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Thursday, September 1, 2016

Big Brother Season 18, Episode 34 Recap

Tonight marks the end of a frustrating week for Big Brother fans. This was a week where NOTHING happened. Nobody “fought for their life”. Nobody made a bold move. The intended target, and their friends, is oblivious to their danger. The worst aspect of the week, besides Nicole’s voice, is that everybody slept all damn week.

This causes some questions for tonight’s broadcast. How will they fill a complete hour? I know there will be some footage that is shown to make viewers think the outcome is up in the air, and we’re going to have to endure the forced ending to Corey’s America’s Care Package bribe. But we won’t see jury footage as it’s the same four people as last week, and as mentioned before nothing happened all week.

I’m guessing it will be one of my biggest nightmares - family segments. Even worse, segments on one or both showmances. Despite the fact that Natalie will immediately bounce far away from James after the season, or that Corey will be so happy to get rid of his shadow, I fully expect to have to endure their families fibbing about how cute they look together. Gross.

So let’s get started with Julie trying her hardest to add some personality to her scripts (and calling Nicole the most powerful player in the house?), along with boring commentary regarding Nicole not using the POV. It’s hilarious how Chen is making it sound like Nicole has this great decision to make as the tie-breaker. It’s a decision made days ago!

Michelle runs down the votes, and Paul says that if Nicole was working with those folks Victor would have been put up as a replacement for Michelle. Then we get the first phony hype for the 5k as Corey mumbles about how he now has to make this difficult decision to “make sure Michelle goes home”. Come on.

Nicole and Victor celebrate in the bathroom, and she asks Victor if he was scared she was going to put him up. He says no, and then she repeats that same thought process in the diary room. Victor says he “now trusts Nicole 100%”.

In the bedroom, Paul and Michelle are lying around. He mentions that no matter what happens one of the “craziest people” in the house is going home. She asks Paul if he knows what’s happening, and he lies that he doesn’t. Natalie joins them, and he agains says he has no idea. Natalie asks if Victor knows, and Paul says he hasn’t been told (another lie). Michelle does echo my belief that Nicole is “the most boring HOH ever”, but she’s wrong in asserting that Nicole should be coming to them. No, dear, you should have been up her ass in the HOH room all week. “They’re literally cowards.” Come on.

James then comes in the room, and Michelle asks Paul how many times he’s been on the block. James tells Paul that no matter what, they’re not going to “send little Meech home”. “Thanks James, Mr. Captain Obvious”, replies Paul in the diary room. “I’m pretty sure I’m staying this week.”

It’s time for some filler, but at least this time it’s entertaining. Victor is putting on a talk show, and asks Paul what he’s going to do with his bribe. Now we again hear how Corey “must use his care package wisely”. James hints that he wants the cash, and offers to drop out of the next HOH comp. Victor can’t believe he’d do that, but James is not kidding. Corey says he’s “a little sketched out”. He adds that maybe he won’t even use the bribe.

This is completely untrue, though, as production has been bugging him about it all week. He heads upstairs and wakes up Nicole to tell her that James was begging for the money. She says that’s “not a smart move on his part. That’s shade.” Corey thinks James is too smart to give up a comp win for that money. Nicole gets paranoid then, and thinks maybe that means Victor is going to vote against Paul. Oh please. “It makes me think there’s something more that we don’t know.”

Nicole is always paranoid, as we see in the next scene. Michelle heads into the bathroom, and Victor just happens to stroll that way a bit later. What a dummy. Production then is heard telling Michelle to put on her microphone, and Nicole is coming unglued. “I just don’t know what to do.” As Bob Dylan once sang, “you’re an idiot, babe”.

To make this segment even longer, the lovebirds are now laying on the hammock outside, and Nicole is still convinced that Victor has moved to the side of James and Natalie. She tries to justify this in her whiny diary room monologue, but in any other week this garbage wouldn’t even make it to air. But it allows Corey to make production happy, as they decide to give Victor that money to ensure he votes to evict Michelle. “I hope that’s enough to make him change his mind? If he doesn’t, we’re screwed.”

Back upstairs, Nicole is staring at the TV monitor when Corey comes in to make the (not so) big decision. “If that’s what you want to do, I support you.” He’s about to grab Victor, but Nicole is having second thoughts. Finally, he goes to get Victor.

Downstairs, the other three are doing what they do best. Yep, they’re laying around. Victor and Paul are in the HOH, so Natalie tells James to go investigate. So of course he doesn’t. Corey walks in and offers the bribe to Victor, who accepts. In fact, the two boys are touched by the “friendship”. Ugh. Thankfully, the worst Care Package gimmick in history is officially over. Stupid James still thinks Michelle is 99.9% safe as the other four celebrate.

After commercials, Julie surprises the house by, not a double eviction as stupid James believed. But since it’s the 79th day in the house, they get to watch videos of their families. Yes, it’s a nice little segment, but boring. Paul, of all people, is bawling.

Wait, more filler!!! Come on. I like Victor, but I don’t care about these stupid family segments. Go ahead, call me heartless.

The show is at the 35 minute mark, and we finally have true gameplay. It’s eviction time, and Paul gets the first final plea. He talks about friendship, of course, unless he’s voted. “Big Meech, they took a swing at the two craziest people in the house this week and unfortunately one of us must go. We might as well end this with the final kiss of death.” “I’m down”, she says. She stands, and they kissed. “That was better than the last Paul.” (It was planned earlier today.)

Michelle then says she’s had an awesome time “getting to know each and every one of you. Just kidding. That’s not a Meech speech. I like to go on with my speeches, so for one thing I can threaten you guys. What I’m going to threaten you guys with is that if you evict me I’m going to start uncontrollably bawling. You guys are going to send me out to Julie and the audience, and they’re going to have to deal with me...and if you guys keep me, I’ll be going after this kid right here (Victor) because he has been evicted twice. If you decide to evict me, these two (Victor and Paul) are going to go all the way to the top. There’s no stopping them. They’re mental and physical threats combined in each person. If you guys want a chance to get to the final two, pick me.” (Stupid Nicole’s stunned face was priceless.)

Victor starts the voting, and of course votes to evict Michelle. Natalie votes to evict Paul. Corey, of course, votes against Michelle, and James goes against Paul. Yep, Nicole (as expected) has to break the tie. She pretends to be in sheer terror (she isn’t), and says both are great. “Strategically, sorry Michelle I have to vote to evict you”.

Michelle hugs all, and calls Nicole a name. She yells back at her, and Michelle babbles that “she’s floating her way to the final two”. I do like this! Why couldn’t that be the full-time Michelle???

Before the interview with Julie, Nicole was yelling at James that this is why she had to be evicted. Julie asks if it was a mistake to keep Paul, and she says yep. Obviously. Michelle also claims that she was so reassured that she was safe that she did nothing to ensure her place. Then Julie asks about calling Nicole the “most boringest HOH ever”. Which I wholeheartedly agree. Michelle answers that “she didn’t talk game to anyone...she just sat in her room all week”. Well...not quite true. Julie reminds her that she hadn’t talked game either, but apparently in the “last two hours” she had. She just can’t believe that people would keep Paul over her.

Michelle isn’t excited about the idea of watching the goodbye messages, but Paul and Victor were pretty nice to her. Michelle starts crying during James’ message, but they dry up when Nicole whines that “as a superfan” she should understand what Nicole was doing. After it’s over, Michelle asks if she can see Natalie’s goodbye. Ha! Julie asks why she’s crying, and she just says “it sucks”. Julie tries to get rid of her, but Michelle takes over and tells the audience they’re lucky to be there as she has tried to get tickets in the past.

With that all over, it’s time for the HOH competition. It’s the return of the egg competition, where they have to transfer eggs via chicken wire up and and across to where they can grab it. It then must be rolled down to hit the three targets. The first to get all three down, and there’s a special hole to not be a have-not. Oh yeah, there are "hawks" that will try to grab their eggs...or at least knock them down.

So this obviously won’t be finished for a bit, so excuse me while I turn the feeds on. Did you enjoy tonight’s episode? What did you think of their families? Or Michelle’s speech? Talk, people, talk!!!

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