You’re read the rumors. You’ve listened to the Big Brother Gossip Show’s preseason thoughts. Tonight we finally get to meet this year’s goofballs, and hopefully all of the questions we’ve had will be answered.
The biggest question of the night involves the four extra spots on the cast. Will it truly be four returnees? Will it be more than four competing to take those spots? And what did Grodner mean when she told The Hollywood Reporter that tonight’s show will have more competitions than any previous first episode?
Our first view of the show is Julie walking through the house giving the usual spiel about “strangers” “locked out from the world”. Yeah yeah yeah. We know how this works. “Fasten your seatbelts, as this season is bound to be a bumpy ride” is what we hear before she heads to the main stage.
She says there are four competitions, three twists, and an eviction before the next two days of shows are complete. Oooh, Julie also promises a summer of “new” competitions. And apparently the four returning players are hiding in the house.
Now it’s time to meet everybody with the fake “key” finds. The first four are Natalie, Paulie nd Bronte. It’s the usual shots of these folks pretending to work and hang out with friends. Of course, stupid Paulie is without a shirt. Cody tells his brother not to get into a showmance. Bronte tries to prove how smart she is, and we also see her doing yoga. “I’m a big force to be reckoned with.”
We move on to three more noobs - Victor, Zakiyah, and Cory. I hate shirtless Victor. I mean really really hate Victor. It’s all about meeting girls. That should disqualify him. Zakiyah is a “bad bitch” and is “pretty sure I’m going to bother the other females”. Cory is shown coaching his baseball team. We’re reminded that he’s a sleepwalker.
Glenn, Bridgette, and Josea are next. Glenn’s mobile dog grooming services are shown, and he says he goes to places most groomers will not dare to go. Bridgette is a traveling nurse, and she claims that people don’t expect her to be manipulative. We hear the term bucket list at least three times. Josea’s a celebrity makeup artist who is “the life of the party”.
Finally, we’re shown Tiffany, Paul, and Michelle. Michelle is a registered dietitian who is shown bitching at her friend’s food choices. She also bitches about how ⅔ of people are overweight. There’s then a litany of things that she’s scared of. She should be a treat. Paul is shown pretending to play guitar with his “band”, along with some shots of him working on his clothing company. Tiffany received her key while at the beach in her bikini with friends. She’s Vanessa’s sister, and we get a clip of that psycho. She says she’s 145 IQ and is more sociable than her sister. She definitely shows more skin than Vanessa has ever shown. She’s also bisexual, so she can be fun.
Why CBS pushes showmances I don’t get, but there’s now a medley of clips showing people open to these phony relationships. Tiffany is also shown informing Vanessa that she made the show. Others talk about how they’re going to succeed, or try to convince us they’re not dumb. Most of the time it doesn’t work. Sadly, we also see all of the males in Paulie’s family kiss each other goodbye.
With this silliness over, they’re all now on the main stage. Julie repeats the “craziest summer of all time” cliche, and initially sends in Natalie, Victor, Michelle, and Paul. You know what happens here. Lots of screaming and running around. Natalie brought a cheer. Ugh, that’s awful. Michelle immediately likes Paul because they’re both “a little different”, but she doesn’t like beards.
The girls run around looking at the bedrooms, and they pick out their beds (as does Victor). Oh god, and then he reads some scripted garbage in the diary room about how he’s a lover. Paul continues to run around yelling about how wild he is.
Bronte, Zakiyah, Paulie, and Glenn are the next to enter. Yep, it’s the same sort of goofiness, along with introductions. Paul’s already annoyed with Bronte’s voice. “My ears are laughing.” Zakiyah is impressed with Paulie, but knows her mom is watching. Glenn talks about his daughter for the first of I’m sure will be a million times this season. #GlennHasaDaughter.
The final four (Corey, Tiffany, Bridgette, and Josea) to enter. Somehow Bronte’s voice carries over everybody else. Bridgette tries to convince us she’s a huge fan of the show (she’s not). Tiffany says she plans to just watch other players at the beginning - “stalk my prey”.
Bronte heads into the bathroom because she feels a bit overwhelmed. “I need to find my zen.” Then she’s shown “finding” said zen in the dairy room. She’s a nutjob.
Champagne is now poured as they begin to introduce each other. Bronte lies and says she’s in childcare instead of a crazed mathematician who wants to work for the CIA. Victor loves Natalie. Too bad Natalie seems to like Corey, but he is impressed by Victor. Wait, what? Tiffany doesn’t want to say she’s Vanessa’s sister, but Michelle has it figured out.
The scripted diary room segments are way out of control. It’s terrible. Really it is. It’s already hard to watch. That’s why I’m not recapping too much of this segment.
They now notice there’s only 12 people, and our math expert Bronte says that means there has to be something coming up. Yep, the whole “expect the unexpected”.
After our first set of adverts, we’re introduced the “four stowaways”. Julie has everybody gather in the living room, and she tells them that they will be introduced to three twists before the next day begins. Twist number one is the reveal that they’re “not alone”. Julie asks if they want to meet them, but then says they’ll be meeting them shortly. After a little segment of Bronte and Jozea figuring out clues, Nicole jumps out of a suitcase. Natalie tries to convince us that she was her favorite of all time, but she wasn’t a fan until she was cast. Paulie isn’t happy since her brother was responsible for kicking her out two years ago.
Nicole wanders around the house, and the guys start bitching about how this is actually her “third chance”. Another suitcase opens, and it’s now Asian James. Bridgette is the one now excited because he’s a “prankster”. He says this year is “all about business”.
Next to jump out is Da’Vonne, who loudly yells “hello”. James is now a bit worried as he voted her out last year. Paul isn’t excited by her being in the house since she was out the second week last year.
The fourth and final returnee is Frank, who I didn’t recognize at first since he’s had a serious haircut since his season. Michelle is excited to meet him since he was an “underdog” and “super loyal”. Yeah, but he also reportedly smells. I wouldn’t be so excited about that.
Da’Vonne is already concerned because they’re outnumbered by the new players. She knows she’ll have to be nice to them. Jozea heads into a bedroom with Paul and Zakiyah, and they begin bitching about Nicole. “Don’t come in here with your dusty seconds”.
Meanwhile, the vets get together and decided to work together, and “take advantage that we have fans out there”. At the same time, Paul tells Zakiyah and Jozea not to worry if they see him talking to the returnees. “They have to go”, says Jozea.
For some reason, Paul thinks there will be another person added. It turns out he doesn’t know how to count to sixteen. Dummy. Paulie now thinks he has to out the fact that he’s Cody’s brother. Some don’t seem to know what this means, but Paul is not happy that he waited until Nicole was in the house. Yeah, Paul. Get that idiot. Tiffany doesn’t know what to do since she’s in the same boat. She better, as Da’Vonne has her figured out, but she says she’s going to keep that info to herself.
With another commercial break out of the way, Julie calls them all back to the living room. Julie says hi to the returnees, and then announces that the second twist is that they’re playing the game in teams of four this summer. They are told to change clothes for the first competition of the season. Most people are freaked out, but Tiffany actually likes this twist. Da’Vonne, though, “didn’t come here to play with other people. I came to get redemption for Da’Vonne”.
They head outside to something that’s “straight up NASA”, according to Bronte. Before they begin, they have to choose teams. The returnees head up each of the teams, and they now get to pick additional players. Hmmm, sounds like “coaches” if you ask me. They have to choose somebody from the opposite sex, though, and the person picked makes the next pick.
Frank goes first, but he can’t remember names. He picks Michelle because she was a fan of his. Da’Vonne goes next, and she picks Paulie because he’s “strong”. Oh wait, it’s Paul she wants. Ha, that’s hilarious. James goes for Natalie, who screeches as she bounces out there. Yep, that perv picked the hot chick. Nicole is the last to choose, and she’s “super-stressed out”. She goes with Corey because “he’s very big...and it doesn’t hurt that he’s kind of cute”. Gross.
In round two, Corey gets to pick first for Nicole’s team. He decides on Tiffany. Natalie goes with Victor, and he’s happy to “work with this sexy girl all summer”. Zakiyah is next chosen by Paul, and Michelle goes for Paulie. He complains how he’s never been picked so late in her life.
In the last round, Paulie takes Bridgette (why?). Zakiyah gets Jozea. Paul is happy with this, even though Da’Vonne is involved. Bronte goes to James’ team, and Glenn is the last one picked and he heads to Nicole’s group. He isn’t surprised, but he’s aggravated.
It’s now competition time, and they can win cash, punishments, and/or safety. It’s called “Ride the Rocket”. They all have to hold on to a rocket for as long as possible. When all four members of a team are dumped they are eliminated. The first team to lose will be have-nots for the week. The second team will go to “Mystery Land”, and will get a punishment that will be announced later. The third team will get ten grand to split. The ultimate winners will be safe for the next two eviction. Julie adds that the first eviction will be before the second broadcast. Paulie is pissed because he hasn’t even got his tan yet. Come on.
Glenn has trouble jumping on to the plane, and Nicole is already stressed. He finally gets aboard...and we head to a break.
Finally, this competition commences, along with all kinds of comments about how it’s so important to win this to obtain safety. Repeating his role from last year, James repeats the rules for the game. He’s also happy to have his face in Natalie’s butt. Oh wait, this rocket isn’t moving back and forth. It is moving around a bit, I guess, especially after Julie announces a “storm” is coming through. Bronte hates the rain.
Tiffany, shockingly, is the first person down. Glenn is shocked, and then he’s off. Nicole knows she’s going to be have-nots. Yep, she then falls down, leaving Corey the only one left.
My god, the diary room crap is terrible, and then Bridgette and Michelle fall. Frank is next, leaving Paulie on that rocket. Da’Vonne and Zakiyah are the next out. Paul goes right after he talks about how much he likes this comp. Jozea also immediately follows Paul, and they’re now have-nots.
James’ team has not lost a single person, which, of course, mean he falls. Natalie almost pops out of her top when she drops, and now bird poop and feathers hit them. Bronte is now gone, and all three remaining rockets have one person left.
The most boring man in history, Corey, has the last words of nothingness before we go to commercials. Funny how the last three people in this competition have similar body types. Victor seems to be handling this the easiest, and it’s pretty clear that Paulie will be the next down. Especially after he talks about how safety is so important. This means that his team is now in “Mystery Land”. After a few minutes of straddling, Corey is the last to drop. Victor’s team is now safe for the next two evictions! “I hope at least one of the hot girls knows.”
Julie announces the results, and adds that “one of you will soon be leaving the game”. They all head inside, and the twelve noobs congratulate the “Puerto Rican sensation”. Zakiyah says “old heads gotta go”. Michelle talks about what happened in the coaches season, and Paul agrees that they have to go.
The four coaches head into another room, and Nicole is (shockingly) scared. Just like she did throughout her entire season. Da’Vonne decides that she needs to work with the noobs, so she goes to kiss the asses of her team. Paul says they have to win HOH. She says she’ll keep her boo’s off the vet’s radar if they’ll do the same to protect her. She leaves, and Paul giggles. “Fuck her.” “I’m a nice guy, but I’m not that nice.”
Victor’s team now kisses his ass and they just HAVE to create a team name. Ugh, really? Nobody has an idea, though, so Victor puts on a safari hat. Natalie wants “Team Baywatch”. No, really? Paulie’s team is thinking the same thing. They like “Category 4”. Really? Really?
Now they’re all thinking the same. Nicole’s team is now “Freakazoids”. Victor like the term “Cavalry”, but the cheerleader has no idea what this means. Da’Vonne’s team settles on “Big Sister”. What???? Finally, Victor and his friends pick “Team Unicorn”.
Now Tiffany finally figures out that Michelle looks like Nicole. She asks if that’s the case, and Michelle says no. Michelle says Tiffany looks like Vanessa, and she replies with “who?”. Tiffany is confused as to whether she should admit to it, but she finally does. Michelle hopes this leads to a bond or future alliance. “This could be really good for me.” Tiffany still isn’t sure about the Michelle/Nicole situation.
A few people are now sitting in the living room when Julie comes on the monitor. She calls everybody together, and congratulates “Team Unicorn”. The next competition, “Hit the Road”, is announced, and after the final round of this competition the losing team will face off against each other. The person who loses this individual round is the first evictee, and the other three will pick amongst themselves as to whom the first HOH will be.
Nobody is happy about this, obviously. Which is why we go to commercials after a couple of diary room comments.
The setting for this comp is sort of a beach. The cheerleader loves it, especially since all she has to do is watch. The goal is to build a 15-piece sand castle. Three of them are holding ropes, and the fourth digs for pieces. That piece is then placed on the platform without dropping it. The digger has to change places with one of his teammates.
In case you didn’t get that, stupid Nicole has to repeat the rules. Paulie then babbles how it’s so tough, and he just can’t be the one to go home.
This is more than boring to watch, so let’s just go to the results. It looked like Nicole’s team might win, but it ends up being “Category 4”, aka Frank’s team. Da’Vonne is pissed, especially at Paul. “I feel like picking him was a bad decision.” Frank’s team celebrates, though, especially Bridgette since it’s probably the first team she’s ever won in her life. Nicole whines in the storage room with Corey, who says they’ll win the next round. “If I don’t, I’ll be going home”, whines Nicole. (Ugh, I don’t miss her.) Day goes into the room and cries about her awful team. Literally, she cried. Funny thing is that I liked her short run last season. This year, not so much.
After commercials, we get round two. There are buried sand castle pieces, and the team who correctly builds their castle will be safe for the week. The loser will then compete against each other for the first evictee. At the outset, Nicole is mad because Glenn moves super-slowly. He’s mad at her for not doing any planning. Da’Vonne is still screaming at Paul. At this point once again, I’m going to sit back and wait until the results.
Ok, here we go with the final segment of the evening. Nicole’s team thinks they have won, but they have some erroneous pieces in their castle. That gets Da’Vonne screaming in the diary room. Tiffany then says they realize the mistake is in the foundation, which is exactly what Glenn told them. Da’Vonne’s team then also has it built wrong, but Paul claims to know what’s wrong. He flips over a section and they have indeed won! One of Nicole’s team will now be leaving tomorrow night! Paul wants Da’Vonne out, though.
Glenn continues to play the “I told you show game”, but he knows he must battle for himself in the final competition. Nicole whines again. And that’s it for tonight!!!
Special thanks to "Rambling Monkey" for tonight's screencaps.
Special thanks to "Rambling Monkey" for tonight's screencaps.
So, tell me what you think of tonight’s episode? Who do you like or don’t like? Are you happy with the veterans? Were you also confused by tonight’s competitions? Tell me what you think!!!