The prospect of watching tonight's episode frightens me. Seriously, I'm almost panic-stricken. Why? It's not due to the fact that I'm going to have to view that dimwit Shane actually attempt to strategize. No, that's almost funny. It's also not the inevitable whinefest that is Britney fail another challenge. Nope, I'm almost used to it.
What scares me is a little Southern cliche whose "teaching" skills clearly doesn't include English. I've complained about this all season, but the words that come out of Daniele's mouth sounds to me like a mixture of taliban terrorists, Game of Thrones peasants, and Charlie Brown's teacher. The noises just don't make any sense, which is probably her only saving grace as I can't imagine my reactions if I COULD understand her.
Unfortunately, this episode is bound to include way too much of this southern inbred (my apologies to non-inbred southerners), as she has attached herself to our current HOH, Shane, as if she's a little poodle on his lengthy chain (which, by the way is also one of her 50 Shades of Grey fantasies).
If there are lengthy gaps in my timeline tonight, it is simply because it's become easier to skip her segments than to try to run them through my "moron interpreter". So let's jump right into this episode, and the always-predictable reactions to Jojo's ouster...which means the first portion of the show I can't transcribe. After Daneile's nonsense, Frank describes his week as "pretty spectacular", as two people from Britney's team left her only Shane. For some reason, Shane says that was almost "teary-eyed" as she left. Oh, and we have ot listen to Britney do what she does best - whine and whine some more.
We then jump to the conclusion of the HOH contest, which Shane won and was immediately dry-humped by Britney. Now we get happy, cocky Britney in the diary room. Frank, though, isn't as happy although he claims to have a bit of a deal with him. Ugh, Joe has to add his two cents. Oh wait, I mean YELL his two cents about what a "buzzkill" Shane's victory means to him.
The next shot is in the storage room, and Daniele is now the one dry-humping Shane. We're talking pelvic thrusts...on her side at least. Shane doesn't seem the least bit interested. Shane plays up to his phony stereotype, though, saying that last week his focus was on Jojo but with her gone he's going to play with Daniele this week. Gag me, please!
The mood is more dire in the bedroom, as Jenn (who?), Joe, and g-string clad Wil are not happy about the turn of events. Wil says that Shane has gone "from the hunted to the hunter", and that his targets are Janelle and Boogie's players. "I'm afraid he sees me as a shiny white doe that can be taken out in one shot. I'm screwed. Get me some camouflage, folks."
Boogie isn't so worried, though, because of the secret deals he and Frank made with Shane. He says in the diary room that while he has to mope around the house, he's not worried at all.
Time for more Britney whining, as she's complaining to Ashley how she's "so tired" of this and that and this and that. For feed watchers, this is a constant line of vomit from her pretty little mouth. She's going to make sure, though, that this week Boogie and Janelle's teams know what it feels like to be on the block. "I'm going to make sure that this week things get stirred up." For once, Ashley is a voice of reason, as she complains how Britney is "drunk with power. It's kind of scary."
HOH room reveal time. You folks all know how I feel about this.
Once this dogshit segment ends, Joe is now complaining to Janelle that he and Wil will be those on the block. Janelle decides she needs to rebuild her friendship with Britney.
Uh oh, creepy filler time again. Shane is shirtless as usual in the HOH, and Daniele can't hide the lust in her creepy eyes. Britney and Dan have a laugh about the sexual tension in the room. Too bad all the tension is one-sided. Britney decides to talk game play, and wants to put up one player from Boogie and Janelle's teams. She asks Dan who is the best person to go up, and Dan's response is the "most likely to win this game" - Frank and Wil. Before the topic can go any further, Shane pipes up and says he can't nominate Frank. "Wil is definitely going up because it's going to cripple Janelle." Britney argues that Frank is a much bigger threat, and Dan adds that they should want him out. Shane wants nothing to do with it, as he understands why Frank nominated him last week.
More filler, as Joe has decided to cook breakfast in bed for Shane and Britney. After his typical diary room screams, Boogie says he's never seen such a pathetic ass-kissing. Yep, sir, you're correct. Too bad he interrupted a "nice dream about Carmen Elektra" that Shane was having. Yeah, right.
And even more filler, as we get tonight's crazy chat from Ashley. She's a hippie chick who has something called a "Dreamboard" but loves rap music. Supposedly, this dreamboard thing resulted in her getting an iPhone. Um, wow.
Back to game talk, as Frank is now in the HOH with Shane, who says Wil is his number one target and that Britney wants him to also put up Frank. He wants to "stay true to my word", and that he'll vote against Wil if that makes him happy.
OMG, more Daniele filler! Fast forward. Fast forward...even if Jenn discussing coming out to her mother is involved in this segment. Wait, Daniele is scared of lesbians???
Back to game talk, even if Daniele is involved. She's lying in bed with Shane, and he says that he has to "make a big move". She thinks Wil and Frank would be the best move so it would cause Boogie and Janelle to go at each other. Again, Shane wants nothing to do with nominating Frank. Daniele isn't happy, and we're led to believe that he may be reconsidering. Oh, and these two dopes made a final two deal. Yep, that will happen.
Coach's comp time, and they're now all dressed as if they're in an Olivia Newton-John exercise video. In each round they have to do reps on an exercise machine.. The coach with the least reps is out, but they do get to pick a prize.
The first round is somewhat similar to a bucking bronco, and let's just say it appears that Janelle has done her share of ridin', if you know what I mean. When the time ends, Britney is in last place, and in her locker she has won the right to pick this week's slop recipients. Before she can make a choice, Ian (again) volunteers. Joe is her second choice, and Ian says that his strategy in taking the slop is that people will keep him around if he's willing to take punishments.
The second round is a back-to-back hip roll, and this time Boogie is out. His prize is a cash reward of $10,000 for himself and two players. He takes the six thousand, and gives three thousand to Ian and a grand to Jenn. For some reason, Ian tears up. Dude, you're playing for a half-million. Three grand is nothing.
The final round, then, is Janelle versus Dan, and this exercise involves working a lever back and forth with their tongues. Yeah, we know who is better at working that muscle. Um, eww It should be obvious to all that Janelle wins this round (107-45)...and the competition! Dan's prize is a sushi party for five people, and he chooses the coaches (so they're not alone without him around), along with Shane and Daniele. The most important decision, though, is Janelle's, who gets to either save or trade a player. Her decision is to save Wil from nomination this week. Shane, Frank, and Joe are not happy!
The house walks back into the house and discovers the lamest Have-not food in Big Brother history - salmon and Fruit Loops. Oh, I see. It has to do with Boogie's arguement with Willie two weeks ago. You just can't let the wild man go without some type of mention, can you CBS?
Up in the HOH, Joe and Janelle are groveling. Joe is just not good at this game, though. Janelle's move is to remind Shane what Frank did the previous week, and it probably doesn't hurt that her breasts are hanging all over the place. She offers safety for a week, but Britney is shooting daggers her way...or at least one of her eyes is pointed in that direction.
It's Boogie and Frank's turn to sweet talk Britney and Shane. This time, Britney actually speaks, saying that she wants one person from each team to be up to "even things up a little bit around here". Once they leave, Britney continues to Shane that he has to put up Frank...as Shane is being called to the diary room to start the nomination ceremony. "Oh my God, I don't know what he's going to do", she realizes as we head to the last commercial break.
It's nomination time, and after silly, loud comments from Wil and Joe, we get down to business. Shane is confused whether he listens to Britney or "stay true to my word". The first key belongs to Jenn, followed by Ian, Daniele, and Frank. The nominees are Ashley and Joe! Shane's excuse is that Janelle is the only coach that hasn't had a nominee, so she needs to know how it feels. Ashley is confused, and is in tears that she "doesn't trust anybody in the house". Shane hopes the risk is worth it, but Janelle says "game on" and she is going to do "everything in my power to fight". Joe says it's "on like Donkey Kong", and that if it's the last thing he does he's going after Shane. Um, how is that possible if you leave this week, you big dummy?
That's all she wrote, folks. What did you think of tonight's show. Did Shane make the right choices? And how crazy is both Daniele and Ashley? Let us know!