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Tuesday
Aug252009

Big Brother - Season 11, Episode 21 Recap


Another Tuesday, another episode of Big Brother. I must admit that I’m not too excited for tonight’s episode, outside of the veto ceremony at the end of the show. Otherwise, it’s going to be nothing but filler and paranoia. Lots of paranoia. Seriously, I bet almost all of them (outside of one or two discrete shit-stirrer) are going to look like fools tonight.

You know the drill - after an over-extended recap we finally start with the reaction to Jeff’s nominations of Natalie and Kevin. Before we get to that, though, we hear Jeff whine because nobody (in other words Russell) thanked him for not putting them up. We hear again that he may end up putting Russell up. Kevin says he’s not bothered by being put up, and Natalie brags that she’s used to it because she has the record for being on the block.

Russell now heads into the pool room to talk to Jordan, who vanishes as quickly as she can. Russell notices that she doesn’t seem to want to talk to him, but she responds that he’s just being paranoid. In the diary room, Russell admits that he’s surprised that he wasn’t put up but knows that there’s a good chance he could get backdoored.

We now see him heading outside with Jeff, and tells him he appreciates that he stuck to his word. He tells him that he owes him one, and that he will never put Jeff up. Jeff says in the diary room that he doesn’t trust Russell, though, mainly because he voted to keep Jessie after Jeff used the mystery power. In case we forgot about that, CBS shows us again. Yet Russell keeps on, laughing at how the two who had the first fight are now the best friends in the world.

Meanwhile, Kevin and Natalie are buttering up Jordan, claiming that they have played a more loyal and truthful game than anybody in the house. Oh please! Jordan says that the only thing she was worried about was their reaction to getting rid of Lydia. She adds in the diary room that even though they’ve been on the other side the whole game, she now trusts them more than Russell. Both of them perk up when Jordan says she’d love to see Russell leave the game this week.

Moving up to the HOH, Jordan is now reporting to Jeff this conversation. They’re watching the spy cam, which shows Michelle staring at the wall of pictures, and paranoia creeps right on in. “She’s probably looking at my picture”, complains Jordan. Jeff says she’s just studying for a competition, and that she should do the same. They actually have a useless argument over it! So useless, in fact, it’s not worth notating the conversation.

Russell now comes up to the HOH…and the sleeping trio (Michelle, Jeff, and Jordan) don’t answer. When Michelle comes outside, Russell asks her what’s going on. They both have a nice little paranoid pity party. For the 20th time already, we hear that this veto competition is SOOOOOOOOOOOO important. We get it, CBS!

After a commercial break, we know that it’s filler time before a word is even said. The awful acoustic guitar background tells us all we need to know. Sure enough, it’s time for Kevin to talk about life as a gay guy. It’s nice and kinda funny, but there’s no need for it. Well, there’s a need because there’s not much material to fill an hour.

Back to the game - Michelle is asking Jeff and Jordan what’s going on this week, and Jeff responds with a question about how Russell is doing. Michelle says that Kevin needs to go this week, with Natalie going next week. Michelle adds in the diary room that she’s not really feeling their alliance anymore, and Jeff says that “I can’t even talk to her”. He rehashes the conversation with Jordan, and they both agree that she’s “being sneaky”. Yes, time for another tiff between Jeff and Jordan. She says in the diary room that she “don’t like this Jeff”. Jeff adds in the DR that he gets “all the blood on my hands” for what they both do. Michelle returns during this conversation, and for some reason hugs Jordan. Time for another little tiff.

They eventually talk game, and Jordan complains that Michelle is spending a lot of time talking to Russell. Um, why wouldn’t she? They’re all on the same team! Jeff pounces on Michelle using the word “we”, and informs her that she’s not safe if she’s on his team. What?

Jordan is now seen downstairs talking to Natalie and Kevin about Russell. She confirms that one of them will be going off the block. When Jordan leaves, Kevin points out that they are the last two of their alliance. In the diary room, Kevin adds that they are willing to say anything to save themselves, and if Jeff and Jordan are dumb enough to believe them “the first chance we get we’re going to stab them in the back”.

Finally, the all important “most important POV of the game” is about to commence. The HG’s head outside to see the backyard transformed into a jungle-ish setting, which leads Jeff to ask if Casey is going to be around. Sure enough, Banana Man is back in the house! Or at least his voice, “rapping” the instructions to the game. Jordan is confused by the name of the game - “Otev”, or “veto” backwards.

So the game is played by answering questions that Casey raps. Ugh, the one thing about Casey that I hate! They have to race and find a banana with the answer on it, and the last person to find it in each round is eliminated. After listening to everybody again talk about how important this competition is for their survival, the first question is asked. Jordan falls on her butt (nice),

The game is made more difficult in the fact that they have to race up a slick platform. Natalie has problems making it up, and Jeff jumps ahead of her. Michelle and Jordan are having problems finding the right banana, but Michelle finds it first. Once again, she falls in a competition before finally pulling herself up. Jordan finally gives up, and slides down on her ass. She complains that Jeff is going to be pissed at her again.

The second rap is about Jessie, and Michelle says that because of the first round she knew exactly where a Jessie banana was lying. Natalie is the last one up the platform, and she is pissed that she again lost. “This is a competition I should have won!” Ugh. She continues to complain as she takes her seat next to Jordan.

Round three is about Laura’s eviction, and all I can say is they are really extending the time of this game. Do we really need to see every second of every round (oh, I know it’s still being edited, but you know what I mean). Russell is the last up this time, and is eliminated. He says he’s “praying that somehow Michelle brings home the veto”.

Now we hear Casey rap about himself, and Kevin makes a nice little joke about how it must be Casey because the riddle included the term a “fruit” and he’s still in the house. Yet Kevin is the last one up, leading to a battle between Jeff and Michelle.

The final round is about Braden, and Russell babbles about how he feels pretty safe. Jeff is babbling that he had found it when he really hadn’t, which Michelle says annoyed her. Jeff adds that he knows she “gets rattled pretty easily”, but Jeff beats her to the top with the correct answer. Jeff has won the POV! More useless babbling ensues. Yeah, we know Russell hopes the nominees stay the same, and others hope Jeff uses it. Natalie, in particular, has a grating voice tonight.

When we return, Kevin is congratulating Jeff, who asks if he believes in him now. Kevin says he wants to come off the block, and Jeff says his wish may come true. Michelle then enters, and she also congratulates him but adds “it doesn’t matter which one of us won”. She continues to kiss his ass a little more as they head out with snacks.

Russell now comes into the pool room to talk to Michelle, and says he’s going to be “fucking pissed” if he’s put up. Michelle complains that one of “them” (Natalie and Kevin) needs to go home. Russell says that he hasn’t directly asked Jeff if he’s going up, but if he does there will “be hell in this house”.

Jordan is up in the HOH, and babbles about how she’s been praying to God every night that her and Jeff do good in the house. Ugh. Somehow, God has told her that either Michelle or Russell needs to go. Double ugh.

Jeff is next seen talking to Kevin and Natalie, and they want to know if the plan is still in effect. Jeff wants some assurances, and that he can’t be put up if he saves them. How can he possibly believe them? After they move into the kitchen, Natalie immediately says they HAVE to put up Jeff next week. So much for complete honesty and loyalty!

Russell is now outside alone, and Michelle joins him. Russell again complains that he has no idea what is going on. Yeah, it’s the same conversation we just saw them have, although Russell is pretty accurate when he points out that Jeff would be digging himself a big hole by putting up either Michelle or himself.

Finally, it’s time for the veto meeting. Oh wait, we don’t. Jordan says she’s going to sleep downstairs to give Jeff some space. After a little bit of back and forth, Jeff reassures her that he cares about her. More sweet music as Jordan talks about how Jeff has been so great to her, and we see them kiss each other goodnight. What a sweet happy ending to tonight's secondary plot.

Now we get the meat of the hour. After a rehash of the same things we’ve heard for the past hour, Jeff calls everybody into the living room. Both Natalie and Kevin babble the usual pleas, and Jeff then announces that he’s going to use the veto on Kevin. Jeff then announces Russell as the replacement nominee! He then babbles again about the Jessie vote, and that he was getting too close to Michelle (ugh). “You’re the stronger competitor in my eyes. This is the Big Brother game, and it’s going to be a weird couple of days”.

Obviously, Kevin is ecstatic. Jeff knows that there’s going to be fireworks the next couple of days, while Michelle says she needs to separate herself from Russell. Yeah, Russell is pissed, and says that Jeff is an idiot. “Congratulation, you’re up next.”

That’s it, folks! Tune in for the fireworks on Thursday!

Sunday
Aug232009

Big Brother - Season 11, Episode 20 Recap


Yo yo yo, my fellow Big Brother fans. Yes, it’s another Sunday evening episode, which means that there won’t be too much exciting news. Sure, we’ll see the results of the semi-endurance competition that began as time ran out on Thursday’s episode, but outside of that we’ll have the usual HOH room reveal, a bit of scheming, and the nominations.

So we begin with the HOH players on top of a platform, attempting to drop cans into a pair of tubes. Jordan says it’s nervewracking, but that Jeff needs to win as he’s the only one she trusts. Kevin says it’s important for him or Natalie to win, as they’re the only ones left. Russell and Natalie pretty much repeat what we already heard.

We then see a flashback of Lydia’s eviction, and Kevin is sad that his best friend is gone. Natalie adds that the goal was to somehow get rid of Russell, but since that didn’t happen she’s “going to make friends with people I don’t consider friends”. Yeah, we know, and those that fall for it deserve everything that happens to them. (I’m talking to you, Jordan and Jeff.)

We continue with more reaction to Lydia’s eviction. Russell laughs at how Lydia didn’t hug anybody but Kevin, while Jordan babbles about how she was such a drama queen. “She made our lives here a lot tougher than they should be.” Kevin apologizes to Natalie for voting against her.

Back to the game. Kevin is now in the lead until Michelle ties it at four apiece. Poor Natalie is in last place. That’s when the sliding boards begin to move, and they all complain about how hard the game has become. Kevin and Jeff are now fighting for the lead, but Russell’s stomping around is causing problems for Jeff.

Natalie and Russell are starting to catch up to the other three, and Natalie again describes how tough it is to drop cans into these tubes. Jeff adds that he came up with a strategy of pulling the tab to somehow aim better. As they continue to play, Jordan reads a card that states the two players with the lowest number of cans will be this week’s “have nots”. Kevin says that “put a little fire underneath my feet”.

It’s still between Kevin and Jeff when we see Kevin nail two at once. We see a nice little score when a can lands on the platform, and somehow drops in anyway. Russell has now jumped into second place when Jordan reads another card about how special gold cans get to close down other players for 60 seconds. Michelle opts to not use them so that she doesn’t become a target. Russell does not have that issue, and will do anything to win.

Kevin is well on his way to winning when Russell opts to use a gold can to freeze out Kevin. He makes it, but Kevin is still confident he will win. Jeff says that he has “gotten into a rhythm, and catches up during that time. Meanwhile, Kevin has decided to try to use two gold cans to stop Russell, and indeed makes one. Jeff says that this actually helped him, as without Russell’s stomping around he was able to focus.

Jeff and Kevin are indeed tied at 22, and Kevin says it caused him to “step it up”. Kevin grabs two gold cans to use on Jeff, but misses both. Jeff makes another one to tie him, and after we see Kevin miss two, Jeff finally makes the winning card. Jeff is HOH, with Michelle and Russell this week’s “have nots”. Jeff and Jordan are obviously ecstatic, while Kevin and Natalie are bummed because he knows he’s going to be nominated. Russell says that he “should” be happy, but because he’s the “strongest competitor in the house” he’s worried. To add some phony drama, Jeff says it’s time to make a bold move. Yeah, right.

After commercials, we see everybody babbling in the kitchen about making it to the final six. Natalie remarks that everybody but her and Kevin have been HOH. “We’re losers, big time.” Jeff notes that he was “right there”, but Kevin complains that he always chokes. In the diary room, Kevin hopes to continue to play the “floater game”, and convince Jeff that there are bigger players to go after.

Natalie and Kevin have moved into one of the bedrooms, and even though she lost Natalie is happy that she beat Russell. “I’m so upset at myself”, says Kevin. “Now I’m fucked…please Jeff, nominate Russell.” They decide to go to Jeff and Jordan with a final two deal. “We’re loyal, and he can tell Russell and Michelle aren’t.”

Before they can talk about such a deal with Jeff, we have to endure the HOH room reveal. Jordan says that Jeff’s childhood haircut reminds her of “dumb and dumber”. Um, yeah, Jordan, I’m sure that makes you feel right at home. Kevin adds that every picture is “various stage of Jeff hotness”. The letter is like all, the family loves him and watches every week. We get it, BB.

With one fluff segment over, we move on to another one, as Jordan hints that she’d like Jeff take her on the Hawaiian vacation he won. Yeah, CBS, push the showmance angle. Jordan babbles nonsense in the diary room about how men think with their penises and not their minds, and that if she went to Hawaii all they’d do is kiss and cuddle. Sure you would.

On to gameplay - Michelle and Russell are heading up to HOH because Russell wants to know where he stands with Jeff and Jordan. Jeff brings up what Kevin lied about Russell wanting to split the couple. Russell says that “they” are going to say what they need to say to “make a last stand”. He wants to know what the advantage would be to do that, and asks Michelle to verify that this conversation never happened. She really doesn’t answer in a way to help Russell, but he does make good points on his own.

Once they’ve left, Jordan tells Jeff that she doesn’t trust either of them. She believes Kevin and Natalie over them, and they decide to head outside to talk to Russell again. Jordan heads right to Russell, and they have the same argument they just had. In the diary room, Russell says he has thought about going after Jeff, but that he never told that to anybody. Jeff complains in the diary room that he never got the answer he wanted. Um, you did if you had listened.

Time for more fluffy material. Jeff is watering the plants in the backyard, and Michelle is acting like she cares. At least we get a pic of Jordan in a bikini enjoying the “garden boy” without a shirt. Kevin also enjoys watching him “water with his hose”. Ugh.

As if that’s not enough fluff, we get the big reveal of what the have nots get to add to their slop diet - churros and chitlin. Both Russell and Michelle are not excited, but Kevin is bummed that they got something worthwhile to eat when he was forced to endure squid and squash.

Ok, back to game play. Wait, never mind. Natalie is telling everybody that she was a professional poker player, and she adds in the diary room her lie about not being 18. If Jeff had any brains, he could put two and two together. Unfortunately, he’s just a hot gardener. Natalie makes a crack about Russell’s game play, and they end up going off on each other - live and in the diary room.

Russell is now seen talking to Michelle, worrying that Jeff is going to “flip the script”. Just cue to a few paragraphs ahead to see how this conversation goes, but Michelle decides to head upstairs to find out what’s going on. Russell tells her to “go for it”, but in reality he should be with her as Michelle is not good at this part of the game. Jeff adds the usual “I’m the HOH; the decision is mine” babble. Michelle goes back down and tells Russell the “plan’s on”. Russell says that he still suspicious, though.

Time for yet more fluff. Jeff and Michelle are babbling about tans, and Michelle’s job as a neuroscientist. Michelle says in the diary room that everybody in the house is clueless about what she does, and we see more filler as she explains to Jeff what she does. Wake me up when this is over.

Back to game play - we see Natalie and Kevin corner Jeff in the backyard, and we hear Natalie talk about how with nominations coming up she needs to come up with a proposal to stay off the block. Kevin starts with a nice lie about how they’re strategy has always been to be truthful. Oh god, please tell me Jeff doesn’t buys into this crap. Natalie adds that a deal with them would at least give them people worth trusting, instead of people who are “shady”. She adds that she also heard what Kevin had reported, and Jeff says that he does believe them. Despite this, though, he says that he’s going to put them up but will take one of them off to backdoor Russell.

As you may expect, Jeff runs into the bedroom to inform Jordan of this new plan. “Or I could put up Russell and Michelle. And be like, ‘something going on between you two. I don’t know what it is. You guys didn’t come clean with me. One of you guys has got to go.” He would then tell Michelle that she’s not the target. Jordan wants Russell out, but she questions whether they can trust Natalie. Good point, my silly little southern minx. “I trust Natalie”, she finally adds. Nooooooooo!

So it’s finally nomination time. As the script always reads, Jeff stares at the wall of pictures while everybody babbles about how they’re not nominated.

Interestingly, Russell says the smart plan would be to put himself and Michelle up. The first key pulled, though, belongs to Russell, followed by Michelle and Jordan. Yes, Natalie and Kevin are nominated!

Jeff jokes that he nominate them because he didn’t like them, as Jordan says that he doesn’t tension. Nobody really says anything worthwhile in the last quotes of the night, so I’ll sign off right here. See you Tuesday!

Thursday
Aug202009

Big Brother - Season 11, Episode 19 Recap


Welcome to another eviction episode of Big Brother! I probably should have included the word “live”, since unlike last week we are back to viewing the developments as they actually happen. Not just an eviction, either, as the house has yet to play the veto competition, let alone have the veto meeting. Add to that the start of an endurance HOH comp, and we have a full sixty minutes of action. Of course, tonight’s show would have been even more action-packed if Chima hadn’t ruined the yearly double-elimination special.

This is also the rare episode where we have no idea what’s going to happen. Even without the veto competition, we really have no clue who will be going home tonight? Did Russell’s pleas to Jeff and Jordan thaw the growing coldness between them? Is Natalie still Jeff and Jordan’s new best friend? Can Lydia survive another spell in the nomination chair?

After Julie’s intro, we start off with the reactions to Jordan’s nominations of Lydia and Natalie. After high-fiving Natalie, a pit-stained Lydia bitches about being nominated for the fourth time. “This is just a poopy feeling.” Oh boy. Natalie says the game has “changed for the worst for me. I’m outnumbered. I have no true friends at all in this game.” She threatens to go after Michelle after she wins the veto, but Michelle plans to play as hard as possible to win the veto. Meanwhile, Jeff calls the attempt to get out either Lydia or Natalie a “clean up operation” because they were both close to Jessie.

Jordan goes into one of the bedrooms with Natalie, and after asking if she’s crying, tells her that she’s “just a pawn”. She claims that she has nothing against her, but in the diary room Jordan says she has the right to change her mind at any time if it would be better to eliminate Natalie.

As always, Kevin has to cheer up Lydia, but Natalie comes in and whispers to Kevin what Jordan just said. Both Lydia and Natalie complain that they’re awful at competitions, and “I never lie” Natalie lies that she doesn’t believe she isn’t the target. “We just have to win the veto and take ourselves off.” Kevin complains that Lydia never listens to anything he says, so he thinks that using the veto on Natalie might be his smartest move.

We move on to another bedroom, where Michelle and Russell are chatting about being “lone wolfs”. Russell says that if she’s ever up, he’ll use the veto on her because they’re both playing the same game. Russell is worried about Jeff going against him, and at that very moment Jeff walks into the room. Russell says that the two of them are even, and if Jordan was smart she’d go after either him or Michelle.

We move back into the other bedroom, and Natalie asks Lydia how many times she hooked up with Jessie. Lydia won’t answer, but Natalie says that she knows. She eventually spills the beans about their “good times”, as we see footage of Jessie’s tent. Natalie says that’s why she didn’t like her, but the room gets a bit chillier when Kevin says that he was playing both of them - with Natalie being plan A and Lydia being plan B. Kevin complains in the diary room that the two women needed to has this out on their own, which they indeed do in another room. They both conclude that Jessie was an ass.

It’s now the next morning, and to make it so none of them go home he says they have to create a “complete fabrication”. Natalie’s idea is that they overheard a conversation between Russell and Michelle for a final two deal. “If this plan works, I am a genius”, claims Natalie. I hate to admit this, but she’s right. They also stupidly come up with a name for their plan, but I’m not going to waste time with it here.

Kevin begins the operation by talking to Jeff, although he says that it’s hard for him to lie. He claims that from this point on he’s going to be looking out for Jeff, and then tells the phony story of the overheard conversation. “Russell said that next week was important because we have to split up the couple. After he’s gone, us two can go all the way to the end.” Jeff stupidly tells Kevin that they were thinking of going after Russell next week, but they may have to do it this week. Even Kevin admits that Jeff is an idiot for believing this.

Jeff runs upstairs to inform Jordan of this conversation, but Jordan says she thinks that Michelle was just listening. Jordan still wants to evict Natalie, but Jeff says they may have to backdoor Russell. For once, Jordan is the voice of reason, pointing out that they need the numbers. Jeff asks if she thinks Kevin would lie. As Jordan says no, we see Kevin jumping for joy with the other girls.

It’s now time for Julie’s insipid talk with the house, and she starts with asking Jeff about the mystery power. He says he has no regrets, and that it was good game play. Kevin is then asked about feeling guilty for “HiroChima”’s expulsion, and he says that he felt he could do more to calm her down. Lydia is then asked about shedding tears over Jessie, and she emphatically says she’s completely over him. “Let’s just say that if I get put in the jury house, he’s got one angry pink-haired lady for a week”. I say she protests a bit too much. Julie jokes that she almost wants to see this happen. Jordan is asked what she thought was the best part of being HOH, and she predictably says the letter, pictures, and being able to take a bubble bath.

After commercials, we see Natalie claiming her HOH competition prize of the phone call from home. It’s sweet, but let’s get to the real stuff!!!

Ok, here we go with the veto competition, with everybody but Russell playing. The game is called “Before and After”, and they have to step ahead or behind based on two events that Julie describes. Everybody gets the first question correct, but Lydia, Jeff, and Natalie are eliminated on the next question. Everybody is correct again, but Kevin is eliminated on the next question. Jordan and Michelle are the only ones left, and they both are right on the next four questions, so Julie has a tie-breaker question of how many truffles were in the giant mud pit. Jordan guesses 60, and Michelle guesses 50. The answer is 104, so Jordan has won again!

It’s on to the veto ceremony, and Natalie and Lydia both spout silliness before Jordan decides to NOT use the veto. One of the girls is going home!

After commercials, we go right to the final speeches. Natalie goes first, and she talks about losing her two best allies but really wants to stay. “I have no alliances; no deals.” Lydia then says to vote for whomever will get them the farthest in the house.

Voting now starts with Russell, who votes to evict Lydia. Michelle also votes to evict Lydia, as does Jeff. Kevin, though, votes to evict Natalie. It’s 3 - 1, with Lydia off to spend a week with Jessie!

When Julie announces the news, Lydia doesn’t act too surprised. She hugs Kevin, while Natalie hugs everybody else for keeping her. Lydia’s not too pleased, though, as she almost sprints out the door in her Captain Unitard costume to loud applause.

Instead of watching the house react to Lydia’s departure, we head right to commercials before Julie’s interview with Lydia. Let me guess - lots of Jessie question. Not at first, though, as Julie asks why she snubbed everybody but Kevin. She says that Kevin is her only friend in the game, and that “everybody else can kick rocks” (what does that even mean?). Julie then asks about bonding with Natalie, and Lydia says “that was tough”. Good one! “I got a kid sister that I really didn’t want.” Julie notes that she seemed to throw in the towel in her last speech, and she admits that to be the case but it was worth it because instead of a half million she got a new best friend. Hmmmmm.

Julie then moves on to talk about Chima, and whether she was partly to blame for her eviction. Lydia agrees because her leaving really changed the game. “Having that strong female gone really weakened me.” She also is asked about Michelle, and Lydia babbles about “true colors”.

Ok, here’s the predictable question about Lydia being alone with Jessie for a week. “He’s going to need ice packs. He played Natalie and myself like a fiddle.” I bet they make up within an hour.

Finally, we move on to the HOH competition, and the players are on a ledge for a game called “Can Do”. they have to toss cans into a barell, and the first to get 24 cans wins. If nobody gets to 24 within an hour, then the person with the most wins. So much for an endurance competition. Kevin is the first to get a can in his tube shortly before we head to the final set of commercials.

When we return, Julie introduces a dumb “Mashup Video” contest, and Kevin and Michelle are tied with 4 cans a piece, with Jeff close behind at 3. To make the game harder, platforms start moving in and out. Yeah, exciting stuff, but that’s how we end tonight!

Tuesday
Aug182009

Big Brother - Season 11, Episode 18 Recap

AKA: The Ballad of Chima Simone


Before we begin with tonight’s recap, I must apologize for not having a report on Sunday’s episode. I spent the weekend with a lovely young woman in Colorado, and really didn’t feel up to doing anything but sleep when I returned home late Sunday evening.

From what I’ve been told, though, Sunday’s episode was a bore, particularly since the happenings in the house over the weekend completely trumped what they showed from Thursday and Friday. Our little Chima certainly outdone herself, and I find it hilarious that all of this came about because her simpleton buddy Jessie was evicted.

One last thing before we head to the recap. At times, I sort of liked Chima. Really, I did. She’s a pretty smart woman whose clearly gone through a lot in her life. Yet any sympathy I had for her has completely dissipated since I read these tweets:

“Keep talking bitches! You’re making me famous.”

“Facitious (sic), Simulated, Concocted, Fabricated, Manufactured, Deceptive, Delusive, Misleading, Unathenticated, Pseudo, Sham, Bogus, Unreal”

“I find it hilarious that most of my detractors are ugly or fat. Sometimes a combination of the two. High school all over again. LOL!”

Classy, my dear…if it is you.

So we start, as always, with the reactions to Michelle’s nominations of Chima and Natalie. Michelle says that even though she likes Chima, she has to “keep my mind straight and remember I’m in the Big Brother house to win a half million dollars. I don’t think my friendship with Chima is worth $500,000.”

Russell thanks Michelle, and hugs her as the girls walk into one of the bedrooms. Lydia is livid. “What the fuck?” Natalie points out that Michelle did what “they” want her to do. “I’ve done nothing but be kind to her”, claims Chima, and Lydia verifies this by saying that she stood up for her. “I know. I know. She totally fucked me on that.”

Russell and Jordan are up in the HOH with Michelle, Jeff, and Russell. They know that Chima is going to cause chaos because of her nomination (but obviously have no idea just how much she’ll create). Russell tells her not to worry, because they all know who each others friends are. Jordan adds in the diary room that “one of them needs to go, preferably Chima. They’re the biggest group of whiners I’ve ever met. They complain constantly. I think they’re rude. The list just goes on.”

Jeff turns on the spy cam, and Jordan notes that this is what they do after they nominated somebody from their group. “This is the exact scenario“, says Jeff, “except we didn’t run off and pout.” Jordan adds that Chima is one of the strongest people in the house, and Jeff adds that “she’s one of the hugest bitches I’ve ever met in my whole life. She’s a nightmare.”

Chima is now seen in the red room, telling the rest of her team that she wants to go home. Kevin, as usual, tries to be the voice of reason. “Don’t quit. Don’t ever quit. If you leave, you’d be screwing me. You’d be screwing us who are left, because then your vote would be gone from the jury house.” More Michelle bashing ensues, and Chima claims she’s always kept her word. “It’s a complete stab in the back.” Kevin says she just needs to win POV, and Chima adds that she’s not going to let Michelle boot her out of the house.

A few people are now sitting in the kitchen when Big Brother announces the inside lockdown is over. Kevin looks outside, and there’s a “practice version” of the POV competition. Lydia sarcastically says “sweet”, and Natalie repeats what Kevin just said. (BTW, it’s a one-hole miniature golf setup.) Natalie tells Kevin that he needs to go wake up Chima, “because we’re the ones who need to practice”. Kevin says he’s happy to try to motivate her because she needs to win, but Chima is buried under her blanket. She wanders out, and BB immediately implores her to put on her microphone. She says she doesn’t “give a fuck”, and Natalie tells Lydia to go get it. Chima tells her not to bother.

The rest of the house is still sitting in the kitchen, and in the diary room Jordan complains that Chima “is a diva. She’s been braking rules since day one, and she acts like the rules don’t apply to her.” We then see a montage of her ignoring BB instructions and promising chaos if Jeff uses the mystery power. “They tell me to get up, I’m laying down. They tell me to go to the diary room; it’s going to take a long time.” At one point, the covers the bedroom camera with a blanket.

But back to the backyard incident. Chima is now practicing the golf game, and Kevin describes the rule about wearing microphones as we see him wandering into the bedroom to get Chima’s mic. Natalie grabs it from Kevin, and she hands it to Chima, who lobs it into the sauna before continuing her practice.

Lydia says in the diary room that she ‘was mortified”, as Natalie attempts to dig it out of the sauna. Natalie says to say it “fell out of her hand”, and reminds Chima that she could be forced to pay for it. “Yeah, whatever.”

Everybody has now gradually come out into the backyard, as Lydia and Chima are sitting on the washer and dryer (to prevent others from using it, as per their genius plan). Again, BB instructs Chima to come in to exchange her microphone. “I’m not going anywhere.” Kevin again goes off to help Chima, who tells him to “stop”. Natalie warns her that she’s going to hit her with the mallet if she doesn’t stop.

In the dairy room, Jeff says that “all” the people in the house were telling her to “please” put on her microphone. Kevin has brought it out for her, and after BB instructs her to put it on, she says “fuck off. You guys can suck cock.” Lydia jokes that she’ll now be Natalie’s best friend if Chima leaves. Again, Chima takes off her microphone and lays it down on the dryer.

We move on to later in the night, and the girls (and Kevin) are in the bedroom. Chima says the she “feels defeated”, and Natalie advises her to not let the other side get to her. Lydia points out that there is an exit door, and Chima yells at the BB announcement for her to go to the diary room. She adds that her whole HOH week was a joke against her, and promises to “create all kinds of havoc”. She again says she’s not going to the diary room, and that they have to come to her. Producer Allison Grodner now comes on, and tells her that she has to come to the diary room. Natalie continues to try to inspire her, but Chima clearly isn’t listening.

Chima heads into the diary room, and is greeted by a staffer…and we go to commercials.

When we return, everybody is seen waiting for Chima’s return, and Kevin says he feels that Chima won’t be returning and that she’ll have to pay for that mic. Lydia repeats the lie about dropping the mic, and Kevin points out that “they’re (BB) not stupid. They have 10,000 cameras.” Again, Grodner’s voice comes on the loudspeaker, telling everybody to gather in the living room.

Grodner announces that because Chima obviously didn’t want to follow the rules, and destroyed a piece of production equipment she has been expelled. Kevin cries out, “this is stupid”, and Lydia asks if they should pack her stuff. Continuing to repeat that it’s stupid, Kevin breaks down crying.

Meanwhile, Jeff is outside calling her a “nuisance and a menace…we’re playing a game, man”. Jordan adds that she “lost all respect for all of them”, and Michelle wants everybody to treat each other with respect.

The other side is packing, and Natalie starts in on how it’s all Michelle’s fault. Lydia, of all people, tells her that “now is not the time”, and that Chima needs help. Natalie continues, whining about how they “took her HOH power away”. Again, Lydia is actually making sense, and that they need to focus on getting the people that screwed the three of them.

After commercials, Michelle gathers everybody into the living room to announce that since Chima left her duties as HOH are over. A new HOH competition is about to begin, and Kevin, Natalie, and Lydia feel they have new life.

They head outside, and the competition is indeed involving the mini-golf from the previous night. Jeff says that it “just looks like a fun day”. Natalie says that this is the most important HOH of the game, and also claims that she “has been running this house”. Oh really? Others basically repeat the same story about the importance of this game.

Lydia goes first, and after complaining about how “sick” she is at being on the block, her ball lands in the “6” spot. Jordan is up next, and has to beat Lydia’s score to stay in the game. She gets a “3” to stay in the game, and Natalie scores a “2”. (Like golf, the lowest score wins.) Russell gets a hole in one, as does Jeff. To stay in the game, Kevin has to score higher than Lydia’s “6”, and indeed gets a hole in one.

Lydia is out, and the prize she chooses is the HOH. Unfortunately, she won’t get to keep it very long. She’s happy to learn there’s champagne, though.

Jordan starts off the next round with a hole in one, and Natalie gets a “7”. Russell again gets a hole in one, as does Jeff and Kevin. Natalie is now out, and her prize is a Hawaiian vacation. She decides to keep it, since the HOH key will be taken anyway. Kevin is not happy that it’s now up to him to win.

Jeff starts off round three with a hole in one, and Jordan scores a “2”. Russell bounces out of the hole in one hole, and is out with a score of “7”. His prize is the phone call from home, but trades it with Natalie’s Hawaiian vacation. Natalie starts crying because it’s the “best thing that could happen to me”. She thanks Russell, who say she did it for his parents and not her. Russell believes her crying was fake.

Jeff gets another hole in one in round four, but Kevin’s ball lands in the “5”. Jordan gets a four, so Kevin is now out. She tells Kevin that he’s safe when they hug. Kevin’s prize is $5,000, and he says he’s going to keep it. Lydia complains that “evil prevails”.

Jordan goes first in the last round, and scores a “4”. Lydia bitches from the sidelines that “they’re going ot string you along, and cut you at the end”, which sets Jeff off. Before his attempt, Jeff asks Jordan if she wants HOH, and she says she does. He purposely hits it off the playing field, which Russell says is a “classy move”. Jeff’s prize is a spa experience, which he trades with Russell for the Hawaiian vacation. Jordan’s prize is a Captain Unitard costume, which she trades with Lydia for the HOH key. “Be a puppet, Jordan”, complains Lydia. “The dumb ho will be cut at the end.” Again, Jeff goes off on her, which ends with Lydia calling her a “ho puppet” before storming off. Again, she starts bitching about how they screwed over Jessie and Chima.

Lydia’s not done, though. It’s later in the day, and Michelle is talking with Jordan about Natalie’s attitude. Lydia overhears, and slams the door open. “Good job”, Michelle sarcastically says. “Wear your unitard, bitch.”

After laughing with Natalie, Lydia runs out into the kitchen and dumps Michelle’s leftover HOH beers and food. “Vote me out, seriously.” Jeff says that she’s staying, and he and Russell start laughing. This goes back and forth before Jeff asks her how she’s going to get them out when she’s the first one out of every competition. Oh no you didn’t!

Jeff asks what’s wrong with her, and she complains again about kicking out Jessie. Jeff says that it’s just a game, and they should enjoy their time. Lydia says she’s going to keep yelling all week, while Michelle stands there with a grin. “You guys are a waste of space”, Lydia bitches with just a bit of a slur. Somehow, Lydia thinks that going into the diary room with her will prove what a man he is. She heads into the diary room alone, and starts bawling about wanting to talk to Ronnie, Chima, or Jessie as Jeff continues to try to create a truce with the rest of the house. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work, and he ends up as heated as the rest.

As we’re rushing to the end, Jordan finally gets to see her HOH room. Natalie and Kevin heads up, but there’s no sign of Lydia. As with most of these gatherings, Jordan starts crying as she reads her letter from home, especially when she finds out that after two years she finally gets her own room. They all laugh when Jordan reads a line about not using any more dirty words. We also rush through Lydia’s Captain Unitard outfit, and Lydia does seem to be a bit more cheery.

Now, it’s finally time for the nominations. At least we run through this quickly, and don’t have to deal with all of the babbling about how everybody doesn’t want to be nominated. The first key belongs to Michelle, followed by Jeff, Kevin, and Russell. As anybody could expect, Natalie and Lydia are nominated.

Jordan says that she nominated Lydia because the other day she said she wanted to leave. “I’m giving you the opportunity.” Natalie was nominated because she’s a strong player “but no hard feelings. You still have the veto to play…” “And I plan on winning it”, Natalie responds.

Neither are surprised, but Lydia says she’s “not ready to just let them evict me”. Jordan says she wants to evict Natalie, who complains how she’s been nominated three times in the past three days.

So that’s it. Not quite as shocking as expected, but still one of the best Tuesday episodes ever.