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Entries in season preview (1)

Thursday
Jun192014

Scott's #BB16 First Impressions (Part One)

The day we have (not so) patiently been waiting for is finally here! After weeks of rumors, lies, and practical jokes, we were finally introduced to the latest Big Brother cast.

The release of their identities came after a couple of days of sometimes confusing news regarding the season. Two days ago, CBS released pictures of the house. For me, that’s a non-event, but the reception amongst those that I follow on social media was primarily eye-rolling and “WTF”. It’s garish. It’s almost as if an intern or two were sent to Ikea and Hobby Lobby a day or two before the deadline and told to purchase the tackiest items they could find. Oh well. Within a couple of days nobody will pay any more attention to it. (If you want more info, head over to my Big Brother Gossip co-host Colette Lala’s blog.)

Then yesterday, Julie Chen announced the “twists” on her insipid daytime talk show. Seriously, how can anybody watch those hens babble about Taylor Swift, Madonna, and whatever drivel they were babbling?

Chen didn’t completely explain what was going on, which means a lot of “experts” were telling us on twitter exactly what to expect. Yeah, right. What she said is that each week (or until the producers decide to dump the plan) there will be two HOH’s who will nominate two contestants for eviction. These two contestants can be the “other side’s” HOH. There will be a competition of some sort that will ultimately decide which two of these four will be up for eviction.

Oh yeah, and “Team America” will be involved somehow. I’m not pleased about that, especially after you meet one certain member of this year’s cast.

This leads us to today’s cast announcement. The good news is that they’re ALL newbies! No retreads at all. No coaches. No brothers, sisters, moms, or dads of any former Big Brother contestant! That is the best news that I could possibly hear!

Now that my work day is over, I have gathered a big bottle of whiskey, along with some Tums and other necessities to get me through these interview videos. My goal is to get through eight of them tonight, with the rest coming tomorrow after my Live Ledge show on realpunkradio!

Amber Borzotra is a 26 year-old esthetician from Knoxville, TN. Or is she? In her Big Brother Network video, she first announces she’s a model before backtracking to the more professional-sounding gig. She claims to have auditioned, but then admits she really hasn’t watched much. It didn’t take much longer before I was bored with her. She believes she’ll bring a “bubbly attitude” to the house, and hates drama. No! That’s not what we want from our house guests! Instead of listening to her nonsensical theories of the game, and her dreams of a “Grrrl Power” alliance,I decided to just look at this picture for a bit:


 

Sorry, Amber is bound to be one of the pretty (or semi-pretty) girls that goes out in the first week or two.

Brittany Martinez is a 29 year-old event coordinator from Long Beach, CA, and has three kids. Within seconds, she admits that she was “completely recruited” at a bar. I wonder how one gets this gig that involves hanging around Southern California bars and hooking up girls with the show. Conversely, how many girls actually believe these cretins when they use that line? She’s also never really seen the show. “I’m very extreme. I’m a ball of fun, and a ball of fire.” Sure you are. You look like a “woo hoo” girl to me. She is smart in one aspect, though. She plans on finding a strong male who will help keep her around. Brittany also plans on targeting anybody she doesn’t like to spend time with because who can possibly live three months with a person they can’t stand? Despite her lack of strategy, or any knowledge of the show, I do think she’ll last awhile.

Caleb Reynolds is a 26 year-old adventure hunting guide from Dallas. He originally tried out for Amazing Race with a buddy, but was then contacted by Big Brother producers. “Basically, they liked me but they didn’t like my friend.” He says that while he had seen the show in the past, he wasn’t one to record “every season. If I seen it on, I’d watch it until it was over.” (Yes, that’s an exact quote.) He’d rather watch Duck Dynasty and “huntin’ shows”. He says he lives for the comps, but says his strategy changes with every episode that he has recently watched. He then goes into some strange fishing analogy to describe how he’s going to play, but promises to go in with “guns blazin’”. Caleb also promises to have multiple showmances, because he’s a “lady’s man”. He’s no brain surgeon, but I bet his physical abilities keeps him around for quite some time. Big dumb loads generally stick around for quite some time.

Christine Brecht is a 23 year-old barista from Tucson, AZ, but before I get to her interview I have a little confession to make. While it’s well-known that I’m a huge, huge fan of Big Brother eye candy, what I truly long for every season is somebody that’s culturally knowledgable. Each summer I cringe when I hear the cast talk about music and movies. It rarely, if ever, rises above the level of Britney Spears, Justin Bieber, or Sandra Bullock. Brecht is my great artistic hope of this season. Coffee house employees generally are a step above the rest when it comes to this, and she is married to a musician. Timothy Brecht is a solo acoustic folk-punk artist with a soundcloud page. She’s a real fan, too, who got on the show via a public tryout. Surprisingly, she’s excited for the endurance comps. Her plan is to put together multiple alliances, including a secret final two deal. She has the entire season plotted out, beginning with winning the first HOH competition, so the alliances come to her. Unfortunately, she believes Dan is a “genius”. She’s is also extremely enthusiastic, but I have a feeling the beefcake and model bitches are going to find her annoying. My guess is she’s out right around jury time kicks in.

Cody Calafiore claims to be a “sales account executive”, but the 23 year-old is lying. He’s an underwear model, and a douchebag. Obviously, he was also recruited, although he thinks he’s a Big Brother veteran since he has supposedly watched since season twelve. The guy’s a complete bore. I never seen such an unenthusiastic claim of having an “outgoing personality”, and he has trouble answering any game questions. Oh yeah, and he loves Jeff. I predict two things about Cody - he’ll NEVER wear a shirt, and he’ll make it to jury.

If you're into douchebags, here's a commercial featuring his crotch:

Derrick Levasseur is a 30 year-old cop from Providence, RI who should be in the next 21 Jump Street sequel, as he looks way younger. Derrick isn’t a true superfan, but he did actually audition. I do like the fact that instead of being excited about comps, he’s intrigued by the social aspect of the game and hopes to bring his cop skills into the game. Oooh, a Big Brother version of Survivor winner Tony Vlachos? Despite the fact that he’s not exactly exciting, if he can make it through the early weeks I think he can be a contender.

 

Devin Shepherd is a 26 year-old Harley salesman from San Antonio who was previously a minor league baseball player. He’s a single father who also first applied to Amazing Race, but has been watching Big Brother since season ten. He seems likable, but his interview answers are complete bullshit. He says Big Brother is “America’s game”, and everything he does is for his daughter. Noble thoughts, but he comes off as a used car salesman as he continues to babble what he seems to think the interviewer wants to hear. Seriously, I know you love your child but I shouldn’t hear about her five times in a five minute interview. We get it. He’s honest. He’s moral. Blah blah blah. He’ll barely make it to jury.

Donny Thompson is a 42 year-old groundskeeper from Albemarie, NC. At first glance, I just thought he was the token Duck Dynasty bandwagon jumper. Or the wannabe Mumford and Sons banjo player. I think I like him, though! He’s a hick, and he knows it! He hopes that the house thinks he’s dumb! He’s a true fan that has watched every season, and his girlfriend talked him into applying this season. I’d like to see him go far, but the early weeks will be key. The bimbos and himbos generally rule in the first month, but if he can make it to the jury days he may end up being a threat.

That’s it for part one! Let me know what you think of my rambling thoughts, and I’ll have part two up either tomorrow night or Saturday afternoon!