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Entries in Episode Recap (117)


Big Brother #14, Episode 27 Recap

Welcome to Danielle's world. It's a tough life, filled with imaginary diseases, nonexistent boyfriends, and so many annoying people. You think it's easy to keep an inch of makeup on at all times? You just don't know the pressure this poor girl is under every single day in the Big Brother house. After all, everything that happens is either blamed on her or is a threat to her future.

Dan may be the official "star" of the season, and Ian this show's mascot, but the heart and soul is this delusional twit. Just like this past Sunday's episode, she is on full display tonight. Because I can barely deal with hearing her voice, though, (and also because I know the details of last night's taping) tonight's recap is bound to be a bit shorter than usual.

It may be tough to condense everything, though, as there is a ton of action tonight. There's a veto comp, Shane's prize trip, veto meeting, an eviction, and a HOH comp. That doesn't leave much time for any plotting or even meaningless chatter.

So let's get going with something a bit different than usual. Instead of the typical reactions to Sunday's nominations, we kick off tonight's show with Julie surprising the house by saying tonight is a special eviction. She calls everybody into the living room, and Shane is delayed because he is sans pants. She tells them the news, and instructs them all to get ready for the eviction and HOH competition.

Now we go to the taped footage from earlier this week, starting with the reactions to Ian's nominations of Jenn and Shane. Jenn is shocked that Dan isn't on the block, since just a couple of days before he nominated Ian. "What's this guy gotta do to get on the block? He's pulling out magic tricks on the reg!" Shane knows he's a pawn, and he's got the Quack Packers on his side. Danielle, though, is so "extremely afraid" of what is going to happen this week.

Dan is as cocky as ever, of course. We see him mouth "are you kidding me" into the camera, and then in the diary room screams how he now gets "a second shot at (Shane)".

As he walks out of the bedroom, he attempts to chat with Jenn, who says she is not going to listen to anything he has to say. "Congratulations." She says she knows she will probably go off on him, and "it's just not worth it at this point". He "mists" her into the bedroom anyway, though, and asks why she is mad at him. He tries to claim that this situation is actually good for her, and adds in the diary room that it will make Shane feel more secure. Um, sure. He keeps at her, though, saying that "until the end you have a dangerous player on your side". They hug it out, but Jenn is not buying it.

Jenn is now sitting with Danielle, asking if Shane is upset about being nominated. Once again, instead of talking about what Jenn wants to hear about it is all about how Shane is not treating her like a princess. Jenn sees some hope, though, because she has a better chance at staying if Danielle thinks Shane is playing her. "Don't worry. I'm about to play the player", says Danielle. Surrrre.

We awkwardly jump right to the veto competition. They must swing from one platform to another to start a timer. Then they have 20 seconds at a time to work on a puzzle. If they don't make it back in time, the pieces will drop, and they have ten seconds to start the clock again to start over. Oh, and the winner also gets a special prize.

After we hear everybody talk about how they HAVE to win, the game finally begins. In case you didn't hear the instructions the first time, we get the treat of Dan's loud yelling to repeat them. Oh, and Danielle is not happy with the "flying" part of the game.

Ian has trouble with this game, which CBS edits to help him win the favorite player award next week. Shane, though, is kicking ass, so Daneille begins copying him. Jenn is also close. Ian is out of the game, and starts helping Shane. This does not please Jenn, obviously...but Dan is also not happy about this.

Finally, Shane completes the puzzle...and wins the veto! Jenn is bummed, as is Dan because he may now be put up.

Now for the worst footage...or most humorous...of the night. Shane calls everybody into the living room to announce his special prize. He reads a card that says they're about to meet some of the biggest stars of the summer. He gets to take a date...and the romantic fanfare kicks off as he selects Danielle.

Oh boy. In a puke green dress ans panties, Danielle gets into the limo with Shane. They hold hands for the camera as they hit the highway, and she does not stop babbling. It is, after all, their first "official date". Oh please.

They head into an arena, and it a gymnastic meet sponsored by Kelloggs. Danielle claims to be super excited, as she supposedly used to do gymnastics, and the Olympic girls team then walks into the room. Of course, they're all holding boxes of Kellogg's. This is easily the most awkward conversation ever, especially when they're asked if they are boyfriend and girlfriend. Gross. OMG, this continues on and on as Danielle continues to talk about whether they're a relationship or not on the drive home...and they kiss for the cameras. So much for Jenn's dream of a rift between these two bozos. Her time is clearly coming to an end.

Finally, they are back home...conveniently with boxes of Kellogg's. It really is the never-ending segment.

Back to game stuff. Danielle is wandering around, and Dan comes in to hug her and say that he misses her. He really doesn't, but wants to get some info out of her about what they talked about on their trip.

It is now veto meeting time...and yes, the pink shirt boy takes himself down. Ian then gets up...and definitely does not go against his fellow Renegade! Yes, poor Danielle is now on the block! Oh, she is not happy about this! But Dan is, and he promises to do anything or "stab anyone" to ensure his victory.

So it is now that time to send Jenn packing, but we have to go through the charade of them pleading their case. Jenn tells everybody she loves them, and she basically admits her time is up. Danielle then gets up and it is basically the same thing...although Danielle AGAIN flashes the audience.

We still must go through with the official proceedings before giving Jenn the boot, though, and both Shane and Dan vote to evict Jenn. She hugs everybody, and tells them to "keep it fun and keep it classy...and don't forget to burn this place down".

Julie starts the question off by asking why Jenn was evicted, and she comes right out and said it was because she lost the veto. Saving Dan is now brought up, and Jenn says that she has "no regrets" and wanted to do something big. Her plan was if she couldn't beat him, then she should join him. Julie then pulls out her big prop of the night, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, since Jenn has been on slop. Jenn digs right in as Julie already wraps up the segment.

Now that we have a Quack Pack final four, it is time to set up the dissolution of their inbred, nonsensical alliance. Yes, it is time for the HOH competition, and earlier in the day they were shown pictures from throughout the season. It's called "photographic memory". Julie will read questions based on these photos, and they must step forward if they believe the question is true, and back if it is false. Yes, we see this every year.

The first photo is about the placement of the veto in the "Loose Change" competition, and all three of them correctly pick false. Question two is about Britney from the jugglar competition, and again all three are correct.

For the third question, Julie asks about Boogie in the "Feel the Burn" comp, and this time Danielle and Shane both correctly pick true. The fourth question is the "Field of Veto" comp picture, and whether all the letters in "dugout" were visible. This time, Danielle is the only one with an incorrect "true" answer, and Shane is now in the lead.

Question five is from the "Phat Stacks" competition, and whether Wil was wearing sunglasses. This time, Dan and Danielle are both correct, and we now have a three way tie. The sixth question concerns the "Memory Chip" competition, and it is about the order of chips. Danielle is the only one correct on this one, and she now ties Dan.

For the final question, we go back to the "Big Brother Candy World", and Jenn's answer. They all choose false, and there is now a tie between Dan and Danielle. There is now a number question to break the tie, which is the number of seconds in the "Time Flies" veto competition. Dan writes 626, while Danielle's guess is 155. The answer is 584, which means Danielle has won because Dan's guess was over the actual answer! That's our little pumpkin faced twit!

So there we have it. Danielle is the new HOH, but we all know it all has to do with the veto winner. We'll see that tomorrow night, along with the first evicted Quack Packer. Who will it be? Who do you want it to be? What other comments do you have about tonight's show? Let us know! Please! I mean it! Preferably if you're in a tiny black bikini soaking in a hot tub!


Big Brother #14, Episode 26 Recap

Your enjoyment on tonight's episode will hinge on two factors. If you enjoy listening to Dan's screaming in the diary room, you'll LOVE the first half of tonight's show. If you enjoy listening to a loud, just-betrothed redhead yell her usual cliches, then you will adore the second half of the show.

It's a filler show tonight, kids, as the first half hour will be dominated by flashbacks to Thursday's double elimination broadcast. Another lengthy portion will be accompanied by sad acoustic guitars as the appearance of the redheaded monster is coupled with treats for the rest of the house that leads them to tears.

So let's get this going with the initial recap before we get to hearing all about the double eviction night again. (Why do they do this?) That over, we get to once again see Frank evicted from the house. Ian explains that while he liked Frank, he was his biggest threat. Not really. Jenn is upset because the final four was supposed to be her, Frank, Dan and Danielle. No, it wasn't. She again has tough words that she never lives up to.

Once Frank is out, Dan celebrates. "Double crossing is my game, and stabbing Frank in the back is the byproduct of it", he screams in the diary room. "He should have never trusted me, and should have backdoored me when he had the chance."

Dan hugs Jenn, who then calls him into another room. Dan says, though, that he "needs you in Kittie mode. We're going to war." Jenn says she has no other option but to still go with Dan and Danielle.

We jump ahead to the HOH comp, and Dan's overtime victory over Danielle and Jenn. Dan wants to send "another big threat out the door", and it may be Ian. We see him pull Ian aside and give him the "I had to put up Memphis as a pawn" story for the 30th time this year. Ian is not happy about this, even with the Renegade word thrown in. "You just got to calm down", Dan tells him.

Shane is then pulled into the room, and Ian leaves after filling him in on the pawn strategy. "He's going up as a pawn. We got to consider maybe getting him out." For some reason, Shane thinks it may be too early. Too early??? Too early??? Danielle then comes in the room, and the story is repeated. She doesn't care, because it is not her. Jenn then comes in, and she's told that she is going up as a pawn. Ian is indeed the person they're going after. "You have to win that veto to so noms stay the same."

We actually get some diary room strategy talk from Danielle, who says they do have to go after Ian because "nobody wants to sit next to him on the final two" with him. She repeats the story to Shane, who still doesn't appear happy.

For one final chat, Dan tells Ian that "you've got to trust me". He is then put on the block next to Joe. Ian is not happy, and Jenn should have been put up next to Joe.

We move on to the veto comp, which was called "Give the Game to Ian". Yes, he wins, and struts like the strangest peacock I've ever seen. Dan is not happy because he needs to pick somebody else to boot out of the maybe "they physical threat, Shane"?

He pulls Jenn into the bedroom and asks if it is time to get rid of the "boy toy". Yes, she is. Danielle then comes in, and she's not happy with that plan. "Shane will keep you safe over Ian, any day." Dan points out that he had just told Sane that they were going to put out Ian, but Danielle says that she can control him. Really? In other words, stupid Danielle just ensured the future of the Quack Pack. Ugh. Shane is then brought in to ask about the final three, and he swears to not mention anything about the Ian plan.

Now, Ian is shown using the veto, and Dan has the audacity to put up Danielle. Oh, that man! She complains that Dan has put her up three times now, and she has NEVER done that to him!

Danielle and Shane head into the bedroom, and Shane asks if she knew this was coming. At the same, Jenn is again not happy. Dan says that they now have to vote out Joe. "She freaked out. She talked me out of it."

Ian now walks into the room where Shane and Danielle are talking, and she is bawling. "Don't vote me out. You promise? Don't lie to me." Dan then walks in, and threatens to rip Ian's face out if he votes out Danielle. He then pulls Danielle aside again to calm her down. "Listen to me. "You've got to trust me in this game." He says that since Jenn is already pissed, he couldn't put her up. Jenn is then summoned, and he again demands that she not vote Danielle out.

Of course she won't, she says, but she's infuriated that the Shane deal fell through. "He told me one thing and did another", she says in the diary room. "This is not good for me at all. Who do I have to trust in this game?" Before the segment ends, Dan reminds her that he saved Shane for her.

Joe is then evicted, and Danielle is ecstatic. Dan, though, feels that he wasted his big shot, "but I guarantee...that I won't miss my second shot". Afterwards, Ian is mad that Dan didn't go after Jenn. This is all starting to get a bit tedious, to be honest. Ian and Danielle are mad that they were put up, Jenn is mad that the plans didn't go through. I can only take so much of these same discussions over and over.

After commercials, Dan is lamenting the fact that he didn't put out Shane when had to chance. He tells Danielle again that Shane can't mention anything to Ian about the plan to oust him. Trust me, Shane probably doesn't even remember. Danielle is now pissed because nobody even mentions the fact that she just was on the block for them. OMG that's hilarious!

Shane then comes in to comfort Danielle. She tells him that she told Dan not to put him up, and that's why she went up instead. Oh, you funny little martyr. Shane does promise not to mention anything about what went down that night.

Damage control time for Dan, and all he has to do is mention "renegades" to Ian and he's back on his side. I'm sorry, but Ian is not the brains the believes he is, or what his fans want us to believe.

It is HOH comp time, and there are props representing every game they've played this year. This works for Ian, because, as he reminds us, he supposedly has a "photographic memory". In each round, there will be a reminder of an event in the game. The answer is a number, and they have to roll a ball down a plank into the correct number. Each number you're off is a penalty point.

The game starts with a question on the day "baby Zingbot" was born. The answer was day 36. Danielle is off by 13, Jenn by 3, and Shane by 2. Ian had a perfect score, and Danielle is pissed because she doesn't want Ian to win HOH.

The next question is when Frank won his second HOH. The answer is day 48, and Ian is off by one, Jenn was perfect, Shane was off by 2. Danielle, though, has four penalty point.

Question three is the day of Willie's expulsion. Jenn screws up and only gets a two. Ian also messes up, though, and he "feeeeeeel awful". Shane was off by two, Ian by eight...and my cable went out for a few minutes. I'm not lying.

When it returns, Shane and Ian are tied at the end of the game, so they are having a playoff. The question is Janelle's eviction, and they both know it was day 34. But can they get the ball in the right hole? Ian's ball fell in day 32, but Shane's fell into day 30. Ian is the new HOH, and he's in the final four! Oh boy, Danielle is pissed, and I love it!

Ian is now seen off in the bedroom celebrating. He goes out into the kitchen and hugs Jenn, who wants to know if she will be on the block. Ian says something about hwo she has never nominated her (like she had the possibility of nominating anybody), but there is no doubt that Ian is putting her up.

Ian is well beyond even remembering that he was on the block during the double eviction episode, babbling in the diary room about his "solid final two" with Dan. He still has to put up a dreaded "Quack Pack" member as a pawn, though. Dan just may have to be that pawn, but Dan is "not cool' with that idea.

After one more commercial break, Dan again works his mind control on Ian, filling him up with praise and how much of a gamble it is to put up his fellow renegade. He suggests Jenn and Shane, and we then hear the exact clip we played on last night's Big Brother Gossip Show...almost to the exact same edits. With "renegades, it's death before dishonor", you know!

Uh oh, it is redheaded monster time. Ian is the first person in BB history to get two Pandora's Boxes, which I'm sure his buddies have already added to wikipedia. He opens the instructions, which are the same as always (something good or bad), and a pic of his parents are shown on the screen. The second card babbles about how nice it would be to hear "words of encouragement from somebody who loves you", and, of course, he picks the Pandora. He walks into the Pandora room, but instead of his parents it is stupid Rachel! Oh God. This is a worthless segment.

Downstairs, though, suddenly Dan hears his wife, Chelsea, followed by Shane's sister. Stupid Danielle, though, takes a couple of seconds to recognize her sister. They run into the living room to watch their family videos as the predictable acoustic guitar background begins.

Ian, though, is forced to sit through Rachel's "instructions", which are all about Brendon and her other annoying traits. Seriously, Rachel stinks...and they all cry over their videos.

After what seems like three hours, it is finally nomination ceremony time. Danielle's key is pulled out first, followed by Dan. As expected, Jenn and Shane are nominated. Ian says that it is the veto that counts, and that is that. A worthless speech.

We get the usual ending diary room quotes about fighting hard, blah blah blah. Oh, and Danielle makes it about herself, saying in her baby girl voice that it would be awful if she had to vote out Shane.

That's it, folks. Did you enjoy the return of Rachel? Are you as disappointed as me that we did not get rid of Ian or Shane, as Dan wanted? Is it time to get rid of that waste of space Jenn? Let us know you thoughts!


Big Brother Gossip Show #27: Quack Mist

It's not hard to fill up time when  you have treats like Danielle in the house! Yes, we talk about that silly zit-monster, along with Dan's ability to get anybody in the house to do whatever they want. Plus, the double eviction night, the return of Rachel in a Pandora's Box, and so much more.

Oh yeah, and we also discuss today's POV competition, which resulted in a Shane victory. Danielle is not pleased about this development, and her and Dan hope to convince Shane to NOT use it to save himself. Yeah, you can't make this stuff up. 

As always, there are tons of ways to listen to this show, so here are the instructions. You can stream it via Scott's Android/iPhone app, The Ledge, or via Stitcher ( You can also subscribe via iTunes (, and if you do please leave us a review. Finally, there's also a feedburner site - - that links you to a number of different methods to subscribe. 

Finally, for a direct stream or download, please click...


Thanks to Mike, Colette, Karen, and Ash for their help in putting together this episode. Now go listen!!!


Big Brother #14, Episode 25 Recap

It's double eviction night! Will it be double the fun? Who will be going home? We know it's the end of the line for Big Dummy Frank, but who will be the second evictee?

Unfortunately, the odds are that it will be either Jenn or Joe, as Smelly Pants Dan has the rest of the house snowed over. It is because of that fact that I predicted that Eagle Eye Pee Hands Joe would pull an upset. I doubt very much that this will happen, but he is our only hope this week. He has seen through Dan's shenanigans, although he has kept quiet over the past week. There's also the reality that while he has a big, big mouth, he seems to lack the balls to actually follow through with a big move. I could see him giving us hope for a few seconds, and then weaseling out to get Jenn out. Please, please, please, Joe. Win this and make us least for a few minutes.

Since this will be a long recap, let's just go right to the reactions to Dan using the veto to save Jenn instead of Big Dummy Frank. Please, do we have to start off with Joe yelling at the camera one more time? At least Joe knows that he is supposed to be a pawn this week. Jenn then compares being taken off the bloc to "getting that dream apartment in New York City". Really? She is concerned that her big ally, Frank, is still on the block.

Speaking of the Big Dummy, he still thinks that he has Dan and Danielle's votes to stay in the house (along with Jenn, of course). Dan then gloats about how it has been a great week for him - he added a new ally (Jenn), and Frank is still clueless that he's the next victim.

Now the segment moves along just like last night's. Big Dummy is making sure that Dan is still with him on the plan to get Joe out. "We're golden now, right?" Dan makes a little bit of a mistake, though, as they talk about next week's competition. "What if Joe pulls out a miracle win?" Uh oh. Dan quickly recovers, though, because Frank is a BIG DUMMY!

The segment doesn't end there, though, as Frank continues to pepper Dan about whether they're going to the end together. "You've got to realize that I've been burned so many times in this game this season. Every time I find someone to trust they put me on the block the next week."

Now it is Joe's turn to sound like a fool, as he heads over to the Ian to make sure that Frank is still the target. "Should I throw out a major campaign to Jen." Ian just says that he's "golden", mainly because he wants Joe to lay low and now screw things up with his big mouth. Joe calls Frank "Houdini", but Ian reminds him that Houdini died young. Joe, though, does a good job in pumping up Ian's ego by talking about how he is putting out the game's toughest competitor.

More Grodner footage is up next, as we get to endure Dan explaining his entire game as he stares at the memory wall. Yes, we get it. Dan's a perfect man who is always one step ahead of the pack. Well, this pack isn't too hard to be a mile ahead.

Dan decides that he needs to know where Joe's head is at right now, and he heads into the bedroom to see who he would put up. He throws out Shane and Danielle, but says in the diary room that he was just tossing out names.

A half hour later, Dan returns to the bedroom, but Joe thinks it was Shane. "Dan chased me in here", he says.

"This is Dan."

"What's up?" Ugh, what a bonehead. Shane then walks in, and Dan tells him the story. Now Dan claims to be considering to keep Big Dummy Frank. Yeah, right.

With that short segment complete, we head to a live shot for Julie to announce that it is once again a double eviction. Danielle's mouth drops open, but that's how she usually looks anyway.

The final pleas start with Big Dummy, who reminds them all that he can't compete in the next HOH. He's also "very vulnerable", so anybody who helps him can get help.

Joe then stands up, and again attempts a comedy act. "I know I'm the biggest single the kitchen". He thanks everybody for his time in the house, and "you have ot vote with your heart".

Live voting then begins with Dan, who votes to evict Frank, as does Danielle. Jenn, however, votes to evict Joe, but Shane makes it official by voting to evict Frank. He is out by a 3-1 vote!

Julie then reads the results, and he is surprisingly calm. Dan tells him he is a "great competitor", and he quickly hugs Jenn before heading out the door. Hmmm, where's the fireworks???

Julie tells Frank that he looks shellshocked, and he admits this to be the case. Frank is bummed that Dan put his hand on the Bible, and he should have never trusted him. This is an idiotic interview, as it is nothing but not having anybody to trust.

Let's move on to the goodbye messages, which starts with silly Joe complaining about the size of his ego. "Your biggest mistake in the game was not getting rid of Dan." Well, duh. Shane adds little to the chat, and Ian says that he had to make this decision for the good of his game. Dan then yells that he respects him, and that is why he voted him out. What a kissass. Julie asks if there are hard feelings, and Frank says "absolutely". For some reason, Julie continues the interview and Frank continues to whine. Enough!

Time for a quick HOH competition. As expected, it is a question game called "Make Your Case". Julie reads a quote from a nominee's final plea, and they have to identify that person. The person with the most points after seven questions wins.

The first quote is about being underestimated, and only Jenn gets this right (Ashley). The second question is about the term "brass tacks", and Jenn, Dan, and Danielle all guess Boogie. The third round is about bullies, and Jenn this time is the ONLY one wrong.

Question four is about believing they were going to play a dirty game, and Jenn, Dan, and Danielle all guess Jojo. Question five is about who played an honest game, and those three again guess correctly.

Question six is about helping others win the game, and again it is between those three. The final question is about fairness, and nobody gets it correct. It is a three-way tie between Jenn, Dan, and Danielle. The tie-breaker is a guess on the number of minutes that Jodi was in the house. Danielle guesses 230, Dan has 363, and Jenn as 160. The correct answer is 481 minutes, which means that Dan wins! Gross!

After commercials, everybody gathers in the living room. Joe stupidly sits in one of the nomination chairs, and won't move. Dan says he has to make tough decisions, and nominates Joe...and IAN!!! WTF??? Even Joe is shocked!

When we return from yet another break, it is time for the veto comp...and everybody is playing. The comp is called "Swimming With Sharks", and they have to work a shark through a maze. The first to finish it, and return to hit their buzzer wins. Danielle jumps in the lead, but they quickly all even up (except for Shane). In fact, Joe is even in the lead for a second, but stalls at the halfway mark. Ian then sneaks ahead, and looks to be taking it until the maze pulls him back a bit. He's still way ahead of the others, and indeed he does win!

And yet another commercial break before Ian saves himself from the block. Before we get to that, though, Dan is gathering various people for strategy, and first the door slams on Ian...and then he leaves when Dan wants to talk to him. Just get to the ceremony, please!

Finally, Julie calls everybody to the room...but Dan attempts to talk to Jenn one more time. With everybody finally in place, Ian does indeed save himself...and is replaced by Danielle! Wait, What??? Danielle???? OMG, this is the greatest moment ever!!!! The audience may have groaned, but I haven't been this happy in weeks! Get Danielle out! Get Danielle out! (Oh wait, she is my choice as this year's winner.)

CBS is raking in cash this week, as we have to sit through yet more commercials before the voting. After flashing her panties, Danielle stands up and says to please keep her. Joe then says that he has "strong ass loyalty" and he loves them all.

Voting starts with Shane, who obviously votes to evict Joe, as does Jenn and Ian. Joe is out by a 3-0 vote! Once again, my hopes and dreams for this season are dashed. Joe hugs everybody, and walks out with a smile on his face. "It's just a game."

Oh great, he comes out screaming to the audience. Thankfully, I won't have to endure that voice much for the rest of this season. There seems to be some drama in the house though, before we get to the interview. Danielle is clearly not happy with being nominated.

Julie's interview starts with pointing out that he survived on nomination earlier tonight, so what went wrong this time? Joe says that he needed one big victory, but he didn't pull though. "Ian absolutely deserves this." When asked why Danielle wasn't evicted, Joe's reply is "showmance! I can't go there. I'll rub his back but that's all he's getting." Julie points out that Joe never made any big moves in the game, nor won any competitions. Was that his strategy? Let me answer Even Joe knows this idea is ridiculous. "I tried with every ounce of my body to win one of these things." His only skill set was to win them over with cooking. Julie concludes by asking about his dumb pubic hair on his chin, and he calls it "Chinny Claus". Ugh.

Before the show ends, Julie confirms that next Wednesday will indeed be another eviction; the day before the show is shrunk down to three.

What did you think of tonight's show? Did the right people get evicted? Are you excited for the inevitable drama that Danielle will cause by being nominated? Tell us what you think!


Big Brother #14, Episode 23 Recap (Sort Of)

Call it the holiday blues. Call it laziness. Call it what you like, but I decided against my usual 10,000 word recap tonight. I knew the format of tonight's show would match every other endurance Sunday episode, and the appearance of Grodner's human dildo, Jessie, was not reason enough to sit through and transcribe. Plus, I've had visions all day of a beautiful woman partying in New Orleans, wearing little more than a sexy tank top.

I did watch, though, and had some fun tweeting my usual absurdist silliness. I hearby treat you to some of my reactions from this long, long hour.

7:57 Instead of All-Stars, they should have an ultimate losers season. Can you imagine an endurance where Joe & Kathy pin a tail on a donkey?

7:59 We could have a comp where Ian, Danielle, and Cowboy have to make the goofiest faces in the mirror.

8:00 After last night, though, we do know one contest where Joe would excel...but it would have to be on Showtime.

8:00 Maybe Joe, Ian, and Brendon could have a Skype self-pleasure contest! #AllStarLosersSeason

8:02 So the show starts tonight with dummy#1, dummy#2, and dummy#3....with a drunk, twitching idiot#4.

8:03 And a self-important, "Christian" douchebag.

8:04 Cue Dan screaming the instructions in the diary room any second now...

8:04 Oh Jenn, you have yet to make a big move and you have yet to be a "big target".

8:05 Wait, is this a loop? Joe and Jenn aren't down yet?

8:05 Ian's growing self-importance is the funniest thing about this season.

8:06 And there is the screaming. *WhereIsTheMuteButton?

8:07 Joe, not only are your four kids laughing at you but all of America is

8:07 I'm sorry, the Hula Hoop "punishment" was no punishment, and Joe loved every fucking second of the attention. #GuaranteedScreenTime

8:08 Good thing precious Danielle wasn't bruised by the "comet"

8:08 Oh look, there's goes the "big target" Jenn.

8:09 What we learned tonight - giant red penises are kryptonite to Brooklyn lesbians.

8:10 Dan, can you scream the obvious just a little bit louder? I missed it the first five times.

8:11 Shane sure loves hitting the penis comet.

8:11 So Danielle is completely made up for the comp, but is in the diary room showing every blemish. #DumbTwit

8:12 Dammit, CBS, why no Danielle puke footage??

8:12 Dan was up 42 minutes - I had predicted 45.

8:17 It amazes me that they stretch out these boring endurance comps to almost a full half hour of broadcast time.

8:22 So the new rule is that breaking alliances is ok if you "like" the new people more Interesting.

8:27 Oh look, the only two people who didn't think Frank was going up. #JoeAndFrankAreClueless

8:28 Now this "girlfriend" convo is by far Jenn's BEST MOMENT OF THE SEASON!!!! You go girl!!!

8:28 Hmmm, Danielle is actually all made up and busty for the Shane diary room convo???

8:28 Ian's HOH reveal. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

8:30 Danielle's only thought about Ian's HOH is "where are the Cheetos?"

8:31 So all the Dan fans saying that he didn't have a F2 deal with Frank, he himself has said it at least 3 times tonight.

8:32 Fuck the Quack Pack.

8:32 Poor Joe had to stop jerking off to do his dumb hula hoop shit.

8:33 You know when the season is over Danielle is going to be pissed they didn't show her in the hula hoop.

8:35 Ding Ding Ding Ian!!! He can't play HOH next week. Your idiot Quackers would have a better chance at winning HOH

8:40 Oh come on, like Mr. BB WIki would even consider NOT opening Pandora.

8:42 Even on the scale of Jessie appearances, this is easily the worst Pandora ever. zzzzzz

8:43 Who wants Jessie's dick more - Grodner, Danielle, or Shane???

8:44 This segment would have been better if chip-chomper Britney had still been there.

8:45 Yes, Dan, scream that same theme to us one more time. We may have forgotten since ten minutes ago.

8:46 Dan's "It's kind of your call", which means "here's what I am commanding you to do".

8:47 This season is such a disaster that I actually want that delusional twit Danielle to win.

8:54 Oh come on, Ian, this is not the "difficult decision" the scriptwriters want us to believe.

8:55 Danielle clearly remembered that this is guaranteed camera time, as her tits are busting out of that shirt.

8:56 Ian, quit lying. Jenn has NOT played a "remarkable social game" this season. She's been invisible!

8:56 Ugh..."quack quack". Shut it, Ian.

8:57 Oh Jenn, I now laugh at your diary room segments as much as I do Dan and Joe's.

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