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Entries in jojo (7)

Monday
Jul162012

The Worst Porno Ever!

Many, many years ago, a good friend of mine claimed that Showtime and other movie channels routinely broadcasted pornography late at night. Obviously, a clean living, moral person like myself would never know about these things. Pornography? Naked people sticking body parts into each other? No, I would never knowingly view something like that. Give me wholesome entertainment while I wolf down some cookies and milk.

Last night, though, I believe I watched some sort of edited porno. I’m talking really edited; almost fit for a child. I thought I had tuned into Big Brother After Dark, but there’s no way this could be possible.

When I turned to that channel, I witnessed a couple of floozies helping some young bimbo with outdated hair squeeze herself into an extremely tight dress that featured a super lowcut top and a bottom that barely covered her bum. There’s no way this trailer trash Farrah Fawcett could fit a pair of panties under this ensemble, and clearly there was no bra as half of that part of her body was in clear view.

It also seemed obvious that I had probably tuned in a bit late, as surely this prep scene occurred right after the three bimbos did whatever it is that girls do in one of THOSE types of movies. I shuddered in disgust at the sins that must have been broadcast into millions of homes across the country. Children could have been tempted to turn away from their faith!

After a long period of primping and adjustments, this would-be Ginger Lynn was greeted by a silly young boy who somehow combined the characteristics of Urkel, Barney Fife, Bud Bundy, and Harry Reems (minus the moustache). Oh, I get it now – this is one of those deflowering porns that I’ve heard about where the young boy has his innocence stolen by an older hussy.

As they moved into another room, I was definitely convinced that this is one of those “special” movies. Given the cheap exterior of the shot, it just HAD to be true! Cheap, tacky furniture in a room whose walls appear to be connected via Elmer’s Glue gave it the look of a small town community playhouse. Certainly one bad move would cause the entire set to fall over. Plus, you could even see their microphones!

Yet, I kept watching, partly out of curiosity and partly because I had this weird stirring in my pants. These two would-be stars didn’t make it easy, though. Sure, the lines they had to deliver were cringe-inducing, particularly when the bimbo asked “is that graphite in your pocket or are you just happy to see me”, but her “skills” in delivering these lines made the Kardashians look like Oscar winners.

It didn’t take long before I was almost begging for them to actually get to the dirty part of the movie, yet it never came (nor did they). The dork kept babbling, and the bimbo kept the double entendres coming, but not an article of clothing was shed.

Then suddenly, out of the blue the movie jumped to different people! What the hell? So they really do edit the sex out of pornos on this channel? Now on my screen was a steroid-pumped midget lying spent in bed, talking to an exhausted, disheveled young blonde with messy hair and wandering eyes. There’s no doubt what had just happened in this scene, which means this movie completely cut out not one but TWO sex scenes in a row!

Like the previous scene, these two porn sluts wasted my time by babbling away before being joined by a gay version of The Lemonheads’ Evan Dando. Wait, not only is this a porno but it’s a gay porn? I better call my Congressman!

I couldn’t bear to witness any more of this debauchery, so I turned off my television, threw up, and then prayed for the next hour. Yet something drove me back to my television, and when I turned it back on the steroid boy had yet another girl sleeping in his bed! Clearly, I had again missed the dirty parts, so I turned it off only to find he was with that bimbo from the first scene a little bit later!!!

I feel so dirty today, but thankfully this terrible movie was edited for television. I can’t even imagine how disgusted I’d feel if they hadn’t cut these scenes. What happened to Big Brother After Dark, though? Was it cancelled? I may have to tune in again tonight to find out if this is a recurring issue. Yeah, that’s the reason I’ll tune in.

Saturday
Jul142012

I'm Trying!

Seriously, my friends, I'm trying to get involved in this season. It's just not easy. Sure, I do have the home renovations going on that is a huge distraction, but it's much more than that.

This cast is a bunch of nutjobs!!!

Let's start with the "coaches". These people are supposed to be "legendary" players??? Pffft. A few nights ago, baseball had their All-Star game, and as always the marquee players only were on the field for the couple of innings. They were then replaced by longtime veterans and rising stars before finally you had primarily people who fufilled the rule that every team be represented.

These coaches are those late-game substitions. There's nothing special about them. I loved Britney, but she was no great strategist. Boogie and Janelle's succeses were of the coat-riding variety, and Dan just doesn't seem interested to be there. 

All of them are annoying so far. Boogie name-drops left and right about has-been former lip-synchers and supposed significant others of the gossip column crowd. Britney eats up all of his New Kids and Spears stories, and Janelle just bitches about him. Meanwhile, Dan is just there. You rarely see or hear him.

As for the new contestants, they're all cuckoo! And I don't mean cuckoo in an entertaining way either. JoJo is every stereotype of Long Island trash; Joe has psycho eyes. Willie thinks he has the game figured out in less than a week and is making final two and four deals, while Ian creeps out the girls. It's a sad state of affairs when my favorite guy is the son of a wrestler.

Speaking of the females, which is usually my favorite part of the game, at this point I still can't tell them apart. They're oh so generic, and for the most part all they seem to do is whine. Kara is most notable for her super-shiny knees, and if she wasn't on the block we probably wouldn't even know she's there. Asheligh and Daniele are currently trying to outdo each other in craziness, and the only one I care about (Jenn) is rarely, if ever, shown on the feeds.

The craziest part about this season is how seriously they're taking this coaching bit. They don't have to do this!!! As Joe (of all people) noted this morning, "their fate is tied to us. Our fate is not tied to them." So play your own game, and your coach will be rewarded if you win!

Despite my complaints today, though, I'm sure that I'll grow to love (or at least accept) a few of these people in the next few days and/or weeks. It's always a crazy train when you have this many unknown folks competing to have their voices heard on the feeds. I'm almost glad they didn't follow through with the biggest cast ever!

Who do you think are the most entertaining so far? Are you as annoyed as me?

Saturday
Jul072012

Video Interviews to Munch On. Mentor Update

Here are the only video interviews out there that we can embed on the site (thanks Big Brother Network!). I've watched most of these and all of the interviews on Superpass. Zapt2it and We Love Big Brother also have video interviews.

Between all of those you should have HG overload. Before the videos here are a couple other things to note. There is a 'poll' on CBS hat seems to imply it will reveal the 4 mentors - 16 alum are pictured and so far two have been eliminated (Natalie and Evel Dick).

With the exception of BB 3/7 Danielle Reyes, all the other HGs we thought might be going back are there including Rachel. But Rachel was on Superpass Rumor Control last night and says she isn't going back. That leave Janelle, Dani (BB8/13), Renny and Britney as possible women and the odds on favorites by everyone is Janelle and Britney.  I would love to see Brit back in the house, and I know some say she wasn't that 'good' of a player. Whatever - I liked her, she made me laugh and was VERY easy on the eyes - so I say bring her back! So I'd say Janelle, Britney, Dan and Boogie seem to be a lock. If it changes we'll let you know!

Here are the videos with a tiny thought from me before each one.

 

Ashley Iocco - She is either going to be a train wreck or awesome - or an awesome train wreck. Claims to be a BB fan from way back and also says she has watched the feeds. I don't think it will matter, she'll forget about the cameras as soon as she is in the house.

 

Danielle Murphree - "Southern Belle" comes to mind and her accent is a thick one. I can see myself hating her - and I don't want to so I'm hoping I am wrong. Eye candy for sure - seems to know a bit about Big Brother but not sure how much if any of the feeds she has seen.

 

Frank Eudy - Son of WWE wrestler - has been trying out for BB for several seasons so not sure if he was initially recruited or is a long time fan.

 

Ian Terry - Superfan - he knows it all - not that that means he will be a good player. Might have a photographic memory - hmmmm.

 

Joe Arvin - no clue - really over the top in the online videos you can find out there.

 

Jodi Rollins - Superfan as well - she knows a lot about BB - she ISN'T a Kalia clone as far as I can tell. Might last longer than Ian. The two together might be a force.

 

Jojo Spatafora - Admits she hadn't seen BB before she was cast. I relly wonder if she doesn't have a connection with Jenn (next).

 

Jenn Arroyo - was contacted by BB and asked to apply after she left a birthday message on a friends facebook page. So like JoJo (who deleted her facebook account - hmm) she knew nothing about BB before applying.

 

Kara Monaco - might be really lame. The interviews I have seen of her have been bland. She doesn't give very long answers and don't think she knew much about BB before being cast.

 

Shane Meaney - He may say he is a house flipper but his twitter account is all about his modeling and physical training. He is clueless about BB - obviously 'cast.'

 

Wil Heuser - "Forgot" BB was on before applying. He might be fun to watch but obviously he only knows the TV part of the game.

 

Willie Hantz - We all know he's Russel's brother by now right? I think the whole house will be the time the feeds kick in next Thursday.

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