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Entries in Episode Recap (107)

Thursday
Aug252011

Big Brother Season 13, Episode 22 Recap

Tonight marks a true rarity when it comes to CBS broadcasts of Big Brother. As I’ve complained all season, the producers work under a never-changing template. Ask me the time of a particular moment on any show, and I can generally tell you exactly what they’re going to show. Even the eviction episode is pretty predictable as the evictee is obvious the moment the veto ceremony concludes.

That’s not true for tonight’s episode. Yes, there is a double eviction, and that’s always a bit unpredictable. It’s not just that fact that makes tonight a crap shoot, though. Due to some unusual moves the last two days, it is not entirely clear who is even going to be the first evictee of the night. Even a few of the conversations held in the house earlier today are inconclusive. One set of viewers claims it points to one person; another says we could see a huge surprise.

Unfortunately, we won’t see much of the maneuvering that led to this situation, as the double eviction drastically cuts into the small amount of time that’s reserved for post-veto activities. After Julie’s explanation of how double eviction works, we jump to the reactions to Jeff replacing Porsche with Daniele. She immediately heads out of the room so she doesn’t say “things that will sink my ship”. She is going to campaign even though Kalia is her best friend.

Rachel gets out her usual lines about hating Daneile, and Porsche says it sucks to have to “pick between the two friends I have in the house”. Kalia knows that Daneile is the real target so she’s going to lay low, but it “really sucks” that her good pal is being taken away from her. Jeff adds that he will be “shocked” if Daniele doesn’t leave, and it will mean his alliance has “flipped” if that does happen.

Well, the fun starts right away, as Daniele joins Shelly in the backyard. Shelly asks how she’s doing, and Daniele’s response is that she’s not going to “roll over”. She says that it all comes down to getting Adam and Shelly’s voice, and she jumps right into letting Shelly know that Jordan, Rachel, and Jeff are the guaranteed final three. She asks if she has any shot at Shelly’s vote, and Shelly says yes but she wants to be assured that Daniele won’t put her up. “If you keep me in this house, you have my word on my grandmother’s life I will never nominate you. Ever.”

Shelly says in the diary room that Jeff and Jordan are by far her biggest allies, but if she goes to the finals with them she’ll get “zip”. She starts bawling about how she has to go against “the two people that have given me the greatest gift in the game, their friendship, but I don’t think I have any other option.”

Jump ahead a day and we see the second day of Shelly’s interrogation of Adam. She rolls out the facts of how they’re the low points of their alliance with Jeff and Jordan, and Adam admits she makes good points. Adam is not convinced, though, and says he doesn’t know if he can trust Daniele. Shelly is flabbergasted. “You’re not going to win against Jeff and Jordan! This is for a half million dollars! This is for all the metal concerts you ever want to go to!”

Adam is now lifting weights with Jeff, with Shelly and Daniele looking on. Daniele asks if he has a deal with them, and when Shelly says no she adds that he’s just “in love with them”. Shelly fills her in on her earlier conversation with Adam, and says she wants “him to be strong enough to make a big move. If he’s not, he’s not going to win”. Daniele is pissed that she’s going home because that “doofus” is the deciding vote.

We jump ahead again to last night, and Adam and Jeff are practicing the game that Big Brother has provided. Adam says that in case it is the HOH device, he’s “going to practice all night”. Shelly is now sitting with Rachel, and she starts to, believe it or not, work on Rachel. She hits Rachel right where it hurts by telling her that Jeff threw the “cornhole” game that led to Brendon’s departure. Rachel is pissed! “If they screw over Brendon like that, they’ll probably try to screw me over.”

Rachel heads inside, and asks to talk to Daniele to investigate. Daniele says that it is true, and Rachel then asks about joining her and Porsche in a team. As much as she hates her guts, Rachel says it “might be a better game move”. Rachel asks if she has the votes, and when Daniele says she has Shelly’s vote, Rachel says no. Daniele is shocked that she has “a glimmer of hope in red extensions and furry boots. I will do anything to stay, even if that means making a deal with the devil.”

Shockingly, Julie Chen lets us know that the house just “exploded” when Jeff learned that Shelly has done this work on Daniele’s behalf. We then head into the house and Julie announces the double eviction. We jump right to the final pleas, and Daniele begins. She starts with the usual thank yous, and being that she is supposedly the only person in the house with a love and respect for the game she deserves to stay. Say what? “It also saddens me that these people are too afraid to stand on their own two feet and make a stand, and use the brain the Good Lord has graciously given them. I came here to play a game that I love, but unfortunately other people had a different agenda. That agenda is to sit around for the entire summer to write Jeff and Jordan a paycheck. So congratulations!” Wow!

Kalia gets up and admits she can’t follow that, so “vote for me”. She sits down and voting begins with Jordan, who obviously votes to evict Daniele. Porsche is next, and she votes to evict Kalia, as does Shelly. So here’s the crucial vote – who does Rachel vote for? She votes against “bad game play and backstabbers”. Yes, she votes against Daniele, as does Adam. Daniele is evicted 3-2!

Julie announces the decision, and hugs only her friends before saying “step it up, people”. After both saying the silly “shocker”, Julie asks about what went wrong and we get a repeat of her final plea. “Adam is the worst player to ever play this game!” Julie points out that she looked like she was coasting but screwed it up by making a play after Jeff. “I’m not a coaster.” We jump right to the goodbye messages, and Shelly says she is “really impressed with her”. Jeff jokes about being her “best friend”, and Kalia breaks down crying as she talks about making a great friend. She promises to make sure that Rachel sees her “stupid fiancé” real soon. Of course, Rachel is all giddy and says she doesn’t care about her “stupid jury vote”. She hates her, and says she’s not “half the game player your dad was”. Oh boy.

It’s now HOH time, and as expected it is a question game called “Before or After”. Julie names two events, and they have to say if the first one was before or after the second event. Everybody gets the first answer correct, but Adam is out on the second question. Everybody but Jordan and Kalia get the next question wrong, but Jordan messes up the final question making Kalia the winner! Wow! She grabs Porsche and Shelly to confer as we go to a commercial!

When we return, Rachel is sitting by herself as the others are wandering around. Julie brings them into the living room, and Kalia nominates Jeff and Rachel. After another commercial break, we head out to the veto contest. Joining Kalia, Jeff, and Rachel is Porsche, Shelly, and Adam. This competition is called “Clowning Around”, and the players have to find clown shoes in a vat of balls. Rachel si the first to find one, followed by Shelly, Adam, and Porsche. Jeff finally finds one, and Porsche is the first to grab one to secure the victory! Nice work, El Camino! Jordan is in tears, and Adam grabs a quick smoke as we head to commercials.

Julie again gathers the troops, and Adam informs Porsche where to stand. Rachel gets to make a final plea, but she doesn’t know what to say. She says it would be a good choice to save her, but if not “good game everyone”. Jeff says his “action speak for themselves”, and says she “has nice hair, too”. Porsche makes the obvious decision not to use the veto…and we go to yet ANOTHER commercial!

Time is winding down as head to our second eviction. Jeff is yelling at Shelly as Julie calls them into place, and Rachel looks to be having a meltdown. Rachel gets to make a second plea, and she doesn’t make a lot of sense (as usual). Jeff says it is “simple” – and points to Adam and Shelly as people that need to vote for him despite one fight. Jordan is still bawling. “Respect me, and respect Jordan.”

Jordan is the first to vote, and obviously votes to evict Rachel. Porsche is next, and votes to evict Jeff. Adam’s vote is also obvious, as he votes against Rachel. Shelly is in tears as she votes to evict Jeff. It’s all up to Kalia! Wow! She says that Jeff is “awesome” but she has to evict him! He tells Jordan to “stay strong” and heads out the door. Jordan is crying that she has “nobody” on their side to Rachel, and Porsche counsels Shelly.

Julie asks if the backdoor of Daniele was a bad move, and he says it wasn’t. “Nobody in there has a sack. I don’t know if I can say that, but they don’t. I’m the only one who would have did anything in this game, and I had to step up to do something. And a couple of people who slept until now - it’s day 55 - they just woke up in there, won a couple of competitions.” Ok, enough as he rambles on. “I’m a little fired up, Julie.” The interview ends without the start of the next HOH competition. Fire up those feeds!

Well, two strong people hit the road tonight. What did you think of the episode? Are you happy Daniele is gone? Or Big Jeff? Why is Rachel bawling? Tell me your thoughts!

Wednesday
Aug242011

Big Brother Season 13, Episode 21 Recap

I must begin tonight’s recap with a bit of an apology – yes, I was a bit harsh on the house guests this past Sunday. Wait, screw that. I’m sick of them all! Their game play is horrendous, and that includes the CBS golden boy and his illiterate “girlfriend”!

OK, I got that off my chest.  I’m going to try to play a bit nicer tonight, but it is not going to be easy as I expect it to be DULLSVILLE! When the so-called highlight of the show is the return of the Zingbot, you know the show has plenty of problems.

As always, the reactions to Jeff’s nominations of Porsche and Kalia is the spot where we join the festivities. (BTW, CBS did a nice job on the recap to set the stage for what happens tonight.) Porsche says that she’s not surprised, but somehow thinks she’s a “bigger threat” than Kalia. Somehow, Kalia thinks the same, especially since she doesn’t just hang out in a bikini. Jeff comes right out and says that he loves his nominations, and if they stay the same Kalia must go. HOWEVER, if “the stars align…maybe Daniele gets backdoored”. Daniele knows this is possible, and must do whatever it takes to ensure that does not happen.

Kalia and Daniele are now in the kitchen eating, and Daniele asks how it feels to be nominated. Kalia shrugs, and Daniele notes that she is “the last one who hasn’t been on the block yet”. She again admits that she is worried that this week may end that streat, and Kalia asks if Daniele would be safe from nomination if she won the veto and used it to save her. In the diary room, Daniele says that although she promised to throw the competition, the best scenario is for her to win it to force Jeff to put one of his alliance members up. Daniele then heads into the have-not room to talk to Porsche, and she also says the best plan is for Daniele to win the veto. “This blows.”

Adam and Jeff are now talking, and Adam says he thought that he was going to put up Daniele. Jeff says that he has some points to prove, and they both talk about how that “side” of the house needs to be shown how to play the game. Adam shoves his tongue even further up Jeff’s ass by congratulating “Big Jeff” on being classy. Adam says that if he somehow wins veto, he’s going to let Jeff tell him what to do with it.

Time for some Rachel silliness. Porsche and Daniele are in the kitchen, and Rachel comes in to start needling Daniele. “Daniele hates life right now…why do you hate life so bad?” This goes on for a bit, and for the whole story you really should listen to last week’s episode of the Big Brother Gossip Show. Daniele says Rachel is “obsessed with me”. Rachel says her motivation is to get under her skin because Daniele evicted Brendon twice.

It must have worked, as Daniele heads outside and whines to Jordan about how she wants to punch Rachel. They’re joined by Rachel, who asks why Daniele is pissed off. Daniele just gets up and walks away, and Rachel asks her what she did. “I have a halo over my head right now…I was just trying to make sure she was ok”.

After a commercial break, it is time to pick veto players. Besides the six players, Daniele is also involved because of last week’s veto card she won. Jeff pulls out Jordan’s name, Porsche nabs Adam, and Kalia gets houseguest choice. Surprisingly, she chose Shelly over Rachel. Daniele couldn’t be happier that Rachel is not playing.

Before we get to the competition, though, we have to sit through the silliness of Jordan stripping off her humilitard. Yes, it is the least sexy striptease of all time, even with Jeff’s scripted diary room banter about how much he is enjoying it.

Back to serious “bizness”, as Jeff and Jordan watch Daniele and Porsche cook in the kitchen. Oh wait, this is just more filler as they do a MST3 2000 routine to the spy cam action of Daniele and Porsche. Oh yes, and an argument over how to say the word “mischievous”. I’ll refrain from the sort of comments I would have made on Sunday about this cutesy idiocy.

OK, now it is serious stuff, as Daniele and Kalia whine. Kalia has a good feeling that the comp will be something that Daniele is good at doing. Daniele, though, says if she wins she will have a hard time deciding on whom to use it on. It certainly sounds like Kalia is going to throw it, though, so in my eyes she deserves to go home this week. Anybody remember the Dom fiasco?

It is veto comp time, which also means it is time for the dreaded Zingbot 3000. Rachel says she wants to be “zinged”, and it goes quiet. It comes back to life, and throws out one-liners about Jeff’s soul patch, Porsche’s booty size, Rachel’s use of the word “fiancé” (with an awful scripted “me and my man” line), Daniele’s father, Adam’s similar look to Uncle Fester, Shelly’s similarity to a “dude”, Kalia’s sex blog/sleeping, and Jordan’s inability to answer questions (“the only reason Jeff hasn’t proposed is because of your inability to answer questions”).

Silly time over, everybody heads out back for the veto competition. Rachel is happy because the set is all “science-y”, and Daniele gets out her own “zing”. Everybody must assemble the Zingbot’s “bride”, and the winner is the first to successfully complete the puzzle. In case you forgot, Kalia reminds us that the best case scenario is for Daniele to win, but notes that she must think for herself first.

The game begins, and after ONCE AGAIN listening to the rules from Jeff, we hear Adam say that he had no desire to win this competition. A rarity occurs as Daniele actually recites a scripted line (she has said on the feeds that she refuses to do such a thing), and then Shelly ALSO says she’s throwing this comp. Jeff makes a joke about Kalia and Porsche “taking a nap”, and Kalia and Adam both make the same bad joke about a mechanical dates are the only ones they get.

Jeff is pulling way ahead of Daniele and Porsche, the only two players actually trying, and he indeed wins the veto. Yes, Jeff, we know that you have ALL the power in the house. Both Kalia and Porsche say they now have to talk to Jeff to ensure she doesn’t go home. Daniele also needs to remind Jeff of their deal, but Jeff says he has a big decision to make.

When we return form a commercial break, Kalia is whining to Shelly that she thinks she is going home. Shelly’s plan is to keep pumping up the other side despite the fact that she is aligned with Jeff and Jordan. Kalia thinks she is a bigger threat than Porsche. Um, no. She also believes that Porsche will be taken down in favor of Daniele, but Shelly says she’s going to talk to him.

Jeff indeed then calls Shelly in to talk to himself and Adam. Jeff doesn’t really answer any of their questions, and Jeff claims in the diary room that his decision will “alter the rest of the game”. Shelly says that Kalia is “freaking” because she thinks she is the target. Jeff just smiles.

Porsche now heads into the have-not room where Daniele is whining. Daniele is upset that either she goes, or one of her alliance members. Porsche points out that she has been in second place four times in a row, and it is not fair if she goes home. Oh boo hoo.

Jeff now attempts to talk to Porsche, but her only point is that she doesn’t want to be stuck in the jury house with Brendon. Jeff asks what she wants, and offers a one-week deal. Before he walks away, Jeff again points out that she never talks.

Kalia is then brought upstairs to talk to Jeff, and she says she is “slightly humbled”. She repeats the story about how he was not her target way back in week three, and that she is not coming after him. She also complains that it is not fair that she may leave before somebody who has done nothing in the house (Porsche). She adds that her side’s goal has always been to boot Rachel (ok, why didn’t you do that when you had the chance?). Kalia says in the diary room that she hopes Jeff is still going after “floaters”, which in her mind only includes Porsche.

Now it is Daniele’s turn, and Jeff says he’s “nervous” about their relationship. She wants to boot Porsche, and is open to a final three deal with him and Jordan. She reminds him that she has given his word twice and hasn’t gone against it. If she is put up, though, she is going to fight to stay.

Veto ceremony time, and Jeff says he still is not sure what he is going to do. Rachel also has no idea, but hopes that it Daniele is put up. Porsche hopes that she is taken down because she hasn’t done anything wrong, but Kalia thinks she has a better shot at getting votes than Porsche. Daniele still has hope that Jeff’s word is indeed golden.

With everybody’s script properly read, Jeff brings the house guests inside. He asks Porsche and Kalia why they should stay, and Porsche says very little but how she likes his haircut. Kalia also just kisses his ass, saying if she stays Jeff “will have a lot more red velvet cake”.

Jeff then announces that he is taking down Porsche, and as you may guess he then puts up Daniele. “Let the good times roll”, she responds. “Shocker!” Rachel is beaming, and Jeff says it all is due to trust. “I’m moving forward with the people that want to roll with me”. It all goes back to her attempt to backdoor him in week two, and he talks about Julie Chen’s question about second-guessing that move.

Daniele is pissed, and says that if she remains this will be his “worst game move”. Kalia says this is the worst week ever, since she is still on the block and now next to her best friend. Rachel, of course, is still beaming. “Way to go, Jeff! Daniele needs to learn a lesson that nobody comes between me and my alliance!” Ugh, make the scripts go away! Jeff also ably reads the script, using her pet words “awkward” and “shocker”. (I’m refraining. I really am.)

And we’re done! What did you think of this episode? Who is going home tomorrow? What about the Zingbot? Please leave a comment or three!

Sunday
Aug212011

Big Brother Season 13, Episode 20 Recap

Tonight’s episode is easy to predict, especially given CBS’ refusal to never tamper with the template they’ve used since the show’s first season. Here’s the predicted lineup – Endurance competition begins, Rachel whines about losing Brennnnon again, more endurance, Rachel’s determination to win, more endurance, scripted “hilarity” from Jordan, Jeff wins, Jeff’s HOH reveal, Shelly snaps at Rachel, dejection and pleading from the “other side”, predictable nominations. Oh yeah, and probably a filler segment to ensure camera hog Adam makes the show. Let’s see how close I am.

Of course, the show starts with the beginning of the endurance competition. Just in case you forgot how it worked, we get to hear Julie repeat the instructions. Yeah, yeah, yeah, the course is slippery…and is is a “must win” for everybody. Shelly keeps repeating “Josie” to inspire her.

And there it is – Rachel complains about how she’s all alone now that Brennnnnon is evicted. We get to see a replay of that great moment, and Shelly is happy that she’s “here to stay”. Jeff says Rachel has to “dry her tears” and move on. Rachel adds that Brendon’s week back “lit her fire” and she’s here to stay. Daniele is still cocky because Brendon has been evicted three times in one year. Um, don’t get so cocky. After Brendon walks out, Rachel makes a comment about how he got “the same amount of cheers as last time”.

Back to the game – Kalia asks Daniele how if she’s catching up, and that leads to more commentary about how important this HOH is for them. Cue the Jordan-ism of the night about how it is they’re playing on Crisco. Cue the footage of everybody slipping and falling. Rachel says she “loves a foam party as much as the next girl, but I don’t know if I can handle this much foam”. Well, you don’t have as much as the other since you’re in the outside lane. Jordan is still in her humilitard, and after falling we have scripted bullshit from Jeff about how cute she is. Cat ladies unite!

Kalia is starting to slow down, and Daniele is getting frustrated. Kalia says she’s a “really terrible cheerleader”, and is “actually really irritating me”. Well, you’ve irritated us all season!

Jeff is now way ahead, but it is time for more cutesy bullshit from Jordan as the bubbles are getting in her eyes. Adam gets his cameo, too, as he fall on his ass. “That hurt. That hurt a lot.” Kalia is way behind, but notices that Porsche is pretty close to being in the lead. We’re also led to believe that Rachel is close to the lead as the babbles how she’s out to prove to the house that she can win without Brennnnon. Yeah, sure. As we head to commercials, we get more garbage from Jeff and Porsche on how they HAVE to win.

When we return, it is still Jeff in the lead, and Daniele is cheering for Porsche. Yes, Jeff, we get it. You’re determined to win. Rachel has started to realize that she’s going to lose, so she starts kissing up to Jeff. “You got it, Jeff.” Porsche also notices, but CBS chooses to have her read some scripted garbage about stopping a washing machine.

Finally, Jeff wins HOH. Yes, Jeff and Jordan are happy and can both relax. Porsche, though, is bummed because she’s been second place so many times. Rachel loves the fact that Daniele, Porsche, and Kalia are acting so dejected. “At least when you win, I pretend like I’m happy. Kind of sucks when things don’t work out your way for once, huh?”

Back in the house, Daniele congratulates Jeff, who admits in the diary room that he’s going to do what is best for him, and that may include getting rid of Daniele. We jump ahead to Daniele hanging out in the kitchen with Kalia and Porsche, who complains again about always being in second place.

Jeff is now in the shower, and Rachel whines to Jordan about missing Brennnnnnon. Of course, as Jordan is reassuring her about him, Rachel has to throw in a dig about how it is Brendon who is “deciding who wins”. Um, no. He’s one of seven. She adds in the diary room that she still isn’t sure if Jeff and Jordan are on her side.

We move on to Shelly, who has decided she “sucks at competitions”. Well, duh. Instead, she says “I’m going to have to be a really good person”. This really good person then goes off on how much she hates Rachel. “Bitch. I can’t stand her.” She doesn’t understand why Jeff and Jordan are working with her. “I dislike everything that comes out of her mouth.”

I guess her move is to make Rachel feel uncomfortable, and her odd way of doing that is to walk into the bathroom and babble about how awesome Jeff is in front of Rachel. WTF? “Jeff, you’re so funny. You’re such a great guy. Can I make you a drink?” Rachel responds by whining in the diary room how she “doesn’t deserve to be here over Breennnnon”.

Kalia is handling her loss by taking naps, and Daniele attempts to give her a pep talk. She knows she’s not safe, but hopes Jeff puts up Porsche and Rachel. If that doesn’t happen, she wants Daniele to win the veto and take her down. Daniele, though, still has hope that Jeff and Jordan follow through on the deal she made with them.

Filler time, as Jeff reveals his HOH room. Yes, Jordan, we know Jeff “deserves it”. Cat ladies, enjoy! The rest of us, zzzzzzzzz! BTW, Shelly, you’re beyond creepy! Why oh why is this segment lasting even longer than usual???

Everybody finally leaves, and it is just Jeff and Rachel, who immediately jumps on Jeff! Wait, no, that never happened. She does kiss his ass, though, while Shelly is downstairs making fun of her. Shelly has had enough, and heads upstairs to confront her. Sadly, they edited out when Shelly tripped over her own feet. Shelly unloads on the eye rolls and the “looks of death”, but Rachel doesn’t respond. “She’s going to tell me that I need to have to leave the alliance? I don’t think so, lady! She’s done nothing in this game! I just had to bite my tongue, and I wanted to seriously tell her a few things or two.”

Finally, Rachel responds, saying “I’ve haven’t been talking  about you to anyone…recently”.  Shelly says it shouldn’t happen at all, and both Jeff and Jordan say that’s a great idea. “We have to stick together”, says Jeff. “Bite your tongue, and we’ll move forward.” Jeff says in the diary room that he’s impressed that she didn’t respond. “Maybe something I’m telling her is sticking in that noodle. Whew, hallelujah!”

Time for more filler, as it is a segment on how Shelly never eats except for stuff that “eight year olds” eat. She’s never heard of “half of the stuff Daniele eats”, along with everyday stuff that everybody regularly buys. Fast forward time.

With the absence of a have-not competition, we get this next segment over pretty quickly. Everybody walks into the house from outside to find a table full of hard boiled eggs and jalapenos. Jeff opens an envelope, and has to choose the week’s have-nots. He chooses Kalia, Porsche, and Daniele. Cue lots of whining…especially from (obviously) Kalia.

The three have-nots convene in the bedroom, and Daniele complains about how she has to spend her birthday on slop. Daniele’s body supposedly doesn’t handle slop very well, so “this week blows”. Porsche adds, “this is bullshit”. Get over it, you twits.

Kalia is now sitting outside with Jeff and Rachel, and she asks Rachel to leave. This is another nowhere conversation, as Kalia hints that Rachel would immediately backstab him if given the chance. This supposedly backfires on Jeff, as he says whenever somebody throws another under the bus it’s just another reason for him to suspect them. Kalia also claims that Jeff was never on her radar, and Jeff responds that she knows his thoughts on that subject. Cue the footage from when Kalia was HOH and told Jeff he was going to be her pawn. “You struck first…and you have to expect repercussions for your actions.”

Wow, could there be any more filler. It is time for everybody to act excited by the replacement of the table by a smaller one. Yeah, Shelly, we get that you’re the only one who cleans in the house. Enough on this subject.

Now it is Daniele’s turn to talk to Jeff, and he tells her that “we’re good”. He asks her what she will do if she wins veto, and she asks what he wants her to do. Obviously, it is to not use it. She says that she probably won’t win in that case because Kalia would expect her to use it. Worried about what Jeff would do, she asks what would happen if either Kalia or Porsche would win. Jeff denies that he’d replace them with her, but admits that he just doesn’t want her “stirring up stuff”.

Finally, Porsche has her moment with Jeff, and she says that her goal is to “win at least one before I’m out of here”. Jeff makes a crack about how at day 49 the two of them have finally talked game, and the conversation ends quickly as Porsche has little of substance to add. Even with a numbskull like Jeff, Porsche is the dumber one of the conversation!

In case you didn’t pay attention to these earlier conversations, we get to see Jeff restate the Daniele conversation with Jordan. Neither believes that Daniele will actually throw the veto competition, and that they can’t trust her. “What if you do get Daniele this week”, asks Jordan.

The top of the hour is calling us, so it is nomination time. Jeff ably reads the cue cards, and everybody else does the same regarding whether they believe they’ll be nominated. The first key pulled is Rachel’s, followed by Shelly, Adam, Jordan, and Daniele. Kalia and Porsche are, as expected, nominated. Jeff’s reasoning is that he wants Porsche to “prove” that she’s in the house to play, and that Kalia is up because of her earlier nomination of him.

Cue Porsche claiming that she will be bringing her “A game”, and that she wants to stay to get rid of Jeff next week. Yeah, right. Daniele admits that “things are not looking too hot right now”, and Kalia says she’s going to “stay cool”, “calm”, and “under the radar”, and somehow that is going to prove she deserves to stay in the house. Jeff jokes that the first thing the two nominees will do is “take a nap” and that he’s “making a statement that it’s time to play” but is hoping for the opportunity to backdoor Daniele.

And that’s a wrap! What did you think of tonight’s episode? Were you as bored as me? Did you get enough of Jeff and Jordan? Let us know your thoughts!

Thursday
Aug182011

Big Brother Season 13, Episode 19 Recap

Yesterday, I was listening to a comedy show on satellite radio and one of the topics was the overuse of the “our long national nightmare is now over”. The host was making the case that it is one of the worst clichés in modern journalism, and it should be never used again.

Well, I’m going to use it tonight, because (barring some last-second craziness) the nightmare that Rachel calls “Brennnnnon” is being cast aside for what should be the very last time. No more expert commentary on every subject. No more elaborate meals that suck the Big Brother house of food supplies. No more passive/aggressive behavior towards not only his “feeeee-ance” but the rest of the cast.

Most importantly, no more bragging on how he is the greatest player to ever set foot in the house. Guess what, science boy? You’re now the only person to be evicted from Big Brother THREE times! Yes, that’s right; there’s been a trio of wonderful evenings where the “Neander-tall” has walked out the door. Don’t let it hit you in the ass, you doofus.

Before we get to that great moment, though, we have lots and lots of filler to get through. Seriously. Lots of filler, especially since the HOH competition looks to be an endurance competition. I can’t even imagine the silliness we’re going to have to endure.

So let’s get started with the reaction to Adam using his veto, and Brendon replacing him as a nominee. Brendon is confident that he’s not going to be evicted again, and Shelly doesn’t believe that she “falls into zombieland”. Daniele complains about Kalia’s HOH week, and that she needs to clean it up by evicting Brendon. Rachel claims that by nominating Brendon twice, it is obvious that Daniele is “intimidated” by Brendon. Don’t think so, my dear. Rachel doesn’t stop there…as you may expect.

As with every Thursday episode this week, Brendon and Rachel head into the have-not room to cry, whine, kiss, point fingers, and make up. There’s no need to recap their silliness, and, thankfully, we’ll never see this scene again this season.  Brendon thinks he just needs to convince either Porsche or Adam for a vote to save himself.

Shelly, Jeff, and Daniele are now laying out in the sun, and Daniele comments on how “this is going to be a long week”. Shelly agrees, and asks if they saw Rachel glaring at her during the veto ceremony. Shelly says her plan is to just be “calm and cool…to make sure things stay good”. She does the typical kiss-up job on Daniele, and tells her she had a great speech.

We jump ahead a bit, and Rachel and Brendon are attempting to work their magic on Adam. Brendon’s plan is to point out how the girls have been winning everything so far, and wants to continue to boot the boys (and Shelly, who is questionably a girl). He promises to have Adam’s back, but as always Adam is non-committal. “You made my head hurt, and my stomach hurt.”

A bit out of chronological order, Rachel now attempts to work on Porsche. Rachel says she “is so ready to fight for my man. I am ready to do whatever it takes to ensure that Brendon stays in the house this week.” Porsche doesn’t make a lot of sense in her replies, and Rachel claims that they’re on her side. Porsche finally says that the last time she voted for Brendon to stay it didn’t help her out at all. This really doesn’t make a lot of sense, as Porsche is indeed still in the house. The talk ends with Porsche asking for a fake smile, which turns into a grimace after she walks out.

Now jump back two nights, as Shelly is sitting with Jeff and Jordan. Jeff makes a joke about going home, and Shelly asks if he’s voting her out. He says he’s not voting her out, but he’s actually conflicted about what to do. He reminds Shelly that they have to be “on the same page 100%”, and Shelly says they are. In the diary room, Shelly concedes that her method of gathering information from both sides may be creating some issues with her heroes. Instead, she goes on about how much she hates Rachel, but Jordan says they “need her right now”. Shelly rolls her eyes.

Danniele is now outside with Jeff and Jordan the following night, and drunkenly makes a deal with them. She concedes that three weeks ago they were her target, and it “probably was one of the worst moves I’ve made this season…you and you are not my target”. Daniele continues to plead to work together, but says in the diary room that she’s just going to agree with anything they say. The chat goes on to whine about those who have done nothing in the game so far, and they conclude that it doesn’t make sense to go after each other. Jeff now says he’s “leaning” towards evicting Brendon.

Now let’s go to the following day, but before the conversation Rachel had with Porsche. Rachel is now working on Jordan, and Jordan says it all is on Adam. If he doesn’t vote for Brendon, then they’ll have to vote with the house to not piss off the entire house. Yeah, this doesn’t go well. Rachel calls them “cowards” and “sheep” for worrying about the house. “Worst alliance ever!”

Jordan heads inside and informs Jeff of the conversation, and he heads outside to confront them. “Let’s see if they’ll bully me”. Jordan’s speech is basically repeated, and Rachel says “whatever”. This blows up, especially after Jeff complains they have no right to be pissed at him. “Rachel is like dealing with a little kid…and I can’t take it anymore”. He bitches at her about her attitude, and Rachel plays her innocent victim game. Yes, this leads to Rachel’s idiotic “all I do is fight” speech. Unfortunately, we don’t get the second part of this fight, where Jordan complains about Rachel not caring about her “babysitting” her the first time Brendon was evicted.

Julie’s chatter with the house is next, and it starts with Shelly’s phone call from her family. Yeah, it was touching. Jordan is then asked about whether the “humilitard” was worth giving Shelly the phone call, and her obvious response is “yes”. She just wouldn’t feel right not giving it to Shelly, and she does have Jeff. Brendon is then asked why he believes he beat out the other evictees to return, and he babbles ABSOLUTE NONSENSE about how America wants to see somebody who will compete. No, dumbass, it was the Jeff and Jordan crowd who felt it would help THEIR game! Rachel is asked how she’s holding up with Brendon being on the block, and she says she’s going to “hold up” to fight her way to win. Julie then concludes the talk by announcing tonight’s evictee is the first to go to jury.

Fluff piece time, and this week it is all about Shelly. After showing a conversation with Jordan about her family, we get to meet Shelly’s family once again. Yes, she was homecoming queen, and is a great mom. We get it! I must admit that her daughter Josie is adorable, though. The aftermath of the fight with Rachel is shown, and her daughter says she “needs to stop lying and kind of pick a side”. She wants her to stay with Jeff and Jordan. After a tiff with Jeff and Jordan, Shelly’s husband admits that the house is starting to get to her. Haha, I have to laugh at Josie saying, “shut up, Rachel”, after receiving her key in last week’s nomination ceremony. Funny thing is that Josie seems to know the game better than almost everybody else as she concludes that her mom has to get her relationships back in line.

After commercials, Julie is now having her HOH talk with Daniele. Julie starts off by commenting how it looked like both Brendon and Rachel were going to be out of the house, and Daniele says it was “horrible in every way possible” that they are both still around. Daniele says that she always has to go with her heart, but they all felt dumb when Brendon returned. She also claims to be a “logical player” when she put up Adam and Shelly last week, but she needed to guarantee that Brendon would be leaving this week. Julie asks about the Brendon/Rachel deal, and Daniele says that was her “plan B”, and that “technically, I did everything I promised them”. If Brendon remained in the house she would continue to work with them, but instead “the smallest girl evicted the tallest boy twice”.

Final plea time, and it begins with Shelly. Yes, we get the “dignity” speech that we’ve heard all week, and that she “wants to keep playing”. Brendon gives a shout out to UCLA, and brags about working on cancer research. He’s happy to spend another week with the woman of his dreams, and then goes on about how he will probably be the first juror. He says his vote will go to the strongest competitor; “not somebody who rides the coattails and somebody who floats to the end”. His last message is to Daniele, and that “you will always be Judas to me”.

Voting then begins Rachel, who obviously votes to evict Shelly to “go against the house”. Kalia votes to evict Brendon “for good”…and we head to commercials wondering what Jeff and Jordan will do. We return with Adam, who votes to evict Brendon, as does Jeff, Jordan, and Porsche. Brendon is evicted 5-1!

Julie gives the news to the house, and a repeat of his first eviction is shown as he hugs and kisses Rachel. He gives her a pep talk, and heads out. Julie starts the interview by asking if they would have kept their deal with Daniele if she had done the same. He says they both realized it was them against the house, so Julie asks what Rachel’s next move will be. “She’s going to win HOH, and she’s going to shake things up”. If she doesn’t win, she’s going to “ride the middle for as long as she can”.

We go right to the goodbye messages, and it starts with Daniele. She jokes that if he comes back again, “I might have to evict myself”. Kalia repeats her cockiness from the previous eviction, wondering “why America voted you back in this house. The good news is that you’re leaving – BYE…for good!” Jeff says that he wishes it was him that was staying instead of Rachel (interesting) but promises to “look after Rachel for you as much as I can stand her. I hope you leave the instruction manual this time on what do with her because I have no idea”. Obviously, we end with Rachel, who says that she has found her “inner strength” and can do it without him. “I’m going to kick butt and take names. Don’t hate because I’m going to make it farther than you did last season” It pains me to say this, but that was her best speech ever!

We conclude the show by starting the endurance HOH competition. The game is called “All Washed Up”, and one must fill up a cup with soap and haul it across a slippery stage to the other side to dump it into a gumball machine. The first to see their ping pong ball pop out wins. After a couple of minutes, soapy suds are dumped on everybody (or primarily those playing in the middle), which should aid Rachel’s game. Ooooh, Julie announced that next week is double eviction week right before the "rinse cycle" started falling on the players!!!

There we go! No more Brendon! Are you happy with this turn of events? How about the chronological jumps in the opening segments? Isn’t Shelly’s child adorable? Let us know what you think!

Wednesday
Aug172011

Big Brother Season 13, Episode 18 Recap

Another Wednesday, another episode of Big Brother. There’s not a lot to get excited about, as a good percentage of the show will be the veto competition. Besides that and the veto ceremony, I expect nothing more than lots of filler and the usual Brenchel pout/fight/makeup.

Obviously, the show begins with the reactions to Daniele’s (not so) surprising nominations of Shelly and Adam. Shelly whispers to Adam that she’s furious before we hear the weekly “I need to win” speech from Adam. Rachel is obviously ecstatic that her and her man are not nominated, but Shelly isn’t as thrilled. “The fact that I’m on the block right now is the least of my worries”, she claims. “I am so angry at Rachel, and the betrayal and the lies, that I almost can’t even see straight.”

Shelly pulls aside Daniele, and after hearing about how this is a win-win situation from Daniele, they head up to the HOH. Daniele “promises” that she is not her target, and that she really wants Brendon to be evicted. Shelly likes that idea, especially since she’s furious at Rachel for her “lying”. Daniele doesn’t know what she’s talking about, so this story is rehashed once again (along with the footage that shows Rachel wasn’t lying). “I’m done with them. Let’s get them out.” Shelly heads out, and we hear Daniele say “I suck at lying”.

Fluff time, as we now see Brendon and Rachel hugging and kissing. Their goal is to get Shelly evicted. Before we get more footage of them, though, it is now time for another episode of Adam groveling. He asks Daniele if the plan is for him to win veto to put somebody else up, and Daniele says she told Shelly the same thing. “I need Brendon to go home. You need Brendon to go home. We all need Brendon to go home. Rachel is no good without him. If it is them two on the block, she would leave.” In the diary room, Daniele says that anybody who isn’t Kalia or Porsche is expendable to her. “You’re just a pawn in my game”, she says to him. “Pawns go home”, Adam responds.

Rachel heads into the bedroom to talk to Jeff and Jordan, and Shelly then walks in. Note: this footage actually happened BEFORE the veto ceremony. Shelly says that Porsche has said the “three person deal is out”, and Rachel has no idea what she’s talking about. Jordan calls a house meeting, and I suggest that everybody just listen to last week’s episode of The Big Brother Gossip Show as Shelly and Rachel fight over this three-person “deal”…which, by the way, was a hypothetical deal to begin with. The only thing new here is that Jordan says in the diary room that she doesn’t know which of them is lying.

After commercials, we return to more footage of Shelly stewing. It’s actually a few hours later, although CBS wants us to believe it just happened. Shelly is wearing sunglasses to cover her crying eyes, and Jeff tells her that she needs to relax. (Again, listen to our show.) Shelly adds in the diary room that she “hates people who lies!” Um, yeah.

And from that footage we suddenly jump to the veto player selection meeting. Adam says he’s “praying to the metal gods” that Brendon and Rachel don’t get chosen as veto players. Shelly babbles some nonsense about her mom saying you have to get things for yourself, so she’s going to win the veto. Brendon says that the best case scenario would be for both him and Rachel to play, but Daniele pulls out Jordan’s name. Shelly gets Kalia’s name, and Adam pulls out Jeff’s name. Hmmm, neither Brendon and Rachel are playing, and Shelly is loving it! “Enjoy the view. It’s going to be a good one.” Porsche is chosen to be the host.

Before we get to the veto, though, Porsche attempts to enter the HOH. Daniele asks her if she can have five minutes, but was just kidding. They watch Shelly sitting alone in the kitchen, and joke about how Shelly will push the veto in Rachel’s face if she wins. She adds in the diary room that it is turning into a perfect week for her. “This could be a perfect opportunity to backdoor Brendon.”

When we return from yet another commercial break, Porsche leads everybody outside to a farm-themed set. They’ll be using the “cornhole” game they’ve been playing in the backyard, but first we have to hear idiocy from Jordan on how Jeff looks like a boy band member. The object of the game is to have the lowest score, as a direct hit gets one point, but a miss drops it into a rotating wheel with various point scores. The eliminated player then picks a “prize”, one of which is the POV. Players eliminated later get to exchange their prize with an earlier player’s prize.

After we listen to the same spiel from Adam, Shelly, and Jeff on how they HAVE to win (well, Jeff says he doesn’t necessarily have to win), we finally get going. In the first round, Shelly misses the board completely, and Adam is ecstatic. Daniele scores a perfect hit, and Shelly is eliminated. Her prize is the veto, but we know she won’t hold that very long. At least she realizes this fact, unlike in previous seasons.

In the second round, Daniele again scores a perfect shot, and Jordan is eliminated. She pulls out the solitary confinement card, which Jeff says is a good prize. She also gets a phone call from home. Yes, acoustic guitar stuff is now heard, but Jordan reconsiders and gives it to Shelly so she can call her husband. Shelly says she’ll never forget what Jordan did for her, and Jeff also calls her an “angel on earth”. Great, CBS, make those cat ladies happy.

For the third round, Daniele again scores a perfect hit, as does Adam. Kalia is out this round, and she nabs the Caribbean vacation. She doesn’t give it up for anybody’s prize, and Jeff jokes about how she obviously needs a vacation from napping. Brendon and Rachel complain that “there goes our honeymoon”.

At this point, Adam tells Jeff that he really needs the veto, and Jeff is wondering if he should win or not. Adam whispers a question to Daniele about whether Jeff is safe, and after whining about it in the diary room she says she’s willing to throw the competition. For the first time, she misses the target, and Daniele is now out. She pulls out a veto ticket that guarantees that she plays in the next veto competition, and stares down Kalia before deciding to keep it. “A veto ticket is very important in the Big Brother game. Just ask Brendon or Rachel.”

It is now down to Adam versus Jeff, but before it begins Daniele asks Kalia if it is ok to get rid of Brendon. She concurs. Jeff then tosses a 8, and Adam’s falls into the 7 for a victory! “Barely”, adds Daniele. Jeff’s prize is $5,000, and he sticks with the cash. Adam’s prize is the unitard, which he then trades with Jordan for the veto prize. “For all you doubters, I did it! Adam’s the man!” Um, sure, Adam, thanks to Jeff.

Everybody is heading inside after the commercial break, and Rachel asks Brendon in the storage room if she should volunteer to go on the block. “I don’t want to risk you going home”, she whines. Rachel continues to whine, but Brendon tells her to stop (as always). “I just got you back”, she complains. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We’ve heard this all a million times.

Jeff is now upstairs with Daniele, and she says it’s stupid to keep somebody who has already been evicted. “You’re not on my radar”, she tells him. Her worry is that Shelly could go instead of him, and Jeff would prefer that Rachel be put up instead of Brendon. Daniele replies that Rachel is not very good without Brendon. Either way, though, they both agree it will be hell. Jeff says he’ll tell Daniele anything she wants to hear to keep Jordan or him safe. “I swear you’re safe.”

Filler time, as Shelly has to do the solitary confinement bit before getting her phone call. It is all worth it, she says. “I would do anything for Tony and Josie. I would give anything to see them; just to hear their voices is priceless to me.” Yeah, this footage is tedious, although it is funny when she says it is great to not have to look at Brendon or Rachel.

More filler, as Jordan is called in to put on her “humiiitard”. I must admit, though, that her “I’m with stupid” costume is funny. Jeff loves the pigtails, “as cute as a stupid little button”. Adam loves the propellers on her dunce cap. “I’m so glad I’m not wearing that thing.”

Kalia now heads upstairs with some snacks (surprise, surprise), and Daniele fills her in on the plan to evict Brendon. She says she made that deal with him last week only in case they won HOH. “Why the hell would I ever make a deal with them? That’s like making a deal with the devil.” They’re both a little full of themselves as Daniele says her HOH “rocks’.

With the solitary confinement complete (or almost), Shelly breaks down in tears as she gets her phone call from the family. Yes, they love her, watch her, miss her, and while touching, I can deal without it. Cue the acoustic guitars as Shelly tearfully recounts the call. The house then comes to the door claiming she has three more hours, but she is indeed set free.

Just like Sunday’s show, the last segment before the house ceremony is Brendon and Rachel again pleading with Daniele to not backdoor them. Yes, this is the same conversation we’ve seen a few times, with the small exception of Rachel asking if she has a deal with Jeff. She denies it, and when Rachel asks them to put one of them up, she appears to listen. “I’ll think about it.”

For the final segment, Adam and the rest of the crew competently read their cue cards to make it appear that somebody besides Brendon or Rachel are going up. Adam calls everybody into the house, and obviously he uses it on himself. “I worked really hard to win this competition, and I’m really gald to come off the block.” Daniele then stands up, and after babbling about how it is a “game of many twists” and this year’s twist is a zombie who keeps coming back, she puts up Brendon.

Shelly loves being up against Brendon, but knows they’ll do anything to save themselves. “I’m going to be working my butt off to stay in this house.” Brendon says if he stays, he’s coming after her. Daneile says the “only way to get rid of a zombie is to cut off their head. Brendon, you’re head is finally cut off. Now we have to deal with a zombie bride running around this place.” Jeff, of course, is happy that he wasn’t nominated but isn’t happy that either way he’s losing an ally. “It’s a game time decision. I’ll be honest. I don’t know what I’m doing at this point.”

And we’re done. What did you think of this episode? Were you upset with the out of context fight between Shelly and Rachel? How about Daniele’s decision to nominate the “zombie”? Let us know your thoughts!

Sunday
Aug142011

Big Brother Season 13, Episode 17 Recap

After the craziness of Thursday’s eviction show, it is probably safe to say we’re heading back to predictable programming. I guarantee you the first half of the show will be filled with the Brenchel reunion (gross) and Daniele/Kalia moping. After the HOH competition, it will be Brenchel’s turn to mope before an interesting HOH conversation that leads to a surprise set of nominations.

Finally, the show begins after an hour delay due to stupid golf! We kick off with the announcement that Brendon received the most votes, and of course Rachel has to babble about how “perfect” this is. Kalia, however, knows she fucked up. “We should have evicted Rachel so she would have to battle Brendon, and we could have gotten at least one of them is out of the house.” Yes, you did fuck up! No go eat some chips! Daniele repeats similar gibberish.

The end of the competition is then shown, and we get even more screeching Rachel! “I can’t believe this is happening!” Lawon heads out, and Kalia feels bad that she’s the reason he’s left. Ugh, Brendon and Rachel are back on the screen thanking America. No, thank the idiotic cat ladies who had this theory that Brendon would keep their golden boy, Jeff, safe!

At least Jordan is happy, as she doesn’t have to babysit Rachel any longer. Yep, that’s right. Daniele reiterates that the last two weeks have been a complete waste of time. Once again, that’s right. “We’re back to square one.”

Everybody heads inside, and Rachel is excited to see the return of color to Brendon’s picture. Jeff adds in the diary room that now that everybody is back they have a great show at winning HOH. Obvi, their targets will be Kalia, Porsche, and Daniele.

As Porsche makes a sandwich, Jordan and Shelly command the boys to join them in one of the bedrooms. Yes, it’s time to watch everybody jump for joy at Brendon’s return. Shelly calls it a “love circle”, but Adam is a bit reluctant. He says he joins in just to align himself with somebody.

Meanwhile, the other three girls head into another room to cry. “That’s why you go off initial instinct in this house”, says Daniele. Kalia can’t believe that Brendon was voted in over Dominic. Yeah, some of us agree. “Everything I did was for nothing. Absolutely nothing!” Yep, that’s also right. Porsche, who always has a knack for joining the losing side, explains how Daniele and Kalia are now her team.

Talk goes on to Shelly, and how she is the exact opposite of Porsche. “You people were just talking terribly of this guy”, says Daniele, “and now you’re lifting him up on your shoulders and washing his feet. It’s so fake.” Yep, you’re correct once again.

Back to the loving couple. Jordan walks out of the room telling Brendon how she watched over Rachel, and then Rachel turns on the whinefest about how she was treated the past week. She also fills in Brendon on how Shelly was trying to create a final three deal with Jeff and Jordan. Brendon says he’s not going to let her “put a wedge in between my alliance.”

At the same time, Adam is explaining his dilemma. Does he want to be on a big team with lots of strong players who can protect him, or on the other team that is centered around one person? “We have all the numbers”, replies Shelly. “We just have to win this HOH.”

The whinefest continues, and it gets even worse as they hear Brendon scream his idiotic Mario Brothers voice. Kalia hints that she may just walk out, and Daniele tells her to stop because “we’re stuck together. If I leave, you’re screwed, and if you leave, I’m screwed”. They understand that Daniele HAS to win HOH. “If I don’t win, I’m going home”, says Daniele in the diary room.

After a commercial break (thankfully), it’s time for the HOH competition. They head outside to a yard full of displays that represent each of the house guest’s home states. It’s the counting game where they have to guess how many of an object is in each display. Ugh, we know EVERYBODY HAS TO WIN THIS HOH!!!

The first round revolves around Louisiana, and the number of necklaces on a silver tree. The answer is 673, and Rachel is already out with a guess of 1500! Yes, the self-proclaimed “queen of HOH’s” is gone! The second round has to do with Illinois, and the number of pepperonis on two giant pizzas. This time, Jordan goes out…and Daniele starts smiling.

For the third round, it is Porsche’s state and the contest is the number of olives in a giant martini glass. Porsche doesn’t get the connection, and now Brendon is out! Daniele is now getting cocky, as is Kalia! Nevada is up next, and it is the number of playing cards on a table. Jordan says Jeff has to win, but he now goes out!!! The vets are not happy. “We had fun with this one, huh”, whispers Brendon to Jeff.

Now it is Jersey time, and the number of baseballs in two giant gloves. Adam says he has it “in his glove”. Get it? Ugh. Daniele picks the highest total, but she was indeed closest. Shelly is now booted! She says she neglected to multiply her guess by two. What?

Adam is now the vet’s only hope, as she is up against Daniele and Porsche. Unfortunately, we have to wait between commercials. North Carolina is the next round, and the number of rivets in a propeller. Porsche says she was getting dizzy by the spinning propeller, and after hearing Rachel act cocky about having to rely on Adam, he is indeed booted. “Have fun on the sidelines”, says Daniele.

So it is now the final round, and it really doesn’t matter as it is between Daniele and Porsche. California is the final state, and they have to guess the number of gold coins in a chest. Daniele says she still has to win this round, as Rachel is bound to get right back in Porsche’s back pocket if she wins. Sure enough, Daniele pulls it out! “Kalia, my girl, you’re safe for another week…I’m really, really ready to take this house by storm again.”

Rachel couldn’t be more pissed. “I am like freaking out.” Her and Brendon immediately disappear into the have-not room to cry. “It’s good to be in the house for a week”, cracks Brendon. He assumes the two of them will be on the block again this week, but Rachel fills him in on their attempt to make a deal with her the previous week. “We might be able to make her put up Shelly.” Yes, Rachel, we know you’ll do “whatever it takes to make sure Brendon and I are safe.”

While this is going on, the other three girls are dancing around in celebration. Dear Porsche, go go dancing is not your thing. Knock it off! “I want these people scared to death of me!” Rachel interrupts the party, though, and everybody becomes quiet. She congratulates Daniele, and then thanks her for “voting for me. I’m shocked.” Rachel heads back out, and the three have fun making fun of Rachel. Porsche leaves the room, and Daniele tells Kalia that she really likes her and that Shelly is “done”. It all has to do with her changing sides from week to week.

Thanks to storm warnings, I missed a good portion of the next segment, which I’ve been told was filler from a few days ago where Shelly did a fake “job interview” with Jordan. I would have fast-forwarded through this anyway.

Filler finished, Adam now heads up to the HOH knowing that he has to do some damage control. Yep, this tale has been repeated every Sunday this entire season. Daniele asks him what she should do, and he says that if he wins HOH next week then she’s safe. Daniele is not really buying it, though, as she says in the diary room “either you’re with me or against me”.

It is now Shelly’s turn to grovel, and Daniele says that she’s “all over the place”. Shelly asks if she’s frustrated with her, and Daniele opens up about being happy that Brendon returned. “I can’t sit there and be in his face brutal”, she awkwardly replies. She whines that she never knows where she is with them. “Sometimes I feel like I’m not cool like you guys are.” The Jedi mind tricks continue, but Kalia is offended when she is sent packing by Shelly. Yeah, this is a dumb circular argument going on and on about how they like each other. Daniele says she’s “not buying any of this”, however.

Kalia informs Porsche of the snub, and they talk about the numerous lies she’s told. “I’m super happy that people finally see what a piece of shit that she is. Like, the constant lying and everything.” Unfortunately, Shelly heard the entire conversation and wanders into the kitchen a little bit later to confront Porsche.

After heading outside for a smoke, we hear Shelly babbling in the diary room about the impossibility of going “the moral high road in this game”. Um, whatever. Porsche wanders out, and the preaching continues from Shelly. Porsche complains about all the deals that Shelly has made, and she claims they’re not true. Thanks to the investigative archival footage that is then pulled out (and also played on last night’s Big Brother Gossip Show), we see that she indeed made a potential deal with Brendon and Rachel way back on August 3. Shelly must now remember that conversation, though, as she bitches in the diary room that she never had that chat. “I will never let (Rachel) take my class away from me.”

Meanwhile, Brendon and Rachel head upstairs to talk game. Daniel says that they need to come up with a reason to save them, and we hear the usual chatter from Brendon. Somehow, this time it seems to be working…especially when Brendon brings up a final three deal. Rachel actually makes a point when she says that she’d have four people working for her, and that Shelly is trouble. Daniele ends the chat by saying that she “has a lot to think about”, mainly because she knows while it would be a big move it could also be a “stupid game move”.

Nomination time, and everybody perfectly reads their scripts. Daniele does go off the standard camera angles a bit, though, as she appears to be truly troubled by the decision. Everybody is finally called in, and Shelly whines to Jordan about Rachel before everybody else sits down. “You know how all the information is getting passed on? Rachel!”

Kalia’s key is the first pulled, followed by Porsche, Jordan, “Jeffrey”, Rachel, and Brendon. Shelly and Adam are nominated! Daniele acknowledges that everybody probably doesn’t understand their nominations, and she says that after the travesty of the last two weeks she “make sure that what I need to happen happens”.

Shelly is furious, but it is not against Daniele. It is still against Rachel. “I can’t even believe what comes out of her mouth.” Adam chatters silliness, and Daniele says she believes she’s in a “very good spot”. If she wins veto, though, she may use it to put up Brendon.

So that’s it. What did you think of this week’s episode? Are you a bit more clear about Shelly’s hatred of Porsche and Rachel? Are you disappointed that the house meeting wasn’t shown? Let us know your thoughts. 

Thursday
Aug112011

Big Brother Season 13, Episode 16 Recap

Generally, I have a pretty good idea on the main events of every episode. Besides viewing the feeds, the template for Big Brother broadcasts rarely change. I know A will be followed by B, with a small possibility of C being cut out to get to D. This format rarely changes.

Well, tonight I’m almost clueless. Sure, I have some ideas on what we’re going to be shown, but for the most part it is a clean slate (just like the brains of most of the Big Brother house). I know that the person that is evicted will get a chance to compete to immediately return, but I have no idea how this is all going to work out. I’m almost excited!

Almost is the key word, though, as it is very unlikely that the person I want to leave will be evicted, and it is also likely that the person I don’t want to see return will indeed be the lucky one. I almost have to pray for a Buster Douglass-ish upset, and unfortunately I don’t see any lucky punches coming from one of the most clueless contestants in reality show history.

Once Julie explained that Lawon is incorrect in his assumption that the returning player has a special power, we get the show off with reactions to Jeff’s use of the veto. Rachel can’t believe that Lawon was put up, and says she doesn’t think Lawon even knows he’s in the Big Brother house. “This is a miracle!”

Lawon screams that he “loves” being on the block, and somehow believes he has a “99% shot of coming back to the game with super powers”. Oh, you deluded man. “So take note, America. Lawon made the boldest move that anyone could do in the Big Brother house.” No, you made the stupidest move!

Jeff is also surprised, thinking that she is either “very intelligent” (nope), or “she’s so stupid to put the numbers even more in our favor. My vote is she’s really stupid” (yep). Kalia explains that this is probably not the best week to kick out Rachel, and she needs to put up someone “who won’t be gunning for me”.

Lawon is now sitting in the kitchen, complaining about being put up. “I’m putting on my acting skills right now. I want everybody to believe this is not planned…Big Brother get ready for the performance of a lifetime.” Yeah, we’ll be waiting…and waiting. Shelly plays along, even though she knows the whole plan. She gives a second glance when Lawon says he would never volunteer.

Lawon now heads outside, and Shelly follows him saying he should be “fired up”. Lawon continues to act, but Shelly knows he’s lying by the way he’s talking. She asks him if he volunteered, and adds that she knows he’d never lie. “Something doesn’t make sense.” He says that he’s going to figure it out before he walks out the door, which is another red flag for interrogator Shelly! “Rachel is not going to persuade anybody. This whole thing is wack-a-doodle.” She says she’s going to get to the bottom of it.

Shelly heads right up to the HOH to ask Kalia if he volunteered. Kalia immediately says that he indeed did volunteer (why would you tell her that?). Jeff and Jordan are also talking about Lawon, and Shelly comes in to spill the beans about Lawon’s act. “I got some questions. I hate actors.”

Lawon then walks in, and starts bitching that she should have told him. He then walks out, and Shelly makes fun of his acting skills. Jeff really doesn’t care, though, as he and Jordan are safe.

After listening to her usual garbage about having to save herself, we then see Rachel heading into the HOH to talk to Daniele and Kalia. Yeah, this is the same type of crap we have seen a hundred times. Rachel says she has two votes, and just needs to find one more. Kalia replies that she has the vote to keep or evict Rachel, and they talk deal. “I need to know that I’m not going to get screwed”, says Daniele. Rachel laughs in the diary room afterwards, promising they’re “going to feel the wrath of Rachel”.

Meeting adjourned, Rachel heads into the have-not room to report to Jordan her version of what happened upstairs. She denies setting up a deal with them, and after Shelly walks in the story is repeated. Shelly advises them to not listen to them, and that they’re playing her. Shelly advises her to not talk to them again. “We’ll vote you out if you go up there again.”

Shelly’s work is not done, though, as she now has a discussion about Lawon with Daniele. She denies having any knowledge about the setup, and says she’s confused as to which “crazy” she should evict. Shelly then tells a slightly truthful story about the aftermath of Rachel’s meeting with Daniele and Kalia. “I honestly thought by the way she was acting that you guys had made up and she had made a deal with y’all.” Daniele is pissed! “This is unbelievable to me.”

And we’re back to where we started, with Daniele reporting Shelly’s story to Kalia. Yes, we’re supposed to believe that there is some suspense as to who is being evicted. Kalia doesn’t quite buy the story, though, and wonders if it is better to just boot Rachel and “take our chances”. Yeah, right.

After the first commercial break, it is time for Julie to talk to the house. She asks Daniele if the twist has affected how she plays the game, and she sort of acknowledges that it has but at the same denies it. Shelly is then asked about the crying in the house, and she replies gibberish garbage. Jordan is next, and it is still about the tears. She recaps the have-not competition, and says she was a “ball of fire” this week and “pretty gripe-y”. Jeff is asked if the game gets harder or easier as it goes on, and he says that it’s harder. He thinks that this time he’s been better controlling his emotions. Oh really?

Oh boy, it is time to hear from last year’s house guests about their thoughts about Rachel. It begins with Rachel, and anybody who follows him on twitter know that they had made up after the completion of their season. “Believe it or not, I’m going to be in Rachel’s wedding party.”

Matt then shows up at Ragan’s house, and they sit and watch some footage from this year. Matt jokes about Rachel’s lack of tears (haven’t we all), and we then see Brendon being evicted. Ragan calls Rachel’s breakdown “cry-bernating”. Hmmm. He says that she doesn’t know what it is like to play the game without Brendon. Ok, as much as I love Ragan and Matt, I’m now getting bored with this.

Wow, they’re actually making time to talk to Kalia. Julie begins by asking what her biggest challenge was this week, and Kalia says that it was the twist and how it made her rethink getting out Rachel. Ugh, Kalia still believes she’s a tough player. Julie also asks about making up with Jeff and Jordan, and she babbles about believing they were her friends, and that she missed their friendship. Yeah, that’s your downfall.

We return to the living room for final pleas, and we begin with Rachel. She thanks her family, and misses Brendon. She thanks everybody in the house, and reminds them one more time about the twist. Lawon lets out a squeal, and says it has been a “great summer for me”. He says he won’t say anything about spineless jelly fish, as he loves everybody. “Do the best thing that’s good for you.”

The voting begins with Jordan, who obviously votes against Lawon, as does Jeff before we go to a commercial break. Once we return, voting continues with Porsche, who continues the anti-Lawon sentiment, as does Daniele (who says she knows she will regret it), Shelly, and Adam. It’s unanimous!

Julie delivers the news, and before he gets to the door Julie stops him. She tells Lawon that he does have a chance to return to the house, but he will be battling his way back. She lets on that the other four evictees have been sequestered, and Rachel’s mouth literally drops! Seriously, literally drops! Lawon will now battle against the America’s Choice winner to return.

We then get the four evictees on cam, and Keith is asked if there are any surprises by his company. He says that seeing Brendon is a major shock, and Cassi feels the same. She had a feeling that Dom may have been evicted. Dom says he’ll “offer my first born child” to return. Brendon repeats how he “gave up his game for Rachel”, and he would love to return. Julie says that Lawon was just evicted, and now it’s Brendon’s turn to drop his jaw…but obviously not as far as Rachel.

Unfortunately, we have to sit through one more commercial break before we find out who America chose. God, I hope it’s not Brendon…and in a close vote it was Brendon! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! This season sucks!

Brendon and Lawon take their places at the buzzes, and the competition is called “That’s How We Roll”. Balls are dropped with the houseguests named, and the first person who gets the entire set of house guests in the baskets wins. Yeah, this doesn’t look good for Lawon.

As soon as it commences, we have to hear the screaming from Rachel. Brendon is the first to score a basket, and his lead continues to increase. Jordan is now holding her ears as she has to endure Rachel’s screeching. Brendon is up 7-4 with a just under two minutes left, and Brendon’s lead continues to increase. It is 12-6 with one minute left, and Brendon eventually completes the competition. Yes, Brendon is back, and obviously Rachel straddles him.

This is not good news for me, my friends, or America. Thanks, Kalia, for the worst HOH week in history. Thanks, Lawon, for making the dumbest move in Big Brother history. What are your thoughts on the twist? Or Brendon’s return? Or anything else for that matter? Let me know. Somebody has to cheer me up!

Wednesday
Aug102011

Big Brother Season 13, Episode 15 Recap

Tonight’s episode may as well be titled “Stuck on Stupid”, as almost this entire hour is going to consist of dumb people doing and saying dumb things. The first few segments will continue to feature that red-headed banshee screaming for her feeeee-awwwn-say, as if she’s the only person to ever be separated from their boyfriend.

We’ve seen enough of this act the past two seasons, however, so it’s the second half that’s noteworthy. Seriously, the two most idiotic decision in Big Brother history (and I’m not exaggerating with that claim) should be shown tonight (unless there is some selective editing on one person’s behalf).

How will this happen? Let’s just say that these people’s moronic thought processes are trumped by a chain-smokin’, Bush-lovin’, catchphrase babblin’ person of questionable gender. You’re going to marvel as she takes less than a few minutes to infiltrate Kalia’s clean slate of a brain. The next time the Republicans have the White House, their first move should be to hire this person to head the CIA. She’s that good, or is the rest of the house that bad? That’s a tough question.

So let’s get moving with the clichéd responses to Kalia’s nominations of Jeff and Rachel, along with Rachel’s silly actions against Daniele. As we see her follow Daniele away from the nomination table, Shelly grabs her and tells her to calm down. Rachel complains in the diary room that Kalia is “reciting a script that Daniele has given her”. Kalia denies it, saying that she’s on the block because she’s “immature, catty, and ridiculous, and your behavior after the nomination ceremony is example A”. Hmmm, how quickly people forget, though.

Oh, we almost forgot about Jeff, who is also pissed that she put up two great competitors, and the one evicted may come back. Daniele, of course, is still cocky about the situation. “If Kalia is going to put blood on her hands, then I’m going to the bathroom to wash mine.”

Meanwhile, Shelly is still trying to calm Rachel down. She pulls her into the purple room, and says she’s worried that she may do something that will cause her to be kicked out. “I don’t care”, responds Rachel. “I’m going home. What does it matter?” Shelly continues to plead with her, and Rachel complains that Daniele has turned everybody against her. Shelly throws out the magic words, though. “Brendon doesn’t want to see you that way, Rachel.” Uh oh. Yeah, you know the words that come out of Rachel’s mouth after this.

The discussion concludes with Rachel saying she doesn’t want to stay in the house, and storms off. She heads into the have-not room and starts packing. “This isn’t worth money”, she whines to Jordan. “I’m so tired of everyone acting like I’m such a bad person. Daniele tore up Brendon and I, and she did it on purpose to hurt my feelings.” Jordan unpacks the stuff that Rachel has packed as she continues on about losing Brendon. Clench those eyes tighter, Rachel, so we can see a tear or two.

Jordan continues to attempt to cheer up Rachel, and in the diary room says its “tough work”. Yeah, I bet. Yet CBS continues to plague us with this footage as Rachel continues on and on about how she can’t survive without her Brennon. Please, poke my eyes and ears out immediately!

The camera now switches to the next bedroom, and Daniele and Porsche laugh at what they’re hearing. Yeah, this is also worthless, as Daniele says she suddenly likes that rarely-seen bimbo.

Daniele is now upstairs in the HOH, and Kalia now has tears in her eyes. Being a player instead of a floater is hard work, she says. Yet Kalia believes she can win. “I want to leave here knowing I left on my own doing; knowing that I came here to play.” They see everybody talking in the kitchen, and so she puts her head up against the door to hear Jeff talking about being players and not followers. Yeah, this doesn’t help Kalia’s mood, and she begins wailing. This is just terrible TV, although she does set the stage for her upcoming idiocy by saying in the diary room that she wants to do “anything” to get Jeff off her back.

After the commercial break, it is time to pick veto players. Jeff doesn’t want Daniele to play, and he promises to win. Rachel, of course, also says she HAS to win because she’s playing alone. Kalia pulls out Adam’s name, Jeff gets Shelly, and Rachel gets house guest choice. She picks Jordan. The host is Porsche.

Before we get to the competition, Shelly pulls Jordan and Jeff into the bedroom for a pep talk. Jordan asks if she’s “with us solid”. Shelly can’t believe what she’s hearing, and says she’s “never gone off the page once” before storming out of the room. Jordan starts crying, and Jeff says he “can’t take it anymore”. Yes, this is the token Jeff and Jordan cuteness for this episode.

Knowing he has to do some “damage control”, Jeff heads into another room to talk to Shelly. We get some silly story about how from the very beginning she has done everything to ensure Jeff and Jordan make it to the end. After a minute or so, Shelly is smiling again.

It’s now comp time, and for some reason we have to endure Jordan describing the competition. Rachel says she knows how the game works, but refuses to tell Shelly because “the entire house is against me”. Yes, Rachel, we know. The game has a Greek theme, and they have to roll a ball up a ramp and run around to catch it. Any ball that hits the ground causes a reset. The first one to get to 300 balls wins.

After listening to everybody once again claim they need to win, the contest finally begins. Oh yeah, we have to listen to another explanation of the rules from Adam. Jordan is having problems, of course, and Rachel’s plan is to win using “speed and accuracy”. Of course, this means we get to see her drop the ball multiple times, which makes Daniele laugh.

Surprisingly, Adam is slightly in the lead over Jeff, which means we get a “ball” joke from Jordan. Stupid Kalia notices, and decides to “take a break”. Shelly also drops her ball, and seeing she’s way behind Adam and Jeff also decides she’s out of the running. Kalia begins rooting for Jeff, which pisses off Daniele. Adam is in the lead near the 300 mark, and gets cocky in the diary room before we head to commercials.

When we return, Adam is tied with Jeff at 290. Jeff finally pulls ahead at 202, and goes on to win by two points. While Jeff celebrates, Rachel is once again pissed off. Kalia is obviously also happy, but doesn’t want to make any more enemies in the house.

Everybody heads inside, and we get the second Rachel pity party. Yeah, you know the script. Jeff comes in, and says that if Porsche becomes the replacement nominee she’ll be saved. Jeff acknowledges that she’s a bigger baby than his young niece, but it is in his best interest if Rachel stays. Jordan, though, thinks that she will be the nominee, and this will mean “war”.

The two head up to the HOH, and Kalia reiterates that she never wanted Jeff to go home. Her goal has been to target Rachel the entire time, but Jeff doesn’t want to hear it. “Personally, it was a stupid game move. If Rachel had won, then I would have gone home.” He asks if the risk was worth her reward, and Kalia responds that she never thought Jeff would be THAT pissed. He still claims that he will be going against her, but Kalia hopes that Jeff will settle down by NOT putting up Jordan as the replacement. Jeff says he’s “not buying it”.

Ok, here’s the point where, CBS editing crews willing, we see the game move of the year. Before we get to that, however, we have to endure Adam shaving off his beard. Really? The best segment of the year, and it is being cut down for more Adam nonsense?

Before we get to Shelly, we see Rachel babbling to Kalia about joining her side. Again, this is like every single one of Rachel’s previous pleas to those who nominate her – pleads, promises, and a little bit of threats. Yet CBS makes it look like Kalia is actually considering the move. No, that comes later.

Daniele now enters the HOH, and Kalia informs her about the possibility of keeping Rachel. Wait, what? We’re not getting the Shelly segment??? Obviously, Daniele is pissed! And so are the viewers who saw how this actually happened on the live feeds!!!

Now Porsche and Lawon are in the HOH with Daniele and Kalia, and Lawon volunteers to be put up!!! “I’ll come back and be like, ok, oh well, let’s play this game.” The rest of the room can’t believe their ears! He adds in the diary room that he believes he’d come back “with some special powers. We’re going to sail to the top. How you like me now?” I hope those powers include brains, my friend. Daniele thinks this is a win-win for her, as she can possibly make a deal with Rachel. Even Kalia thinks he’s “out of his mind”. Once he leaves, Daniele and Kalia laugh about the situation. You shouldn’t laugh too loud, because you did get played by footage CBS decided not to show us. Motherfuckers!

It is now veto ceremony time, and I can barely continue writing in my rage. In fact, I’m not even going to watch. Viewers undoubtedly heard the standard lines about not wanting to be on the block (besides Lawon), and Jeff used the veto on himself. Lawon is the new nominee, and everybody is laughing behind his back. Nice work, CBS. Besides a house full of morons, you refuse to let us view what really went down this week.

So what are your thoughts? Are you as pissed as me? Is Lawon the biggest moron in the BB history? Or is it chicken-shit Kalia? And who wants to bet that Brendon is the person who returns tomorrow? Let me know your thoughts.

Sunday
Aug072011

Big Brother Season 13, Episode 14 Recap

“Brennnnnn-nonnnnnnnn!”

“Brennnnnn-nonnnnnnnn!”

This word, and very few others, will be uttered over and over tonight, as Big Brother will once again be the Rachel story. We’ll hear over and over how the banshee just cannot be without her soul mate, and how she’s going to wreck havoc on the house in revenge. Will she succeed? The answer is the only reason that kept many of us watching the feeds the past three days.

There’s no waiting as we start right off with the eviction of Brendon. Jordan is glad she’s safe, but she says she feels bad because it was because of Brendon and Rachel that she is still in the house. Daniele is cocky, as always, and she wants to send Rachel out the door next.

You all know Rachel’s reaction. “Daniele got rid of Brendon to make me hurt. Daniele started a war, and if I have to run through mud and take ten weeks of slop, I’ll do anything possible to make sure she goes home.” We then see her race off crying after Brendon’s departure, and Jeff complains that with another veteran gone then there’s a target on his back.

Shelly gives Rachel a hug as we hear tonight’s cameo from Lawon. “It’s time for somebody strong in this game to GET OUT! Now it’s time for the new kids on the block to show these veterans we are here to play.” Um, why don’t you do something then.

We jump ahead to Kalia’s HOH win, with a quick shot of a sad Rachel. Yes, Kalia is happy, as she screams in the diary room. She apparently showed Daniele that she is indeed as strong as her. Um, ok. Daniele adds that she “is proud of my little protégé…I’m definitely not sad that I turned on my old alliance.”

Great camera work is shown as Daniele frowning at Jeff consoling Rachel, who says Kalia is the worst person to win HOH this week. “She’s Daniele number one buddy – the same people that took out Brendon, and laughed about it and were mean to us all summer.” Pot, meet kettle. She knows she’s being nominated.

But Jeff is also not happy with Kalia’s win, and he’s mad that Porsche put him and Shelly up together in the game. Porsche approaches Jeff and apologizes, saying that she got really nervous and was sorry. Jeff blows her up, but Porsche says it was an honest mistake, although it helps her in the long run. The segment ends with Rachel whining, “I wanted to do it for Brendon”.

Everybody heads inside, and Kalia goes into the storage room to celebrate. “I told you”, she yells at the camera. “Nobody in this game better say that I’m not good at this game, and I don’t deserve to be here. Nobody.”

Cue the sad music, as Rachel is now crying in the have-not room. At the same time, Kalia is celebrating with everybody else, and Porsche fills her in on Jeff’s treatment of her after the competition. Porsche leaves, and Daniele and Kalia celebrate because they’re “risk takers”.

Meanwhile, Rachel is still bawling. Porsche comes in to console her, and Rachel thanks her for being her friend. Jordan joins them, and she reminds them that whoever is voted out does have a chance to return. After a bit, Porsche leaves the room and Jordan jumps right in with calling her a traitor. Jeff joins them, and the twist talk continues. Jeff tells her not to worry if she is nominated, and Rachel claims “the pity party is over”. No, it wasn’t for those watching the feeds. Jeff encourages her to stir it up.

Time for my least favorite segment of the week – the unveiling of the HOH room. Yes, there’s a giant bag of food, and pictures of the family. Kalia cries, and everybody acts interested. Zzzzzzzzzzz!

Kalia and Daniele are now talking in the HOH, but for a change it is Daniele that is eating. Daniele trains her on how to talk to everybody…basically just say “mmm hmmm mmm hmmm”. On cue, Rachel knocks on the door. Awwwwwwkward! Rachel whines about missing Brendon, and then asks Daniele to leave. “Obviously, we’re not best friends.” Rachel claims that she’s proud of Kalia, and that she respects her. She gives the standard offer of not nominating her next week if she’s not on the block this week. The word “respect” is said at least ten times, and after telling Rachel that she has no idea what she’s going to do, Kalia claims in the diary room that she may consider Rachel’s offer. Surrrrrre! As Rachel walks out, Kalia says to herself, “oh humble pie tastes so good, doesn’t it home girl?”

Time for filler, as Shelly asks Kalia a bunch of questions about her life. No need to recap, as it’s truly filler. Kalia babbles and babbles, and Shelly nods her head.

This is followed by more filler, as Adam gets rid of his elf suit. Unfortunately, we have to endure  him doing a strip tease. Yes, Adam, anything for TV time. Ugh!

Back to game shit…or is it? Kalia is snoring outside, and Shelly decides to surprise her by crawling under the hammock. Um, this is old footage…and not terribly exciting.

Ok, not it really is back to game stuff, as Daniele and her best friend are again talking about nominations. Kalia wants to put up Jeff and Rachel, but they know how they’ll react. The decision is made to tell Jeff that he’s being put up only to “fight for that veto”. Kalia says that she’s also going to play the “emotional card”, but Daniele warns that it may not work.

It’s now have-not competition time, as everybody walks out to the “Big Brother lounge”. Adam and Lawon both promise to be great at this competition (oh yeah?), and Kalia describes how a blended drink is created and the teams have to guess the ingredients. Another segment not worth recapping, except that the Have-nots this week are Jeff, Jordan, Rachel, and Shelly. Oh yeah, and Jeff and Jordan are now pissed at Shelly for screwing up. One more thing – CBS has to insert touching footage of Jeff and Jordan for the cat ladies.

Everybody heads in to find out that this week’s food is catfish and coconuts. Doesn’t sound that bad to me. Jordan is still pissed, as she hates fish and doesn’t know that you can eat coconuts. Silly girl.

It’s now time for a Jordan pity party, and Jeff comes into console her. I guess Jeff and Jordan are now officially the Rachel and Brendon of the game, as Jordan changes gears to bitch about Porsche.  “Everybody else benefits from us.” Hmmmm. Yep, they’re officially the new Brendon and Rachel, as Jordan breaks down again in the diary room while complaining about floaters.

After commercials, Kalia summons Shelly upstairs for a chat. She says that she feels she knows Shelly very well “personally, but I’m still so unsure on who she’s playing with…if anybody”. Kalia offers to add her to the Daniele/Kalia clique, and Shelly, as always, plays it right back. She wants to play with them, and promises to not put them up next week. You know, the same thing she tells everybody. But Shelly goes a step further, asking if she could see the three of them going to the finals together. In the diary room, Shelly admits that she has no intentions of doing this (mainly due to her love of Jeff and Jordan), but she’d be “remiss not to make sure that I have things on the other side”.

Oh wait, a second Lawon appearance on the show? Not for long, though, as Kalia kicks him and Daniele out as Jeff and Jordan come into the HOH. Kalia lays out the plan she talked about earlier in the show, but Jeff and Jordan are not happy with the plan to put up Jeff for the sole purpose of playing in the veto. Jeff says that if Rachel wins, then he’ll go home. Jordan reminds her of the twist that may bring a person back, and Jordan goes off on the floater shit once again. (For more details of this exchange, tune in to the latest episode of The Big Brother Gossip Show.)

Jordan storms out yelling about dead weight in the house, and Jeff repeats everything that has already been said. “Know that when I take myself off, you’re my number one target…and if I get voted out, know that I’ll come back only to take you out.” After more floater talk (and whining about doing Daniele’s work), Jeff also storms out. Kalia bawls in the diary room, but thankfully it’s not that guttural wail that we heard on the feeds.

It is now nomination time, and you know the drill. Kalia stares at the wall of pictures, and we see her insert keys. Meanwhile, she and those possibly on the block babble scripted nonsense. At least the ceremony is entertaining, as Rachel cozies up next to Daniele. When Daniele shifts to the side a bit, so does Rachel. “Is this serious? Does she have to be sitting on my lap and touching my foot?”

Adam’s key is the first pulled, followed by Porsche, Daniele, and Jordan. For some reason, Jordan then says that “my key should have been left out of here, because I know if one of them or somebody wins the veto this week, I’m going to be the replacement nominee.” She then pulls Lawon’s key, which is followed by Shelly. Yes, Rachel and Jeff are nominated.

Kalia stands up and says the “last week has been hell for a lot of reasons. The cattiness; the talking behind people’s backs. In the end, the people upstairs you pointed to in those pictures? They taught me to be a strong person and to make the decisions that are best to me. And they would never, ever want me to lay down and let somebody make a decision for me. That’s for everyone in the house who thinks I’m making someone else’s decision. (Snickers are heard.) I’m making my own.”

As they walk away from the table, Rachel continues her follow game with Daniele. “Hey, Daniele. How are you doing.”

“Gosh, you’re such an idiot. Unbelievable.”

“Do you want to talk?”

“No, I don’t even want to look at you.”

The show ends with Daniele saying this is a good week for her, regardless of whether Jeff or Rachel go home. Jeff obviously disagrees, again bringing up the twist and Daniele controlling her. “Guess who we’re coming for? You, big Kalia.” Oh snap! Kalia says that Jeff’s HOH room antics weren’t the best way to stay off the block. Of course, the last words go to Rachel, who blabbers on about fighting “tooth and nail” to “take her down”.

With that, we’re done. I must admit that outside of the filler and Have-not stuff, this wasn’t such a bad issue. The Rachel stuff was kept to a minimum, and the HOH meeting was much more entertaining than usual. What did you think? Did you laugh at Rachel’s childish antics with Daniele? Are you tired of Jeff and Jordan? And where was Porsche tonight, outside of pissing off Jeff and Jordan in the HOH comp? Let me know your thoughts!

Thursday
Aug042011

Big Brother Season 13, Episode 13

A big disclaimer for tonight’s show – what you may see tonight is complete bullshit. Well, at least in the first couple of segments. As stated in a previous post, the past 36 hours has been nothing but Brenchel drama. The world has conspired against the red-headed she-devil and her “genius” (I prefer “special”) boyfriend, and she had been once again talking about walking off the show (which she won’t do).

Instead of these more realistic (and typical) views of Rachel, it is my prediction that the first two segments are going to be filler consisting of the fake wedding they put on for the Showtime cameras a couple of nights ago. There will also be just enough footage of them conspiring with the likes of Shelly to make the world think that Brendon indeed has a shot to survive another week.

So let’s start off with the reactions to what Brendon believes is a shocking turn of events – his use of the veto to save Rachel instead of himself. Yawwwwwwn. Oh Julie, Brendon’s move doesn’t mean “chivalry is not dead”. Brendon is oh so proud of himself as he talks about making sacrifices for “the girl I love”. Excuse me while I gag. Daniele is ecstatic as “all of my Big Brother dreams are coming true”.

Jeff isn’t surprised that Jordan was put up as she’s a safer bet than if he had been put up. Jordan agrees, but she hopes that people will tell her if she’s going home…only because she bought “an eviction dress”. Oh Lord. Rachel, of course, is still crying because they’re “the most dynamic duo”. Please, I just ate dinner!

Rachel runs off into the have-not room crying, but Brendon is all smiles. He is so proud of himself, and wants reassurance that it was such a bold move. “If nothing else, at least I went out with a bang”. Come on, CBS, we don’t need the romantic guitar music.

With that segment thankfully over, Shelly runs into Jeff and Jordan and says she doesn’t get it. She questions whether this was something they had always planned. In the diary room, Jeff says he doesn’t know how he’s going to deal with her without Brendon. “When every piece of fruit and vegetable she looks at reminds her of Brendon, I’m going to rip my hair out”.

Meanwhile, Kalia is running her mouth off with Daniele (a recurring move all week). They’re both happy, and Daniele says that she can beat Rachel easier than Brendon. She does acknowledge that if he somehow stays, she’s in deep shit. She goes over the votes, and says she has to ensure that the noobs vote her way.

Back to Brendon and Rachel, and they’re having a similar conversation. They have to get some noob votes, and Porsche is the first they chatter with. Rachel says they’ll never get rid of Porsche, who points out that Jeff doesn’t seem to upset that Jordan is nominated. Porsche says she is indeed voting for Jordan to leave because she doesn’t want to upset Rachel. Oh yeah, that’s a good reason.

Adam is next, and Rachel says that if he keeps Brendon they’ll keep him safe “the rest of the summer”. Hmmm, how many people can she promise that to? Rachel badmouths Daniele, but Adam is hesitant. Shelly has joined the group, and she indicates that she’s voting to keep Brendon. In the diary room, she goes on about how she has to make the best move for her. Adam, though, continues to not give an answer.

Daniele now sits down next to Adam and asks if they’re “still good”. She’s noticed that Brendon and Rachel are “happy all of a sudden”. Adam claims in the diary room that he still doesn’t know how he’s voting, and tells Daniele that he’s open to reasoning from both sides. “I make my own decisions.” Sure you do.

Back to Kalia and Daniele in the HOH, and they’re laughing about Rachel. Since she’s in the diary room, they call up Porsche to see if they can get her vote. Kalia leaves, and Daniele says she has a better chance if Brendon leaves. “They will lie to every single person to get what they want. They will literally try to sell their first child.”

Suddenly, Rachel walks in and she’s obviously pissed that Porsche is in the room. After whining a bit, she bolts right back out. “The thought of Porsche switching sides and voting out Brendon, and hanging out with Daniele, drives me insane. Why doesn’t she just take a knife right now and gut me?”

Still steaming outside, Porsche tells her that she needs to “stop with the sad thing”. Rachel asks if she’s still on their side, and Porsche says that she is. Brendon comes out and Porsche continues to tell her that she needs to mellow out…and of course, this means Rachel has to storm off. Brendon barks at Porsche for bringing up the topic, and Rachel starts screaming that “obviously, nobody is going to vote for us”.  Porsche wanders off, saying “I can’t help you now, girl”.

Rachel is now on the hammock, and Brendon follows her. “Nobody cares in this game about anybody but themselves”, she whines. She continues screaming, so Brendon chastises her. “I left you in this game so you can play, but you’re screwing yourself by doing this.” He asks if it was a mistake to save her, and she not only agrees but adds that he made a mistake “by asking me to marry you”. Oh yeah, this goes on and on…and moves on to how she can’t get a job and is crazy. Yeah, that’s about right. Ugh, cure the romantic music again as they kiss and make up.

Thankfully, the segment is over and we don’t even have to endure their fake wedding…yet. It’s time for Julie’s questions, and she starts with Adam’s elf costume. Yeah, it’s not worth recapping, except he mentions Dio’s first band, Elf. Oh yeah, and he dances (again). Moving on to Rachel, she asks about Brendon saving her instead of himself. Yes, we get it. You “love” each other. Jeff is then asked about his feelings about the possibility of Jordan leaving before him, and he talks about how he’s never spent a minute in the house without Jordan. And that’s it…with no stupid wedding talk!

Oooh, and now we get an interview with Evel Dick. After a clip of Rachel, Brendon, and Shelly talking about how different the game would have been with him, he claims that he would have never let Daniele play such a stupid game. He says they were “one of the best alliances in Big Brother history”, and we see clips from season eight. He says that she “is trying to come out of the shadow I cast on her in season eight so desperately. She’s playing so hard so fast has been terrible.” He talks about the stupidity of laying in bed with Dominic, which put a big target on him. Clips are shown that indicate the similarities between her and Dom with her and Nick in season eight.

He adds that targeting Jeff last week was a big mistake, as she was “in the best position in that house”. She should have waited until week eight to break up the couples, he adds. Although she has a lot of ground to make up, she is a great competitor so she still has a shot at winning.

In a move guaranteed to anger Rachel, Julie then interviews a barefoot Daniele. Julie starts by asking about targeting Jeff, and Daniele says her only regret was going after him too soon. She is then asked about what her father thinks of her gameplay, and she thinks he’ll criticize her but also back her up. Rachel is then brought up, and whether they can mend fences. “Absolutely not, but not on my account. She feels that I’m splitting up a marriage, not a couple in the house. That’s her problem in this game. She’s only going to play personal, and attack people on a personal level…the rest of her game is going to be to get me out of this house (and probably kill me after the game).” That’s a great answer!

Ok, so it’s final plea time. This should be interesting. Brendon is up first, and after saying he misses his (and Rachel’s) family, he doesn’t drop the bomb like I thought he would. He just gives her a pep talk, and tears up. Jordan is next up, and she just babbles goobleygoop.

Voting begins with Jeff, who votes to evict Brendon. A tearful Rachel obviously votes to evict Jordan. And we go to commercials with the vote tied at one. Silliness. Kalia is voting when we return, and she votes to evict Brendon, as does Adam. Porsche votes against Jordan, though, but Lawon and Shelly both vote against Brendon. Guess who is evicted???

Julie gives the news, and Brendon plays the nice guy as he claps everybody’s hands. He embraces Rachel for the entire time, and picks her up and twirls her. “Win HOH for me.” Oh boy.

The interview with Brendon commences with saving himself over Rachel, and he says that “love is a crazy thing”. Enough with this bullshit! Julie presses by asking if they believed she could go farther than him, but he says he’d have a “little bit better chance of staying longer”. Daniele is brought up, and we know his opinion of her. “I think she’s still living in her dad’s shadow.” He thinks she’ll make it for a few more weeks, and Rachel will be gunning for her.

Final goodbyes start with Kalia, who is a bit full of herself as she says how much she’s happy he’s gone. “I genuinely have no clue why you’re so arrogant. There are a lot of things easier than rocket science. Apparently, getting you out of this house is one of them.” Not smart, girlfriend. Jordan talks about wanting an invitation to their wedding. Daniele is up next, and says nothing intelligent. Speaking of no smarts, Rachel finishes the segment by crying about how “at least our babies will see our love story on DVD.” Kill me now! Julie finishes by noting that this will be the longest time they’ve been apart since meeting, and Brendon says they’ll make it ok. Hmmm, keep Skype away from him.

Before the commercial break, though, Julie announces the new twist to the house. Hey Adam, enough of the jig! She informs them that the next houseguest evicted has a chance to return to the game. Not adding any more info, she then tells us how the four original evictees will be competing against next week’s evictee to return to the game. We get to vote on which of the four will be in this competition. Vote Cassi!!!

Finally, it is HOH time, and it’s called “Checkmate”. It’s a “face off” game, where two at a time go up to answer questions about the first three evictees. Jordan and Kalia are first up, and Kalia correctly chooses Dominic. Rachel and Lawon are up next, and this time Rachel is correct. Kalia and Adam are now up, and Adam is now out. Rachel and Porsche are now up, and Rachel yells out an expletive as she screws up her answer. Jeff and Shelly are now up, and Shelly is correct this time. Kali and Porsche come up, and Kalia is once again correct. She’s now up against Shelly for HOH, and Kalia is the new HOH!!! Rachel is not going to be happy about this!!!

We’re through for this week’s episode. What did you think of the editing? Are you happy Brendon is gone? What about Kalia’s surprise HOH victory? Please comment and let us know your thoughts.

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