I realize I should be the happiest boy in the world, as tonight marks the return of Big Brother. But excuse me for a bit as I run down exactly why I’m ready to throw stuff all over my house.
First off, I’ve been dealing with an awful cold. I finally went to the doctor yesterday, but still got almost no sleep last night thanks to a hacking cough. It’s a miserable feeling.
Then my plan for a nap before tonight’s broadcast went right down the drain as I began preparing for the show. You see, I use a Slingbox to grab the screen caps that accompany these reports. I don’t really use that gizmo during the offseason, so I had no idea that there was a potential for any problems there.
Well, there were inevitable problems. For some reason, the ethernet connection wouldn’t work, and the reset button on the box also didn’t work. In what I thought would be a smart move, I ordered a new one for pickup online at Best Buy and drove through rush hour to pick it up, only to find out that the order has not yet been processed. Damn you, Best Buy!!!
I have an alternate method to grab these shots, though, but I must warn you that they won’t be as precise as what you may be used to seeing on this page. I’ll be doing the best I can, though, and tomorrow night you should see a vast improvement.
(Note: My planned method to grab photos didn't work, but I was bailed out by the wonderful @RamblingMonkey. Thanks so much!)
(Note: My planned method to grab photos didn't work, but I was bailed out by the wonderful @RamblingMonkey. Thanks so much!)
So here we are now, ready for the show to begin. You’ve seen the interview videos, and (hopefully) heard our opinions on the Big Brother Gossip Show. You may even be aware of the promise of the “twistiest twisty twist season of all time” with special guests and surprise contestants. Let’s see how this all plays out.
As always, the season begins with Julie Chen inside the tacky house, bragging about the “twistiest twist”. After a bit of fake applause, she continues to wander through the set telling us about all the cameras, microphones that will “capture another summer of Big Brother”.
Back on her main set, she again brags about the three twists. One is a “fan favorite” (ugh), another is one that only us viewers will know about, and the third is “one that will shake up the game each and every week like never before”. It’s called the “BB Takeover”.
Now it’s time to meet the new cast, and we get the obligatory “surprise” shots as they get their keys. James is an Asian hick from South Carolina who loves fishing, hunting, and other outdoor activities. He was adopted, and he’s “tough, very competitive”.
Meg is a city girl. We know that because we get glimpse of New York City skyscrapers before she over-enthusiastically introduces herself. She claims to be “always on the move”. We’re also introduced to her “gay best friend, also known as my ‘gusband’”. She claims to “love to be manipulative”, but her “bubbly personality will be an asset”. Not sure about that one.
From there we head to Venice, California, and the pseudo-hippie/hipster Jace. He’s “inspired by Indiana Jones”, and is a born again Christian. He skates, surfs, jumps out of airplanes, and probably also can leap over tall buildings. I still think he’s a Dave Matthews fan, no matter what Colette Lala said in response on our podcast.
The next pair are then introduced, starting with small town girl Audrey. She’s from Villa Rica, Georgia, but “I am not a small town girl”. After an enticing shot of her legs, and some comments about how she’s a girlie-girl, we’re...not told the big secret. Interesting.
We then move on to former WWE wrestler Austin, who has a darker alter ego named Judas. He says he’s usually judged by his appearance, “but I have a much deeper side”. You see, he has a Masters in “medieval literature”. He says that his wrestling background will make him this season’s winner.
The next trio kicks off with Da’Vonne, from Inglewood, California. She’s a mom, yo, that’s also a poker dealer. She doesn’t mind “being covered up to her neck in blood”, but, again, she’s a mom.
From Da’Vonne we head east to Texas, and former football player Clay doing chores on his farm. Of course, he tosses a football minus his shirt, and believes his football background will help him in the house.
With the first eight introduced, they’re supposedly informed that they have to head to the Big Brother stage NOW!!! Da”Vonne doesn’t even have time to kiss her baby. We get some more background information as they pack, and Shelli is a complete idiot. She’s a cougar at 33, and wants a showmance. Badly. The only entertainment in this segment is Austin/Judas packing his top hat. Oh yeah, Da’Vonne does remember to tearfully say goodbye to her little brat.
Magically, they are now on the stage, and hoop and holler when Julie asks if they’re ready to compete for the money. She tells them that this is the “most grueling and outrageous social experiment that exists”. Can they do whatever it takes to win, including lying and stabbing their friends in the back?
The first four (Da’Vonne, Shelli, Clay, and Austin) are then allowed into the house It’s the usual squealing and jumping around. Well, from the girls, who also immediately grab beds. The two boys grab another room, and Clay describes Austin as a “giant magician. Think about if David Copperfield and Andre the Giant had a baby, that’s what he’d look like”.
The girls come into the room to introduce themselves, and Da’Vonne likes what she sees in Clay. So does Shelli, who has to fan herself as she talks about him. “Hey, Clay.”
Back on the main stage, the next four are allowed to enter the house. Wash, rinse, repeat. The Asian hillbilly gets lost looking for the bedrooms, and he says he feels like a “cow on Astroturf”. Oh boy, I can see how his diary room segments will be all season. Audrey says that it’s surreal, and adds that “this is the first time I’m going to publicly share my truth with complete and total strangers”.
Wandering around the house, Jace asks the others if they’ll be joined by “all-stars” or “another crew”. There’s no real consensus on this question, and we move on to more “this is insane” types of comments. The girls immediately note that dresses are not a good idea on the upper level. Great decorating, CBS!
The champagne is discovered in the living room, and Audrey wants them all to introduce themselves. Meg thinks her energy will click with Jace, and Clay bores them all with his story. He’s keeping his football background a secret, because obviously that will make him a target. It doesn’t matter, though, as Shelli’s ovaries are already begging to be merging with the boring studmuffin. “I’m ten years older than this guy, but I don’t think I really care.” Once again, she fans herself just thinking about him. The obsessions are matched, as Clay thinks Shelli “takes the cake”. Cue the porn music, as the two flirt back and forth. “Our hearts will be murmuring together all summer”, she says.
Da’Vonne is next, and of course she talks about her baby. She tells them that she’s a schoolteacher, because her job as a poker dealer will make her a target. Austin does admit he was a wrestler, and the boys are stoked at his story. He does play up his injuries, though.
Meg continues to annoy, but she impresses James because she looks like Taylor Swift. When James tells his story, the rest of the house giggles. Wait, he has a baby, too!
Audrey now stands up, and after giving the boring aspects of her backstory, she tells them that she’s the first transgender house guest in Big Brother history! The girls cheer, but James looks confused. They all tell her she looks awesome, and she really does. The girl has legs!!! James is still a bit confused, but believes that because he’s also always judged as an Asian hayseed he can relate to her. Hmmm, not sure about that.
After the first set of commercials, the girls are seen chatting about the cast. Audrey says that she wants “girls to do well this time”, and Da’Vonne agrees. She adds that she’s nervous about guys running the show. “There’s some fucking big guys” in here.
Meanwhile, the boys are talking about working out. Even the editors don’t last long on this shot, as we go right back to Audrey saying “I sense some really strong energy. Strong vibes, for sure.” In the diary room, Da’Vonne notes that the word “alliance” is never actually spoken, but it’s clear that’s what is happening here. So she brings it up, and Shelli thinks it’s a smart move. They promise to keep it a secret.
Now all but Austin are sitting around, and they babble about using Southern terminology. Clay then asks about how Audrey’s family took to her journey, and she talks about how they sent her to a troubled youth wilderness program to “cure” her. Wow, this sounds frightening, but she says that her family has now accepted her.
But is there trouble in paradise? Da’Vonne believes she’s adding some “salt and pepper” to her tale. “You’re spicing that up, mama.” But she adds that it’s exactly what they need to make their alliance stronger.
Julie then has the house gather in the living room to announce two twists to them. Wait a second. Wait a motherfucking second. Julie claims that last year’s “Battle of the Block” twist was a fan favorite??? Um, no. It ruined last season. It was the dumbest thing ever added to the show. The house seems to agree with me, as both James and Shelli are skeptical.
With two HOH’s in play this week, it’s time for the first competition. But first...Julie says that one of the eight has to sit this one out. Austin thinks it may be a good thing for him, but Da’Vonne says she’ll volunteer if the others promise to not nominate her. They all agree that’s fair.
A few commercials later, Julie hands off the microphone to Entertainment Tonight’s Kevin Frazier on the backyard “red carpet”. Ugh, I hate this guy. I hate ET. He’s terrible at this gig. He’s there for the “UFOh NO!!” “world premiere”, which he says is “horrible”. The cast is then brought out, and Jace is over the top in his script reading. Austin thinks Frazier is beautiful. There’s some inane interview segments, and we again get Shelli’s panties getting wet over Clay.
Finally, everybody is in their places for the competition, which is called “Flying Tomatoes”. Since the “movie” is so awful, tomatoes are going to be thrown at them. The first to catch ten of them and place them in the bucket wins, unless they fall off their platform.
James jumps out to a small lead, but Clay’s football background makes him believe he’s going to easily win. Of course, he then immediately falls, followed by Austin and Meg. Jace almost falls, but saves himself. “Blood” is then shot at the remaining players, and Da’Vonne is happy that she decided not to play because tomatoes would not work well with her weave.
Jace again almost falls, and he credits his skating background. Audrey then catches her first ball, but James is still in the lead. Jace and Audrey catch up, though, tying it at five tomatoes. Austin is starting to believe that James is a real competitor, especially after he catches his eighth tomato. Audrey believes that she has to win, though, as she’s not completely sure that people will be accepting of her transgender status.
Suddenly, though, all four of them fall at the same time. Julie says that they have to check the tape to see who fell last...which also means it’s time for another advert break.
In slow motion, it’s revealed that the last person to touch the ground was James. He’s the first HOH of 2015! “I’m not going back to Texas yet, baby!” Audrey says she’s going to have kiss his “little camo ass” to ensure she makes it through the week.
They all head back inside, and Julie informs them of the second twist. After babbling and babbling and babbling, she then tells them that every week there will be a new twist. It’s called the “BB Takeover”. Dum dum dum! It even has a dumb theme song that is their call to head to the living room. “You’ll never know who or what it will be”, followed by the insipid “expect the unexpected”.
They all excitedly talk about this, and Da’Vonne must be a fan of Big Brother Australia, as she mentions “saboteurs” a couple of times. It’s a quick segment that follows with Julie informing us that we’ll get a sneak peak at tomorrow’s episode after more adverts.
Julie then tells us that the third twist is the “twins twist”, ala Big Brother 5. The two twins will be switching in and out for the first five (or so) weeks, but playing as one person. If they make it through five evictions, they both get to play. ZZZZZZ
The show then ends with little snippets of the rest of the cast, including the “rock star dentist”!! Go John!!!
So that’s it for tonight! What did you think of the first episode? Are you pissed at the return of BOB? Or the other twists? What do you think of the cast? Tell us your thoughts!