house is pretty subdued as we wait for the post-eviction interview with Braden, who Julie says whispered “we have a lot to talk about” as he walked in. Julie asks who he thinks sold him out, and Braden thinks it’s either Ronnie, Michelle, or Casey. He’s not surprised to hear that it’s Ronnie - “there’s something hiding behind that smirk…he’s a great liar”. Asked for one word to describe his stay, he responds “discombobulated”. We end with the dumb goodbye messages, which are the usual clichés.

As always, we head towards the end of the show with the HOH competition, which (as expected) is a question format called “Homecoming”. Using online polling, each team has to guess what “we” picked as “the most likely to…”. Jordan looks confused as the rules are read. Oh right, she always looks that way.

The first question is about which clique would skip school because of a zit. Laura correctly answers “populars”, and eliminates Chima. The next question is which clique would misspell “athlete”, and after a bit of confusion Jeff correctly answers and eliminates Kevin.

Question three is about which clique would “bail on the prom”, and Laura chooses the offbeats. She now eliminates Russell. The next question is about missing curfew because of Star Wars, and Casey correctly guesses the brains. Natalie is now eliminated.

They’re now asked which clique would most likely start a food fight. Laura incorrectly chooses athletes, and she’s eliminated. The next idiotic question is about naked inspirational speeches. Casey buzzes in, and correctly says athletes, and eliminates Jeff. They’re now out of players.

Who would spend the most time with a mirror is then asked, and Lydia eliminates Jordan by choosing the populars. The populars are now out. Ronnie then correctly answers about which group would most likely blow off a date to go shopping, and Casey is now out.

Question nine is about who would take first place in the high school talent show, and Michelle is correct by choosing the offbeats. Because they’re the only competitors left, Michelle and Ronnie now have to go against each other. The final question is which clique would most likely be missing from the yearbook, and Ronnie correctly chooses the offbeats. He’s the new Head of Household! Oh Lord, this will be an interesting week!

We conclude with one last look at the house, and the announcement that last year’s winner (Dan) will be coming in the house to surprise them. This last look is not real interesting, as they’re all just hanging out in the backyard.

See you Sunday!

Big Brother - Season 11, Episode 3 Recap

Welcome to the first Tuesday night episode of the season. Generally, this is an episode chock full of filler, but we actually have more material to deal with than usual. Besides the POV competition and meeting, we have a good-sized blowup that occurred between those two events (“technocratic, baby!”). Plus, I have a feeling we’re going to get more info on the “green” theme (guaranteed to be chock full of Chima’s whining).

You know the opening drill - repeat everything that happened on the first two episodes in a ninety-second recap, and then we finally proceed with the reactions to the nominations of Lydia and Chima, who claims she “volunteered” herself to be a pawn. Laura thinks she “dodged a bullet” by not being nominated. Chima adds that high school “works” by having the athletes targeting the “nerds”. Jeff feels like an outsider in his own group because he had no clue that Lydia and Chima were going up, while Russell says the situation is a “wakeup call”.

Lydia walks away in tears with Braden, who gives her a hug. She’s joined by Jordan, who says “I know you’re not going home”. Lydia blames her nomination on her tattoos, so it really is just like high school. She tells Jordan she doesn’t want to see her cry. Jeff and Kevin also walk in and also tell her there’s no way she’s going home.

Meanwhile, Chima is in the other room with Ronnie and Michelle bitching because nobody is consoling her. She adds in the diary room that although her alliance is assuring her she’s safe, she’s still going to fight for the power of veto. “It’s the only way I can guarantee my safety.”

Chima and Ronnie now go into the storage room to wonder about whether Jeff would betray her own team. For some reason, he also whispers that he’s a national champion in persuasive speaking. Oh boy.

Casey walks into one of the bedrooms where Laura and Russell are talking. Laura thought for sure she was going to be put up. “Why? What did I do? Is it because I have big boobs?” Casey laughs in the diary room that she believes she’s being targeted because she’s pretty. “It’s hard being beautiful sometimes”, he says sarcastically. “It’s not my fault I have big boobs”, she complains.

Now we’re back up to Meathead Central, and both Jessie and Russell are complaining that Jeff is hanging out with Jordan and Lydia. They’re worried that their plans will fall through, and Chima will end up going home. He babbles a lot of his usual nonsense, and Russell informs her of Laura’s paranoia. They decide that they need to be brought in “while the iron is hot”.

Laura is then brought up into the HOH in her white hot pants and extremely low cut top. Oh yeah, and heels. Jessie goes on about how they need her because he’s just pissed off the whole house, including oen of their own. Laura brags that she’s a good competitor, but admits in the diary room that she needs to suck up to them. “We need winners on our team”, Jessie tells her.

After the first commercial break, we have filler time. Braden is wandering around in tight leather pants, and we then see a whole segment of him acting like a buffoon. I told you we’d have filler tonight. Russell does say that the fact he’s fun makes him a huge threat.

So now it’s time to pick the players for the veto competition, and Jessie struggles to read the script. Lydia says she doesn’t want an athlete to play because they’re the ones who put her up. Oh, they do use the bag after all (despite what the rumors were saying). Jessie pulls out Russell, but Chima nabs “houseguest choice” and picks Natalie. Michelle is not happy that she didn’t pick a member of her team. Lydia then pulls out Jeff’s name, and Jessie chooses Casey to be the host.

They then head outside (actually much later in the day), and Lydia describes the scene as a “giant face” with oozing eyes and acne cream. As usual, Chima is disgusted, but in the diary room she is all joking as she laughs that the acne-covered face looks like her high school picture.

Inside the pimples are a bunch of tiles with letters. The winner is the person who spells the longest word with the letters they grab. Yeah, it’s that thrilling.

We get the whole speech from everybody how important this contest is, but Chima stands up for bragging about how vocabulary is one of her traits since she’s a “freelance” writer. Um, my dear, all I’ve seen from you are bad interviews with C-list hip-hop stars. Don’t flatter yourself.

I won’t bore you with the play-by-play, but they all complain about how gross it was to wade through the “zits”. After the ten minutes was up, we find out that Jesse misspelled “continuously”. Casey has a good laugh over it. Natalie correctly spelled “last”, which makes Ronnie laugh. Chima wanted to spell “superficiality” but “couldn’t find all the letters”. What an idiotic move. Russell correctly spelled “shotgun” to take the lead.

Jeff is up next, but he couldn’t find all the letters to spell “technotronics”. Russell bitches about this in the diary room…and will again later in this episode. Lydia is the last person to reveal her word, and she’s about four letters short of “civilization”. “Shotgun Russell the Love Muscle” has won the POV! Ugh! Lydia promises, though, to do anything she has to do to get off the block. Jessie poses, as usual.

When we return from commercials, Russell and crew (including Laura) celebrate in the HOH. Laura is convinced that Jeff threw it because he can’t possibly be that stupid. Russell agrees, or maybe “he’s a complete moron”.

Jeff, meanwhile, is flirting with Jordan, who is rubbing his feet. Russell walks in, and is pissed that he’s spending so much time with people outside his team. This is the perfect setup to something that happened a full day later. Jeff and Russell are both working out, and they’re giving each other the evil eye. Russell admits in the diary room that he’s setting this up to make Jeff look bad, and starts yelling “technotronics”. Jeff is calm at first, pointing out that Russell spelled an easy word. (Please don’t take a drink every time you hear the word “technocratic”, as you’ll be drunk in 30 seconds.)

Finally, Russell walks away, and it’s now Natalie’s turn to start in on him. Jeff asks what he’s done to anger his team, and it goes around and around like a typical Big Brother fight. Natalie finally says Jeff’s lucky he’s on their team, or it would be him that would be put up. “Every one on my team can fuck off”, Jeff finally yells as we fade to commercial.

With little time remaining in the show, it’s time for Lydia to turn up the charm. “I’m willing to do whatever it takes to get myself off the block.” She starts by rubbing Russell’s shoulders. She babbles to him about how much she likes him, but Russell instead turns it into who would put him up. He also lies and says it was the other athletes that wanted him out. To Lydia, that means that Natalie doesn’t want “another strong woman” to be in the house, so she needs to step it up. Interesting theory. They go back and forth about how things change in the house every day. Natalie then enters, and gets the evil eye from Lydia.

Lydia now goes up into the HOH and begins to complain about how he lets Natalie dictate his actions. Natalie walks in at that very moment because she wants to go to bed. Lydia takes the opportunity to question why she was put up instead of Laura. For the fourth or fifth time, Natalie says she doesn’t lie (oh really?) and that she’s never talked shit about her. Lydia calls her out on this, and again we get the usual back and forth. Jesse adds that he doesn’t believe all of her actions (massage, etc.) were “not sincere”. Lydia says in the diary room that she knows she has to redirect the negative feelings to others, and points out Jeff and Braden. She says she doesn’t feel bad throwing out Braden’s name because “it’s survival of the fittest”. Jessie tells Lydia they’ll discuss it further.

Russell is now brought up into the HOH, and is informed of the discussion. He seems to think Braden should be their target, and by taking Lydia down she’ll owe them. Natalie seems to agree because Braden is “persuasive as hell”.

Ronnie is then asked by Russell about targeting Braden, and of course he agrees. Ronnie says the backyard incident showed how Russell is a “loose cannon”, and by agreeing to his plan he’s showing them what a “valuable asset” he can be. Yet, he goes right to Jeff and Jordan with this news, and they immediately bring Braden in to tell him. In the diary room, Braden claims that Russell is “jealous” of him. Ronnie quickly adds that nobody should know that he was the informant, but Russell noticed the two of them talking. He brings Ronnie into the storage room to ask him if he told Braden, and of course he quickly denies it. Russell doesn’t seem to believe him, and gives him the evil eye as he eats.

Jessie then enters the kitchen, and Russell takes him into the storage room to tell him that Braden now knows. They talk about how Ronnie talks to everybody all the time, and even tried to follow them into the storage room. Hell, even Russell says he’s acting stupid.

It’s finally time for the POV meeting, and it follows the usual script. Russell is shown contemplating his decision in front of the wall of photos, and babbles about how the decision is going to be what works best for him. Ronnie says he’s worried because he “rolled the dice”, and then everybody is called in. Lydia hopes her conversations with the athletes will save her, and Braden babbles how if he is put up he’ll “take it like a man”.

Both nominees babble the usual garbage about how they’d like to go down but would respect Russell’s decision. He then announces that he’s going to use the veto on Lydia, and Jessie then announces that Braden is indeed the new nominee “due to today’s current events” (whatever that means). The nominees (and former nominee) babble the usual stuff about fighting to stay in the house.

So ends the veto meeting, and the episode. See you Thursday when Braden (probably) gets the boot!

Big Brother - Season 11, Episoode 2 Recap

Welcome back, my friends! It’s time for episode two of the season, and the producers have a ton of material to show us. We’re going to see the reactions to Jessie’s entrance into the house, the ramifications of losing the HOH competition, and the initial reactions to each other that leads to what we’ve been reporting here since the feeds were turned on Thursday night. Oh yeah, and we’ll see Jesse’s nominations (and rumor has it we’ll see the veto completion, but I doubt that).

Ugh, same opening as always. Isn’t it time the production team hired some new blood? Oh, silly boobalicious Laura - “nine out of ten girls hate me because of the way I look”.

After the recap, we do indeed see Jesse enter the house amid a few incredulous screams. Lydia and Kevin aren’t so excited, though. “I hate Jessie”, complains Kevin. “A meathead. A guy I couldn’t connect with.” I now have a new opinion on Kevin. Lydia says that somehow she needs to find common ground with him.

Ugh, Jesse really hasn’t changed. Bragging away in the diary room, stripping off his shirt. Get over yourself, dude. Russels is happy, though, because he’s a “pretty neat cat”. Natalie, meanwhile, sees Jesse as an advantage for herself and her team. Ronnie is also excited because he “knows his weaknesses. I’m stronger than Jesse. I can outthink Jesse.” Oh boy.

Lydia attempts to make small talk with Jesse, which leads Russell to complain how she’s kissing up to him. Meanwhile, Ronnie brings in Michelle and Chima to suggest bringing in the “athletes” to carry through the game. Really, Ronnie? You’re going to carry Jesse and Co.?

Jeff has a conversation with Jesse, who claims that Jeff knows each other more than he does. Um, they just met an hour or so before he came into the house. Jeff’s not so crazy with the idea of reporting who is talking about him.

And now we go to the boring “who wants to see my HOH” segment. Kevin says it’s “super zen”, and Casey is envious because Jesse didn’t have to do anything to get into it. Ugh, I hate when Jesse talks like people are ten years old. He just hates that everybody is envious of him.

Ronnie is now in the bedroom with Jordan, Michelle and Lydia complaining about how he hated high school because he played video games. Michelle complains that in high school people spread rumors that she was a lesbian. Isn’t that because you’re so smart? Jordan can’t relate, and says she treated everybody the same, even if they had tattoos or had glasses. Sure you did. Ronnie thinks that this clique split can show America how everybody is really the same. God, did CBS script that for him?

So now Ronnie is waiting for Jesse upstairs to ensure his safety. He immediately throws Michelle and Chima under the bus, saying they have “no gameplay”. He guarantees those three votes to anybody he wants out the door. Again, we hear Ronnie talk about how this game is an “opportunity” to work with the kinds of people who hated him in high school. Oh Lord.

After a commercial break, we see Lydia and Kevin complaining again about how much they hated high school…and how tough it is to deal with people like Jesse. They’ve both been judged too much in their lives. I guess having tattoos is just like being gay. “There’s more than meets the eye”, she says.

Now it’s Russell’s turn to kiss Jesse’s ass, and they immediately form a mutual admiration society. Russell immediately says that Lydia should be on the block because she’s so smart. Russell says in the diary room that the two of them together are unstoppable.

Jesse now plays chess with Natalie with a crowd gathered to watch. Laura asks who the hottest guy in the house, and Kevin says it’s Jeff. It’s clear what name Jesse wants to hear, and Laura doesn’t disappoint. I have to give Jesse credit - he saw right through it as a “desperate attempt”. Jesse beats Natalie, and then brags how nobody can beat him. They all pretend to eat it up, and Natalie’s flirtations continues. It’s obviously working, as Jesse says in the diary room that he can see a “lot of my attributes” in her.

Now we see them together in the HOH bed, talking about who they should align with. They both agree on Ronnie, since he’s no threat, and we now see Ronnie telling Chima how he set it up for them. Oh god, cliché time. “Actions always speak better than words.” Again, it’s a “great opportunity”.

Ronnie and Chima then interrupt Natalie and Jesse, and Natalie asks them about being a pawn to “hide the brains alliance with the athletes”. Really, in the first week you want to hide alliances. Chima is obviously not comfortable with this idea, but Ronnie is smart enough to know that all too often the pawn ends up going home.

Jesse gathers the troops after another commercial break to announce the details of what used to the food competition. The clique who loses the competition now loses more than just food. It’s a “have and have not” competition now. Kevin’s not happy, but everybody does have fun caking on their “war paint”, especially Lydia.

They’re even more impressed by the “rave-like” setup outside. The athletes aren’t playing, so they get to “chill” in the VIP area. There’s neon lights that spell the word “have”, and using pipes they have to light it up. The last-place clique is the first “have nots”. Ronnie’s “fairly confident” because he’s a smart guy. Yeah, but you don’t have a Phd.

So the game commences, and Jordan has no clue with the instructions she’s being given. Casey’s team seems to do well because, as Lydia puts it, he “has that teaching and coaching ability”. The brains aren’t doing so well, though, even with Ronnie’s plan to work in a “linear” fashion.

Casey says he saw they were doing well, and that the other teams weren’t doing well at all. “It was a complete mess”, explains Michelle. Casey’s team fit’s the final piece and celebrates their win. Braden says that he was looking at the game like it was a bunch of “Lincoln logs”, and they indeed are ahead of the brainiacs. Ronnie, meanwhile, is creating nothing short of a mess. Needless to say, the Populars come in second place.

With the game over, Jesse describes how not only are they on slop but they get cold showers and must sleep in the “have not” room. Chima’s pissed, saying she can’t deal with it. Michelle complains how she’s such a sore loser.


They walk back into the house to see a huge pot of slop, and the “barren” room they must live in. “By the end of the week, I will be in a straitjacket”, complains Chima. Ronnie is fairly upbeat, while Jesse brags about how hot he looks in his pink tights. Ugh. Chima can’t live in such circumstances, she says, and just wants to go home now. Casey laughs in the diary room about how the “princess” is acting.


We return from commercials with the footage we saw Thursday night on Showtime - the “bikini competition”. Oh yeah, it’s very nice. Laura eats it up, but outside of her oversize breasts Michelle is just as hot. Jesse immediately realizes that she’ll use her “assets” to survive in the house, but “whatever she’s selling, I’m not buying”. (Funny thing is, that’s the only time I’ve seen Laura smile, let alone wear something provocative.)

Jesse is now alone in the kitchen with Laura, who again attempts to flirt with Jesse. She asks him if he can tell who are the people just kissing up to him. Um, yeah, he does, and it’s you, my dear. Laura complains in the diary room about how he doesn’t seem to want to talk to him, but clearly it’s because it’s a “school boy game, and it’s going to get him attention if he’s rude to me”. No, dummy, it’s because he can see through you.

Jesse is now upstairs with Natalie and Lydia, who offers to give him a massage. “That’s definitely a way to get closer to him, and talk to him”, she explains. Again, we hear Jesse talk about how everybody is going to kiss his ass this week since he’s HOH. She admits in the diary room that she’s being nice to him to find out where she stands with him.

After showing a sign that says “nominations today”, we cut to Natalie, Jesse, and Russell debating the nominees. Natalie, the spokesperson for Team Jesse, explains how somebody from the Brains is definitely going up as a pawn. Right now, it’s between Laura and Lydia. Russell wants Lydia because she’s “playing the game” whereas Laura is doing nothing. Russell claims he’s “running the show from the backgrounds”. Um, yeah. Jesse claims in the diary room that he’s going to do what’s best for Jesse instead of listening to them. Are ya?

It’s now nomination time, and again the script hasn’t been changed from previous seasons. Laura is worried, but says if “Jesse is playing hardball, he’s playing with the wrong girl”. Ronnie is hoping that Chima is indeed the pawn, while Lydia believes she’s safe. Russell again claims that he’s running the show, while Braden babbles in surfer speak.

Jesse babbles some more about loyalty and retaliation. It’s really no different than we heard from him last year. He then announces it’s time for the ceremony, and we see (in order) Michelle, Braden, Kevin, Ronnie, Jordan, Laura, and Casey pull their keys.

Jesse admits that he doesn’t have much to go by since this is the first week, and really doesn’t give any other excuses. Chima knows that pawns “have a tendency to go home”, and Ronnie brags how the nominations are “the best thing ever!”. Lydia is tearful because there’s no reason for her to go out this early. Braden babbles more surfer speak. Can somebody please translate? Jesse babbles some more Jesse-ism, and then we conclude the episode. Funny how NOTHING from the commercial was used!!!

See you all Tuesday!!!

Big Brother - Season 11, Episode 1 Recap

Has it really been a year already? Oh yeah, it’s only been ten months. While time has flown since we last saw the Big Brother house, it seems like an eternity since Dan Gheesling was crowned the winner of season ten.

I must say that CBS has done a great job at building up season 11. Besides the usual round of news articles and TV appearances (besides last night’s lackluster Julie Chen “announcement” about the sex of her child), the network and producers have dropped enough hints about house activities that even the most lukewarm BB fan has to be excited for this evening’s episode.

While CBS is hyping the “green” theme of this season, what has most fans chattering online is the news that former HG’s are inside the house. Every day has seen a handful of new rumors - some thrilling, others frightening. If the latest rumors are indeed true, I’m a bit scared for the season. Or at least the first few days. Please don’t let it be true that ***** is in the house!!!

Uh oh, bad news for me. Just minutes before the start of the show, my cable company interrupted all channels with weather alerts. This could be a frustrating hour for me.

So here we go!!! Same set, same Julie stance, and just a bit of a pregnancy bump. Oh god, she has to make a bad joke about her “expecting”. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we know how the show works. Um, just by the wall pics I know who I will inevitably hate, but I’ll keep it to myself for now.

Julie starts by sort of explaining the four cliques - jocks, outcasts, etc. - and we then see the HG’s receiving their “keys”. Ok, I do know I’m going to hate ultimate nerd boy Ronnie. But I do love Jordan (but Laura is an overly-big implant disappointment)! Overall, it’s the same scripted clichés we hear every year, although I do like Laura’s comment about white rappers right before Casey‘s beat boxing disaster.

After Julie’s first “but first”, we get to see everybody walk in. ZZZZZZZZZZZZ! Julie has them all look around at everybody, then has them enter in groups of four. Yes, it’s that same screaming with excitement stuff we’re all used to. One word of advice - settle down, Ronnie! Kevin likes him, though. Lydia’s not liking the “splish splash” room, though, and Braden immediately volunteers to bed with three women.

They crack open a bottle of champagne, and begin telling their stories. Russell doesn’t seem to like Ronnie, but I’m sure the feeling is mutual. Casey doesn’t really like Chima, too. Michelle thinks it’s smart to downplay just how smart she is. Oh boy. That always works. Natalie decides to lie about her age to hide that she’s a champion tae kwan do-er. WTF? Hahahahaha - Kevin sees through her! Now he makes a crack about Laura’s giant boobs. Maybe I like this guy after all! Jordan says Jeff is “Days of Our Lives” cute - what does that even mean? (I still love her, though!)

After a commercial break, it’s time for Julie to inform them of the “high school clique” twist. This should go down well. (Enough with the “will change the game unlike ever before” crap!) Nice bad camera work when Julie mentions age. (Oh, and enough with the overly-dramatic pauses.) At least one part of the rules is clarified - whomever is in the same clique as the HOH can’t be nominated for eviction. Even the cast is pissed when Julie announces they’ll find out later which clique they’re in.

Most of the cast begins immediately groaning. Lydia is clearly not happy, and Kevin complains how he hated high school. Nice reference, Lydia. She wants Kevin in her group, so he can be “her Ducky” to “her Molly”. Quick, which movie is she referring to? Braden really seems to be a brain surgeon, and Ronnie believes he’s the smartest person in the house. Michelle again announces that she’s so smart. Yeah, we get it. You have a Phd. Natalie is still worried her age “secret” will be revealed, and again Casey reminds us how old he is. Ok, this is going on long enough. Can we please get this over with?

Finally, Julie returns to inform them of their groupings. They head out to the backyard, and nobody is really surprised with their cliques. Natalie downplays her tae kwan do background to Russell., and Lydia’s mood changes when she indeed is put into the “offbeat” group. Ugh, Casey. We get it. You think you’re hip with the youngsters. OMG, Michelle again has to brag about how smart she is, and Chima just has to point out that she was also popular. I hate hate hate her.

Julie comes in to announce the first HOH competition. A few people gasp when Julie tells them to “step into their underwear”, but unfortunately it’s not what they were thinking. The competition is called “The Wedgie”, and they have to hang onto their toilet seat as they’re being hung by their oversized underwear. But wait, the winner won’t actually be HOH, which completely confuses everybody. Julie promises to introduce us to four “familiar” faces after the break.

OMG, the rumors are true - Cowboy is indeed one of the four returning HG’s. And he thinks he was robbed of a victory. Dear Lord. Cute, but annoying Jessica is the second person introduced, and she thinks she was robbed of a win because of America’s Player. Um, no. BB10’s Brain is the third returning HG, and he feels he lost because he played too hard. Well, at least he’s being realistic.

The final returning HG is, unfortunately, Jesse. Yes, we get it. You have muscles. Oh god, I forgot just how much he annoyed me. He really hasn’t gotten any smarter.

Julie calls it their “Big Brother Do-over”, and she explains how they’re aligned with the cliques. Not only do they get to enter the house if their corresponding clique wins, they also get to be the first HOH. Julie then also explains this scenario to the house. The HG’s are then raised, and Russell and Laura immediately start whining. Braden says he wants to slap Laura’s ass. Um, sure you do. Casey claims that the girls have an advantage due to “obvious reasons”. Note to
Casey - enough with the homeboy talk.

The smartest girl in the house drops first, followed by Ronnie. Only Chima is left in the “brains” category, and she complains about how she should have had better teammates. Julie announces that the former HG’s get to choose contestants to get “super wedgies”, which means that their platforms start to move up and down. Come on, Julie, this is silly.

We do get a nice shot at Casey grabbing his junk, and Lydia then falls, followed by Jordan. Kevin is the next to go, leaving Casey as the only “off-beater” remaining. Jeff then falls, and Julie now has the former HG’s choose another round of “super wedgies”. The “athletes” get three of these, but Chima is the next to fall. Poor Brian.

Casey wants to fall, but for some reason Russell tells him to hang on. He still drops, though, and thankfully Cowboy is eliminated. It’s now the “populars” versus the “athletes”. I never thought I’d say this, but GO POPULARS!

After another set of commercials, we hear Laura brag about how they’re going to win! Yeah, sure. Kevin complains that the offbeats are going to be the targets “just like it was in high school”. Natalie begins to show off, and even Russell says she’s going a bit overboard. You think? Both Braden and Laura say they’re ready to drop, and sure enough Laura does indeed fall. She claims she could have held on, but doesn’t want a “target on her back”. Um, your target’s on your front, my dear.

Everybody is now starting to feel the pain…just as we viewers are watching this dullfest. Braden finally falls, making the athletes the victors. Oh, the humanity!!! We’re now forced to deal with Jesse for another season!!!

> Yeah, yeah, yeah. We could be targets. Blah blah blah. The typical post-contest blather. Julie then announces that it’s a former HG, and Lydia immediately catches on that it’s Jesse. Natalie hopes it’s Matty. Jesse is then allowed to walk into the house with lots of dramatic music, but we don’t get to see the silliness.

And scene. That’s the end of the first episode of season 11 of Big Brother. What do you think of this year’s HG’s? Or the twist?