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Entries in Episode Recap (107)

Tuesday
Jul022013

Big Brother Season 15, Episode 3 Recap

A word of warning before we begin. There’s a great chance that this recap is going to be a bit angrier than usual. There will probably even be a cuss word or two. It may even be cut off before the show is over.

Why, you ask? Because tonight looks to be a nightmare come true for me. One person is going to dominate the proceedings. A person who shouldn’t be in the house, in my opinion. A person whose voice is harder to understand than J-U-Double-D.

I’m sure you know exactly who I’m talking about, and there’s no way that the majority of TV time isn’t devoted to her. At the very least, there will be segments about how the house doesn’t like her, her (not very) shocking MVP win, her participation in the veto competition, and the final veto meeting. That’s not even including the inevitable cameo by her supposedly “legendary” family member.

So here we go, starting off with another endless recap of what we’ve seen already this year. Once finished, the show predictably provides diary room comments concerning the nominations of Candice and Jessie. You know the drill. The nominees are pissed, the HOH is happy, and most of the rest of the house is relieved it’s not them. Ok, it is funny when Candice says she’s not going to cry, and is then shown crying in the diary room.

Elissa is talking to Amanda, and is happy with the nominations as she thought she’d be the first person evicted. Standing just a foot or two away is Candice, who gives her the stink eye. In the diary room she says that she thought she’d be put up because she was Rachel’s sister. “i’m back in this game, and I’m going to win this season of Big Brother.”

In the storage room, Nick and Jeremy celebrate the success of The Moving Company. Nick really doesn’t care who is going home as long as it is not one of them.

Jessie is now in the HOH, and she is freaking out. McCrae tells her to cool out, and assures Jessie that she’s just a pawn. McCrae admits in the diary room that he doesn’t really care if she goes home or not. Candice joins the gathering, and immediately starts laying in to McCrae. “I guess I should have been your fucking shadow or something.” Jessie leaves, and McCrae says he “doesn’t do well with conflict”. He reminds her that there is a third nominee, but Candice is still pissed. She says that it is perceived that he is in an alliance with the other boys, but McCrae denies it. Of course, this means that Candice is definitely going to win veto. “Game on for everybody.” Where is this Candice on the feeds?

We move on to MVP talk. Jeremy is wondering who it may be, and Jessie actually has a coherent thought. She believes it will be Elissa, thanks to her sister. Jeremy doesn’t like this favoritism. Just in case you forgot about the Rachel/Elissa connection, we get yet ANOTHER montage of every house guest predicting that Elissa will win thanks to Rachel.

This comes to a head when a number of people are in the HOH with Elissa, and Jeremy and Amanda are talking about this very fact. Elissa is coy, though. “I think my sister’s fans are going to vote for me, because she has awesome fans.” She then says her sister is a supermodel, and claims to be related to Giselle Buncheon. Jeremy is confused, as he has no idea who Giselle is.

Now we get the MVP segment. A barefooted lass heads into the diary room, and sure enough it is Elissa. She opens an envelope that announces her victory, and is shocked. SHOCKED! “This is crazy!” She goes into full Rachel mode to thank America for her victory.

Elissa then heads into the HOH with McCrae, and she tells him that she has indeed won. “I am so flattered, and so excited.” She says in the diary room that she wants him to help her pick that third nominee, and McCrae couldn’t be happier. He immediately points to David, because he is such an awesome competitor!

Elissa isn’t so sure, though. She thinks Nick is a “bigger threat”. She then asks for a promise not to put her up, and McCrae says that he HAS to if somebody is to be replaced. This does not make Elissa happy. “Why would you do that? This changes everything.” He tries to reassure her that she would be safe, but Elissa’s frozen mouth almost moves into a frowning position.

After commercials, it is time for filler. At least it’s not Elissa filler. Well, it’s almost worse, as we have to endure the Aaryn/David relationship. David informs her that he lives with his mother, and only works during the summer. Aaryn can’t believe it, but he thinks that she thinks it’s cool. No, she doesn’t.

With that, we move on to the unveiling of the MVP nomination. Elissa has “secretly” chosen...drum roll please...David. Aaryn is pissed! Even more pissed than David, who thinks he is the “most likable guy in the house”. Elissa explains that she did it to possibly get McCrae to not put her up as a replacement nominee.

It’s now time to choose the veto players. In a change from last year, David has to pick both of the other players. He pulls out Howard and Elissa’s names. Candice says she has to “bring her Candy Land A-Game if I want to win this veto”.

WIth the meeting adjourned, David and Aaryn head into the bedroom for some dry humping. That’s the way to cheer up a surfer. David, though, is still confused and betrayed. “I feel like the whole house is against me.” He thinks the entire house wants him gone, but everybody else that comes into the bedroom are just as confused.

Poor Aaryn is upset, though, that David would actually think any negative thoughts about her. “I’m all about helping him out. I care about him way more than the game.” She hides away in the photo booth area to cry until David comes along to apologize.

Oh, the little Aryan youth is pissed, and lays into him for making him cry in front of everybody. “It feels like betrayal.” David says that he’s “mind-boggled” that she’s pissed at him when it’s him that is on the block. “I didn’t realize it was that dramatic of a situation.” He asks her if they’re good, and she continues to bitch at him.

Elissa enters the bedroom where Jeremy and Jessie are sitting, and asks them who they believe won MVP. “You didn’t get it with all of your fans?” Jeremy complains that she had said that she’d win with all of her sister’s fans. “I never said that”, replies Elissa. In case you forgot, the clip from ten minutes earlier was played. Jeremy is pissed.

McCrae and Amanda are now in the HOH, and Amanda says that he can’t win the veto or he’ll look like “too much of a threat”. McCrae says he hopes he can trust her, and this pisses her off. He decides that the way to get her to trust him is to share a “juicy secret” with her, and informs Amanda that Elissa won MVP. She is not to share it with anybody. Amanda wants her to “come clean soon, or she’ll have a bigger target on her”.

Elissa then head into the HOH, and McCrae tells her that he just old Amanda the big secret. “You’re screwing me over! You hate me! I thought we were working together!” Downstairs, Amanda is recruiting people to “save” McCrae.

Jeremy wants to clear up the sister comments, and she claims she never said them. Elissa explains who Giselle is to Jeremy, who says that if he won MVP he’d tell her. For some reason, though, Elissa believes this is abusive behavior. Now Jeremy is a dope who in the house has shown some questionable traits, but he’s actually cool and calm here while Elissa goes into full Rachel mode.

It’s now veto competition time, and GinaMarie screeches something about some person from the American Baking Competition show hosting the event. I have no idea who this person is, or what show she’s is talking about. They head outside, and Howard is pleased he is going to see “honeys in honey”.

The competition is called the Big Brother Baking Competition. They have to crawl through the honey to the batter, where giant “blueberries” contain letters. Then those letters are to be used to spell a word. The longest word correctly spelled wins.

After the usual “I need to win” comments, the competition begins. I won’t bore you with the usual wacky comments from the competitors, and will just jump to the results. Howard correctly spelled “sailing”, but he doesn’t want to win. Jessie spelled “tumbled”, to tie Howard (who still is in the lead). Candice completely failed, spelling “rafts”. Amanda is not impressed. “Has nobody taken a third grade English class?”

David is even worse. He doesn’t have a word, which makes Andy laugh. Elissa then unveils her word, or should I say words, as she claims “potroasts” is a word. It’s obviously not. She’s “devastated”. It’s all up to McCrae, and he wins by default by spelling “delivery”. Even without trying, he has won veto. “This is like a huge pizza delivery with no tip.”

It’s time for some filler again, as Elissa and Helen talk about how hard it is to be on the show. At least Helen actually makes an appearance on tonight’s show. Helen says it’s “important for me to keep her spirits up”.

Back outside, Elissa ask to talk to McCrae, as she feels she has been betrayed by him. She attempts to talk him out of putting her up. It’s just not fair, as Jessie and Candice didn’t have a target on them like she has. Wait, have I heard this before? He says that he has to put her up, but that doesn’t mean she’s going home. McCrae admits to feeling guilty, but fourteen allies are better than one. “I can’t go against the wishes of the house.”

McCrae is now in the HOH, and Nick comes in to talk to him. He thinks the Moving Company shouldn’t use the veto at all to ensure “Blondie” goes home. Nick thinks that Elissa can be useful to them, and that David needs to go home. “He’s a mega threat.” McCrae, though, thinks he’ll be “target number one” if he doesn’t put her up, and says he doesn’t know what he’s going to do.

It’s now that time. Everybody fulfills their camera obligations. McCrae stares at the wall of keys, while the nominees and other cast members talk about how they don’t want to be on the block. McCrae finally calls them into the house, and announces that he is going to use the veto on Candice. She is then replaced by Elissa, and says it is because she “creates a lot of waves in here, and it would be better for the harmony of the house if you went home this week.”

You can guess the final comments. Candice is happy, Aaryn is not worried, and David is “not too thrilled”. Elissa gets the last word, and she is “really sad” to be on the block. “He betrayed my trust.” Oh wait, the real final word comes from McCrae, who says that Elissa is NOT the actual target.

There you have it. The Elissa Show, featuring fifteen other co-stars! What did you think of tonight’s episode? Are you starting to believe that Aryn is a controlling little twit? Or that David may be the dumbest person to ever appear on Big Brother? Comments please. Pretty please?

 

Sunday
Jun302013

Big Brother Season 15, Episode 2 Recap

Tonight is one of the few times when the Sunday night show is full of unseen material, as it will consist of nothing but pre-live feed material. Hopefully, a few questions will be answered. Why are people shunning Elissa (besides the reasons I would do this)? Why are the current nominees on the block? How did the various alliances get formed? Most importantly, how did Jeremy go from Jessie to Kaitlin? And why would either girl even want him?

The drink is mixed, the Tylenol has been swallowed, and the garbage pail is next to me...so it must be time to begin! After the reminder of everything that happened on Wednesday’s show, we kick off with yet another recap! Yes, things have not changed in the Big Brother production department.

This replay is about the new MVP twist. In case you forgot what was said, Nick has to explain it to us once again. Everybody is scared because of the secrecy. “It kind of changes everything. You have to be nice to everybody.” Aaryn thinks it’s “awesome” as she’s going to win it “more than once”.

Meanwhile, Jessie says this makes it hard for the HOH, because one of his nominees may not go home. “Now you have two targets on your back.” The current HOH, McCrae, agrees, and looks worried. “I could get a lot of blood on my hands and not get what I wanted.”

We move into the lounge area, and Jeremy and Judd are complaining that it will be nothing but girls that win MVP. Judd says that Kaitlin will win, and Jeremy’s reply is that “she’s got my MVP”. They run down all of the hot girls in the house, and even I can understand Judd for the first time. Jeremy says that since he’ll never know who is the MVP, “I’m going to have to have a snuggle session with each and every one of these beautiful ladies. You know what, I don’t think that will be too hard.” Good luck with that, bra.

We’re now in the bathroom with the young hotties (Kaitlin, Aaryn, Jessie), and Kaitlin says she didn’t want to win HOH. Nick interrupts for a second, and after he walks away Kaitlin and Jessie talk about how cute he is. “It’s like we have things in common”, says Jessie. I’ll refrain from commenting on that. Kaitlin tells her to “go for it”. The three decides to create some code words for the boys - Kenneth (David), Manhattan (Nick), and The Sailor (Jeremy). Wait, they change Nick to “Big”. “You like the Sailor”, says Jessie. Both Aaryn and Kaitlin give dirty looks to that claim. Kaitlin goes on to make fun of his voice. (Foreshadowing alert!)

Ugh, it’s the “who wants to see my HOH room” segment. I hate this shit. I don’t give a fuck, even when they start making fun of Rachel. God, that awful whiney voice of Elissa now gets a diary room segment. She decides to not let anybody know they’re related. Yeah, that will last long.

It’s time for some filler, as Jeremy and Nick play some hackysack. Nick questions Jeremy about his thoughts on the house, and Nick wants to bring in Howard and Spencer. Jeremy just says yes to everything, and he is excited because those two are already in an alliance with him. “I’m cool with that plan.”

Nick moves on to those two to invite them in, and they both agree. Nick wants to have a late-night chat with all of them so that they can bring McCrae into the fold. After showing some weird hippy dance from McCrae, Nick does come in to butter him up. McCrae wants to guess the list of this alliance, and he guesses correctly except for Spencer. McCrae agrees this is a good idea, saying “this is a good offer. An offer I shouldn’t refuse.”

Spencer, Jeremy and Howard then head up, and they go through all of their roles. Jeremy says he is “flabbergasted by all of the talent in this room.” Nick thinks this whole group will be final five, but thinks that David is their one big threat. McCrae thinks he should put up two girls, with the real plan to go after him. Howard says “if you put up the right two, they’ll kill each other anyway”. Nick says that getting rid of him will make it so that the only other physical threat is removed.

The meeting adjourns with the most important part of the conversation - the alliance name. I’m actually surprised they took this long. Remember when The Brigade came up with the name before they even created their team? Yeah, so this is called The Moving Company. McCrae says he “feels amazing” to be both HOH AND have a power alliance!

After commercials, it’s showmance time! David asks Aaryn to go sit in the hammock, saying that she is the perfect girl for him. She immediately starts talking about how in competitions, he has to save her. “I just like really need you to like work hard and make sure that I stay safe and I’ll never put you up.” They’re a power couple, yo! David says this is perfect, as he came into the house MORE for a showmance than the money anyway. “She’s way smarter than me, and I’m ready for some action.”

Jessie is clearly boy crazy, and complains to Amanda that she doesn’t know who she likes. Amanda suggest either Nick or Jeremy, and she does like both of them. Amanda asks if she gets any vibes from Nick, and Jessie says that they flirt. She wants Amanda to go ask him if she likes him, and Amanda complains it is like being at a Bieber show. She does a pretty good job at impersonating her, actually. Jessie’s main problem is that she doesn’t want to look stupid. Too late, baby. Amanda suggests that she just go sleep with McCrae instead. (For those watching the feeds, that’s an interesting comment.)

Oooh, it’s J-U-DOUBLE-D time! He is in the HOH with McCrae, and informs him that “I know for a fact that Elissa is Rachel Reilly’s sister”. McCrae actually didn’t know until that moment, and realizes that she really is a clone. Others are talking about the same thing. In fact, everybody is talking about it. David is completely perplexed, in fact. “Aaryn is one smart cookie.” Um, no. She’s not. Stop it. And please stop this segment. It’s gone on way way too long, even though it is funny that Amanda is embarrassed that she didn’t figure it out.

We return from another commercial break with the Have/Have Not competition. McCrae is dressed like a safari guide, and announces the rules for the game. It’s called Kooler and the Gang, and it’s a giant campground. Judd is happy because it’s “almost like home”. They have to race across the lake, grab a soda can, and place it on a platform held by the rest of the team. Another then runs in, and they have to form a pyramid with these cans.

After some comments about how they just can’t be a Have-not, the competition begins. I won’t bore you with a play-by-play, but the losers end up being Andy, Howard, Elissa, Judd, and Helen. The segment ends with the unveiling of the Have-Not room, a recreation of the inside of an airplane, and they all complain.

Now a handful are sitting outside, rehashing the Have-Not competition. They all make fun of Judd’s paddling, and then Amanda says she wants to “fucking vent”. Kaitlin immediately starts complaining about how Candice wouldn’t listen to any direction, and that she liked her until that night. Amanda doesn’t disagree. “She’s got to go”, says Kaitlin.

Amanda is sucking on a popsicle in the HOH when we return from more adverts, discussing with McCrae how tough it must be to the be the first HOH. Amanda says “everybody wants a slice of the pizza boy” (oh, how I could have fun with that line), and she wants to have a voice in the nominee selections. She goes on to tell him that nobody likes Jessie, and that it’s not smart to put up strong guys. “Jessie has a way better ass than me, and I’m a little jealous”, she says in the diary room. McCrae is confused. “Putting up weak players can definitely keep the target off of my back, but it could be a waste of my HOH.” Smart thinking, pizza boy.

A bit later, Elissa walks into the room. She apologizes for not knocking, and says in the diary room that she’s worried that the secret will be “coming out soon”. She decides to tell McCrae, and he tells her that she doesn’t want to act like Rachel did during her time. As a superfan, though, he claims to be excited. It’s exciting to have her around, but “if I don’t try to take her out, it could come back to haunt me.”

Now Jessie,  Aaryn, and David are in the HOH, asking what his plans are. McCrae says the idea is to come up with something that ensure his safety for the next week. Jessie says the safe move would be Elissa and Helen, with Elissa being the target. “She’s for sure 100% to be Rachel’s sister. And what if she’s not even here to play the actual game? What if she’s here for like as sabotage?” Hmmm, maybe David is right. Aaryn is smart, you guys! Poor McCrae is even more confused. “Bottom line is that I have to play this game for me!”

Before we get to the nominees, The Moving Company has a meeting. Well, Nick and McCrae do. Nick wants two girls up, or possibly David. Elissa’s name is also brought up once again.

Finally, we’re at the moment of truth. Will the nominee be surfer boy? Will it be the dim bulb booty chicks? Or will we get the thrill of our life and see that Reilly monster sweat it out as a nominee?

McCrae brings in the house, and the keys start coming out. The first key belongs to Nick, followed by Jeremy, David, Aaryn, Kaitlin, GinaMarie, Elissa, Helen, Amanda, Andy, Howard, Spencer, and Judd. Jessie and Candice are nominated!

McCrae gives generic bullshit reasons for his nominations, which pisses off Jessie. She says she’s going to win POV and come after him. Elissa is so relieved, as she was convinced she’d be put up every week “just like Rachel”. Candice says she’s “not ready to go home”, and cries as she wants to win. McCrae explains that he put up the two least favorite people in the house, and hopes that the MVP is the one to get blood on their hands.

So that’s it! We didn’t get all of our questions answered, but quite a few of them. What did you think of tonight’s episode? Does the nominations now make sense? Let me know your thoughts!

 

Wednesday
Jun262013

Big Brother Season 15, Episode 1 Recap

The wait is finally over. Nine months since that little weasel Ian shocked the world by winning season 14, the fifteenth season is about to commence. We’ve sat through various rumors and carefully-released info concerning this new season, and we’re not entirely sure what is going to happen tonight. What is this “MVP” stuff? How is this third nominee setup going to work? Why is another Reilly on the show?

I’m starting this recap an hour early, writing a few words as I prepare for tonight’s show. I’ve got the Slingbox set up to grab screen caps. The first whiskey-coke has been consumed, and the second one is about to be mixed. Next to my drink, I have aspirin, Rolaids, and Xanax. I also have a garbage can to my side, ready for the vomit that will undoubtedly come up when Elissa first utters a word. I think I’m ready.

Before we get to the show, though, a couple of other points of interest and disclaimers. If you haven’t yet my profiles of each of this year’s contestants, you may want to check them out. I’m bound to go back to them just to see if my first impressions inside the house differ from what I’ve published and/or said on last Saturday’s Big Brother Gossip Show. It is next to impossible to get a clear picture of these folks, especially based on twenty minutes or so of video interviews.

I’m also not a fan of many of the Big Brother cliches, particularly on the first show of the season. You won’t see much coverage of the phony footage of house guests receiving their keys at work or home, nor will I say much about the rush into the house. And I really don’t give a shit about the house layout, or the new front of the house that was unveiled in a photo earlier today. I still would love to see CBS copy the UK’s Big Brother and make the first episode a real event. That would make too much sense, though.

The time is now here, and the anticipation is high! Hey wait, it’s starting with  Julie Chen in the house! That’s new! After a bit of her babbling, we kick off with the handing of the keys to the new houseguests. Helen is first, and she is hysterical. Well, they all are a bit.

Oooh, the first shot of Aaryn is smoking! She also says she’s a dirty girl. I think I’m in love! Nick is next, and he babbles some more about the Spiderman garbage that he said in his interviews. Helen then talks about being a mom who works in politics. “Big Brother is no different.” Spencer is shown conducting trains to end that first group.

Then the nightmare begins. The surfer dude, David, gets his key (“no frickin’ way”), and there is that voice. The scream of the banshees. The voice that causes dogs to howl for miles away. Yes, Rachel is shown handing her sister, Elissa, her key. I can’t. I just can’t comment more.

David thinks he’s a stud, Elissa shows her yoga skills (with more Rachel garbage), Andy is shown teaching college, and my girl Kaitlin’s eyebrows show up. Sorry, Colette, she is still hot.

Another group of goofballs is then introduced, starting with pizza boy McCrae. He’s a self-professed clown, guys. Then it’s on to pageant director, GinaMarie, youth counselor Howard, and helium-voice Jessie. I’m actually not paying much attention to what these people are saying.

Finally, the last four include deck boy Jeremy, big breasted realtor Amanda (hi, Amanda’s ad), pageant girl Candice, and country boy J-U-DoubleD. Um, yeah.

We then see more reactions of all of them, including Elissa’s “vision board” of past winners (gross). Again, I’m not real interested here.

Suddenly, they’re all on the stage, and Julie is asking if they’re ready. Guess what their response is? She says this year will be harder than ever, and the usual stuff they say every season.

First into the house are Candice, GinaMarie, Judd, and Andy. They run in to the usual “OMG” and various screeches. Judd seems to attempt to grab GinaMarie, though. Good luck with that, and babbles something incomprehensible about her. GinaMarie runs into the shower to see if her boobs will show. They do.

A bad edit leads us to the next group, which consists of Elissa, Jeremy, Kaitlyn, and McCrae. Wash and rinse, as it is about the same as the first group. Jeremy ends up in the bathroom while looking for a bedroom. McCrae says that he’s completely overwhelmed, as he is so different from the rest of the house. “My social game is going to be crucial.”

Another bad edit shows Julie announcing that it is now time for Howard, Helen, Jesse, and Nick to go in. Howard is impressed by all of the ladies, particularly Elissa and GinaMarie, who jumps off a bed into his arms. “We like our muscles. Howard definitely has muscles.”

Of course, Elissa gets more airtime than anybody else, and she says she wants to create an all-girl alliance. All of the girls are shown in the bedroom listening to GinaMarie shriek, but Kaitlin says she generally doesn’t get along with girls. “The cattiness and drama is just around the corner.” Jessie, meanwhile, is not impressed with the other girls. “I still think I’m the prettiest girl.”

Finally, Aaryn, Amanda, David, and Spencer get to enter. Aaryn doesn’t want to sleep with a strange boy, but it’s a problem because all of the beds are taken. David’s quandry is whether to bunk with a girl or go “bro/bro”. Spencer, though can’t wait to start evicting.

Champagne is then served, and GinaMarie is the first to introduce herself...loudly. Candice is not impressed. Maybe my mind will change on her. Ugh,, Judd uses the “let’s get this party started line”. That would be enough for me to evict.

David has nothing to say except that he’s a lifeguard. Suddenly, Judd is happy because “people may not think I’m the dumbest guy in the house”. Jessie is impressed with Jeremy, though, because he apparently looks like a Twilight character. *shrugs* Amanda, on the other hand, is attracted to Nick.

Helen believes that saying she’s involved in politics will be a negative, so she’s hiding that. Kaitlin, though, loves Andy because she’s been looking for a gay-mance. When Kaitlin introduces herself, Jeremy says his heart started melting. “I felt little rainbows and doves flying out.” Howard gets up and preaches his faith, and McCrae says that if he was gay “I would tear him apart”. I think I like this kid. Spencer is next, and he’s already annoyed with GinaMarie’s constant mouth-flapping. The house doesn’t believe that McCrae is actually a pizza boy.

Hey, one of my predictions is coming true. When Aaryn stands up, David immediately says that she is the love of his life. “I could stare at her eyes for hours.” Elissa is last, but says nothing about being Rachel’s sister. Judd doesn’t pick up on the connection either, but says she “looks familiar. I kinda want to get to the bottom of it.”

After a commercial break, the guys are investigating the house. Howard, Jeremy, and Spencer talk about putting together an alliance. “God helps those who help themselves”, explains Howard. Spencer believes he’s scored, as both of these guys are bigger guys, and he has a great social game. I predict this alliance doesn’t last long.

Jeremy is now talking to David and Jessie, who wants to align with them and “make the best looking alliance in Big Brother history”. Um, no, that isn’t. She explains that girls always go after her, and Jeremy is oh so happy that “alliances are falling into my lap”. McCrae, though, breaks up the pretty people alliance, much to Jessie’s annoyance.

A bunch of people are now in the kitchen as Julie announces that it is time for everybody to gather in the living room. She announces the usual rules about HOH, and two nominees. But wait, EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED! We now get to find out about the third nominee, and the house is freaking out over this news. Howard says it’s putting grey hairs on his head, but Andy loves the idea! Oh wait, we don’t get to find out about how the third nominee works. Ugh, Julie ends the segment by quoting Rachel’s “floater” line. After various “OMG” quotes, we head to commercials.

When we return, it’s time for the first HOH competition of the summer. It’s called “Popsicle Factory”, and everybody has to climb on a popsicle that is lifted off the ground. The last one standing is the winner. Hmmm, reminds me of a competition that Rachel won a few years before. In case you don’t remember that, we get some Rachel quotes from Elissa.

The comp commences, and Judd is the first one off after only five minutes. He didn’t want to win anyway, he says. Howard is next at seven minutes, and he also claims to have thrown it. Candice is next, and right after that a giant tongue is turned on to make the game harder. GinaMarie is the one to make the obvious double entendres, and she does.

Jessie starts humping her popsicle, which turns on Jeremy. Meanwhile, various people are talking about how Elissa looks like Rachel. Judd says he’s going to keep that knowledge quiet for awhile.

Amanda is the next to fall, followed by Spencer. Now “flavoring” is added to the mix, but David is not happy that his hair is being messed up. Helen, Jessie, Elissa and GinaMarie then fall off, but Nick says he’s not going to drop. Andy is next, leaving six up. Kaitlin is next, making Aaryn the “last girl standing”. “You don’t mess with Texas”, she says as we head to a commercial.

So there is five left after the adverts, but Aaryn quickly falls. There are now females left, including Pizza Boy! Everybody is shocked, especially Nick.

Julie then comes on with an incentive for those remaining. There are two lunch pails, and one contains a “Never Not Pass”, which would make them never have to endure being a Have-Not all year. The other pail has nothing. The boys start discussing whether they should go for it, and David drops. Jeremy now thinks he can get “this dude to do whatever I want”. David picks a pail, and it’s empty! Bwahahahahahahahaha! “Total frickin’ bummer!”

Jeremy then jumps off just seconds after Howard professed to having to rely on him to win for both of them. “Way to have my back, bro.” Jeremy says he wanted to win, but to not have slop all year is definitely worth it. “It sounds too sweet to pass up.”

So it is between McCrae and Nick. Nick asks if he’s cool for the week, and McCrae says that he likes him. “I tell him whatever he wants to hear to make him drop.” They talk a bit more, and Nick likes the idea more and more. He then drops, making McCrae the first HOH!!! Good for the pizza boy!

Now it is finally time to find out about the third nominee. Julie pulls everybody into the living room, and she again explains how McCrae has to nominate two people. Julie then says that the third nomination will be made by somebody in the room. She then talks about the MVP vote, and that person will indeed get the third nomination pick. This person will be told they’re the MVP in secret, and never have to tell anybody that they had it. Ugh, that means Elissa will have some power after all.

Everybody is shocked, shocked, shocked, and Aaryn conveniently uses the Rachel “floater” line. Yes, we get it. It’s going to be a crazy summer. We get some promo material, and then the show is over.

So what did you think of tonight’s show? Were you happy or annoyed to see Rachel? Or to hear her quoted over and over? Is Jessie this year’s Danielle? Were you happily shocked to see McCrae win HOH? Who did you like or not like?

 

Wednesday
Sep192012

Big Brother #14 Finale Recap!

Before you begin reading this recap, I want you to jump on Spotify or Last.FM or whatever and pull up the song "Tonight's the Night". No, not the awful Rod Stewart song about his late-night activities with actress Britt Ekland. I'm talking about the mid-70's Neil Young dirge about his mates in Crazy Horse.

It's a much more fitting tune to represent this season. Ok, there were no deaths this year, unlike the guitarist and roadie that make Neil's song so emotional. But there was a funeral, and the season had a deathly glow to it.

Ok, enough of an attempt to open this in an arty way. I'm just not that good of a writer. Tonight we end this long, long season, and hopefully we'll see the answers to our big questions. Will Dan pull out his season-long goal to mentally shred the house? Will Danielle find a makeup combo that covers up her long-festering zits? Could Ian find the guts to flip the script and wipe that smug smile off Dan's face? Will Ashley find her brain? The list of questions goes on and on.

Before we begin, I'd like to thank everybody who has put up with my sarcasm and whining throughout the summer...along with those who took the time to listen to all of us babble about the show on The Big Brother Gossip Show. Despite my constant complaining, it has been a fun eight weeks, and I can't wait to do it again next summer.

After a long, long intro full of hyperbole (big fights? big romance?), and the usual recap of the recap from Julie, we go right to the first part of the final HOH competition. This dates way back to last Thursday night, so there won't be much commentary here. In case you forgot, it's an endurance comp where the three of them are dunked into water, and then slammed into a wall. Danielle gives us some foreshadowing by saying she has nobody she can trust. Yeah, whatever.

But wait. We do have something new here! Before the competition started, Dan told Ian that he had to throw this one! Dan says that he can't beat Danielle in the second heat, and fellow Renegade Ian is all too willing to follow through. He also has apparently told Danielle that she should trust him, and that Ian dropping in ten minutes will prove it.

Good boy Ian does exactly as he's told, and does drop. But it was in 17 minutes, not ten. Oh, and there is that smile from Danielle to Dan, even though she says she still doesn't know if she trusts him.

Dan sends Ian away, and then he tells her that the only shot for the two of them to win is for her to drop. But...it has to be her idea. They go back and forth on this for a bit, and he even asks "do you trust me or not?" As always, the silly little country girl also does as she's told and she drops. Yes, Dan convinced both players to potentially give up their place in the finals.

With this round over, after commercials we move on to the second HOH competition between Danielle and Ian. Before we get to that point, though, we see Danielle telling Dan she thinks she can beat Ian but "it's just the scary part if I don't". In the diary room, Dan says that his plan IS to take Danielle to the finals but he needs a "contingency plan in case she doesn't win round two". He comes up with a plan that will have Dan high-fiving Ian if he wins and yelling out, "we did it". Danielle is then supposed to get mad because Ian is supposed to take HER to the end. "You've gotta make him feel like if he cuts you, in no way you'll vote for him." Great idea, Danielle. Dan's hoping this make Ian want to throw the third round to him.

Finally, we get to the competition. There's a Big Brother "skyscraper", and they have to climb up and grab pictures of the house guests (after wiping soot off them) and line them up in order of eviction. The person with the fastest time is the winner.

Danielle goes first, but not all of the pictures are house guests. She puts her "heart" into it, and is confident she did well. Ian then does his round, and his strategy is to just clean off the names on the pictures to save time. Once completed, we find out that Danielle's time was 7:31, but Ian takes the prize with a time of 6:04.

Ian is calm, but Danielle is pissed. Time for plan B. Ian walks into the house and congratulates with Dan right in front of Danielle, which pisses off Ian. She asks Dan why he was celebrating, and Ian walks right by her saying, "I'm not going to talk to that bitch." The argument then becomes between Danielle and Dan about which player Ian is taking to the finals. The plan works...at least on Dan's behalf, as Ian says in the diary room that he would never take a person to the finals with that kind of poor sportsmanship. Hahahaha! Now, Dan says he just needs to convince Ian to throw the final round. Unfortunately, Ian says he would never throw that round, but Dan ends the scene by saying under his breath that will indeed happen.

Oh boy, it's now jury deliberation time. They begin by predicting who will the next face they see, and obviously they all have different dreams. Shane then walks in, telling everybody he got "blindsided by Dan". He tells the entire story about how Danielle had both the HOH and veto, and he still got sent home. Jenn thinks that Danielle was in on the plan, but Shane lets out a big claim that he and Danielle were in cahoots "physically" the last two days. Gross.

They start off the deliberations by talking about all three players. Ian is first, and both Joe and Britney have nothing but kudos for him. Frank doesn't agree, because, after all, he stabbed him in the back. Britney rolls her eyes, and another fight ensues. Jenn adds something about rats needing cheese, but I don't get her point.

Talk moves on to Danielle, and Britney thinks she had it pretty easy this season. Ashley, of all people, actually brings up how she just played Dan's game. They all agree on this. Britney doesn't believe that playing somebody else's game is not worth the winning prize, but Jenn does point out that she did win some competitions.

Obviously, Frank wants to talk about Dan. Britney says that she is in "awe of his game", and they all seem to agree. Well, except Frank...and Joe, who says there is a "life manual". Jenn, though, points out that all of them have done the same thing, but Frank can't be convinced. Joe agrees, saying "if Dan and Judas were in the finals, Dan MIGHT have my vote". Oh Joe. Ultimately, they all decide that they need more time to make their decision. Haha!

Here we go! It's the final HOH competition between Dan and Ian. As always, it is the questions regarding the jury members. The first question is Ashley's favorite moment in the house, and they both correctly pick her ice cream date with Frank. Question two is Joe's biggest regret, and they both correctly say it was his ten alliances.

The third question is about Britney's most embarrassing moment, and Ian takes the lead by correctly guessing that it was when Jojo bartered smokes for a vote. The next question is the moment in the house that irritated Frank the most, and Ian again is the only one with the correct answer of his being on the block all the time. Hmmm, think Dan is throwing it?

Question five is Jenn's most uncomfortable moment, and it is once again Ian who correctly  says it was the Frank/Willie fight. Ian is the final HOH winner! There's no doubt in my mind that Dan threw that, like every other competition this year!

Now is the time for Ian to make his final decision, and after babbling about how hard it is to eliminate a Quack Packer, he gives Danielle the big boot! They all hug, and she's out the door. After watching some celebrating, Julie then goes into the interview. She asks why she didn't try to work out a deal with Ian, and she babbles nonsense about not wanting to have too many deals. What? She does make a bit more sense, though, when she adds that she knew Ian would go right to Dan with any deal they made.

Julie then asks why Ian kept Dan over her, and she claims that Ian "told me to my face he can't win against me". Um, no. You're an idiot, babe. She supposedly has too many friends in the jury, but she isn't sure she believes that. "It's a cowardly way to go out." Wait, what?

The next question is honestly answered, though, as she say she is "confused" when Julie asks how she's feeling. She doesn't know what to believe from Dan (duh), and we move on to idiocy about how Ian can't stand the thought of people not liking him.

With Danielle gone, it is time to start making our way to the conclusion. Oh wait, we have more filler to deal with, as the jury is brought out. Well, the first six...and then Danielle is reintroduced (which is what Britney says she wanted). After throwing herself at poor Shane (lol), Julie tells them that Ian is the one who evicted her.

It is jury question time, and Ashley starts by asking Ian about whether he made his own decision. Ian babbles nonsense about how he created the Quack Pack to "take destiny in his own hands". Dan, who is making hand gestures through the end of this speech, says he "totally disagrees" with that.

Frank then asks Dan about lying and backstabbing. Did he cross the line by swearing on the Bible and his wedding ring. Dan says he was "forced to play a ruthless game", and he would take it all back if he could. Yes, we get the "elbows in blood" speech again.

Jenn then tells Ian that she doesn't believe in snitches, so why should she reward him for playing Boogie, Frank, and herself. Once again, as Ian repeats his earlier lines about the Quack Pack, Dan is shaking his head that Ian is wrong about everything. Interesting strategy.

Joe is up next, and says that he believes the "elbows in blood" line is silly since he only won one HOH. "What are you trying to take credit for?" Dan says that he had to stab each of the jury members, and had to befriend and betray them all.

Next up is Britney, and she asks Ian why he deserves to win over Dan. In case you didn't hear it before, he AGAIN repeats his bullshit about "taking his fate in his own hands". He does make points by saying he "played a slightly cleaner game" than Dan.

It is Shane's turn, but he's confused by the piece of paper in his hand. After getting the correct card, though, he says "Satan...I mean, Dan, why do you deserve to win over Ian?" Dan then tells the real story on how the Quack Pack was originally formed with the four of them, and Ian in his dog suit was led up on a leash and told he was the fifth vote. He's right on this! Ian is now starting to get a bit upset, yelling "bull bull bull".

Now we end with Danielle, who doesn't have a prepared question. She asks him if he was aware that Dan also had a final two deal with her, and was planning on taking her instead of him if he had won. Ian was not aware of that, he says, and "I really hope that's not true". After all, Dan gave him his "grandfather's gold necklace as collateral". Yes, Danielle just gave her Johnny Holmes look again!!!! YES!!! Dan does admit that he would have taken her if he had not thrown that final comp.

After a commercial break, the two finalists now get a chance to plead their case. Ian goes first, and says that while he was going to keep his speech fairly nice, he is "disgusted" with Dan. He lays out how he has own more victories, and has a better poker face. He tries to make a "nine lives" joke, but it doesn't quite work. He does point out how Dan has backstabbed all of them, "including me". He says he has played the game with "probability, statistics, and a little bit of heart". The crowd applauds as he conlcudes.

It is now Dan's turn, and he rambles about how after the game was reset he knew he was in trouble, and then lists the positive attributes of everybody in the jury. He says he had to stand back and figure out what he had to do to win the game, and he had to be ruthless. He played the game 24/7 because he had to, and that's why he deserves to win. "I hope you're not too mad at me, and I hope you're not too disgusted."

It is now the moment of truth, and Ashley is the first to insert a key, saying "I definitely put you on my dream board". Britney is next, and says they both deserve it. "Quack quack."

Next up is Frank, and he says he's voting "for who I think made the best decisions in the game". "Preesh, hopefully", replies Dan. Joe is the next juror, and he is sort of subdued as he puts in his key. Jenn tells them they played a great game, and Dan replies that she has "sold over a million records". "Kissing butt to the end", Ian asks Dan. Shane is up next, and actually makes a speech of sorts.

The final vote could be fun, as it belongs to Danielle. "The only reason I'm voting this way is because I've tried to keep my word, and I'm trying to continue." Um, ok.

You'd think we would get to crown the winner, but instead it is time to bring back the rest of the cast (minus Willie). Janelle is asked what surprised her the most sitting at home, and she says "besides all of Danielle's lies", it was Dan's gameplay. "If he doesn't win Big Brother 14, it's an absolute travesty." Julie asks if he's the greatest ever, and Janelle says he's "ONE" of the greatest. Frank is asked for a response, and he says that he doesn't respect his game this year, although he was one of his favorite players ever.

Boogie is then asked the same question, and he says that he was way impressed by him, but he was even more impressed by how Ian grew over the summer. "He's going to leave a man, one way or another."

For some reason, we move over to Shane, who wants to ask Danielle if his eviction was premeditated. "I swear on everything, I had no idea." Dan jumps in and confirms that is indeed the case. Thanks, Shane, we now have to hear Dan's journey story one more time.

Julie takes control again, and asks Wil what surprised him the most. He says very little shocked him, and does a great imitation of "Eagle Eyed Joe". He says that people shouldn't hold a grudge if people like to you. "Take responsibility."

FINALLY, it is time to count the votes. Danielle voted for Dan, but Shane's vote goes to Ian, as does Jenn, Joe, Frank. Ian is the winner of Big Brother 14!!!!

In heads out, and is congratulated by his entire family...and Britney. As we go to commercials, the audience and house guests start a "quack quack" chant. It's a quick break, though, and when we return Julie congratulates him. It turned out that the last two votes were also Ian's, and he says it is "the best moment in my life". Julie then reads off the America's Favorite House Guest winner, and shockingly, it is Frank.

So that is it for this season? What are your thoughts? Are you happy that Ian won? Was it a mistake for Dan to throw that last HOH comp (if he indeed did)? More importantly, what did you think of this season as a whole? Let us know everything you think about tonight's show, and the entire year!

Thursday
Sep132012

Big Brother #14, Episode 28 Recap

It may have only been nine weeks ago or so that the Big Brother #14 contestants entered the house, but hasn't it seemed like months? I barely remember people like Jodi, JoJo, and Kara. Hell, I've almost forgotten Wil, let alone Willie.

So here we are on the last Thursday episode of the season, and the last real big move. Grodner and crew have already been tweeting that it is going to be one of the biggest moves ever, but I refrain from such hyperbole. If what we have heard on the feeds is what exactly will go down, then it is pretty bold...but it is really no different than what was attempted last week (or at least once every season).

It's another busy show...the aftermath of Danielle's HOH victory from last night, nominations, veto comp, veto meeting, eviction, and the start of the first part of the final HOH competition. More importantly, we are going to finally see some jury house footage, which I'd rather see than anything I listed in the previous sentence.

After we get through not one but two rundowns of what has happened this week, the show starts with reactions to what happened on last night's show. (BTW, Julie Chen, quit referring to Shane as Danielle's "boyfriend"!) We see Jenn's eviction, and Danielle says she is sad because she loves Jenn. I really don't know what Shane is babbling, but after she leaves they all start doing the "quack quack" garbage. Well, all but Dan. Ian believes that the game is now the couple versus the "Renegades".

We jump to Danielle's victory in the HOH competition, and she goes into her Honey Boo Boo voice. Seriously, knock it off. Ian says this hurts his goal, but it "all comes down to the power of veto comp". Shane is happy, though, and he thinks Ian is the one who could go home.

We move into the kitchen for more back-slapping, and Dan says while he wishes he had won, he does have final three deals with all of them..."and no one knows it". Time passes, and Dan starts to work his magic on Danielle. "The student is now beating the teacher." Yeah, that does the trick. They begin talking about nominations, although at this point it really doesn't matter who is up...which is why Dan suggests putting him and Ian up. Dan's belief is that if Shane isn't put up he will start to feel too comfortable, which will make him vulnerable to being sent out the door. Dan even tells her what to say, which is to complain that Ian "tried to break up a couple". Just like Renegade is Ian's magic word, "couple" is Daneille's.

It is now time for those nominations, although, like I said, they don't matter much for this round. It is all about the veto comp. We go through the motions anyway, and the only key in the box belongs to Shane. Yep, Ian and Dan are nominated. She doesn't do the "couple" line, but complains that both of them "backdoored" her...which they didn't do, by the way. Ian says that he is bummed, but he points out what I just did about the veto. Dan, on the other hand, is confident and he doesn't have to win the veto as he has deals with these three morons who have NEVER compared notes.

After commercials, we finally get the footage I wanted to see - the JURY HOUSE!!! YES!!! We start off with Ashley meditating and blowing bubbles, and I won't even go into the idiocy she says about those bubbles representing people in the house. Oh man, she even has her dreaded "dream board".

The limo pulls up, and Ashley says that she hopes it is Dan as she wants Frank to win the cash. We know that's not the case, though, and lovely Britney steps out instead...and scares her! Ashley says that she loves Britney, and they both laugh about how Dan has got to go. Britney tells the story on how Dan escaped the week, and we immediately jump to them talking about the next evictee.

Britney makes a joke about Frank coming in...and he does! Ashley is both excited and sad. Instead of the footage of them watching videos, though, Frank just comes out and tells them that Ian won HOH. He tells the story we know oh so well about Frank's idiocy.

They move into the living room to talk more about what happened, and Frank and Britney begin fighting over whether Dan is playing a good game. Yep, it is all about making and breaking deals, and Britney is still pissed that Frank broke his deal with her. Britney ends the fight by simply stating, "we all got Dan-misted". Ashley pipes up, saying "it's really fun here".

Another limo now pulls up, and Frank says that he hopes it is Dan coming in. It's obviously not. "Who called for the Chef up in this mansion?" Funny thing, though. Joe compares losing the game to "peeing in your Wheeties". Um, ok. That's an interesting comment from a man who has questionable sanitary practices. They continue to talk about Dan's lies, and Joe makes fun of him using the Bible. Oh God, Frank and Britney argue one more time about loyalty. "Frank is the only one allowed to be dishonest." This goes on for a bit until Frank stupidly pulls out a line about her husband cheating. More wine please...and more jury house!

Back to the Quackers...and the "most important veto competition of the summer". The game is a chemistry puzzle, and they have to match pictures of the house guests with clues. In a twist, some of the clues have multiple correct answers, but only one combination of pictures will complete the puzzle.

After they each stupidly do a quack, the game begins. All four begin over-playing how the game plays, and their strategy, before Ian believes he has the puzzle completed. He starts making "weird monster noises", which makes Dan believe he has a shot. Shane also misfires, and Ian does it again. This all puts Danielle into "panic mode", and when she hits the buzzer she only has two wrong. She makes a couple of adjustments...and wins! Funny thing is that she indicates this means she gets to keep her "two boys". Yeah, we'll see. Ian, meanwhile, is bummed that he may be going home, but Dan is hoping to convince Danielle to save him from the block so he can decide who goes with the two of them. (Foreshadowing alert!)

Before veto ceremony time, though, we have some more footage from the house. Ian is rocking in his chair, bummed that either he or his pal Dan will be going home. Dan, though, makes his way up to Danielle's HOH room to congratulate her. She promises to keep him safe, and he makes his move to take him down. First, he has to endure her backslapping a bit, and then she comes right out and asks what he wants her to do. He does this by acting worried about what Shane will do with the only vote of this round, and that gets Danielle immediately worried. He asks him if he will promise to save Shane, and he does but in the diary room says he is going to get rid of Shane instead.

Now Shane is in the HOH, and she talks about this new plan. She says she will "never ever ever ever ever" let anything happen to him, but he is not pleased with this idea. As he should not be...but he stupidly says to do "whatever you need to do". Ugh, they actually kiss! Gross! Take this off my screen! "Looks like you're putting me up."

Here is the moment we've been waiting for this entire episode - the veto meeting and what should be an explosive eviction. Julie has Ian and Dan make a final plea, and Ian goes first. He babbles about the formation of the Quack Pack and makes a dumb dog suit joke. Dan then gets up and makes his usual football coach analogy, and also promotes his dumb books. He claims that Danielle has taught him so much he is going to write a book about what coaches can learn from their player. Ugh. He's so gross.

Danielle then stands up...and saves Dan. Ian is shocked as Shane sits next to him. Before Dan evicts, though, they get to make another final plea. Shane talks about "expect the unexpected", and he obviously doesn't have a speech ready. Instead of pleading his case, though, he talks to the cameras and thanks CBS, his family, etc. Finally, he congratulates the Quack Pack and the individual players. Julie hustles him to a finish, and then Ian stands up. He says that he is shocked and hopes runs through everybody once again before a final "quack quack".

Dan then has the floor, and casts his vote to evict. He talks about how he entered the game with no blood, but now "I'm up to blood on my elbows". He comments on the jury house, and after saying that you only have one shot to break up, he tells Shane that this is his "one shot". Shane is now evicted from the house.

Danielle's mouth opens wide enough to take John Holmes, and she tells Shane she is so sorry as he hugs her. Dan attempts to whisper something to Shane as he walks out, but Shane doesn't seem to interested. Ian is completely perplexed, and all you hear is "um" from him as Shane disappears.

Before we get to the interview, Danielle is still sitting with her mouth wide open. Ian is pacing, and saying nonsensical words. Dan pulls Danielle into the arcade room, and she outright asks him, "why do you continuously lie to me?" Dan goes a mile a minute on votes and who she couldn't beat, and that he couldn't tell her "because you wouldn't believe me".

Danielle may not actually buy it this time. She asks "how many times have you broken my trust, Dan?" He claims that his goal is to just get her to the end, and he doesn't care if she doesn't believe him. He again goes through the votes, and repeats that as her coach this is what he had to do. She also doesn't buy the line that Ian will take her over Dan.

Danielle is telling Dan how she swore to Shane he wouldn't be going as the camera switches to his name turning to grey, and we finally get to hear Julie's interview with him. Julie notes that Shane raced out of the house, and Shane says that it was because he trusted Dan "one hundred percent. He swore on Chelsea, and he didn't come through with what he said he was going to." Julie asks about what Dan said as he walked out, but Shane said he really didn't pay attention to what he was saying about Jenn having Danielle's vote.

Julie then asks why he would "readily agree" to go up in Dan's place tonight, but Shane disagrees with that description. "I trusted Danielle, and I trusted Dan." Julie counters with why she would trust someone like Dan so heartily, and he babbles his cliche about looking people in the eye and shaking their hand. When asked why this went down as it did, Shane's response is that "Dan is just a dirty player" (and gets applause).

Finally, we get to the Danielle question, and Shane claims that there is a possibility of a future with her. Yeah, right.

Wait, the show doesn't end with the start of the endurance competition? Nope, instead it is more of Dan telling Danielle how he was only getting her to the end of the game. Yeah, this is just a bit tedious, so I'm glad it is going off the air.

That's it, kids. What did you think of the proceedings? How about that jury house? Or Dan's big move? Will it win him the game or cost him votes? Tell us everything you believe about tonight's show!

Wednesday
Sep122012

Big Brother #14, Episode 27 Recap

Welcome to Danielle's world. It's a tough life, filled with imaginary diseases, nonexistent boyfriends, and so many annoying people. You think it's easy to keep an inch of makeup on at all times? You just don't know the pressure this poor girl is under every single day in the Big Brother house. After all, everything that happens is either blamed on her or is a threat to her future.

Dan may be the official "star" of the season, and Ian this show's mascot, but the heart and soul is this delusional twit. Just like this past Sunday's episode, she is on full display tonight. Because I can barely deal with hearing her voice, though, (and also because I know the details of last night's taping) tonight's recap is bound to be a bit shorter than usual.

It may be tough to condense everything, though, as there is a ton of action tonight. There's a veto comp, Shane's prize trip, veto meeting, an eviction, and a HOH comp. That doesn't leave much time for any plotting or even meaningless chatter.

So let's get going with something a bit different than usual. Instead of the typical reactions to Sunday's nominations, we kick off tonight's show with Julie surprising the house by saying tonight is a special eviction. She calls everybody into the living room, and Shane is delayed because he is sans pants. She tells them the news, and instructs them all to get ready for the eviction and HOH competition.

Now we go to the taped footage from earlier this week, starting with the reactions to Ian's nominations of Jenn and Shane. Jenn is shocked that Dan isn't on the block, since just a couple of days before he nominated Ian. "What's this guy gotta do to get on the block? He's pulling out magic tricks on the reg!" Shane knows he's a pawn, and he's got the Quack Packers on his side. Danielle, though, is so "extremely afraid" of what is going to happen this week.

Dan is as cocky as ever, of course. We see him mouth "are you kidding me" into the camera, and then in the diary room screams how he now gets "a second shot at (Shane)".

As he walks out of the bedroom, he attempts to chat with Jenn, who says she is not going to listen to anything he has to say. "Congratulations." She says she knows she will probably go off on him, and "it's just not worth it at this point". He "mists" her into the bedroom anyway, though, and asks why she is mad at him. He tries to claim that this situation is actually good for her, and adds in the diary room that it will make Shane feel more secure. Um, sure. He keeps at her, though, saying that "until the end you have a dangerous player on your side". They hug it out, but Jenn is not buying it.

Jenn is now sitting with Danielle, asking if Shane is upset about being nominated. Once again, instead of talking about what Jenn wants to hear about it is all about how Shane is not treating her like a princess. Jenn sees some hope, though, because she has a better chance at staying if Danielle thinks Shane is playing her. "Don't worry. I'm about to play the player", says Danielle. Surrrre.

We awkwardly jump right to the veto competition. They must swing from one platform to another to start a timer. Then they have 20 seconds at a time to work on a puzzle. If they don't make it back in time, the pieces will drop, and they have ten seconds to start the clock again to start over. Oh, and the winner also gets a special prize.

After we hear everybody talk about how they HAVE to win, the game finally begins. In case you didn't hear the instructions the first time, we get the treat of Dan's loud yelling to repeat them. Oh, and Danielle is not happy with the "flying" part of the game.

Ian has trouble with this game, which CBS edits to help him win the favorite player award next week. Shane, though, is kicking ass, so Daneille begins copying him. Jenn is also close. Ian is out of the game, and starts helping Shane. This does not please Jenn, obviously...but Dan is also not happy about this.

Finally, Shane completes the puzzle...and wins the veto! Jenn is bummed, as is Dan because he may now be put up.

Now for the worst footage...or most humorous...of the night. Shane calls everybody into the living room to announce his special prize. He reads a card that says they're about to meet some of the biggest stars of the summer. He gets to take a date...and the romantic fanfare kicks off as he selects Danielle.

Oh boy. In a puke green dress ans panties, Danielle gets into the limo with Shane. They hold hands for the camera as they hit the highway, and she does not stop babbling. It is, after all, their first "official date". Oh please.

They head into an arena, and it a gymnastic meet sponsored by Kelloggs. Danielle claims to be super excited, as she supposedly used to do gymnastics, and the Olympic girls team then walks into the room. Of course, they're all holding boxes of Kellogg's. This is easily the most awkward conversation ever, especially when they're asked if they are boyfriend and girlfriend. Gross. OMG, this continues on and on as Danielle continues to talk about whether they're a relationship or not on the drive home...and they kiss for the cameras. So much for Jenn's dream of a rift between these two bozos. Her time is clearly coming to an end.

Finally, they are back home...conveniently with boxes of Kellogg's. It really is the never-ending segment.

Back to game stuff. Danielle is wandering around, and Dan comes in to hug her and say that he misses her. He really doesn't, but wants to get some info out of her about what they talked about on their trip.

It is now veto meeting time...and yes, the pink shirt boy takes himself down. Ian then gets up...and definitely does not go against his fellow Renegade! Yes, poor Danielle is now on the block! Oh, she is not happy about this! But Dan is, and he promises to do anything or "stab anyone" to ensure his victory.

So it is now that time to send Jenn packing, but we have to go through the charade of them pleading their case. Jenn tells everybody she loves them, and she basically admits her time is up. Danielle then gets up and it is basically the same thing...although Danielle AGAIN flashes the audience.

We still must go through with the official proceedings before giving Jenn the boot, though, and both Shane and Dan vote to evict Jenn. She hugs everybody, and tells them to "keep it fun and keep it classy...and don't forget to burn this place down".

Julie starts the question off by asking why Jenn was evicted, and she comes right out and said it was because she lost the veto. Saving Dan is now brought up, and Jenn says that she has "no regrets" and wanted to do something big. Her plan was if she couldn't beat him, then she should join him. Julie then pulls out her big prop of the night, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, since Jenn has been on slop. Jenn digs right in as Julie already wraps up the segment.

Now that we have a Quack Pack final four, it is time to set up the dissolution of their inbred, nonsensical alliance. Yes, it is time for the HOH competition, and earlier in the day they were shown pictures from throughout the season. It's called "photographic memory". Julie will read questions based on these photos, and they must step forward if they believe the question is true, and back if it is false. Yes, we see this every year.

The first photo is about the placement of the veto in the "Loose Change" competition, and all three of them correctly pick false. Question two is about Britney from the jugglar competition, and again all three are correct.

For the third question, Julie asks about Boogie in the "Feel the Burn" comp, and this time Danielle and Shane both correctly pick true. The fourth question is the "Field of Veto" comp picture, and whether all the letters in "dugout" were visible. This time, Danielle is the only one with an incorrect "true" answer, and Shane is now in the lead.

Question five is from the "Phat Stacks" competition, and whether Wil was wearing sunglasses. This time, Dan and Danielle are both correct, and we now have a three way tie. The sixth question concerns the "Memory Chip" competition, and it is about the order of chips. Danielle is the only one correct on this one, and she now ties Dan.

For the final question, we go back to the "Big Brother Candy World", and Jenn's answer. They all choose false, and there is now a tie between Dan and Danielle. There is now a number question to break the tie, which is the number of seconds in the "Time Flies" veto competition. Dan writes 626, while Danielle's guess is 155. The answer is 584, which means Danielle has won because Dan's guess was over the actual answer! That's our little pumpkin faced twit!

So there we have it. Danielle is the new HOH, but we all know it all has to do with the veto winner. We'll see that tomorrow night, along with the first evicted Quack Packer. Who will it be? Who do you want it to be? What other comments do you have about tonight's show? Let us know! Please! I mean it! Preferably if you're in a tiny black bikini soaking in a hot tub!

Sunday
Sep092012

Big Brother #14, Episode 26 Recap

Your enjoyment on tonight's episode will hinge on two factors. If you enjoy listening to Dan's screaming in the diary room, you'll LOVE the first half of tonight's show. If you enjoy listening to a loud, just-betrothed redhead yell her usual cliches, then you will adore the second half of the show.

It's a filler show tonight, kids, as the first half hour will be dominated by flashbacks to Thursday's double elimination broadcast. Another lengthy portion will be accompanied by sad acoustic guitars as the appearance of the redheaded monster is coupled with treats for the rest of the house that leads them to tears.

So let's get this going with the initial recap before we get to hearing all about the double eviction night again. (Why do they do this?) That over, we get to once again see Frank evicted from the house. Ian explains that while he liked Frank, he was his biggest threat. Not really. Jenn is upset because the final four was supposed to be her, Frank, Dan and Danielle. No, it wasn't. She again has tough words that she never lives up to.

Once Frank is out, Dan celebrates. "Double crossing is my game, and stabbing Frank in the back is the byproduct of it", he screams in the diary room. "He should have never trusted me, and should have backdoored me when he had the chance."

Dan hugs Jenn, who then calls him into another room. Dan says, though, that he "needs you in Kittie mode. We're going to war." Jenn says she has no other option but to still go with Dan and Danielle.

We jump ahead to the HOH comp, and Dan's overtime victory over Danielle and Jenn. Dan wants to send "another big threat out the door", and it may be Ian. We see him pull Ian aside and give him the "I had to put up Memphis as a pawn" story for the 30th time this year. Ian is not happy about this, even with the Renegade word thrown in. "You just got to calm down", Dan tells him.

Shane is then pulled into the room, and Ian leaves after filling him in on the pawn strategy. "He's going up as a pawn. We got to consider maybe getting him out." For some reason, Shane thinks it may be too early. Too early??? Too early??? Danielle then comes in the room, and the story is repeated. She doesn't care, because it is not her. Jenn then comes in, and she's told that she is going up as a pawn. Ian is indeed the person they're going after. "You have to win that veto to so noms stay the same."

We actually get some diary room strategy talk from Danielle, who says they do have to go after Ian because "nobody wants to sit next to him on the final two" with him. She repeats the story to Shane, who still doesn't appear happy.

For one final chat, Dan tells Ian that "you've got to trust me". He is then put on the block next to Joe. Ian is not happy, and Jenn should have been put up next to Joe.

We move on to the veto comp, which was called "Give the Game to Ian". Yes, he wins, and struts like the strangest peacock I've ever seen. Dan is not happy because he needs to pick somebody else to boot out of the house....like maybe "they physical threat, Shane"?

He pulls Jenn into the bedroom and asks if it is time to get rid of the "boy toy". Yes, she is. Danielle then comes in, and she's not happy with that plan. "Shane will keep you safe over Ian, any day." Dan points out that he had just told Sane that they were going to put out Ian, but Danielle says that she can control him. Really? In other words, stupid Danielle just ensured the future of the Quack Pack. Ugh. Shane is then brought in to ask about the final three, and he swears to not mention anything about the Ian plan.

Now, Ian is shown using the veto, and Dan has the audacity to put up Danielle. Oh, that man! She complains that Dan has put her up three times now, and she has NEVER done that to him!

Danielle and Shane head into the bedroom, and Shane asks if she knew this was coming. At the same, Jenn is again not happy. Dan says that they now have to vote out Joe. "She freaked out. She talked me out of it."

Ian now walks into the room where Shane and Danielle are talking, and she is bawling. "Don't vote me out. You promise? Don't lie to me." Dan then walks in, and threatens to rip Ian's face out if he votes out Danielle. He then pulls Danielle aside again to calm her down. "Listen to me. "You've got to trust me in this game." He says that since Jenn is already pissed, he couldn't put her up. Jenn is then summoned, and he again demands that she not vote Danielle out.

Of course she won't, she says, but she's infuriated that the Shane deal fell through. "He told me one thing and did another", she says in the diary room. "This is not good for me at all. Who do I have to trust in this game?" Before the segment ends, Dan reminds her that he saved Shane for her.

Joe is then evicted, and Danielle is ecstatic. Dan, though, feels that he wasted his big shot, "but I guarantee...that I won't miss my second shot". Afterwards, Ian is mad that Dan didn't go after Jenn. This is all starting to get a bit tedious, to be honest. Ian and Danielle are mad that they were put up, Jenn is mad that the plans didn't go through. I can only take so much of these same discussions over and over.

After commercials, Dan is lamenting the fact that he didn't put out Shane when had to chance. He tells Danielle again that Shane can't mention anything to Ian about the plan to oust him. Trust me, Shane probably doesn't even remember. Danielle is now pissed because nobody even mentions the fact that she just was on the block for them. OMG that's hilarious!

Shane then comes in to comfort Danielle. She tells him that she told Dan not to put him up, and that's why she went up instead. Oh, you funny little martyr. Shane does promise not to mention anything about what went down that night.

Damage control time for Dan, and all he has to do is mention "renegades" to Ian and he's back on his side. I'm sorry, but Ian is not the brains the believes he is, or what his fans want us to believe.

It is HOH comp time, and there are props representing every game they've played this year. This works for Ian, because, as he reminds us, he supposedly has a "photographic memory". In each round, there will be a reminder of an event in the game. The answer is a number, and they have to roll a ball down a plank into the correct number. Each number you're off is a penalty point.

The game starts with a question on the day "baby Zingbot" was born. The answer was day 36. Danielle is off by 13, Jenn by 3, and Shane by 2. Ian had a perfect score, and Danielle is pissed because she doesn't want Ian to win HOH.

The next question is when Frank won his second HOH. The answer is day 48, and Ian is off by one, Jenn was perfect, Shane was off by 2. Danielle, though, has four penalty point.

Question three is the day of Willie's expulsion. Jenn screws up and only gets a two. Ian also messes up, though, and he "feeeeeeel awful". Shane was off by two, Ian by eight...and my cable went out for a few minutes. I'm not lying.

When it returns, Shane and Ian are tied at the end of the game, so they are having a playoff. The question is Janelle's eviction, and they both know it was day 34. But can they get the ball in the right hole? Ian's ball fell in day 32, but Shane's fell into day 30. Ian is the new HOH, and he's in the final four! Oh boy, Danielle is pissed, and I love it!

Ian is now seen off in the bedroom celebrating. He goes out into the kitchen and hugs Jenn, who wants to know if she will be on the block. Ian says something about hwo she has never nominated her (like she had the possibility of nominating anybody), but there is no doubt that Ian is putting her up.

Ian is well beyond even remembering that he was on the block during the double eviction episode, babbling in the diary room about his "solid final two" with Dan. He still has to put up a dreaded "Quack Pack" member as a pawn, though. Dan just may have to be that pawn, but Dan is "not cool' with that idea.

After one more commercial break, Dan again works his mind control on Ian, filling him up with praise and how much of a gamble it is to put up his fellow renegade. He suggests Jenn and Shane, and we then hear the exact clip we played on last night's Big Brother Gossip Show...almost to the exact same edits. With "renegades, it's death before dishonor", you know!

Uh oh, it is redheaded monster time. Ian is the first person in BB history to get two Pandora's Boxes, which I'm sure his buddies have already added to wikipedia. He opens the instructions, which are the same as always (something good or bad), and a pic of his parents are shown on the screen. The second card babbles about how nice it would be to hear "words of encouragement from somebody who loves you", and, of course, he picks the Pandora. He walks into the Pandora room, but instead of his parents it is stupid Rachel! Oh God. This is a worthless segment.

Downstairs, though, suddenly Dan hears his wife, Chelsea, followed by Shane's sister. Stupid Danielle, though, takes a couple of seconds to recognize her sister. They run into the living room to watch their family videos as the predictable acoustic guitar background begins.

Ian, though, is forced to sit through Rachel's "instructions", which are all about Brendon and her other annoying traits. Seriously, Rachel stinks...and they all cry over their videos.

After what seems like three hours, it is finally nomination ceremony time. Danielle's key is pulled out first, followed by Dan. As expected, Jenn and Shane are nominated. Ian says that it is the veto that counts, and that is that. A worthless speech.

We get the usual ending diary room quotes about fighting hard, blah blah blah. Oh, and Danielle makes it about herself, saying in her baby girl voice that it would be awful if she had to vote out Shane.

That's it, folks. Did you enjoy the return of Rachel? Are you as disappointed as me that we did not get rid of Ian or Shane, as Dan wanted? Is it time to get rid of that waste of space Jenn? Let us know you thoughts!

Saturday
Sep082012

Big Brother Gossip Show #27: Quack Mist

It's not hard to fill up time when  you have treats like Danielle in the house! Yes, we talk about that silly zit-monster, along with Dan's ability to get anybody in the house to do whatever they want. Plus, the double eviction night, the return of Rachel in a Pandora's Box, and so much more.

Oh yeah, and we also discuss today's POV competition, which resulted in a Shane victory. Danielle is not pleased about this development, and her and Dan hope to convince Shane to NOT use it to save himself. Yeah, you can't make this stuff up. 

As always, there are tons of ways to listen to this show, so here are the instructions. You can stream it via Scott's Android/iPhone app, The Ledge, or via Stitcher (http://www.stitcher.com/listen.php?fid=16875). You can also subscribe via iTunes (http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/big-brother-gossip-mp3/id502746488), and if you do please leave us a review. Finally, there's also a feedburner site -http://feeds.feedburner.com/bigbrothergossip - that links you to a number of different methods to subscribe. 

Finally, for a direct stream or download, please click...

--->HERE<----

Thanks to Mike, Colette, Karen, and Ash for their help in putting together this episode. Now go listen!!!

Thursday
Sep062012

Big Brother #14, Episode 25 Recap

It's double eviction night! Will it be double the fun? Who will be going home? We know it's the end of the line for Big Dummy Frank, but who will be the second evictee?

Unfortunately, the odds are that it will be either Jenn or Joe, as Smelly Pants Dan has the rest of the house snowed over. It is because of that fact that I predicted that Eagle Eye Pee Hands Joe would pull an upset. I doubt very much that this will happen, but he is our only hope this week. He has seen through Dan's shenanigans, although he has kept quiet over the past week. There's also the reality that while he has a big, big mouth, he seems to lack the balls to actually follow through with a big move. I could see him giving us hope for a few seconds, and then weaseling out to get Jenn out. Please, please, please, Joe. Win this and make us proud...at least for a few minutes.

Since this will be a long recap, let's just go right to the reactions to Dan using the veto to save Jenn instead of Big Dummy Frank. Please, do we have to start off with Joe yelling at the camera one more time? At least Joe knows that he is supposed to be a pawn this week. Jenn then compares being taken off the bloc to "getting that dream apartment in New York City". Really? She is concerned that her big ally, Frank, is still on the block.

Speaking of the Big Dummy, he still thinks that he has Dan and Danielle's votes to stay in the house (along with Jenn, of course). Dan then gloats about how it has been a great week for him - he added a new ally (Jenn), and Frank is still clueless that he's the next victim.

Now the segment moves along just like last night's. Big Dummy is making sure that Dan is still with him on the plan to get Joe out. "We're golden now, right?" Dan makes a little bit of a mistake, though, as they talk about next week's competition. "What if Joe pulls out a miracle win?" Uh oh. Dan quickly recovers, though, because Frank is a BIG DUMMY!

The segment doesn't end there, though, as Frank continues to pepper Dan about whether they're going to the end together. "You've got to realize that I've been burned so many times in this game this season. Every time I find someone to trust they put me on the block the next week."

Now it is Joe's turn to sound like a fool, as he heads over to the Ian to make sure that Frank is still the target. "Should I throw out a major campaign to Jen." Ian just says that he's "golden", mainly because he wants Joe to lay low and now screw things up with his big mouth. Joe calls Frank "Houdini", but Ian reminds him that Houdini died young. Joe, though, does a good job in pumping up Ian's ego by talking about how he is putting out the game's toughest competitor.

More Grodner footage is up next, as we get to endure Dan explaining his entire game as he stares at the memory wall. Yes, we get it. Dan's a perfect man who is always one step ahead of the pack. Well, this pack isn't too hard to be a mile ahead.

Dan decides that he needs to know where Joe's head is at right now, and he heads into the bedroom to see who he would put up. He throws out Shane and Danielle, but says in the diary room that he was just tossing out names.

A half hour later, Dan returns to the bedroom, but Joe thinks it was Shane. "Dan chased me in here", he says.

"This is Dan."

"What's up?" Ugh, what a bonehead. Shane then walks in, and Dan tells him the story. Now Dan claims to be considering to keep Big Dummy Frank. Yeah, right.

With that short segment complete, we head to a live shot for Julie to announce that it is once again a double eviction. Danielle's mouth drops open, but that's how she usually looks anyway.

The final pleas start with Big Dummy, who reminds them all that he can't compete in the next HOH. He's also "very vulnerable", so anybody who helps him can get help.

Joe then stands up, and again attempts a comedy act. "I know I'm the biggest single threat...in the kitchen". He thanks everybody for his time in the house, and "you have ot vote with your heart".

Live voting then begins with Dan, who votes to evict Frank, as does Danielle. Jenn, however, votes to evict Joe, but Shane makes it official by voting to evict Frank. He is out by a 3-1 vote!

Julie then reads the results, and he is surprisingly calm. Dan tells him he is a "great competitor", and he quickly hugs Jenn before heading out the door. Hmmm, where's the fireworks???

Julie tells Frank that he looks shellshocked, and he admits this to be the case. Frank is bummed that Dan put his hand on the Bible, and he should have never trusted him. This is an idiotic interview, as it is nothing but not having anybody to trust.

Let's move on to the goodbye messages, which starts with silly Joe complaining about the size of his ego. "Your biggest mistake in the game was not getting rid of Dan." Well, duh. Shane adds little to the chat, and Ian says that he had to make this decision for the good of his game. Dan then yells that he respects him, and that is why he voted him out. What a kissass. Julie asks if there are hard feelings, and Frank says "absolutely". For some reason, Julie continues the interview and Frank continues to whine. Enough!

Time for a quick HOH competition. As expected, it is a question game called "Make Your Case". Julie reads a quote from a nominee's final plea, and they have to identify that person. The person with the most points after seven questions wins.

The first quote is about being underestimated, and only Jenn gets this right (Ashley). The second question is about the term "brass tacks", and Jenn, Dan, and Danielle all guess Boogie. The third round is about bullies, and Jenn this time is the ONLY one wrong.

Question four is about believing they were going to play a dirty game, and Jenn, Dan, and Danielle all guess Jojo. Question five is about who played an honest game, and those three again guess correctly.

Question six is about helping others win the game, and again it is between those three. The final question is about fairness, and nobody gets it correct. It is a three-way tie between Jenn, Dan, and Danielle. The tie-breaker is a guess on the number of minutes that Jodi was in the house. Danielle guesses 230, Dan has 363, and Jenn as 160. The correct answer is 481 minutes, which means that Dan wins! Gross!

After commercials, everybody gathers in the living room. Joe stupidly sits in one of the nomination chairs, and won't move. Dan says he has to make tough decisions, and nominates Joe...and IAN!!! WTF??? Even Joe is shocked!

When we return from yet another break, it is time for the veto comp...and everybody is playing. The comp is called "Swimming With Sharks", and they have to work a shark through a maze. The first to finish it, and return to hit their buzzer wins. Danielle jumps in the lead, but they quickly all even up (except for Shane). In fact, Joe is even in the lead for a second, but stalls at the halfway mark. Ian then sneaks ahead, and looks to be taking it until the maze pulls him back a bit. He's still way ahead of the others, and indeed he does win!

And yet another commercial break before Ian saves himself from the block. Before we get to that, though, Dan is gathering various people for strategy, and first the door slams on Ian...and then he leaves when Dan wants to talk to him. Just get to the ceremony, please!

Finally, Julie calls everybody to the room...but Dan attempts to talk to Jenn one more time. With everybody finally in place, Ian does indeed save himself...and is replaced by Danielle! Wait, What??? Danielle???? OMG, this is the greatest moment ever!!!! The audience may have groaned, but I haven't been this happy in weeks! Get Danielle out! Get Danielle out! (Oh wait, she is my choice as this year's winner.)

CBS is raking in cash this week, as we have to sit through yet more commercials before the voting. After flashing her panties, Danielle stands up and says to please keep her. Joe then says that he has "strong ass loyalty" and he loves them all.

Voting starts with Shane, who obviously votes to evict Joe, as does Jenn and Ian. Joe is out by a 3-0 vote! Once again, my hopes and dreams for this season are dashed. Joe hugs everybody, and walks out with a smile on his face. "It's just a game."

Oh great, he comes out screaming to the audience. Thankfully, I won't have to endure that voice much for the rest of this season. There seems to be some drama in the house though, before we get to the interview. Danielle is clearly not happy with being nominated.

Julie's interview starts with pointing out that he survived on nomination earlier tonight, so what went wrong this time? Joe says that he needed one big victory, but he didn't pull though. "Ian absolutely deserves this." When asked why Danielle wasn't evicted, Joe's reply is "showmance! I can't go there. I'll rub his back but that's all he's getting." Julie points out that Joe never made any big moves in the game, nor won any competitions. Was that his strategy? Let me answer this...no. Even Joe knows this idea is ridiculous. "I tried with every ounce of my body to win one of these things." His only skill set was to win them over with cooking. Julie concludes by asking about his dumb pubic hair on his chin, and he calls it "Chinny Claus". Ugh.

Before the show ends, Julie confirms that next Wednesday will indeed be another eviction; the day before the show is shrunk down to three.

What did you think of tonight's show? Did the right people get evicted? Are you excited for the inevitable drama that Danielle will cause by being nominated? Tell us what you think!

Sunday
Sep022012

Big Brother #14, Episode 23 Recap (Sort Of)

Call it the holiday blues. Call it laziness. Call it what you like, but I decided against my usual 10,000 word recap tonight. I knew the format of tonight's show would match every other endurance Sunday episode, and the appearance of Grodner's human dildo, Jessie, was not reason enough to sit through and transcribe. Plus, I've had visions all day of a beautiful woman partying in New Orleans, wearing little more than a sexy tank top.

I did watch, though, and had some fun tweeting my usual absurdist silliness. I hearby treat you to some of my reactions from this long, long hour.

7:57 Instead of All-Stars, they should have an ultimate losers season. Can you imagine an endurance where Joe & Kathy pin a tail on a donkey?

7:59 We could have a comp where Ian, Danielle, and Cowboy have to make the goofiest faces in the mirror.

8:00 After last night, though, we do know one contest where Joe would excel...but it would have to be on Showtime.

8:00 Maybe Joe, Ian, and Brendon could have a Skype self-pleasure contest! #AllStarLosersSeason

8:02 So the show starts tonight with dummy#1, dummy#2, and dummy#3....with a drunk, twitching idiot#4.

8:03 And a self-important, "Christian" douchebag.

8:04 Cue Dan screaming the instructions in the diary room any second now...

8:04 Oh Jenn, you have yet to make a big move and you have yet to be a "big target".

8:05 Wait, is this a loop? Joe and Jenn aren't down yet?

8:05 Ian's growing self-importance is the funniest thing about this season.

8:06 And there is the screaming. *WhereIsTheMuteButton?

8:07 Joe, not only are your four kids laughing at you but all of America is

8:07 I'm sorry, the Hula Hoop "punishment" was no punishment, and Joe loved every fucking second of the attention. #GuaranteedScreenTime

8:08 Good thing precious Danielle wasn't bruised by the "comet"

8:08 Oh look, there's goes the "big target" Jenn.

8:09 What we learned tonight - giant red penises are kryptonite to Brooklyn lesbians.

8:10 Dan, can you scream the obvious just a little bit louder? I missed it the first five times.

8:11 Shane sure loves hitting the penis comet.

8:11 So Danielle is completely made up for the comp, but is in the diary room showing every blemish. #DumbTwit

8:12 Dammit, CBS, why no Danielle puke footage??

8:12 Dan was up 42 minutes - I had predicted 45.

8:17 It amazes me that they stretch out these boring endurance comps to almost a full half hour of broadcast time.

8:22 So the new rule is that breaking alliances is ok if you "like" the new people more Interesting.

8:27 Oh look, the only two people who didn't think Frank was going up. #JoeAndFrankAreClueless

8:28 Now this "girlfriend" convo is by far Jenn's BEST MOMENT OF THE SEASON!!!! You go girl!!!

8:28 Hmmm, Danielle is actually all made up and busty for the Shane diary room convo???

8:28 Ian's HOH reveal. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

8:30 Danielle's only thought about Ian's HOH is "where are the Cheetos?"

8:31 So all the Dan fans saying that he didn't have a F2 deal with Frank, he himself has said it at least 3 times tonight.

8:32 Fuck the Quack Pack.

8:32 Poor Joe had to stop jerking off to do his dumb hula hoop shit.

8:33 You know when the season is over Danielle is going to be pissed they didn't show her in the hula hoop.

8:35 Ding Ding Ding Ian!!! He can't play HOH next week. Your idiot Quackers would have a better chance at winning HOH

8:40 Oh come on, like Mr. BB WIki would even consider NOT opening Pandora.

8:42 Even on the scale of Jessie appearances, this is easily the worst Pandora ever. zzzzzz

8:43 Who wants Jessie's dick more - Grodner, Danielle, or Shane???

8:44 This segment would have been better if chip-chomper Britney had still been there.

8:45 Yes, Dan, scream that same theme to us one more time. We may have forgotten since ten minutes ago.

8:46 Dan's "It's kind of your call", which means "here's what I am commanding you to do".

8:47 This season is such a disaster that I actually want that delusional twit Danielle to win.

8:54 Oh come on, Ian, this is not the "difficult decision" the scriptwriters want us to believe.

8:55 Danielle clearly remembered that this is guaranteed camera time, as her tits are busting out of that shirt.

8:56 Ian, quit lying. Jenn has NOT played a "remarkable social game" this season. She's been invisible!

8:56 Ugh..."quack quack". Shut it, Ian.

8:57 Oh Jenn, I now laugh at your diary room segments as much as I do Dan and Joe's.