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Wednesday
Jul202011

Big Brother Season 13, Episode 6 Recap

Working on Big Brother footage for CBS must be a tough job. No, no, no, I’m not talking about the fact that every week presents hundreds of hours of footage that must be cut down to two 42-minute episodes (plus a segment or two on eviction day). What I’m referring to is the “Rachel edit”.

It has to be hell for these poor souls who have to somehow take footage that shows Rachel (and SkypeBoy) acting like fools and transform them into a modern day Romeo and Juliet. The task is comparable to convincing America that a Kardashian has the smarts of Steven Hawking. Tonight is an especially challenging evening, as all the acoustic guitars and pianos in the world can’t make one sympathetic for the Vegas cocktail waitress after viewing Sunday’s meltdown on the feeds.

Yet, I expect CBS to give it a grand ol’ try. The initial confrontation with Cassi will leave out important moments, the guidance from Jordan will be made to appear that it entered into that vast wasteland of a brain, and, worst of all, the mental beatdown from Brendon will be turned into a touching moment of a loving girlfriend learning from her masterful scientist boyfriend. Blech!

Before we get to that, however, we must sit through the usual garbage of the house reactions to the nominations of Adam and Dominic (god, this seems like it happened weeks ago). Adam says that Jordan had told him that he has to trust them if he’s nominated, and after Lawon whispers “you gotta fight”, Dom says he knows he’s the big target this week as “I’ve got big suspicions Adam stabbed me in the back”. Jordan agrees, saying she believes Dom is the “ringleader”.

For some reason, Rachel thanks Jeff for the nominations. “It’s not me, it’s Jordan”, he replies. In the diary room, Rachel is a bit more heated. “What are you doing? Cassi is the target to get out of here, not Dominic. If I can’t even trust you and Jeff to make the right choices at nominations, what am I going to be able to trust you at going forward?” Who is the HOH again?

Dom and Cassi reconvene in the have-not room. Dom says he knew it was coming, and Cassi asks if he thinks he has a shot. Dom says he doesn’t know how much he trusts Jeff and Jordan, and “it all depends on Adam’s deal with them”. Cassi tells him to cut a better deal, but Dom doesn’t want to be their “slave” for the next couple of weeks. Dom thinks he’s now flying solo.

Adam then walks into the room, and Dom asks him how he’s feeling. “We gotta win that veto”, says Dom. “Our back’s against the wall”, replies an unconvincing Adam. “Let’s not pull a Porsche and Keith.”

Jordan now has Adam in the HOH room, and claims that he acted so well Jeff believes he’s actually pissed. She promises him that he’s safe, and for the veto competition the “best thing for you to do is to sabotage it. I promise you we have your back.”

Meanwhile, Rachel is now hanging out with Porsche, who says Cassi has to be eliminated before the couples are split. This sets up the typical Rachel complaints against Cassi before Lawon interrupts. “I see Rachel and Porsche talking”, he claims, “and that’s mischievous. Those girls are always up to no good.”

Then we switch to Dom and Daniele, who warns him that anything she says has to be kept secret “because it’s for your benefit”. Daniele says in the diary room that she’s not stressing out yet, as she has some buttons yet to push. Yes, Jeff wants Dom out (“he’s an asshole” is the reply), but Daniele says both Rachel and Jeff are “going to sink their own ships”. Dom says that he is starting to trust Daniele, but she admits in the diary room that she’s just using him “for now”.

Daniele begins her work by telling Rachel she wants Daniele out, and Cassi put up in his place. “I don’t trust Cassi, trying to say she’s so real, and then running around the house telling lies to everybody.” Daniele admits in the diary room that she really doesn’t have anything against Cassi, “but if I see a bus, I’m not afraid to give her a little push”.

After commercials, Rachel and Brendon are talking to Jordan, telling her that they can all trust each other, but nobody can trust Cassi. “She’s so fake. She needs to get out of here.” Jordan just looks around, wondering where those voices are coming from.  Brendon doesn’t want her spending any time with Cassi. Jordan sees through their game. “Cassi just said one thing about Porsche, and Rachel is blowing it way out of proportion. It’s a little exaggerated and a little bit dramatic. It’s almost ridiculous.”

Jordan takes her concerns about Rachel to a seemingly bored Jeff. She tells him how Brendon and Rachel are constantly in her face about spending time with Cassi, but she wants to talk to her. “So, talk to her”, replies Jeff. “They gotta relax.” Jeff continues to rant about Rachel in the diary room, comparing her “to that little gnat that buzzes in your ear that you can’t stand…it’s not our first rodeo, and we don’t need that all the time…I need some Rachel-Off”. So do the feed watcher, Jeff. Trust me.

Sure enough, Cassi is in the HOH and Jordan informs her that people are “throwing you under the bus” (ugh, that dreaded line for the 10th time already tonight). “It’s because you’re pretty. You’re like absolutely gorgeous, and that’s no lie.” Cassi says it’s not just that, but it’s also because “I don’t play back with them”. Cassi adds that she likes them because they’re genuine people that won’t let those types of games influence their thinking. She adds in the diary room that this is exactly why she hasn’t let on that she’s a model. Well, I wouldn’t go that far, my dear.

It’s time to pick players for the veto comp. Jordan ably gets through the script, and after calling up the nominees, Jordan pulls out the chip that belongs to…get this, Brendon and Rachel! Nice job, CBS! Dom is pissed! “I’m going to get destroyed!” Jordan then chooses Daniele to be the host of the competition.

Rachel takes Brendon into the storage room and asks him if he’d be willing to go against Jeff and Jordan if they win the veto. “I think they’re just doing what’s best for them in this game.” Really, Rachel? Aren’t you doing the same thing? In one of his most coherent points of both of his seasons, Brendon says that they can’t just go “behind Jeff and Jordan’s back”. Rachel says that she’s scared that Jordan is so easily influenced, and Brendon replies “that’s why we can’t let Jordan be alone with Cassi”. They decide to enlist Dom in their plan, and Rachel goes off to find Daniele.

Daniele warns them that it’s a risky move, but she’s “super excited” that they’re on board to keep Dominic. “In the end, I’m going to get what I want and nobody is going to be mad at me.”

It’s finally veto comp time, and Daniele leads them all out to the backyard to a giant “candy shop”. In this game, they’re playing as individuals, which obviously pleases Dom. To win, one must chew gumballs while walking across a plank to deposit on their “veto portrait”. Yes, Jordan, this leads to your stereotypical joke about “walk and chew gum all the time”. If you drop, you’re out unless you take two weeks of slop.

Jeff still believes that if any of the vets win that Dom will go home. Obviously, we know that’s not the case. Jordan quickly drops, and is about to take the slop before Jeff yells at her. This pisses off Rachel, who says “if they HOH isn’t playing, maybe we shouldn’t be”. Ooooh, Jeff is pissed, but he says nothing. Rachel falls, and immediately grabs the slop ticket. Jeff is steaming!

Rachel then falls once again, and she starts screaming her typical lines about how great Brendon is doing. Dom notices that he’s pretty close to Jeff and Brendon, and starts picking up the pace. Finally, Dom places the winning gum on his easel, and wins the veto. Cassi knows this is bad news for her.

With the contest over, Jeff tells Rachel that he “doesn’t appreciate your comments during the race”. Rachel doesn’t understand what he’s complaining about, and has that “are you kidding me” look on her face. “It’s done”, she bitches as she tosses her bottle down and walks away. She attempts to bitch at Brendon about Jeff, but he also admonishes her. “Keep your head in the game. Not emotion. Play smart.” Jeff comes back to them and continues to berate her for making Jordan look bad. “You showed that you’re better than Jordan. You showed it tenfold today.” The rest of the house looks on with giant smiles!

We come back from commercials to find Rachel bawling in some bushes. Ok, enough of this crap. Brendon says he has to get her to calm down in front of the rest of the house. Even Kalia thinks Rachel’s actions are idiotic. Yeah, it continues on as the rest of the house heads back into the house. And once again, we get the Brendon is a hero edit. Rachel finally comes back into the house, and Cassi believes these kinds of “shenanigans” makes Cassi look better. Well, not really.

Dom heads into the have-not room to celebrate, and he thinks his win is a victory for the entire house. Adam is even happy, as he kept his word and still gets off the block. Jeff and Jordan, meanwhile, head into the HOH and she tells him to “not be so mad”. He says he’s tired of the “Rachel show”. He goes on to say that’s exactly why people didn’t like her last year, and that her mouth is going to eventually be “their breaking point”. In the diary room, he ably reads the script to create some doubt as to the replacement nominees.

Rachel is still whining to Brendon, wondering if Jeff and Jordan will be dumb enough to put them up. Brendon grills her as to what she’s going to say to Jordan, but she’s not too thrilled by Brendon’s advice. Rachel says that she could say “I don’t appreciate your girl winning HOH because we let her”. Brendon commands her to stop. “No wonder America hates me”, Rachel concludes.

They do head up to grovel to Jeff and Jordan. Rachel apologizes, and Jordan says she’s not mad. Jeff says that she should have “just bowed out”, but Jeff says the “repercussions will last for two weeks”. Jeff adds in the diary room that he thinks it sounds like a forced apology. They all say the right things, though, and Brendon adds that the rest of the house can never see them bicker like that again.

Cassi is then brought into the HOH, with Shelli following three steps behind. Jordan says they are the last two people she wants to put up, and Cassi immediately asks if they gave any thought to putting up Brendon and Rachel. She adds that they need to think about “the long haul and who is going to turn on your later. At some point, y’all are going to have to get Brendon and Rachel out, and I would have been down to lead that front to do it.”

Jordan says her hands are tied, as the veterans are all tied together. Cassi says she “just wants to shake Jordan right now…and how this is a potential game changer” to rid the house of them.  This again sets up diary room stuff from Jordan to shed some doubt as to what she’s going to do.

She asks Jeff what he thinks of backdooring Brendon and Rachel, and Jeff says he’d stand beside her is she indeed did that. Jeff wants to “squash that annoying gnat in my ear”. To put an exclamation on the segment, Jordan adds that wants to “do something dramatic in this game.”

This all leads up to the anticlimactic finish, as Dom has to grab the veto and stare at the wall of house guests. He’s a bit bummed that Cassi is probably going up in his place. Everybody recites their expected lines in the diary room before Dom brings everybody in to take himself and Adam off the block. Jordan then gets up…and puts up Cassi and Shelly.

So that’s it, and while we did get to somewhat accurately see Rachel lose her shit during the POV competition, we didn’t get to see the fireworks with Cassi. Is CBS saving that for tomorrow?

Sunday
Jul172011

Big Brother Season 13, Episode 5 Recap

Another Sunday, another Big Brother nomination show. It’s admittedly tough to get excited by this episode, as I’ve been disgusted by the actions of Queen Rachel and Brendon, and the non-actions of each and every noob. I’m a devoted recap-er, though, so here I am in front of my TV. Here’s what you’re going to see tonight – the have/have not competition, the (un)exciting unveiling of the HOH room, and the nomination. Oh yeah, and another silly Rachel fight that’s reminiscent of last year’s idiotic showboating.

I guess it’s time to start this thing with reactions to Keith’s eviction. Porsche acts like she’s the queen of the ball, and even sticks her tongue out at the cam. Why, nobody knows. Jeff says it’s all great for the vets, but Dom is bummed that two people switched their votes. “I feel like I’ve been shanked multiple times.”

Kalia, sporting some marvelous homeless hair, says she changed her vote because Keith called her out. Shelly, one of the two who “shanked” Dom, is playing it up real good. “Somebody is going to get an ass whooping at the end of this”, she says. She acknowledges that the noobs have no clue that it’s her. Adam adds that he knows this means the noobs aren’t united. Lawon is as “furious like a hot volcano in Hawaii awaiting to erupt”. Oh Lawton, you talk a good game but you’re rarely even seen on the feeds.

Rachel is then shown hugging Porsche right before she grabs her golden key. Rachel is so proud of herself, and in the diary room thanks the noobs for “being idiots”. For a change, I can’t really argue with her there.

We then jump ahead to Jordan’s HOH victory, and Jeff claims she’s “under-estimated”. Yeah, it certainly helps with the rest of your team (and some noob) throws it for her. Cassi isn’t so happy as she knows it means another noob will be going home. Yeah, like you.

Moving into one of the bedrooms, Rachel is jumping for joy in celebration with the rest of her alliance. At the same time, Cassi is asking where the the other two votes came from. Shelly continues to lie, and Lawon enters the room saying how pissed he is because he “stuck his ass out for his team”.

Adam enters as Dom asks about conversations anybody had with the vets. Adam admits he was approached, but denies he was one of the votes. Kalia says she assumes that everybody has had a similar conversation, and both Cassi and Dom deny it. Hey kids, the answer is right in front of you!!!

Adam makes a fatal mistake, though, by acknowledging that he did shake his head in agreement with every demand they made. Cassi’s shocked. Adam believes that Dom is the rat as he just happened to walk out at this point in the conversation. Kalia couldn’t be more proud of herself, though. Good for her, as she’s done nothing else so far this season. Adam, shut up! He also adds that he doesn’t expect to go up this week.

For some unknown reason, Rachel then enters the room, twirls her hair, and asks how they’re all doing. She acts a bit shocked when Kalia says “two of our own” voted against their interests. “I didn’t know there are sides”, she says. Oh Lord. Cassi explains that it’s all just how they feel about Porsche. Uh oh. “Some of us like Porsche”, responds Rachel, “and she’s here now for a month.” Oh snap! Part one ends with Cassi saying “I don’t like to be bullied”. Well, get ready, my dear.

Dom is now in the other room and Jeff says that he thought they had the votes to keep Keith. Dom’s response is that “I didn’t know that you wanted Porsche to stay”. This ends up being a silly conversation, as both Jeff and Dom complain that the others didn’t come talk to each other. Dom asks who their two votes came from, and Jeff does what he does best – play dumb.

Ugh, Rachel and Porsche are now celebrating in the supply room. Porsche reports that Lawon was in tears after the vote, and Rachel reports on her conversation with the noobs…including the Cassi comments. “Cassi started the ‘We Hate Porsche’ club that she’s the sole member of, and it doesn’t really faze me”, claims Porsche.

After Rachel and Porsche leave the supply room, the scene shifts to the bedroom where Daniele is thanking Kalia for her vote. She tells Daniele that the noobs believe that it was actually Adam who didn’t vote to evict Porsche instead of her, and it’s all because of his big mouth.

Adam is lying down by himself as Shelly comes in to give him a pep talk. Shelly claims she feels horrible, but Adam believes the stray vote (or one of them, at least) was actually Dom. Cassi is talking to Dom, and they both believe it is indeed Adam, and both believe it means the end for them. All of these idiots continue to trust Shelly, though. This junk goes on way too long, and at the end Dom says that he needs to work his charms on Daniele.

After the commercials, we get to watch the Dom/Daniele relationship supposedly “blossom”…complete with the acoustic guitars usually saved for Rachel and Brendon. Thankfully, we jump to the kitchen, where Rachel is washing dishes as Cassi comes in to put away the clean dishes. Rachel complains in the diary room that it’s so awkward that they “can’t even be in the same room”, yet Cassi doesn’t appear fazed at all. Cassi agrees that it was awkward to be in the same vicinity as her, but it was “for me to show her you’re messing with the wrong girl. I’m not some dumb little girl that’s going to cower in the corner because you’re Rachel.”

As Cassi sits at the table eating, Rachel turns around. Cassi says “long day”, and…the scene ends. WTF??? We have to endure Jordan’s HOH room garbage instead of what actually happened. God, I’m getting sick of this shit.

With the fluff officially over, we now have to endure filler. Brendon comes out dressed in his superhero unitard, and I’m officially sick now as he mugs to the cameras about Franklin, his “house pet” stuffed turtle. This is awful.

Adam now heads upstairs to talk to Jeff and Jordan to hopefully make a deal with the two of them. He admits to them that he did vote to evict Porsche, but says that he doesn’t want to go home. He says the alliance he believe that he had didn’t exist, so he now haves to grovel. He says that if he’s nominated and ends up with the golden key he’ll owe them a lot. Jeff is hesitant, as he doesn’t think he can trust him.

Back to Dom’s flirting with Daniele. He tells her that he has nothing to offer the other vets, and Daniele says that she’ll do what she can to help. He asks her why she would do this, and she says she likes to hang out with him. Yep, it’s Daniele’s first dumb move of the season.

When we return from another set of commercials, Jeff is complaining about how Dom thinks he’s running the show. Rachel will have none of this, though, and complains that it’s actually Cassi. “(She’s) driving me up the wall. She’s super floater Cassi. With Jordan as HOH, I hope we get the right person out of here, and keep the other person in the house that’s going to work for us.” That’s Shelli, if you haven’t figured it out. Jordan just lays there looking confused as Jeff and Rachel make their cases against Cassi.

Time for the have/have not competition. Jordan comes out of the diary room in an ant costume and attempts to read the script. Lawon says he’s determined to not be on slop once again. They’re now all dressed as ants, connected to their partners. The backyard is made up to look like a giant picnic, and the pairs have to grab giant food “crumbs” and carry them back across the field. The winner gets to pick the have-nots for the week.

There’s no reason to go through the commentary of this silliness, especially after Rachel’s godawful sexual innuendos, so let’s jump to the conclusion. Rachel and Brendon won, but before we can get to the expected slop choices, Kalia is stuck inside one of the props, and is supposedly “injured”.  I guess this is enough drama to make it a commercial-length cliffhanger.

Ok, we’re back, and a medic comes out to check on Kalia. They have to cut the pair out of their ant suits, but Kalia admits that her injuries were more out of “fear” than an actual injury. “I’m sure I’ll be back to all my antics ASAP”, she claims. What “antics”? The bitch rarely does anything!

Finally, we get to hear Brendon and Rachel’s slop choices…and yes, it includes Cassi and Shelly, along with Adam and Dominic. Yeah, yeah, yeah, slop stinks. None of the four are very surprised. They come back into the house to discover that America’s Choice for food is jelly beans and beef jerky. Can we stop this voting for food crap? All it does is make Adam scream more idiocy.

Back to the game. Dom heads up to talk to Jeff and Jordan, and he claims he’s going to be “100% honest”. He says he has to play with somebody, so he has no option but to come to them. Jesus, these noobs have absolutely no game. Jeff and Jordan humor him, but it’s a nothing conversation.

It’s Cassi’s turn next, and she just wants her and Shelly to remain in the game as long as possible. She says she has no problems putting up other noobs, and that she can keep a secret. Another interesting edit, as this conversation went on a lot longer.

Jeff and Jordan then ask Daniele what she thinks they should do, and obviously she now wants Dom to stay in the game. According to Daniele, Dom knows nothing about the game, and Cassi is completely untrustworthy. “She’s the one causing all the drama with all the girls and everybody else downstairs.” What? And now this conversation also goes around in circles, designed to make us unsure as to who the nominees will be.

So here we go with the nominations, and Jordan actually makes it through the prepared script. The noobs also read their scripts accurately, too, as none of them feel they’re safe.  Jordan says that her “alliance is telling her to go one way, while my gut is telling me to go another.” No, Jordan, that’s the desire for another crinkly bag of chips.

The cast is brought in, and the nominations are Adam and Dominic. Jordan says she nominated them because she doesn’t know where their heads are at. Um, sweetie, you could say that about anything and everything. She adds in the diary room that she doesn’t care what the rest of her alliance thinks. Adam, of course, is bummed about being nominated, and Dom promises to do anything possible to stay in the game.

Thankfully, we’re done here. What did you think of the episode? Are you tired of the beneficial edits that Rachel is receiving? Are the noobs as inept as they appear? Who do you want to see leave?

Thursday
Jul072011

Big Brother Season 13, Episode 1

Finally, the time is here for Big Brother! After a tiresome yet frantic two weeks of rumors, gossip, hints, and honestly uninspiring video interviews, we get to meet the cast of Big Brother 13 tonight! Along with the eight new contestants, questions are finally answered as to the identities of the “dynamic duos” returning to the show. Will they indeed be the six names that have been bandied about the past week, or will there be a surprise or two?

So here we go with the usual Julie Chen opening, and within two minutes she mentions “dynamic duos” at least a half dozen times. We finally get some news – each “noob” has to pick a partner, and then three former pairs are coming in to play against them.

We jump right into the obviously-staged, "surprised" house guests discovering they made the cast. Dominic is supposedly a biker who LOVES his mom, but doesn’t like her touching his hair. Cassi is at work “modeling”, and she calls herself a tomboy. Lawon says everybody loves him, and he LOVES bright colors. Keith is at church, and he says “when I’m not in church, I’m chasing girls”. Um, yeah. Shelly is out huntin’ and fishin’, and babbles some Southern gospel.

Adam is found at a heavy metal show…although there is no band playing. He says he’s not afraid “to show my feminine side”. Hmmm. Kalia claims to be “the real life Carrie from Sex and the City”. I’ll stop there. Porsche is a “real life VIP waitress” who is “without a doubt, the hottest girl wherever I go.” Oh Lord.

They all jump around, wasting their supposed one hour of preparation. While packing, they all continue to babble nonsense that fits into their already prepared roles. Keith even has a flow chart for his planned “Keith’s Angels” gimmick. Kalia loves sex, but Dominic is a virgin. Meanwhile, Lawon says that if “they want me to be gay, I’ll be gay. If they want me to be straight, I’ll be straight.” I think I’m warming up to this guy.

After tearful goodbyes to moms, girlfriends, kids, and friends, they head out. Seconds later, Julie brings them out to the front of the house. Yeah, we’ve seen this scene a dozen times before as she preaches platitudes about what’s going to happen this season.

The first group to enter the house is Porsche, Dominic, Lawon, and Shelly. They all do the stereotypical screeching and rush to choose their beds. Porsche shows a bit of smarts, though, as she points out there are only eight people in the cast. Shelly makes a “funny” about how Porsche sounds like a stripper name.

Julie then allows the other four to enter, and it’s the same as before. Adam growls like a metal fan, and Keith is already in love with all the women. Kalia says she has a “hair phobia”, so having to share showers is a nightmare for him. Meanwhile, Keith twirls Cassi around, primarily so he can stare at her legs. Cassi claims her best feature is her “personality”, but shows a bit of self-awareness by admitting the “doctor’s did help a little bit”.

Dominic is the second person to figure out that there are more people to enter, but it doesn’t really sink in to the others. They all head into the living room, and Adam believes he’s going to dominate the house as the others don’t look too intelligent. Yeah, I kind of agree with him.

They begin introducing each other, and Keith kicks things off by lying about his job as a minister. He’s now a matchmaker, because somehow that will make the ladies come to him. Really? Adam loves metal, bacon, and 90210. Wait, what? They all get a laugh over his metal roar.

Shelly and Kalia continue on with the introductions, and Keith loves Kalia’s “puppies”. Ok, I’m bored with this already. Porsche admits that she was named after the car, and in the diary room says she’s already attracted to Dominic. She also lies about being a waitress, because I guess people are intimidated by “VIP waitresses”. Cassi also lies about her occupation because she doesn’t want people to think she’s “narcissistic” or “better than anybody else”. Ok then.

After a commercial break, it’s time for Julie to announce that the house guests must pick partners. “Expect the unexpected”, blah blah blah. Ok, we do get some real info here. Each of the members of the team that wins HOH is safe from elimination, and they must pick one team to go against each other to remain in the game. Keith is “crushed” because it completely screws up his “Keith’s Angels” plan (like these women would go with that anyway).

Keith makes the first move, asking Porsche to be his partner. She’s not happy about this, because she doesn’t want to go against his stunning wardrobe, but eventually agrees. Dominic thinks he’s an idiot for “thinking with the wrong head” (probably the only smart thing we'll hear from him all season). Shelli and Cassi quietly form a bond, and Adam asks Dominic (who is not real happy about this). By default, Kalia is forced to be with Lawon, and her planned quiet game is squashed because she’s paired with the “big, crazy, flamboyant” one.

Julie comes back on to verify all of these pairings, and the second bombshell is dropped. Well, not quite, as Julie disappears after announcing that additional pairs are entering. Porsche and Kalia immediately start talking about who these partners could be when the doorbell rings, and…oh fuck…it’s Brenchel. Ugh. Dominic says he’s scared because they’re big competitors.

Rather than talking about their return, Rachel babbles in the diary room about how Brendon proposed to them. Fast forward time. Ha, Adam is pissed! “You’re not taking over my house!” I love him now!!! After sitting down, the doorbell rings again, and this time it’s Jeff and Jordan. The reaction to those two is a bit more enthusiastic. Lawon says he’s “in the company of Big Brother royalty”. Oh yeah, and Shelli couldn’t be more happy to meet her idols.

After some of the usual cheesy cutesiness, they all continue to babble nothingness. Adam is pissed that the returning house guests are going to ruin “HIS” season. The doorbell rings again…and it is once again commercial time.

When we return, it’s time for…you guessed it…Evel Dick and Daniele. Adam is setting the tone as the narrator of the show, and he says that Evel Dick is the reason he attempted to be on the show. Keith, of course, is immediately in love with Daniele. “Yummy, yummy, yummy, I’m thinking of kicking Porsche to the curb.”

Ok, Dick makes the first funny of the season. He introduces himself as the only winner here, and poor little Jordan gets sad. Um yeah, although I was fans of theirs during their season I’m already tired of Jeff and Jordan. “Dick makes me feel like chopped liver, and I hate chopped liver.” Oh yes, another season of Jordan-isms.

Dick wants to take a look at the upstairs, and Jeff asks if he and Daniele are “good”. I guess not, as they haven’t spoke in three years. She looks way uncomfortable, especially when they do a diary room together. Jeff isn’t completely convinced, though.

With the introductions completed, it’s time for the first HOH competition. The rules are simple – there are giant bananas in the backyard, and the winner is the team who hangs on the longest. Adam says it’s important that one of the new couples wins. After a short time, chocolate begins to be poured over the bananas. Shelly cements her role as this year’s Kathy by immediately falling, and claims that it’s part of their strategy (just like Kathy did week after week last year).

Jordan is the next to drop, right after I was bitching at CBS censors for blurring her ass. Keith and Cassi are struggling because his ass is in her face, and he falls. Cassi also falls shortly after, as does Lawon. Meanwhile, Dominic is bitching that Adam’s head is in his ass.

Adam is the next to drop, and then it’s Jeff and Dominic. Porsche and Kalia are the only new castmates left, and Rachel notes that Brendon is struggling. Yes, the ultimate competitor drops once again. Kalia then drops, and Rachel is confident that he can beat the only remaining noob, Porsche. “I spend a lot of my time on bananas”, she says.

It’s now whipped cream that is poured on those left, and Porsche is struggling. Goddamn those censors! Sure enough, she then drops. It’s now Rachel versus Dick and Daniele. Rachel says they are safe if they fall. Dick stupidly agrees, and drops. Daniele doesn’t know if she can trust Rachel, but she nods that they have a deal. Oh Lord, Brenchel is the first HOH! Ugh, she has to throw out a “no one comes between me and my banana”. Hmmm, Julie ends the segment by saying there’s another twist coming designed “to send shock waves through the house”.

What is the new twist? Julie has everybody gather again in the living room, and she tells Rachel that her choice will be more important than in past seasons as it will be both “a blessing and a curse”. The person who survives the “chopping block” now has a huge advantage because of the “Big Brother Golden Key”. Dum dum dum! This key guarantees a person a spot in the top 10. In other words, they can’t be nominated again until after week four. You can see the wheels spinning in poor little Rachel’s brain.

Blah blah blah this is big blah blah blah I’ll happily send my dad home blah blah blah totally blows my strategy blah blah blah. After some bikini highlights (ok, there are other things shown), the show is over.

So what did you think of the episode? Did you like the twists? I’m sure the rest of the BigBrotherGossip crew will have plenty to say about everything that was shown tonight on the second episode of The Big Brother Gossip Show, which will be available here late Saturday night.

Tuesday
Sep152009

Big Brother - Season 11, Finale Recap (Part One)

Well, here we are almost to the conclusion of another season of Big Brother. So what did my readers think of this year’s show? Personally, I had problems with a few of the production decisions. The “high school clique” angle was a disaster; allowing a former cast member to return was also terrible; and they never did touch on the “green” angle that was a part of the pre-show publicity. Most of the competitions were also a bit lacking. It’s a sad state that the best games were those that we’d seen before.

I hate to admit to this, but the feeds were also a bit lacking this season. A good portion of this cast did little more than sleep away the day, and when they were awake they just rehashed the same conversations over and over. Even when there was action, this skewed sleep schedule made it so all of the good stuff happened in the middle of the night.

Having said that, though, the CBS broadcasts were a giant leap over previous seasons. This was mainly due to the timing of what little action that did occur. Blowouts after nominations and POV competitions ensured that the Tuesday show was generally more action-packed than usual, and the twists and backdoor evictions also created livelier Thursday shows than usual. (It also helps the hour-long broadcasts when a good portion of the house is just a half-step away from being certifiable lunatics.)

Surprisingly, the real star of this season was Julie Chen! It pains me to say this, as I’ve long said she’s the weakest link of the show, but she came alive this season. Maybe it was the hormones kicking in, but she was not the Chenbot we’ve seen in past years (or on The Early Show). She was very quick-witted this year, and for once didn’t seem content to let B.S. statements just sit there. I hope the post-pregnancy version next year is as vibrant as she was this season.

Speaking of the Chenbot, let’s get this show on the road! Ugh, enough with the “first time ever” garbage. Keeping a third person to the finale is not an earth-shattering change. Oh, how I’ve missed Laura’s tatas! Otherwise, the season recap is unnecessary. Wait, Braden was one of Jessie’s biggest threats? Oh God! Blah blah blah, alliance, coup d-etat, blah blah blah, Chima is nuts, blah blah blah, “last minute lie“, Jeff‘s betrayed, blah blah blah. Let’s get to the good stuff!

Ok, here we go. Ooooh, Jordan looks fantastic tonight! Ugh, we have to proceed with the final three hanging out in the house this past weekend. I don’t know how they can make this sound exciting. But we begin with Julie’s announcement that she won the second round of the HOH competition. Jordan, of course, is excited. “I’m so excited!” Kevin is also excited, as that means “Natalie is no longer a part of the equation.” He feels confident that Jordan would take him to the finals.

Natalie, obviously, is not so happy, and says she has to spend these days convincing both of them to carry her to the finals. Um, judging by what I saw on the live feeds you didn’t do that great of a job sucking up to them. She heads into the bedroom with a deck of cards, and is joined by Kevin. “I hope if you win, you stick with the deal and take me. I don’t know why, (but) I just feel like you’ll go with her.” Kevin says he believes “the bitch” (Jordan) would take her instead of him. Kevin says he just wants to relax and enjoy being in the final three, but says in the diary room that Natalie is indeed correct in her assessment that Kevin won’t be taking her if he gets that choice. “I just hope I can trust you”, says Natalie.

We next see Natalie being called into the diary room, and Kevin asks if Jordan is on board with going together to the finals. She tells him not to worry, but is worried that Kevin won’t take her to the finals. “1000 percent, if I get the choice, I’ll take you.” He goes to describe how taking Natalie is a guaranteed second, and at least with Jordan he has a chance. Jordan, though, says in the diary room that she’s going to take Natalie if she wins. Ohnoes!!!

It’s now dark out, and Kevin is heading outside with a blanket. Natalie wants to play pool, but instead kisses up to Jordan by saying that she hopes they keep in contact after the show. Come on, Jordan can’t really believe that! Natalie claims that Jordan is just like one of her girlfriends back home. Yeah, sure. They both claim that if evicted, they’ll fight for the other in the jury. Jordan says in the diary room that her final two deal with Natalie is “genuine”. God, I hope Kevin wins the final round!

Kevin is now sitting outside contemplating if he has a chance against either girl, and confides this thought to Natalie when she comes outside. He thinks his only hope is if Jeff decides to vote for him, even though he evicted him. It turns out into a pity party, though, as both of them talk about how the jury hates them. “People vote personally, Kevin.” Natalie does stick her foot in her mouth, though, when she says that if she’s evicted she’s voting for Jordan. This (supposedly) causes Kevin’s head to jerk back towards Natalie. Kevin still thinks he’s playing for second place, even though he’s played the best out of all of them. Ok, I’m done with this segment, and luckily we quickly head to commercials.

When we return, we go to Julie’s interview with the house. She asks Kevin what BB has taught him about himself. He says that it has taught him to have more confidence in himself. Natalie is then asked what she’ll miss the most of the house. “I’m going to miss living with 12 people.” Julie follow up with “all 12”? Good one. Jordan is then asked about being away from home for the longest time in her life, and after a customary “oh gosh”, she says she learned “patience with everyone”, and that she’s a “grown girl”.

Now it’s time for Michelle’s entrance to the jury house. It begins with a cheesecake shot of Jeff for the ladies, and he says that after a couple of uncomfortable days he’s enjoying his stay. As they’re all playing pool, Jeff jokes that they should “wait for Kevin”. Lydia asks who Russell thinks will be next, and he answers Kevin. Lydia wants it to be Michelle, and Jeff says “raise your hand if you think whatever Jessie thinks”. Jeff’s on fire tonight! Lydia returns the joke that it may be Jordan, but Jeff thinks he’s safe. Russell adds that he really doesn’t want to see Michelle enter the jury.

Cue to the view of the limo pulling up, and it’s the standard response as Michelle enters. Jessie’s excited, but Jeff says it’s shocking. Michelle fills them in on how she was evicted, and Michelle fills them in on the second Pandora’s Box. Lydia’s responds to the engagement with “who cares?” Jeff asks if Natalie’s boyfriend is a tool. Lydia now likes Jeff…and so does most of America. Michelle is then filled in on the age lie, but Michelle claims that she’s known that from the beginning, and she says that Natalie’s reputation in the jury house has gone downhill.

They then watch the video, and Lydia retches when they hear Natalie claim she won HOH by sticking to her word. They also roll their eyes at Natalie’s ridiculous nomination getup. Trust me, when Lydia makes fun of your costume, you’re in trouble. Oh God, I’m loving this. Jeff says the costume alone will make him not vote for her. “I hope Jordan takes her out”, Lydia adds. Wow, even Jessie says he’d “even” vote for Michelle over Natalie for the prize money!

We return from commercials to a shot of Natalie’s family in the audience, and we head to the jury meeting. Well, we kind of already saw that in the last segment, but this one is the overly-staged version. Russell points out that the three left in the house are not the hardest players in the house, so they should consider voting on how they interacted. He says that he never talked to Natalie, but Jeff counters that he never talked to Kevin. Um, you did one week, and it screwed you. Jeff thinks it’s a tossup, and then it just goes around and around for a bit. Jeff points out that Kevin wasn’t always so sweet, and Jeff blows up at Lydia. “Get in your spaceship.”

Jessie says that Kevin and Natalie both played a lot better than Jordan, but Jeff responds that they had a lot of chances to eliminate her. Lydia counters that she did stay in the house longer than Jeff. Russell says Jordan’s best move was to attach herself to Jeff, but otherwise she had no power moves. Ok, the Lydia and Jeff show is getting tiring. “She was your little marionette that danced when you told her to.” Jeff again throws it back at her that she does whatever Jessie instructs her to do, which angers Jessie. “Play your strings, N’sync”, Jeff replies.

Russell moves the conversation on to Natalie, but says she “fell onto her strategy by mistake”. Michelle says she just attached herself to stronger players until they were gone. Jessie claims that Natalie didn’t persuade him to do anything he did. Jeff doesn’t think she deserves to be in the finals at all, and of course Jessie has to flex when Jeff throws a compliment his way.

After all of this, Lydia suggests that they should just wait and see how this plays out. I agree. Michelle adds that Kevin was great at moving misinformation around to benefit him. Jessie then out of the blue says his happiest day was seeing Jeff enter the jury house, and his second happiest day was seeing Michelle come in. She goes on to sort of agree with Lydia that they need to wait until they hear from the final two, and Lydia smartly adds that they need to be aware that the final two are going to kiss their asses to get their vote. Thankfully, we have come to the close of the jury discussion.

So here we go with the final HOH competition, and it’s questions about the jury members. Kevin looks nervous. The first question is what Jessie thought was the best part of the house, and Kevin correctly guesses that it’s the ladies. The second question is about what annoyed Lydia the most, and this time Jordan guesses that it’s Jeff’s coup d’etat.

Russell is the subject of the third question, and again Jordan is correct! Jeff’s question is about his fatal mistake, and this time Kevin is correct. It’s now 2-2, going into the final question about Michelle. They both have the same correct answer, so it’s tie breaker time. Uh oh, it’s a number question. This doesn’t look good for Jordan. The question is how many votes to evict have been cast this season, and Jordan looks confused while Kevin is actually calculating. Jordan guesses 50, and Kevin’s guess is 80. The correct answer is 51, and Jordan is the final HOH!!!

OMG, what a shocker!!!